Question:
Hi Laura, I can’t offer help, except to say that I am sorry. Also, that I do understand. My mother is clearly NOT fond of my son(3 1/2), while she thinks my daughters are delightful(2). In fact, we had a real blow out about it while they were visiting this summer. I think some of the reasons are the same, my son is a bit ‘too much’ for my mom. One of the things I most don’t understand is the ’supposed’ problem with Melissa’s hugging. She’s only 5!! I think it is very sweet that she is so affectionate. I remember being a big hugger, long past age 5. I sure hope someone here has some practical advice for you. I am afraid that when it comes to my kids, "tact" is often left wanting in my vocabulary. Especially with my mother. It is perhaps good that they live in Florida. 
Best of Luck. Beth – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am really having a hard time dealing with this… So I could really use some > support or at least a friendly ear on this… My daughter, as most of you > know, is almost 5. She is a very energetic, happy, imaginative, outgoing > child.. She is also a little hyper and a bit too honest {is this a bad thing? > in this case, yes} > We are visiting my parents right now {I live in WA, they live in TX} and it is > all too apparent that my mother does not like my daughter very much.. For the > main reason that she cannot control my child {I can though, thank you} My > niece {Who lives a few minutes away is taken care of by my mother when my > sister works, usually at night} My niece does not like to be touched or hugged > very much, and my daughter, just the opposite, loves to hug.. Well tonight, > Melissa {my daughter} hugged my niece who in turn shrugged up and said "No No > dont touch me" I explain to Melissa that Megan does not like to be hugged so > please dont touch her. Melissa doesnt press the issue and leaves Megan alone.. > But then my mother says, after the girls go off to play with my little sister > {age 7}, that it is way too unusual for Melissa to be so huggy at this age and > that in fact, everything Melissa does is unusual, like the fact that Melissa > doesn’t like her food prepared certain ways and has an opinion on almost > everything and is generally an "unusual child" I am pretty ticked by this time > so I say "Yea well thats Melissa" and my mother gives me a look and says "Yeah > really huh.. I guess she’ll never change" Well then a few minutes later my > little sister says to me "Melissa is SOO annoying when she hugs and when she > plays her pretend games, Mom said so too, I’m glad I’m not like that otherwise > then Mom wouldnt be nice to be either." Well I am at a point where I am about > to cry, this is just disgusting to me.. I realize my daughter is not perfect > and I realize she is probably a little too much likeme for my mother to handle > but is that any reason to be so hateful!?!? When I confronted my mother about > this she said "Oh shush you’re taking things too seriously!" Taking things too > seriously!?! WTF?!?! When it concerns my children you’re damned skippy I am > going to be a little bit more like a mother bear than intended.. It is all too > obvious that my daughter will not be accepted in the way that my neice or my > sister are mainly because she is opinionated and in my mothers world, children > should obey to the fullest extent that even their souls get suffocated and > their imaginations get crumbled.. I have no idea how to handle this and it is > really starting to get to me… help me please!?! > -Laura > — Wicked Witch of the Net > — How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away? > — View discipline as an ongoing process of helping your children to become > self-controlled and self-disciplined
Response:
My folks went through a stage where they really preferred my son over my daughter–he was 5 and more independent, while she was only 1 and I think they were afraid of her. They spent time with Cody when he was 1–but he was the only grandchild. When Josie was 1 they wanted very little to do with her and it broke my heart. They didn’t even want to come to her first birthday party because "the first birthday isn’t very important anyway"! I finally told them that they WOULD treat them equally if I had to force it and if they didn’t come to Jo’s birthday party, then they wouldn’t even be invited to Cody’s. If they didn’t want Jo to come visit, Cody wouldn’t be allowed to come visit. Etc. It worked and they very quickly great to love her and not be afraid and everything is fine now. I was very concerned when I became pregnant with Patrick because he wasn’t planned and when I told Mom she said "how could you be so stupid?" (very tactful, btw)–but they seemed to have gotten the message and are (so far) treating him just like they did Cody. I hated to be a bitch to Mom–but Cody was starting to notice the different treatment and I wasn’t going to stand for that. kendra mom to cody, 6 on Saturday; josie, 22 months; and patrick, brand new
