Question:
> These boys are very close. His friend is a very good > kid and I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, > they just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen > them even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am > making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering > alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing > to have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input.
What has your son said about the beer? Does he even notice? You are right, it is a different lifestyle, and it’s not yours. THis is a good opportunity to discuss the choices a person makes when growing up, and the reason WHY you’ve decided to NOT drink. I agree with you that 1 beer doesn’t make a bad Mom, but have you thought that maybe the only time this Mom gets to sit, read the paper, catch up with the kids etc is while she’s having this beer. This might be the only "treat" she gets all day long. My parents had a drink and cheese and crackers before dinner every night. When we were younger, we would go play and wait for dinner. As we got older and could carry on an intelligent converstaion we would join them, drinking juice. Older still, Dad would mix us a drink too. This was an excellent chance for them to catch up on their day and on ours. Mom and Dad are both retired, and they still do this. Talk to your son. Try to see this Mom thru his eyes. ChrisOD Mom-to-Mom http://www.cluein.com/cluein/public_summary.html?cid=R1556 A messageboard run by a Mom, for other Moms all about being Moms
Response:
While I don’t agree with drinking at all, the sad fact is that it is perfectly legal for a parent or guardian to give their child alcohol. As long as it is purchased by the parent or guardian, and consumed in their presence…well per our police department, there is absolutely nothing illegal with it. HOWEVER, I don’t understand why anyone would want to encourage drinking in their child. Just MO. Single Parent Support Group http://www.SingleParents.net
Response:
> While I don’t agree with drinking at all, the sad fact is that it is > perfectly legal for a parent or guardian to give their child alcohol. As > long as it is purchased by the parent or guardian, and consumed in their > presence…well per our police department, there is absolutely nothing > illegal with it. HOWEVER, I don’t understand why anyone would want to > encourage drinking in their child. Just MO. > Single Parent Support Group > http://www.SingleParents.net
I don’t think children should be given alcohol — except perhaps communion wine or as part of religious ceremonies like Seder — but older teens who learn to drink moderately e.g. a glass of wine at dinner on occasion when the family is having it are less likely to develop neurotic problems with alcohol or alcholism. Moderate use of alcohol is healthful and appropriate — the idea that ‘all drinking is bad’ when applied to other people is uptight and prudish. [one always has the option of making personal choice for oneself -- and of course children of alcoholics are sensible to avoid alchohol for lots of reasons] We ought to be able to convey to young people a sensible view of alcohol without encouraging abuse just as we ought to be able to convey to them the desirability of sex without encouraging promiscuity. The kids who are bingeing and barfing and dying of alcohol poisoning at college or in the back seat or in the woods are often the children of people who have made alchol a secret, magic, sinful treat. Kids who see their parents use alcohol in moderation are not likely to equate barfing up a six pack with adulthood.
Response:
> I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but some of > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays at > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around or in > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we don’t > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If we > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by
ourselves. The main – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as well > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, I did > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. My > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she had a > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but did > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first night > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only has > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him after she > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house after > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings and I > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she actually > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a right > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down the > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
-Michelle, I grew up in a household where there was very little alcohol consumed. A glass of wine occassionally. The only talk about drugs and alcohol I got was from my friends. I couldn’t wait to try what I had zero knowledge of. The only thing my parents told me about drinking and drugs is DON’T. I totally respect your views, but with my kids I like them to see that yeah, mom and dad can have a beer responsibly. But thats just my view. take care.- Before you buy.
Response:
>Sorry to have rambled, especially since I have entered this thread very late. >There is a difference between having a drink or two, and becoming rip-roaring >drunk to the point of not being capable of caring for the children. >Krystal
I love when you ramble. Especially when I agree with you. Josie–Mommy to Sarah-(10), Lynne-(6), and Parker-(4) By the way, the name is Dieu Vous Garde Never take life too seriously…nobody ever gets out of it alive anyway.
