Pure Parents

Question:

>Dorothy brainstormed this idea: > perhaps some snappy comebacks of his own would help? >Try brainstorming with him about things he can say when people tease him >and let him role play and practice with you so that he gains confidence in >his>own powers of repartee.

I think this is among the best of your replies here.  To let him change his name because other kids do not like it (I am no stranger to being teased, I was a ORANGE carrot-top in my younger days, and I was teased mercilessly by my peers up until jr high school) IMHO might be giving him the wrong message. Help him to find ways to be comfortable with who he is, not change things about himself to please other people.  I can see a dizzying cycle starting with a little problem of being teased.  NOW, even as an adult, I have giggled at some of the names I have heard along the way … one of the local proctologists’ name is Dr. Butz. Can’t help but wonder how he chose his profession.   I think helping him to come up with the snappy comebacks is a good idea.  Might should give it a try before you do anything so drastic, anyway. Krystal If evolution really works, then why do mothers have only two arms?       Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.

Response:

Let him know that thats the way the world is.  My name is Art and I was teased for as long as I can remember.  You might find some books that show kids ignoring those that tease.  (The Harry Potter books are good, also Madame L’Ingle’s).  I just learned to be proud of my name, my wife and I gave it to my son, I’m sure he will have problems too. If they dont tease you about your name they will tease you about something else.  If you give in you give them power over you, so dont give in, just smile it makes them wonder what you are thinking. Good Luck, Art stay at home dad for Arthur (5mo and counting). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am not sure that legally changing his name will make much of a difference, > but if his dad is willing to allow it, than perhaps it will help your son > feel that he > is solving this problem a bit on his own. > It sounds to me though as if he needs some techniques to help him cope with > the teasing – perhaps some snappy comebacks of his own would help? > Try brainstorming with him about things he can say when people tease him > and let him role play and practice with you so that he gains confidence in > his > own powers of repartee. > Dorothy >question for the group. >my kids have their father’s last name.  it is a name that is very easy to > make >fun of.  today my son confided in me that he has been teased about it since > he >was very small and is really getting tired of it.  i didn’t know it was > that >much of an issue. at this point, he is very frustrated and has asked if he >could change his name to my last name, which is more generic.  i have told > him >that all the kids already know him by the other name anyway, so it probably >wouldn’t do any good anyway as they already tease him.  we did tell him > about >how there are just awful people out there that like to tease just for the > joy >of teasing and getting a reaction. of course as adults, we know that, but > to a >12 year old boy who is getting teased it means nothing at all. >what type of answers would you other parents give?  i don’t even know if it > is >legal for him to change his last name. he goes by his dad’s name. >a concerned mom who doesn’t know what to do…. >:o/ >~Jilmari~ >If we teach our children not to hate, >maybe we will get there someday. >What are your children learning from you today?

Response:

question for the group. my kids have their father’s last name.  it is a name that is very easy to make fun of.  today my son confided in me that he has been teased about it since he was very small and is really getting tired of it.  i didn’t know it was that much of an issue. at this point, he is very frustrated and has asked if he could change his name to my last name, which is more generic.  i have told him that all the kids already know him by the other name anyway, so it probably wouldn’t do any good anyway as they already tease him.  we did tell him about how there are just awful people out there that like to tease just for the joy of teasing and getting a reaction. of course as adults, we know that, but to a 12 year old boy who is getting teased it means nothing at all. what type of answers would you other parents give?  i don’t even know if it is legal for him to change his last name. he goes by his dad’s name. a concerned mom who doesn’t know what to do…. / ~Jilmari~ If we teach our children not to hate, maybe we will get there someday. What are your children learning from you today?

Response:

Here’s a thought–to avoid the possibility of conflict between you and the father, why not let him change his name to something that is similar to his current last name, but more mainstream?  (I have a cousin married to a guy whose last name is "Butt."  He could, for example, have changed his name to "Booth" under my suggestion.)

Response:

If you already have a family with two last names, it seems fair for your son to ask this question.  I would suggest both parents and son talk out the issues and consider the implications.   In the couple cases I have heard directly about, the teachers and school administrators were willing to let a kid use any reasonable name except in the official school records.  That might allow a time to "try out" the new name for a while and see if your son still wants the change after a time (say 6 months).  You will have to pre-check with the school to make sure they know this is a parent supported name change. For the legal aspects — you and your husband can get a lawyer to file a name change in local court and it should be no major hassle.  We adopted and included name changes as part of the adoption filing.  We also have mom and dad using different last names and have allowed this discusssion.  Don’t forget Social Security, they kept telling the IRS our kids were not real at tax time, making delays and extra phone calls necessary. Good Luck – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >my kids have their father’s last name.  it is a name that is very easy to make >fun of.  today my son … asked if he >could change his name to my last name, which is more generic.  

Response:

I am not sure that legally changing his name will make much of a difference, but if his dad is willing to allow it, than perhaps it will help your son feel that he is solving this problem a bit on his own. It sounds to me though as if he needs some techniques to help him cope with the teasing – perhaps some snappy comebacks of his own would help? Try brainstorming with him about things he can say when people tease him and let him role play and practice with you so that he gains confidence in his own powers of repartee. Dorothy

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->question for the group. >my kids have their father’s last name.  it is a name that is very easy to make >fun of.  today my son confided in me that he has been teased about it since he >was very small and is really getting tired of it.  i didn’t know it was that >much of an issue. at this point, he is very frustrated and has asked if he >could change his name to my last name, which is more generic.  i have told him >that all the kids already know him by the other name anyway, so it probably >wouldn’t do any good anyway as they already tease him.  we did tell him about >how there are just awful people out there that like to tease just for the joy >of teasing and getting a reaction. of course as adults, we know that, but to a >12 year old boy who is getting teased it means nothing at all. >what type of answers would you other parents give?  i don’t even know if it is >legal for him to change his last name. he goes by his dad’s name. >a concerned mom who doesn’t know what to do…. >:o/ >~Jilmari~ >If we teach our children not to hate, >maybe we will get there someday. >What are your children learning from you today?

Response:

Ask his father if you can change it. My stepson came to us with a simular problem. My husband has a long hard to correctly pronounce German last name. My stepson is highly sensitive and easily tempered. He’d get really pissed off and sometimes violent when someone mispronounced it. So when he asked if he could change it we obliged after making sure that that was the reason and it wasn’t disownership of this side of the family. BTW if his father doesn’t agree (I’m hoping he’ll be understanding, he was probably picked on at one point about it too), still do it, just not legally. Karla

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