Response:
Dear Laura, Hmmmm…. Ok, I guess I’m just as oppinionated as your daughter, so here it goes. If your Mother (or anyone else for that matter) doesn’t appreciate the beauty of your daughter’s wonderful personality, the Hell with her. Don’t let someone make her feel bad for being so open or expressive. Just because your little angel isn’t as cold and uncaring as she is, doesn’t give her the right to…..Oh, sorry, this letter really got me fired up! Good luck with your daughter, and if that means staying away from your Mother, I would. Rhonda HAVE A GREAT DAY!! http://community.webtv.net/Spyro4me/Justalittleaboutme
Response:
Hi! My daughter is one of the "a bit too honest" types as well. This is certainly not a bad thing. All I do is have her observe the reaction she gets to what she says. If it hurts someone’s feelings, I ask her if she would want her feelings hurt in the same way by someone else. She usually says no. And then I ask her if there’s a way she could say it so it didn’t hurt the persons feelings or if it was something she really needed to say at all. We figure it out and she becomes aware of the effect she creates on others and can judge what effect she really wants to create on others. It’s the Socratic method. When you have an active child, the trick is to train them without breaking them. They need their self motivation and confidence to push them to success later in life. Intelligence and reasoning with the kid works better than anything else I’ve seen. It’s hard work for the parent sometimes, but well worth it in the long run. But, some people need a good dose of honesty. Your mother sounds like one of them. What she did was horrid and I wouldn’t put up with it for a second. From what you discribe here, sounds like she’s being pretty manipulative. If I was in your shoes, I’d get her to quit it or get out while I still have a head on my shoulders. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am really having a hard time dealing with this… So I could really use some > support or at least a friendly ear on this… My daughter, as most of you > know, is almost 5. She is a very energetic, happy, imaginative, outgoing > child.. She is also a little hyper and a bit too honest {is this a bad thing? > in this case, yes} > We are visiting my parents right now {I live in WA, they live in TX} and it is > all too apparent that my mother does not like my daughter very much.. For the > main reason that she cannot control my child {I can though, thank you} My > niece {Who lives a few minutes away is taken care of by my mother when my > sister works, usually at night} My niece does not like to be touched or hugged > very much, and my daughter, just the opposite, loves to hug.. Well tonight, > Melissa {my daughter} hugged my niece who in turn shrugged up and said "No No > dont touch me" I explain to Melissa that Megan does not like to be hugged so > please dont touch her. Melissa doesnt press the issue and leaves Megan alone.. > But then my mother says, after the girls go off to play with my little sister > {age 7}, that it is way too unusual for Melissa to be so huggy at this age and > that in fact, everything Melissa does is unusual, like the fact that Melissa > doesn’t like her food prepared certain ways and has an opinion on almost > everything and is generally an "unusual child" I am pretty ticked by this time > so I say "Yea well thats Melissa" and my mother gives me a look and says "Yeah > really huh.. I guess she’ll never change" Well then a few minutes later my > little sister says to me "Melissa is SOO annoying when she hugs and when she > plays her pretend games, Mom said so too, I’m glad I’m not like that otherwise > then Mom wouldnt be nice to be either." Well I am at a point where I am about > to cry, this is just disgusting to me.. I realize my daughter is not perfect > and I realize she is probably a little too much likeme for my mother to handle > but is that any reason to be so hateful!?!? When I confronted my mother about > this she said "Oh shush you’re taking things too seriously!" Taking things too > seriously!?! WTF?!?! When it concerns my children you’re damned skippy I am > going to be a little bit more like a mother bear than intended.. It is all too > obvious that my daughter will not be accepted in the way that my neice or my > sister are mainly because she is opinionated and in my mothers world, children > should obey to the fullest extent that even their souls get suffocated and > their imaginations get crumbled.. I have no idea how to handle this and it is > really starting to get to me… help me please!?! > -Laura > — Wicked Witch of the Net > — How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away? > — View discipline as an ongoing process of helping your children to become > self-controlled and self-disciplined
