Question:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello, Everyone! > I am desperate, and I > hope someone can help me. > At this very moment, I am ready to explode. I have just had yet another > round with my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I don’t know that it’s over yet. I am > so tired of being mimicked and sassed and disobeyed. > –Cindy > Dear Cindy, > I know how you feel! My 5 1/2 yo behaves the same way. After 4 years > of worrying about his behaviour, I have come to the following > conclusions:- > 1. It DOESN’T mean he’s going to become a delinquent. ( this was > previously my greatest fear ) > 2. His "never say die" attitude will probably be a bonus to him in his > adult life’ > 3. Keep on plugging the values and morals you are trying to instill in > him. Even if he defies you constantly, the message will be sinking in > and hopefully in a few years when he developes some self control you > will be rewarded. > 4. Accept that he has a different personality to you, and possibly > everyone else in the family ( as is the case in our family ), so > communication may always be a bit more difficult. ie. it may be more > difficult for you to relate to his personality type. > 5. He’s too young to know about empathy. Even if he can see you are > "frazzled", he doesn’t REALLY know what you’re going through or how to > respond with EMPATHY. > 6. Try to get enough "time out" for YOURSELF. These kids are too much > for one person to deal with all the time. I say… It takes a village > to raise my son! 
> 7. Don’t feel bad because he behaves better for other people. You are > probably more strict about his behaviour than other people are because > you feel responsible for making sure he grows up to be a decent human > being. Therefore you are more emotionally involved, so your son has a > lot more buttons he can push to get you fired up. > 8. Don’t hide the fact that you are angry or upset ( who wouldn’t > be!). If you try to hide your real feelings you’ll go nuts! However, > don’t allow yourself to become hysterical or you son will will feel > inwardly afraid because contrary to how it appears, he still thinks of > you as the "omnipotent" one and he still loves you! > I hope this is of some help to you Cindy, although I sometimes think > that just "getting it off our chest" is the biggest help off all! > Best wishes to all struggling parents out there! > Carol
"Carol’s" advice was very sound. My first was a real challenge & was his worst around age 3. He is one to "never give up or give in". We could go round & round for hours. Sometimes an entire day! I tried not to let him get away with anything & used time-outs alot. The problem was that he refused to stay in time-out. I was forced to bodily hold him down just to get him to stay in time out for 1 minute! I read about the Feingold Diet when he was 5. We figured it "couldn’t hurt". Well, it was well worth the effort & I wish we had heard of it sooner. Soon after removing the prescribed foods from his diet, he was much calmer & easier to control. He is still the same determined & unstoppable child who will someday make a great leader. The diet just makes him more pleasant & socially acceptable. He himself even dislikes how he felt before the diet. You can find Feingold’s books at the library. We also discovered accidently that after being on the diet for over a year, he could eat small amounts of the foods without problem. This diet will not help everyone, of course, but it is worth a try. If it works, your life will be easier. I know how frustrating a difficult child can be. The diet: STAGE I: eliminate all: artificial colors artificial flavors antioxidant preservatives BHA,BHT, and TBHQ foods containing natural salicylates aspirin (salicylic acid) other medications containing salicylates Foods containing natural salicylate radical include: almonds apples (including cider & cider vinegar) apricots berries (all except blueberries) cherries cloves coffee cucumbers (including pickles) grapes (raisins, wine vinegar) nectarines oil of wintergreen oranges peaches peppers (bell & chili) plums prunes tangerines tea (pekoe, not most herb teas) tomatoes STAGE II: After a favorable response to Stage I has been established (usually 4 – 6 weeks), foods containing salicylates may be reintroduced and tested one at a time. Some children can tolerate very few & others can tolerate almost all of them. Artificial colorings, flavors and the listed preservatives are NEVER reintroduced. Granted, this does seem like a very foreboding list. It was difficult to eliminate all these. Notice that there are not meat or dairy products on the list. We used pesto sauce on spaghetti to replace tomato sauces. Many margarine products contain artificial ingredients, so we used real butter. Butter is often colored, however. Choose those colored with natural colorings like carageenan or carotene. Most tropical fruits are not on the list: bananas, pineapple, papaya, mango, etc. Hope this helps.