Response:
My mother had a rule for herself while we were growing up: She was adamant on not letting us kids see her do anything that she would not want to see us doing. (teaching through example) While I do not have a particular with parents drinking (with-in reason, of course) in front of their kids, I would not allow those responsible for my kids to drink to the point of being drunk. We all know that an intoxicated individual is not capable of attending to the emergencies that could arise with children in the house. I have a friend who very recently left her husband. Her daughter is a good friend of my daughter, and the husband still lives close by. A few weeks ago, the kids went back to the dad’s house to stay the night with him. The father (dumbass) chose the first night he got to see his kids in an entire week, to envite his buddies over and have a party. There were three kids he was responsible for ages, 3, 6 & 7. He had three other adult men in the house all drinking. The father himself was also intoxicated. The kids were up until Well past 1AM (when I went to bed, I peeked out the window, and they were still outside jumping on the trampoline, with the 4 adult men still drinking). Emily’s friend, Kelly said that she fell asleep on the couch and her Dad woke her up and told her she wasn’t gonna sleep during their party. One of the charming guests of her fathers has a habbit of exposing himself to whoever is around when he drinks. And he did to the kids that night. I babysat the kids the following day, so the kids told me most of this themselves. Their stories scared Emily and she says she never wants to go to Kelley’s house again. Especially the sotry of the gentle man who "pulled down his pants and his underware in front of the kids" This BTW, opened up a conversation between my daughter and myself about how this is wrong, and if it ever happens to her she needs to tell Mommy or Daddy. There were a gross series of bad judgement calls on the part of the (dumbass) father. Most of which I think he could have more effectively handled if he were sober. Like asking his charming friend to LEAVE. Sorry to have rambled, especially since I have entered this thread very late. There is a difference between having a drink or two, and becoming rip-roaring drunk to the point of not being capable of caring for the children. Krystal If evolution really works, then why do mothers have only two arms? Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.
Response:
> I wouldn’t give young kids alchol with meals — but older teens are better off > learning to drink responsibly at home — than binging on weekends at college > or whatever which is the other option for most of them. Teaching kids good > judgment about legal issues is also part of the package. Surely no one > thinks that it makes a lot of sense to have alchol use illegal for people old > enough to marry, vote and serve in the military.
If you are of legal drinking age–and it doesn’t sound like you are– and you are serving alcohol to your teen and/or his friends, you are breaking the law and will have to pay the penalty as specified in your state. The highest percentage of drunk driving accidents comes from drivers in the 16-19 age bracket. If you provide booze for teens and they go out and hurt or kill someone while they are driving drunk, you are legally responsible. It doesn’t matter if they can "marry, vote and serve in the military." Statistics prove that they aren’t ready to drink and the law enforces that. Avril Before you buy.
Response:
i can totally relate to what you are saying. I grew up with a father who drank and I know how horrible a life it is. I worry because my kids do not see the real affects it can have on a family that they will think it is OK to drink. Two of my grandparents died from drinking and my husband’s has alot of drinkers on his side. The odds are against my kids being social drinkers. If you want to keep you kids away from people who drink then you need to do what is best for your family. We stayed at my mother in laws condo on vacation recently and she has alot of liquor there. My son went up to her and said you know you are going to die because you drink that stuff. He at age 6 believes it is a drug. My husband I guess trying not to have his mother embarrassed said oh liquor won’t hurt you. Now we got into a really big fight. I can’t help his mother is an alcoholic but if my son wants to have those believes which I approve of well then he had no right to tell him he was wrong. barb mom to Meghan 8, Joey 6 and Tommy 3.
Response:
Where I live, it is against the law for anyone under the age of 21 to drink or for any adult to supply a drink for anyone under the age of 21. In light of that, I don’t feel it’s a good idea to start off a 12 yr old child with wine at dinner time. The absence of alcohol around the house won’t make children want to try drinking anymore than the absence of guns or illegal drugs will make them try shooting guns or heroin. Some people simply don’t drink. Not because of "drinking problems," but just because they don’t drink. My husband’s family and my family were not drinkers and the absence of alcohol didn’t drive me or my husband to drink. Now, we raise our family without any alcohol in the home, as do our siblings. And none of our teens are drinkers. I’m sure your dad was a wonderful man and I admire how you want to model this aspect of your life after your father’s way of raising you. Yet you were drinking pints of beer at 14 and drinking heavily on weekends at 16. I see that as a huge problem. That’s precisely the situation I desire to keep my kids away from. And it happened in your household where you were exposed to alcohol. I have to believe, therefore, that the opposite is true. If we give our kids alcohol as teens, besides breaking the law, we are teaching them that they can’t have fun without booze–and that’s simply not true. Avril – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If you make an issue of it and don’t have it around the house at all, then > your children will wonder what’s so important about this ‘alcohol stuff and > if they don’t try it at home with you in moderation, (a glass of wine with a > large meal from about twelve years old I think is reasonable) then they will > try it elsewhere, and that means you won’t be able to monitor it. > I see your concern with this situation and *totally* agree with you not > allowing your friend to drive. There’s a big difference between having a > drink in the evening to relax and having an alcohol related problem. The > trouble is it’s a gradual difference and there’s a lot of grey before white > turns to black. You didn’t mention your sons age. Until about twelve I’d > tell him alcohol is an adults drink, after that let them have it with you > (i.e. in moderation) and let the subject fall into discussions (don’t bring > it up yourself) – that way you’re not making a big deal of it. > When I was younger – from 11ish I’d have an occasional (you might even say > rare) glass of wine with a big Sunday meal with my parents. At 13 I > sometimes had a pint in the pub next to the train station if I had a long > wait for a train/bus home. At 14 at weekends I used to run about 12 miles > with my dad (well I was usually well ahead) to the cricket club he was > treasurer at. We’d both have a pint or two when we got there and we’d have > a ride back when mum arrived. At 16/17 for about 6 months I drank a lot > once a week. That stopped suddenly when I passed my driving test and my > favourite drink in the pub became blackcurrent & lemonade. Now I might have > a can or two infront of the tele on a Monday night. (Monday’s effectively > the