Response:
Laura, Like most of the others, I can’t offer any advice her. But I did want to say KUDOS TO YOU! You are doing a brilliant job of raising a perfectly normal, affectionate, and loving child. You should be commended. There are all to many times when children are not taught to love and hug and kiss these day. (maybe that is one of the reasons we see the violence that is so prominent in our young people today?). I just wanted to let you know that you are not doing anything wrong, and that you are doing a beautiful job of parenting. Annie Single Parent Support Group www.SingleParents.net – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am really having a hard time dealing with this… So I could really use some > support or at least a friendly ear on this… My daughter, as most of you > know, is almost 5. She is a very energetic, happy, imaginative, outgoing > child.. She is also a little hyper and a bit too honest {is this a bad thing? > in this case, yes} > We are visiting my parents right now {I live in WA, they live in TX} and it is > all too apparent that my mother does not like my daughter very much.. For the > main reason that she cannot control my child {I can though, thank you} My > niece {Who lives a few minutes away is taken care of by my mother when my > sister works, usually at night} My niece does not like to be touched or hugged > very much, and my daughter, just the opposite, loves to hug.. Well tonight, > Melissa {my daughter} hugged my niece who in turn shrugged up and said "No No > dont touch me" I explain to Melissa that Megan does not like to be hugged so > please dont touch her. Melissa doesnt press the issue and leaves Megan alone.. > But then my mother says, after the girls go off to play with my little sister > {age 7}, that it is way too unusual for Melissa to be so huggy at this age and > that in fact, everything Melissa does is unusual, like the fact that Melis sa > doesn’t like her food prepared certain ways and has an opinion on almost > everything and is generally an "unusual child" I am pretty ticked by this time > so I say "Yea well thats Melissa" and my mother gives me a look and says "Yeah > really huh.. I guess she’ll never change" Well then a few minutes later my > little sister says to me "Melissa is SOO annoying when she hugs and when she > plays her pretend games, Mom said so too, I’m glad I’m not like that otherwise > then Mom wouldnt be nice to be either." Well I am at a point where I am about > to cry, this is just disgusting to me.. I realize my daughter is not perfect > and I realize she is probably a little too much likeme for my mother to handle > but is that any reason to be so hateful!?!? When I confronted my mother about > this she said "Oh shush you’re taking things too seriously!" Taking things too > seriously!?! WTF?!?! When it concerns my children you’re damned skippy I am > going to be a little bit more like a mother bear than intended.. It is all too > obvious that my daughter will not be accepted in the way that my neice or my > sister are mainly because she is opinionated and in my mothers world, children > should obey to the fullest extent that even their souls get suffocated and > their imaginations get crumbled.. I have no idea how to handle this and it is > really starting to get to me… help me please!?! > -Laura > — Wicked Witch of the Net > — How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away? > — View discipline as an ongoing process of helping your children to become > self-controlled and self-disciplined
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->My niece does not like to be touched or hugged >very much, and my daughter, just the opposite, loves to hug.. Well tonight, >Melissa {my daughter} hugged my niece who in turn shrugged up and said "No No >dont touch me" I explain to Melissa that Megan does not like to be hugged so >please dont touch her. Melissa doesnt press the issue and leaves Megan alone.. >But then my mother says, after the girls go off to play with my little sister >{age 7}, that it is way too unusual for Melissa to be so huggy at this age and >that in fact, everything Melissa does is unusual, like the fact that Melissa >doesn’t like her food prepared certain ways and has an opinion on almost >everything and is generally an "unusual child" I am pretty ticked by this time >so I say "Yea well thats Melissa" and my mother gives me a look and says "Yeah >really huh.. I guess she’ll never change" Well then a few minutes later my >little sister says to me "Melissa is SOO annoying when she hugs