Response:
When my five year old seems to be ignoring me, I’ll ask him, "Are you disobeying or not listening?" as if it’s a multiple choice test, not an accusation. That seems to make him realize that I don’t plan to keep asking him over and over to do what he’s supposed to.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello, Everyone! > I am desperate, and I > hope someone can help me. > At this very moment, I am ready to explode. I have just had yet another > round with my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I don’t know that it’s over yet. I am > so tired of being mimicked and sassed and disobeyed. > –Cindy
Cindy, My daughter is 4 1/2 also. They all go through it and consistancy is the answer. There are time when it feels like complete insanity, but as long as you stand your ground, they will eventually realize they are waisting their time and let off for a little while. They are testing the parents and if the parents prove to the child they can get away with it, the child will continue. I can not suggest dicipline actions, that is a debate we could address for years, but try all the options. Take away special toys, movies etc. When I am in public, we take a trip to the bathroom and a good swat on the butt, or we just leave which she usually doesn’t like. She is acting up to get attention from others, if you remove that they will learn. Children like to go out, it is fun and if the next time they want to go somewhere you explain "No, I can’t take you there because you act badly" and stick to it, the next time they will think twice. On the other hand, make sure you let them know when they have been good in public and tell them you would love to take them somewhere again. Grocery Stores are usually treated with a pack of sugarless gum at the register if the trip has been successful. If any fits are forseen, she is reminded that she will not get the gum, and if it continues, she doesn’t regardless of how loud she screams. Not all attempts at dicipline work, in fact most don’t. But, you have to try to find their buttons just as they are trying to find yours with their behavior. Consistency, consistency, consistency… Be patient and try to remember what you were thinking when you did the same thing at that age. Good luck! Tricia
Response:
>When I try to tell >him something, he often responds with "Blah, blah, blah, yackety >shmackety" (an imitation of the Tazmanian Devil’s father).
This is appropriately corrected by: "If you’re going to imitate Tazmanian Devil’s father, you obviously aren’t old enough to watch shows where good and naughty behavior is demonstrated. No Tazmanian Devil for one month." – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity.
Response:
>When I call to him, he won’t answer me until >I threaten him (his hearing has been tested and it’s fine).
If you only follow through after several warnings, you are training him to ignore your early requests. Have a chat explaining that you need to change this course. Then start doling out lost privileges for first offenses. – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity.
Response:
> Hello, Everyone! > I am desperate, and I > hope someone can help me. > At this very moment, I am ready to explode. I have just had yet another > round with my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I don’t know that it’s over yet. I am > so tired of being mimicked and sassed and disobeyed. > –Cindy
Dear Cindy, I know how you feel! My 5 1/2 yo behaves the same way. After 4 years of worrying about his behaviour, I have come to the following conclusions:- 1. It DOESN’T mean he’s going to become a delinquent. ( this was previously my greatest fear ) 2. His "never say die" attitude will probably be a bonus to him in his adult life’ 3. Keep on plugging the values and morals you are trying to instill in him. Even if he defies you constantly, the message will be sinking in and hopefully in a few years when he developes some self control you will be rewarded. 4. Accept that he has a different personality to you, and possibly everyone else in the family ( as is the case in our family ), so communication may always be a bit more difficult. ie. it may be more difficult for you to relate to his personality type. 5. He’s too young to know about empathy. Even if he can see you are "frazzled", he doesn’t REALLY know what you’re going through or how to respond with EMPATHY. 6. Try to get enough "time out" for YOURSELF. These kids are too much for one person to deal with all the time. I say… It takes a village to raise my son! 7. Don’t feel bad because he behaves better for other people. You are probably more strict about his behaviour than other people are because you feel responsible for making sure he grows up to be a decent human being. Therefore you are more emotionally involved, so your son has a lot more buttons he can push to get you fired up. 8. Don’t hide the fact that you are angry or upset ( who wouldn’t be!). If you try to hide your real feelings you’ll go nuts! However, don’t allow yourself to become hysterical or you son will will feel inwardly afraid because contrary to how it appears, he still thinks of you as the "omnipotent" one and he still loves you! I hope this is of some help to you Cindy, although I sometimes think that just "getting it off our chest" is the biggest help off all! Best wishes to all struggling parents out there! Carol