end of my week) I don’t hide it from my children, but to them it’s an > adult’s drink that children cant have. Other people might think I have a > problem, when I’m in the supermarket with my 3 children and one of them > shouts at the top of their voice "BEER BEER THAT’S DADDY’S BEER" > My general point is you can guide them, but don’t hide it from them, if you > do you’re making it an issue and that isn’t good. > Everything above is of course IMO > Haircut 100 – proud SAHD father of 3 wonderful girls. > I sure > I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but > some of > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays > at > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around > or in > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we > don’t > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If > we > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by ourselves. The > main > reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as > well > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, > I did > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. > My > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she > had a > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but > did > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first > night > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a > good > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only > has > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him > after she > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house > after > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings > and I > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she > actually > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires > in > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a > right > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down > the > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and > I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they > just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them > even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am > making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering > alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to > have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Where I live, it is against the law for anyone under the age of 21 to > drink or for any adult to supply a drink for anyone under the age of > 21. In light of that, I don’t feel it’s a good idea to start off a 12 > yr old child with wine at dinner time. > The absence of alcohol around the house won’t make children want to try > drinking anymore than the absence of guns or illegal drugs will make > them try shooting guns or heroin. > Some people simply don’t drink. Not because of "drinking problems," but > just because they don’t drink. My husband’s family and my family were > not drinkers and the absence of alcohol didn’t drive me or my husband > to drink. Now, we raise our family without any alcohol in the home, as > do our siblings. And none of our teens are drinkers. > I’m sure your dad was a wonderful man and I admire how you want to > model this aspect of your life after your father’s way of raising you. > Yet you were drinking pints of beer at 14 and drinking heavily on > weekends at 16. I see that as a huge problem. That’s precisely the > situation I desire to keep my kids away from. And it happened in your > household where you were exposed to alcohol. > I have to believe, therefore, that the opposite is true. If we give our > kids alcohol as teens, besides breaking the law, we are teaching them > that they can’t have fun without booze–and that’s simply not true. > Avril
In a home where alcohol is used responsibly kids get a good model of drinking whether they drink with the family or not. [it is ludicrous to suggest that a teen who has a glass of wine with a family dinner is being taught that you 'can't have fun without alcohol.' ] a child who grows up in a home without any alcohol is not getting the chance to see responsible drinking BUT he is also seeing good role models. A child who lives in a home where parents drink — but sneak around hiding it and making a big fuss about their kid ever seeing an adult drink ARE teaching their kids that alcohol is very desirable and encouraging negative drinking behavior. There is lots of evidence that kids who grow up with alcohol as a minor but accepted part of dining and culture are LESS likely to abuse alcohol than kids who grow up in homes where alcohol is abused or never used. I wouldn’t give young kids alchol with meals — but older teens are better off learning to drink responsibly at home — than binging on weekends at college or whatever which is the other option for most of them. Teaching kids good judgment about legal issues is also part of the package. Surely no one thinks that it makes a lot of sense to have alchol use illegal for people old enough to marry, vote and serve in the military. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If you make an issue of it and don’t have it around the house at all, > then > your children will wonder what’s so important about this ‘alcohol > stuff and > if they don’t try it at home with you in moderation, (a glass of wine > with a > large meal from about twelve years old I think is reasonable) then > they will > try it elsewhere, and that means you won’t be able to monitor it. > I see your concern with this situation and *totally* agree with you > not > allowing your friend to drive. There’s a big difference between > having a > drink in the evening to relax and having an alcohol related problem. > The > trouble is it’s a gradual difference and there’s a lot of grey before > white > turns to black. You didn’t mention your sons age. Until about > twelve I’d > tell him alcohol is an adults drink, after that let them have it with > you > (i.e. in moderation) and let the subject fall into discussions (don’t > bring > it up yourself) – that way you’re not making a big deal of it. > When I was younger – from 11ish I’d have an occasional (you might > even say > rare) glass of wine with a big Sunday meal with my parents. At 13 I > sometimes had a pint in the pub next to the train station if I had a > long > wait for a train/bus home. At 14 at weekends I used to run about 12 > miles > with my dad (well I was usually well ahead) to the cricket club he was > treasurer at. We’d both have a pint or two when we got there and > we’d have > a ride back when mum arrived. At 16/17 for about 6 months I drank a > lot > once a week. That stopped suddenly when I passed my driving test and > my > favourite drink in the pub became blackcurrent & lemonade. Now I > might have > a can or two infront of the tele on a Monday night. (Monday’s > effectively > the end of my week) I don’t hide it from my children, but to them > it’s an > adult’s drink that children cant have. Other people might think I > have a > problem, when I’m in the supermarket with my 3 children and one of > them > shouts at the top of their voice "BEER BEER THAT’S DADDY’S BEER" > My general point is you can guide them, but don’t hide it from them, > if you > do you’re making it an issue and that isn’t good. > Everything above is of course IMO > Haircut 100 – proud SAHD father of 3 wonderful girls. > I sure > > I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, > but > some of > > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him > over quite > > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, > stays > at > > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink > around > or in > > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but > we > don’t > > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are > here. If > we > > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by > ourselves. The > main > > reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the > family as > well > > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and > personally, > I did > > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire > anymore. > My > > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that > she > had a > > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, > but > did > > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his > first > night > > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always > has a > good > > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she > only > has > > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with > him > after she > > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys > house > after > > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the > evenings > and I > > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, > she > actually > > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by > far not a > > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those > desires > in > > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone > has a > right > > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should > slow down > the > > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good > kid and > I do > > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, > they > just > > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen > them > even > > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I > am > making a > > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering > alcoholics > > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing > to > have to > > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > > Michelle…mommy of 3 > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
She let me know this before my son spent his first night there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good time, but Sounds to me that she is a responsible adult. As long as he is having a good time and is safe cool. When I went to pick him up though, she actually was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I think you are over reacting a little. BUT that is just what I think. doesn’t make me right or wrong. Nothing wrong with her drinking on front of you. It was her home. The desires to have a drink don’t come just from seeing an adult having a drink. As an adult it is okay to have a drink and that may be what you need to explain should he ask or question about drinking. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even buzzing. They treat my son great. This is something you should be focusing on. The boys have a good friendship going and needs to be nurtured to grow. I will telly ou right now you will run into a whole bunch of people you will like but don’t live or think the way you do. As long as they treat him right, don’t drink and drive, and you like them stop worrying. My husband is a recovering and I keep some beer in the back fridge for when some friends might come over. I am personally not a drinker but some of them like to have a beer once in a while. My kids know what drinking is and they know you can get hurt by it. They also know you need to be an adult to do it. Same with smoking. You need to use what you feel comfotable with but remember you can’t keep him locked up from all the things you dont’ like in this world. Good Luck I just need reassurance that I am – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering >alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to >have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but some of > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays at > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around or in > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we don’t > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If we > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by ourselves. The main > reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as well > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, I did > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. My > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she had a > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but did > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first night > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only has > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him after she > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house after > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings and I > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she actually > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a right > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down the > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
You speak of not wanting to put the desires of drinking into your kids heads as okay but I think you have to tell them something about it as it is a part of society, like it or not. When something becomes taboo this only makes kids more curious. You need to find a middle line in which you can safely explain the difference between social and heavy drinkers. Knowledge is a powerful tool, on any subject. Personally I also relax to a drink. I do this about twice a week and so does Kieron. We do this in front of the kids and have no qualms about doing so. As a result they don’t even bat an eyelid when we pour ourselves a drink as it is a rather boring event in our household for them. Concerning you not allowing guests to bring alcohol to your home, that is your prerogative and nobody’s business but your own. You have every right to say no to alcohol and this is not over-reacting. Concerning this lady in question socially drinking in front of you and your son, I think you are slightly over-reacting. It sounds like she is very responsible and just as you are allowed your habits in your home, so too is she in hers. The bottom line is that she doesn’t drive after more than one beer and she treats your son very well, and her son is your son’s best friend. If it ever changes from this then you have to look again at the situation but as it stands it sounds fairly harmless. You have some very real issues to consider when tackling this problem but IMHO, family history or not, the drinking topic is best explained and not avoided and hidden. You said that the mother explained to you that her social drinking was her way of winding down. Is there any reason why this should be the explanation given to your son as well? Try telling him that she simply likes the taste but only a little bit at a time (the two beers), and he may learn about drinking in moderation instead of drinking to relax. — Leonie Lawson Co-Creator of Maia Shea (19/11/96) and Casta Grace (9/8/98) dum vivimus, vivamus (while we live, let us live)
Response:
>If you drink why not drink ‘in front of your son?’ The idea that drink >is something to be sneaky about is part of the whole culture of teen >binge drinking. Families who have wine with dinner and generally model >responsible adult use of alcohol are LESS likely to have problem teen >drinkers than families that hide their social drinking and make a big >deal out of it. >A person who drinks to excess is not an appropriate caretaker of a child — >even temporarily — but if we are talking about having a beer on a hot >afternoon — well I’d rather my kids saw having A beer as a normal social >think — rather than the usual teen intro to drinking which is ‘guzzle till >you puke’.