Oh boy did this just remind me of something!! My son and I are very close, probably because we spent many years together as a "team" when I was a single mom after my divorce from his dad. As a smaller child (he is a teen now, so of course the rules have changed!!) he was so-o-o-o-o affectionate… he loved to sit on my lap, to hug and be hugged, a kiss goodbye and a kiss hello, I would sit on his bed with him and read his story each night rather than sit in a chair by the bed, we would snuggle together on the couch and watch a tv show or a kid’s movie and I would stroke his hair… in general there was a lot of physical contact between us. It started when he was an infant and I learned to give infant massage in the hospital (when your in for a week you get to do a lot more in the hospital!) and I have always enjoyed that contact and feeling of closeness, and never once thought anything of it. My mother, however, was appalled by it. She told me it was "unnatural" and that "people might think things" if I continued to be so openly affectionate with him. Probably because I was sexually molested as a child, even though she did absolutely nothing to end it then, she now seemed to have some sort of concern where it was unwarranted!! Guilt, perhaps? I tell you, some people’s minds are so messed up they can’t tell the difference between love and sex, reading sexual things into completely innocent stuff! That is so gross!!! Well, it did seem like something she would say, considering how cold my mother was (and is) to me and my siblings. Even though I was a really young parent and really had no clue (other than knowing how I DIDN’T want to raise my child), I knew there could be nothing wrong with this affection, despite what she was trying to read into it. So I ignored her comments, and every time she would scowl at me I would give him an extra kiss or hug!! Drove her nuts!! Awww I miss those days! Now it is SOOOOO embarassing for him to even be SEEN with his parents, let alone be seen getting a hug or a kiss when I drop him off at school! Which I guess is a good thing, I’m sure he would hate to be called a "mama’s boy" and it is important that he foster his independence. I am so proud to see him growing up!! Oh well, he still likes to be coddled when he is sick, just today he had a headache and I massaged his neck, head and shoulders for him, and he still gives big hugs goodnight when hes at home. And he still says "I love you". I hope he is learning to be affectionate and to show your feelings… I would hate for him to end up an icebox like my parents who, to this day, I wonder if they even love me! So I guess this doesn’t help answer your questions much, but just to know to go with your gut feelings, they are usually right IMHO. — Email originating from Usenet is not accepted by this account.
Response:
I feel your pain!! Except it’s not my mother, but my mother-in-law! She looks down on my little boy and my sister-in-laws two children. I guess it is because we married her sons, and we are not her blood. She is so weird!! I take better care of my child than her daughter does her own, but yet everything she does is just fine. She drops her children off with her mother every weekend so she don’t have to take care of them. When my sister in law had her first child, Brittany, my mother in law told her that her daughters little girl was the prettiest little girl she had ever saw!! How rude!! She thinks that everything I do is wrong and always starts the sentences with, %22well, when my children were that age%22, or %22when Missys’(her daughter) was that age. It makes me so mad! So I know all about the mother not liking your child. I just ignore her and go about my business! She will be the one missing out when they get older!! -**** Posted from RemarQ, http://www.remarq.com/?b ****- Real Discussions for Real People
Response:
Your daughter is fine , and so are you. Mom has to learn how to deal. My mother used to start a sentence with "well, if they were MY kids……" and I finally had to look at her and say " well, they arent, they are MY kids!" Sometimes moms figure they have the right to parent you forever, and you have to kind of go yeah yeah yeah and do it your own way. If she wont stop, then you can limit visits, or if your daughter says something to you about it, just tell her "you know, thats just grandma!" Dont let it get you down……your mom had her chance to raise a family, this is your turn.
Response:
> Your daughter is fine , and so are you. Mom has to learn how to deal. My > mother used to start a sentence with "well, if they were MY kids……" and I > finally had to look at her and say " well, they arent, they are MY kids!" > Sometimes moms figure they have the right to parent you forever, and you have > to kind of go yeah yeah yeah and do it your own way. If she wont stop, then > you can limit visits, or if your daughter says something to you about it, just > tell her "you know, thats just grandma!" Dont let it get you down……your > mom had her chance to raise a family, this is your turn.