Response:
I have found that constitutional homeopathy really helps my child when he is "off" behavior-wise. I would seek out a naturopath that practices constitutional homeopathy. Usually, the doctor will spend an hour with you and your child, asking you questions about things like his sleeping habits, eating habits, bowel movements, fears, etc, and observing your child’s behavior. Then, (s)he will match a remedy to his personality type. The remedies are all natural extracts from plants, minerals, etc. You can get a referral to a naturopath in your area by contacting: American Association of Naturopathic Physicians (206) 323-7610
Response:
Dear Cindy, Boy, do I sympathize with you. We also have quite a few problems like that around our house, but things have gotten much better since I read a book about making a child take responsibility for their own actions. We discuss, in advance, what the child is choosing to to occur when they choose to behave in a certain way. For instance…if you say blah blah, yackety…YOU ARE CHOOSING to give up TV for this many days (If he is learning this behavior from TV). If you choose to be disrespectful of me, you choose to go to your room for 1/2 hour, and don’t come out until you can apologise. If you choose to not stay near me in the store, you are choosing to….not go to the park/McDonalds/Hardees (whatever he likes) as you don’t know how to stay near me. The book tried to impress making the consequence fit the action, but I’ve found that difficult at times…I just do the best I can. I was astounded how quickly this helped curb my son from yelling "shut up", and crying when he doesn’t get his way. I hung a big sign on the refrigerator about what he chooses to do when he acts this way, and it truthfully got better in one day (but he is 7, so a younger child might need more reinforcement) The hardest part is sticking to your decision, as sometimes the consequence is just as hard on me as him. I wish you luck! Shelly – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello, Everyone! > This is the first time I have ever posted to this group. Actually, this > is the first time I have ever read this group. I am desperate, and I > hope someone can help me. > At this very moment, I am ready to explode. I have just had yet another > round with my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I don’t know that it’s over yet. I am > so tired of being mimicked and sassed and disobeyed. When I try to tell > him something, he often responds with "Blah, blah, blah, yackety > shmackety" (an imitation of the Tazmanian Devil’s father). He disobeys > me almost all of the time. When I call to him, he won’t answer me until > I threaten him (his hearing has been tested and it’s fine). He repeats > what I say in a mocking way (on a regular basis). Am I doing something > wrong?
Response:
Cindy, My heart goes out to you! My daughter’s only a year and a half, so I haven’t gotten to that age yet, so any advice I give is purely suggestions on what I think I might do. Have you just tried ignoring him completely when he does this? Have you asked him why he does that? And if so, what does he say? Have you talked to your pediatrician about this and has he/she offered any suggestions in regards to talking to another specialist about the behavior? I’m sorry, I wish I could offer meaningful advice, but like I said, I haven’t experienced it myself, so I’m just offering suggestions. Let us know how things go! Tina
Response:
> At this very moment, I am ready to explode. I have just had yet another > round with my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I don’t know that it’s over yet. I am > so tired of being mimicked and sassed and disobeyed. When I try to tell > him something, he often responds with "Blah, blah, blah, yackety > shmackety" (an imitation of the Tazmanian Devil’s father). He disobeys > me almost all of the time. When I call to him, he won’t answer me until > I threaten him (his hearing has been tested and it’s fine). He repeats > what I say in a mocking way (on a regular basis).