I agree here. This ‘binge drinking’ is really in the news quite abit nowdays. I think that the more you expose your children to,( in a responsible manner only, of course) the better prepared for life they’ll be in the long run. Josie–mommy to Sarah (10), Lynne (6), and Parker (4) by the way, the name is: Dieu Vous Garde "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."….T.S.Eliot
Response:
You seam to have a lot of opinions already, here’s my tuppence worth. If you don’t make an issue of it, your children won’t think anything of it, they’re there to play. If you make an issue of it and don’t have it around the house at all, then your children will wonder what’s so important about this ‘alcohol stuff and if they don’t try it at home with you in moderation, (a glass of wine with a large meal from about twelve years old I think is reasonable) then they will try it elsewhere, and that means you won’t be able to monitor it. I see your concern with this situation and *totally* agree with you not allowing your friend to drive. There’s a big difference between having a drink in the evening to relax and having an alcohol related problem. The trouble is it’s a gradual difference and there’s a lot of grey before white turns to black. You didn’t mention your sons age. Until about twelve I’d tell him alcohol is an adults drink, after that let them have it with you (i.e. in moderation) and let the subject fall into discussions (don’t bring it up yourself) – that way you’re not making a big deal of it. When I was younger – from 11ish I’d have an occasional (you might even say rare) glass of wine with a big Sunday meal with my parents. At 13 I sometimes had a pint in the pub next to the train station if I had a long wait for a train/bus home. At 14 at weekends I used to run about 12 miles with my dad (well I was usually well ahead) to the cricket club he was treasurer at. We’d both have a pint or two when we got there and we’d have a ride back when mum arrived. At 16/17 for about 6 months I drank a lot once a week. That stopped suddenly when I passed my driving test and my favourite drink in the pub became blackcurrent & lemonade. Now I might have a can or two infront of the tele on a Monday night. (Monday’s effectively the end of my week) I don’t hide it from my children, but to them it’s an adult’s drink that children cant have. Other people might think I have a problem, when I’m in the supermarket with my 3 children and one of them shouts at the top of their voice "BEER BEER THAT’S DADDY’S BEER" My general point is you can guide them, but don’t hide it from them, if you do you’re making it an issue and that isn’t good. Everything above is of course IMO Haircut 100 – proud SAHD father of 3 wonderful girls. I sure
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but some of > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays at > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around or in > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we don’t > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If we > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by ourselves. The main > reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as well > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, I did > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. My > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she had a > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but did > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first night > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only has > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him after she > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house after > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings and I > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she actually > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a right > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down the > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
Response:
I think that hiding the drinking would be even worse, or not acknowledging the situation would make it difficult for the child. I think that taliking with your son would be very important, especially so if there is alcoholism in your family. The sooner you talk about it the better. Explain the drinking and ask your child what they think about the situation. Just stay involved. Remember when parents hide things from childeren the kids generally have a great desire to become interested in these things. Anything from Christmas presents to drinking and so forth. Good Luck Estlin
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I haven’t been put in that situation yet because my son is only 2, so I > don’t know for sure how I’d react. But, my gut reaction is that I > would not let me son stay at a home where the caretaker(s) is drinking. > My husband and I don’t really drink other than an occassional glass of > wine if we are out to dinner. We made it a point never to drink in > front of our son even if we were comfortably at home and weren’t > leaving. The only exception is family get-togethers where wine/beer is > not uncommon. But either my husband or I drinks only soda during those > get-togethers and we are fortunate to have a family where nobody abuses > alcohol, 1 or 2 driks is all. > I basically live by the theory that if I don’t think something is in > the best interest of my son (like drinking in front of him), I > certainly don’t let other people do it. So, I guess what I’m trying to > say is that your son can still have fun with his friend without staying > over at their home where the caretaker is drinking. 1 or 2 beers > affects some people far more than others and only a small amount of > alcohol can affect judgement. If it were me, I would have the boy stay > over at our home instead. Just my thoughts…. > -Treelo
If you drink why not drink ‘in front of your son?’ The idea that drink is something to be sneaky about is part of the whole culture of teen binge drinking. Families who have wine with dinner and generally model responsible adult use of alcohol are LESS likely to have problem teen drinkers than families that hide their social drinking and make a big deal out of it. A person who drinks to excess is not an appropriate caretaker of a child — even temporarily — but if we are talking about having a beer on a hot afternoon — well I’d rather my kids saw having A beer as a normal social think — rather than the usual teen intro to drinking which is ‘guzzle till you puke’.