I agree 100% — BUT whenever people find your kids annoying, it is a good idea to step back and reflect a bit. It is possible that they have a point. When an irritating nagging Mom or MIL does this, our first tendency is to be defensive ‘MY kids yadda yadda’ But just because MIL or whomever is irritating doesn’t mean that the child isn’t behaving inappropriately. So stand up for your kids and your rights — but in the secrecy of your soul — think about it, take a good second look at the child’s behavior — be SURE you have not tolerated uncivilized behavior because you are used to it.
Response:
> I am really having a hard time dealing with this… So I could really use some > support or at least a friendly ear on this… My daughter, as most of you > know, is almost 5. She is a very energetic, happy, imaginative, outgoing > child.. She is also a little hyper and a bit too honest {is this a bad thing? > in this case, yes}
What are you doing with my daughter?!? Bring her back this instant! Really, though this sounds *just* like my 5 year old…who just started kindergarten today, BTW. (sniff) > We are visiting my parents right now {I live in WA, they live in TX} and it is > all too apparent that my mother does not like my daughter very much.. For the > main reason that she cannot control my child {I can though, thank you}
My mom came to stay with us about 1 1/2 years ago to take care of Leah when my son was born. Although we never discussed it, I definitely got the impression that she found Leah to be a little more…challenging than she expected. My parents were actually pretty easy-going for parents in the 60’s and 70’s, but still, their style is and was much more rule-oriented than mine. I have also found, as you have probably too, that a light touch is by far the best method for a child like yours and mine. Leah questions everything and challenges *everything*, not because she’s disrespectful, but because she really wants to understand. This, of course, is sometimes extremely aggravating if you want her to do something *now*, but in the long run it is a blessing, since once she understands the whys and hows, the ‘rules’ are internalized and don’t need much reinforcement from me. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My > niece {Who lives a few minutes away is taken care of by my mother when my > sister works, usually at night} My niece does not like to be touched or hugged > very much, and my daughter, just the opposite, loves to hug.. Well tonight, > Melissa {my daughter} hugged my niece who in turn shrugged up and said "No No > dont touch me" I explain to Melissa that Megan does not like to be hugged so > please dont touch her. Melissa doesnt press the issue and leaves Megan > alone.. > But then my mother says, after the girls go off to play with my little sister > {age 7}, that it is way too unusual for Melissa to be so huggy at this age and > that in fact, everything Melissa does is unusual, like the fact that Melissa > doesn’t like her food prepared certain ways and has an opinion on almost > everything and is generally an "unusual child" I am pretty ticked by this > time > so I say "Yea well thats Melissa" and my mother gives me a look and says "Yeah > really huh.. I guess she’ll never change" Well then a few minutes later my > little sister says to me "Melissa is SOO annoying when she hugs and when she > plays her pretend games, Mom said so too, I’m glad I’m not like that otherwise > then Mom wouldnt be nice to be either." Well I am at a point where I am about > to cry, this is just disgusting to me.
Well, I am disgusted and furious just reading about this! What in *hell* is wrong with a five year old liking to hug? And what in *hell* is wrong with ‘pretend games’? You have an affectionate, imaginative and intelligent child and that’s something to be *proud* of! I’m admittedly a little biased since my daughter is like this too, but think you had every right to be upset. > I realize my daughter is not perfect > and I realize she is probably a little too much likeme for my mother to handle > but is that any reason to be so hateful!?!? When I confronted my mother about > this she said "Oh shush you’re taking things too seriously!" Taking things too > seriously!?! WTF?!?! When it concerns my children you’re damned skippy I am > going to be a little bit more like a mother bear than intended.. It is all too > obvious that my daughter will not be accepted in the way that my neice or my > sister are mainly because she is opinionated and in my mothers world, children > should obey to the fullest extent that even their souls get suffocated and > their imaginations get crumbled.. I have no idea how to handle this and it is > really starting to get to me… help me please!?!