My heart goes out to you. It must be really heartwrenching to have been stuck in this battle for so long. But it doesn’t sound to me like you need expensive professional intervention. My personal guess is that you can solve this problem, and see SOME improvement very quickly. What I would suggest is a VERY comprehensive behavior modification plan. See if you can find some parenting books in the library with some explanations of how to use "behavior modification". The basic principle is this: Give LOTS of rewards including praise, hugs, treats, favored activities, etc., but ONLY when the child is behaving appropriately. In the beginning, you may have to work REALLY hard to catch your son doing something right, but it is very important that you do. Right now, it sounds like your son has learned to seek negative attention from you, and that he is succeeding so well that he almost never gets any positive attention. In the eyes of a child, any attention from a parent is good, so he seeks the only kind he knows how to get. You have to break the cycle by showing him that he CAN get positive attention from you. Once he sees that the good stuff really is attainable, he WILL prefer it. However, the MINUTE that he behaves improperly, you must stop giving him your attention and all those other good things. If he speaks rudely to you, you might try simply turning your back and walking out of the room. Also, remove whatever priveleges that you have control over. You may get a pretty surprised and frustrated response from him about this, but your goal should be to ignore him COMPLETELY, when he is rude. You should be very matter-of-fact about this. Try not to get mad. You can explain it once, briefly, by saying "I don’t play with children who talk to me like that.", or something similar, but don’t discuss it. If you MUST intervene to stop a behavior, like something dangerous, do it with a minimum of attention. For example, pick him up and move him to another room, but don’t make eye contact, and don’t talk about it. But the MOST important thing is to give lots of rewards for positive behavior. See if you can catch him in the morning before he’s had a chance to do anything bad, and give him an extra hug. After each misbehavior, withdraw all the priveleges for a short time and then look for the first opportunity to reward something good. You can also plan special treats with him. Tell him that if he can talk politely for an hour, you will take him to the park. (You need to decide for yourself if an hour is a reachable goal. Start with something that he has a reasonable chance of succeeding at and work your way up as success becomes more common.) If he doesn’t reach the goal, try to be matter-of-fact about it. Try saying, "I don’t take children to the park who talk rudely", with no further discussion. Act like the rule is a law of nature, and there’s just nothing that you can do about it. If you try this, I am very confident that you will start to see some change within a few days. Four-year-olds are very flexible and they can adapt to change very quickly. It will take a while to get him completely straightened out, but you should both start feeling a lot better pretty quick. Let me try to summarize: 1)Give generous and frequent rewards for all appropriate behavior. 2) Your attention is a REWARD. 3)Set reachable goals and reward their attainment. 4) Remove all rewards for improper behavior. (Since you are new here, I’ll add a little disclaimer: My advice may be completely worthless. Any other advice that you get, here, may be completely worthless. Do what seems right for yourself and your child.) Good luck! Donna Kinney
Response:
Hello, Everyone! This is the first time I have ever posted to this group. Actually, this is the first time I have ever read this group. I am desperate, and I hope someone can help me. At this very moment, I am ready to explode. I have just had yet another round with my 4 1/2 yr. old, and I don’t know that it’s over yet. I am so tired of being mimicked and sassed and disobeyed. When I try to tell him something, he often responds with "Blah, blah, blah, yackety shmackety" (an imitation of the Tazmanian Devil’s father). He disobeys me almost all of the time. When I call to him, he won’t answer me until I threaten him (his hearing has been tested and it’s fine). He repeats what I say in a mocking way (on a regular basis). Am I doing something wrong? My husband and I have been relatively strict parents; we certainly have never allowed our son to disrespect us. We have tried everything we can think of: In the beginning, we tried to reason with our child. That didn’t work. We went to time-outs, removal of privileges, spankings (as a last resort). Nothing worked. Mostly I just scream. Sometimes I get so frustrated and scream so loud at my son that my stomach hurts afterward. If someone were to scream at me the way I scream at him, I would be terrified, but his response is to laugh in my face. There have been times that I was so angry that I was shaking and crying. I have tried descending to his level (by mimicking him back) which he finds very annoying, but yet the behavior continues. I get absolutely no cooperation at all. Every morning, by the time I get him off to nursery school, my stomach is already in knots. I can’t get him to eat lunch, get ready to go somewhere, take a nap, go to bed, do anything, without a screaming match. When we go to a store, he’s constantly running away from me and grabbing things, etc. If I reprimand him (and believe me, I exercise every ounce of self-control in public), there’s always some busybody telling me "Oh relax, he’s just a little boy." Last year, (when he was 3 1/2 years old), we went to a child psychologist. The problem at that time was that my son had taken to calling me "stupid" and "idiot" every five minutes. (For the record, my husband and I have never engaged in namecalling directed at either our son or each other) The psychologist’s response was that he couldn’t psychoanalyze such a small child, but that he could offer emotional support to me and my husband in the meantime (At $65/hour, we politely declined.) Eventually, the namecalling phase resolved on its own. Right now, I have just finished taking his comfort animal away from him. That apparently got him a little upset for a few minutes, but then he started laughing at me again. Apparently, he’s fine in school. But at home, he’s out of control. Is this a normal phase? Does anyone have any suggestions? –Cindy
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