Response:
G,day Michelle (Congrats on you new job btw 
) Here is my 2 cents worth; I socially drink,( my hubbie rarely). My mom is in A.A ( 20yrs sober)My step-mom who raised me was actively drinking. I also have friends in A.A. When people are over who are in A.A we never have alcohol in the house, nor do we bring it theirs. For myself, some weekends I love to curl up to a good movie w/ my DH, a bag of chips & 1 or 2 *Hard Mikes Lemonade* ( I LOVE the taste).We do not drink to get drunk. I was at a cottage this summer & occasionally split a cooler during the day w/ a friend. I really don’t give it a second thought. It is not an issue for me to have a drink infront of my kids. Your concerns for your child in that home environment are totally legit, I raised my eyebrows as I read ..’a couple of beers to unwind for the evening’. I immediately thought, " I do a lot of things to unwind; like go on the ng, or workout , swim etc. but not drink each night!" I can not judge how ever, this is your call. Do what you feel comfortable w/. I agree w/ Lynn & Aula. It is wiser to teach are kids how to think not what to think & to make the best choices for themselves b/c it is the right thing to do! (That they will benefit from.) I know of this family ,( for about 10 yrs now). The mom has a glass of wine every night w/ dinner. It is tradition & in their culture.They are a lovely & healthy family~no alcoholism. It is good to hear other peoples perspective on this topic, it never occurred to me that some might have an issue w/ drinking at all. Grub*67 (remove *no-spam* when replying) "Some people think we put that we put our life on hold to raise a child but we know that to hold a child is life"
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but some of > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays at > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around or in > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we don’t > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If we > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by ourselves. The main > reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as well > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, I did > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. My > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she had a > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but did > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first night > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only has > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him after she > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house after > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings and I > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she actually > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a right > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down the > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
Response:
I haven’t been put in that situation yet because my son is only 2, so I don’t know for sure how I’d react. But, my gut reaction is that I would not let me son stay at a home where the caretaker(s) is drinking. My husband and I don’t really drink other than an occassional glass of wine if we are out to dinner. We made it a point never to drink in front of our son even if we were comfortably at home and weren’t leaving. The only exception is family get-togethers where wine/beer is not uncommon. But either my husband or I drinks only soda during those get-togethers and we are fortunate to have a family where nobody abuses alcohol, 1 or 2 driks is all. I basically live by the theory that if I don’t think something is in the best interest of my son (like drinking in front of him), I certainly don’t let other people do it. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that your son can still have fun with his friend without staying over at their home where the caretaker is drinking. 1 or 2 beers affects some people far more than others and only a small amount of alcohol can affect judgement. If it were me, I would have the boy stay over at our home instead. Just my thoughts…. -Treelo Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
People are going to drink in front of kids, both their own and other peoples. I can understand why the drinking would bother you since I don’t drink and tend to avoid having my kids around people that do. I think though, that it might actually end up being a good idea for your son to be around these people since they only drink in moderation. He will have them to use as an example of responsible drinking habits. It will also give you a good opportunity to explain the difference between being a drinker and being a drunk and the importance of knowing when you’ve had enough.