My big worry would be that if the 7 year old picked up on the fact that your Mom is treating your daughter differently, that your daughter can pick up on it too. Did you mention *that* to your mom? I don’t know how comfortable you are being candid with your mother, but I think you need to put the cards on the table. Tell her that you’ve noticed that she treats Melissa differently, and that your little sister has noticed it too. Tell her that Melissa may be different than the kids she’s used to, and your parenting style may be different, but that you’re proud of her and don’t want her hurt by your mom’s prejudice. If your mom denies there’s a problem, or is unwilling to try to love your daughter the way she is, you may have no choice but to limit visits. It’s sad, because if you just accept and appreciate the Leahs and Melissas of the world for what they are, they really are a joy to be around. (My daughter’s preschool teachers used to trade ‘Leah-isms’ with us–funny and insightful comments she comes up with all the time.) I’m happy to say that on our last visit with my parents things went much better; for one thing, they didn’t have to discipline her, but more importantly I think they finally ‘got’ what she’s about. I hope your mother does someday too. Sorry this went on so long, but I really feel for your situation and wanted you to be absolutely sure that there’s at least one other mom in the world who understands and appreciates your daughter! Laura Uerling
Response:
{{{Laura}}} I went through the same thing with my mom. I think it has something to do with their own frustration over not being able to dictate how you do things anymore. I simply made it very clear that I wasn’t going to allow her to treat my daughter badly and that she’d better get it together or else. If I was forced to choose she can guess who will win. I would miss her terribly but my daughter’s self-esteem is too precious to play those kinds of games. She got the message and I think she genuinely likes her now. Sometimes the qualities of a budding independent thinker are hard for some people to handle. They have a picture of a demure and compliant child in their head and it sticks in their craw when they are challenged. Well, it’s time for grandma to grow up. There is nothing wrong with you or your daughter, it’s your mom’s problem. Let her deal with it and stay away if it is too painful. You have the right to protect you daughter and yourself. Some people are just plain "toxic" and your mom may be one of them. Kris
Response:
I am really having a hard time dealing with this… So I could really use some support or at least a friendly ear on this… My daughter, as most of you know, is almost 5. She is a very energetic, happy, imaginative, outgoing child.. She is also a little hyper and a bit too honest {is this a bad thing? in this case, yes} We are visiting my parents right now {I live in WA, they live in TX} and it is all too apparent that my mother does not like my daughter very much.. For the main reason that she cannot control my child {I can though, thank you} My niece {Who lives a few minutes away is taken care of by my mother when my sister works, usually at night} My niece does not like to be touched or hugged very much, and my daughter, just the opposite, loves to hug.. Well tonight, Melissa {my daughter} hugged my niece who in turn shrugged up and said "No No dont touch me" I explain to Melissa that Megan does not like to be hugged so please dont touch her. Melissa doesnt press the issue and leaves Megan alone.. But then my mother says, after the girls go off to play with my little sister {age 7}, that it is way too unusual for Melissa to be so huggy at this age and that in fact, everything Melissa does is unusual, like the fact that Melissa doesn’t like her food prepared certain ways and has an opinion on almost everything and is generally an "unusual child" I am pretty ticked by this time so I say "Yea well thats Melissa" and my mother gives me a look and says "Yeah really huh.. I guess she’ll never change" Well then a few minutes later my little sister says to me "Melissa is SOO annoying when she hugs and when she plays her pretend games, Mom said so too, I’m glad I’m not like that otherwise then Mom wouldnt be nice to be either." Well I am at a point where I am about to cry, this is just disgusting to me.. I realize my daughter is not perfect and I realize she is probably a little too much likeme for my mother to handle but is that any reason to be so hateful!?!? When I confronted my mother about this she said "Oh shush you’re taking things too seriously!" Taking things too seriously!?! WTF?!?! When it concerns my children you’re damned skippy I am going to be a little bit more like a mother bear than intended.. It is all too obvious that my daughter will not be accepted in the way that my neice or my sister are mainly because she is opinionated and in my mothers world, children should obey to the fullest extent that even their souls get suffocated and their imaginations get crumbled.. I have no idea how to handle this and it is really starting to get to me… help me please!?! -Laura — Wicked Witch of the Net — How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away? — View discipline as an ongoing process of helping your children to become self-controlled and self-disciplined
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