Response:
I have to agree with Lynn here. I grew up in a house where there was no alcohol [my mother poured some expensive Christmas gifts from my father's boss down the kitchen sink more than once] and I was not exposed to any sort of alcohol consumption at all. When I left for college I got roaring drunk the first night out and for several more nights over several more years there-after. I believe that a good reason for this was that I had never been exposed to moderate, well-controlled social drinking [i.e.: wine with dinner] and that I was simply told that drinking was bad for me. I did not become an alcoholic but I sure was immature in my handling of drink for several years. I am now married to a wonderful man who is, coincidentally, a recovered alcoholic [nearly 20 years now]. He has an extensive family history of alcoholism so we do not have any sort of the stuff in the house, which is fine with me. This does mean, however, that we are going to have to carefully educate our son so that he, hopefully, avoids both his father’s disease and my mistakes of younger days. In short, IMHO, I think that a balanced exposure to alcohol to demystify it and provide appropriate role models for moderate consumption, combined with education of the risks of improper consumption and the disease factor, probably gives our children the best chance to approach their own experiences with the stuff successfully. But, as I said, this is only my opinion and we have a 4 year old, not a 24 year old, so I don’t know how we will do with application/results yet. 8-0 Aula
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> People are going to drink in front of kids, both their own and other > peoples. I can understand why the drinking would bother you since I don’t > drink and tend to avoid having my kids around people that do. I think > though, that it might actually end up being a good idea for your son to be > around these people since they only drink in moderation. He will have them > to use as an example of responsible drinking habits. It will also give you a > good opportunity to explain the difference between being a drinker and being > a drunk and the importance of knowing when you’ve had enough.
Response:
I think you are over-reacting because of your family history (and be advised, dh and I both have alcoholic fathers so I know where you’re coming from). Your children see you drink once in a long while (as do mine). You can keep a close eye on the situation and you know the signs. You can discuss it with your son. This is all to the good and no need to get any more hyped up about it, I think. –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but some of > my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite > often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays at > our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around or in > front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we don’t > allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If we > have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by ourselves. The main > reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as well > as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, I did > enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. My > sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she had a > beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but did > wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first night > there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good > time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only has > two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him after she > had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house after > school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings and I > know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she actually > was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a > prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in > my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a right > to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down the > friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do > like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just > have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even > buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am making a > good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics > in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to have to > "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. > Michelle…mommy of 3
Response:
Michelle, How close are you to the other boy’s mom? Would you feel comfortable talking with her about your family history? Or do you think that would cause difficulties between the two of you or her and your son? It sounds like you really like the woman and you like the relationship your son has with her boy. But I know how this can be a "big thing" to some. My grandfather (who passed away 6 months before I was born) was an alcoholic. That is candy coating it really. He was a mean drunk mostly. (Some of the stories I have been told are enough to make your hair stand on end.) My mother after growing up in that household and seeing what drinking did to her father vowed never to drink. She hasn’t yet and she will be 70 in January. :-} This sort of thing would bother her to the point that she would never have allowed me to go to my friend’s house if the parents were drinking beer. I am glad you still allow your son to be friends with the person he wants to be best buds with. But I can understand how this would be something that bothers you. I don’t think you are overreacting. We all have "hot buttons," so to speak and this one is yours. I know that the schools here start drug education in Kindergarten. And they include cigarettes and alcohol in the discussions. Is it the same there? My daughter is always telling DH when she sees him smoking how bad it is for him, that he is using a drug, etc. And she asks me too about alcohol. We have a good friend who is like the mother of your son’s friend. He will have a beer or two in the evening to unwind after work. Anna asks me why he does that. I just tell her that some adults do that. It isn’t something kids can have under any circumstances. And that everyone is different. Just like some people really like hot peppers (something she hates.) Not everyone has to like them or eat them and some people can’t eat them because they make them sick. Alcohol is the same way. And I tell her too that some things like alcohol are ok if they are only taken in moderation. She understands that some people consume too much and that is where the problem is. That’s enough knowledge for a 7 year old I think. So maybe too you might think about talking to your son about it all. You can explain addiction to him in terms that he would understand. I relate it to a disease. (My mother is a diet controlled diabetic. So I have talked with my daughter about sometimes people’s bodies can’t handle the poisons in alcohol or other drugs (and that is what it is to the body) the way Grandma’s body can’t handle sugar. But that they want it anyway. Just like Grandma would love to have a caramel ice cream sundae but can’t. She understood all of that.) Given your family history, I think it would be a good idea to talk with your son at length about it all. Try to be casual, but remember to be honest. This is something you have to get a jump start on. It seems like kids are starting into all of that younger and younger every year. (Or, Lord forbid, am I just getting older???? :}) I hope some of what I said helps. At least, understand that I get where you are coming from. And I don’t think you are being a whacky mom. Hang in there. Sharon
Response:
Difficult one here, although I would think that as you say, you’ve drunk a bit and had problems with family members you’d know the signs etc if the drink was being overdone in front of the kids.. You seem happy enough and are sensible enough not to let her drive etc so unless it becomes bad you could probably just leave things as they are.. My parents had the odd one in front of me and included me in a glass of table wine from around 12 when they were having some (which wasn’t that often) this was quite a good way I thought because it meant that I didn’t think alchohol was particularly interesting or exciting so never really went to extremes on it.. Don’t drink much or often now and DH doesn’t drink at all.. (family probs put him off, plus he’s usually driving so he decided just to stop) Have fun, Kate (Scotland) Mom 2 Geran (Hallowe’en ‘97) Visit my website at http://x-stream.fortunecity.com/elmst/41 Nothing is bad for you, in moderation enough.. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
I don’t let my children around anyone who is drinking. Alcoholism runs in my side of the family (which I just found out my 17 year old brother has a problem with it), and there are a few relatives I grew up not knowing b/c they were always drunk. I resent them now for not caring enough to be decent for their own grandchild, and now they are missing out on their great grandchildren (my children). Anyway, I would not leave my child in the care of anyone who has been drinking at all. Not even myself. I drink maybe 3-4 times a year, and that’s when we’re lucky enough to have an all-night sitter. Drinking can easily get out of hand, and she may drink more when your son isn’t looking. IMO only, no judgements. Marie www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.htm
>I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I
thought I was, but some of >my family questions my choice. My sons best friend
invites him over quite >often. They have been best friends for about 2 years.
He as well, stays at >our house too. The problem is that my husband and I
do not drink around or in >front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the
first place, but we don’t >allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if
our kids are here. If we >have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a
restaurant by ourselves. The main >reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my
side of the family as well >as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to
families and personally, I did >enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve
a desire anymore. My >sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did
tell me that she had a >beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she
didn’t get drunk, but did >wind down to that. She let me know this before my son
spent his first night >there. Since then, I have let him stay several times.
He always has a good >time, but when I question him about the beer casually,
he says she only has >two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to
drive with him after she >had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to
this boys house after >school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it
is in the evenings and I >know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick
him up though, she actually >was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me
wrong, I am by far not a >prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want
to put those desires in >my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I
know everyone has a right >to their own ways in their home, but my family thought
I should slow down the >friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is
a very good kid and I do >like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad
parents at all, they just >have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have
never seen them even >buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need
reassurance that I am making a >good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics
and recovering alcoholics >in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a
necessary thing to have to >"wind down". Maybe someone can give me their
experience or input. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Michelle…mommy of 3
Response:
I am curious as to if I am doing the right thing. I thought I was, but some of my family questions my choice. My sons best friend invites him over quite often. They have been best friends for about 2 years. He as well, stays at our house too. The problem is that my husband and I do not drink around or in front of our children. We aren’t drinkers in the first place, but we don’t allow adults over who would bring alcohol either if our kids are here. If we have a drink, which is rare, we are out at a restaurant by ourselves. The main reason is that alcoholism runs pretty rampid on my side of the family as well as my husbands. We’ve both seen what it does to families and personally, I did enough drinking when I was younger…don’t really hve a desire anymore. My sons parents do drink though. The mom of this boy did tell me that she had a beer or two in the evenings. She let me know she didn’t get drunk, but did wind down to that. She let me know this before my son spent his first night there. Since then, I have let him stay several times. He always has a good time, but when I question him about the beer casually, he says she only has two. I was fine with that. I had told her never to drive with him after she had the first drink. Lately he has been going over to this boys house after school on Wednesdays. I always pick him up because it is in the evenings and I know she will have had a beer. When I went to pick him up though, she actually was drinking a beer in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am by far not a prude. I was very wild growing up, but I do not want to put those desires in my kids heads as being okay. Am I over reacting? I know everyone has a right to their own ways in their home, but my family thought I should slow down the friendship. These boys are very close. His friend is a very good kid and I do like his parents. I don’t think the parents are bad parents at all, they just have a different lifestyle. I see them often and have never seen them even buzzing. They treat my son great. I just need reassurance that I am making a good choice. Considering we have a lot of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics in the family, I don’t want my son to think it is a necessary thing to have to "wind down". Maybe someone can give me their experience or input. Michelle…mommy of 3
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