Pure Parents

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I need to know if I am being unreasonable … >My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year >(without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was only >7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very >well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed age >class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will attend >three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). >To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer camp >at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more kids, >mixed ages. >Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite and >kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they haven’t >yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that.  Yet >from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly >when he comes home.  For example: >a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them anyway >(before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would >have said thanks and gone off). > It is poosible that this is simply a notmal testing phase or that > there is something going on at school..  How do you handle it when > this happens at home?

This kind of thing sprung into being the very day summer school started … but yes, a coincidence is possible.  At home, I get his attention — like kneel right in front of him holding his shoulders or hands and look him in the eye — and stare at him sternly and say "we don’t push, it’s not nice". OK, sometimes (not very helpfully I imagine) I say "I don’t care if the kids at school push.  It’s not nice and in this house *we* don’t push".  Then I suggest he apologise, which is not something he does easily.  And then I drop it. >b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get me >wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my stuff >and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying "It’s >my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s mine. >Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone. > This sounds like imitation of older children and probably from the > school..   But if so, while you can look at how the school handles > these incidents, it is once again more important how you handle it > when it happens at home.. So what do you do when this happens now?

Basically the same as for the pushing.  But I usually say "we talk nicely" or "we use nice voices", not "we don’t push".  ;-)  I see what you mean about the home environment … but if he’s in school 3 days a week next year ???? >It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to himself. >Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next school >year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am considering >asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and >taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ >behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff >stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this? > Hopefully, the school is not going to *stomp* even nicely on the > people who are doing this, since that is not what is needed.

Sorry — just speaking loosely, Dorothy.  I consider what I do with Elliot now to be "stomping nicely", if that helps clarify any. > I would check into what kind of supervision the kids have and what > interventions are made when kids have a conflict.

I’ll ask since you don’t seem to think I’m being totally unreasonable. The best way for > schools to handle this is to acknowledge both children’s feelings > and to give them the words to deal with conflict more productively > if they are too young to have the words already.   Kids can learn to > work out conflicts peacefully, but adults have to help them a bit > when they are young.. > If the teachers are receptive to new ways of doing things and are > not already award of the techniques, you might buy them a copy > of How to Talk So Kids Will Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. > It has practical interventions for the classroom though for > elementary school age children primarily.  The examples are still > good ones that can be used with younger kids also.’

I know the book.  Will take a look and talk to the school. >Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much? > It is most certainly part of their job.. But summer camps are > generally a bit looser than the classrooms during the year and > often they are staffed by college students or older high school > kids under the supervision of a single teacher instead of by > a teacher and an aide as might be the case during the school > year.  I can’t know that this is the case for your program, but it > could be that this is part of the problem and that the school year > class will have less problems if this is true.

On further reflection, I think the teacher:child ratio *is* higher in the summer camp because the teachers seem only to do a half day and only one of the two aides seems to be there at any one time, too.  So I guess inevitably they supervise less closely, but basically it’s the same staff, who are all supposed to be highly qualified …  So maybe things *will* be better in the Fall when the class size drops … what’s a good adult:child ratio for this age (4)? –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Dorothy > There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown

Response:

Janet, Unfortunately, when children are exposed to other children in any school system they will pick up both good and bad habits.  It is difficult for the teachers to correct bad behavior because they are limited to what they can do as far as punishment.  Usually the extent of punishment allowed (by law) is timeout for the same minutes of their age (2 years old equals 2 minutes for time out).  Most children don’t find this much of a punishment.  It is primarily up to the parents of the child who is misbehaving to correct the problem.  So this means that it is the teachers responsibility to keep communication flowing with the parents in regards to the attitudes and behaviors of the children they are watching.  Teachers are suppose to be partners with the parents, not the disciplinarians of the children. Janet, you are not being unreasonable in being upset about the bad habits your child is picking up.  However, your expectations are a little wrong. The teacher should always control the room, but she cannot fix the behaviors of the children without the help of the parents.  The teacher can only go off what the parent instills.  My advice to you would  be to ask the teacher if she has brought the problem up with the appropriate child’s parents.  And if she or he hasn’t, she very well should, as this is the teachers responsibility. Amber

> Thank you, Steve.  :-) > –Janet > Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I need to know if I am being unreasonable … > > My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year > > (without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was > only > > 7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very > > well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed > age > > class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will > attend > > three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). > > To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer > camp > > at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more > kids, > > mixed ages. > > Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite > and > > kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they > haven’t > > yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that. > Yet > > from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly > > when he comes home.  For example: > > a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them > anyway > > (before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would > > have said thanks and gone off). > > b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get > me > > wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my > stuff > > and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying > "It’s > > my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s > mine. > > Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone. > > It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to > himself. > > Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next > school > > year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am > considering > > asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and > > taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ > > behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff > > stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this? > > Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much? > > –Janet > This IS what happens when good kids are finally exposed to bad people, > they feel frustrated that others aren’t as nice as they are, and they > stomp around about it quite disappointed for a time. I do a bit of that > around here to this day!! > You should talk to him about that fact of life and tell him he’s > different because he was raised to be nice, and that he will always FEEL > nice inside, and he will always LIKE being nice, even if other people he > meets are not nice and not happy because of it. > And tell him he may wish he wasn’t nice so he could pay those people > back for being nasty, but that he’ll always remember how to be nice and > he will remember feeling nice inside, so even if he does get mad he > won’t stay mad deep inside. And tell him that that feeling is what’s > really important, and what is special about him! > Steve

Response:

>OMG, I find myself agreeing with Toto AND Steve!! Now there’s a first. >Steve brought up great points about teaching your son to handle the external >frustrations of "not nice" folks and I think Toto has suggestions for >speaking with the school that are very valid as well.  As little two pronged >approach if you will.  We all encounter nasty folks, so finding ways to deal >with them are always good, but in such little people, the grown-ups in his >life bear some responsiblity to offer him a bit safer world while he learns >to make his way. ~L

Well, Steve’s parenting advice often has much to reccommend it if you can get through the attitude, imho. And of course, we should use all the prongs we can when we are speaking of these things..  <g> Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown

Response:

Thank you, Steve.  :-) –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I need to know if I am being unreasonable … > My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year > (without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was only > 7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very > well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed age > class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will attend > three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). > To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer camp > at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more kids, > mixed ages. > Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite and > kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they haven’t > yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that. Yet > from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly > when he comes home.  For example: > a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them anyway > (before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would > have said thanks and gone off). > b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get me > wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my stuff > and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying "It’s > my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s mine. > Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone. > It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to himself. > Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next school > year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am considering > asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and > taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ > behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff > stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this? > Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much? > –Janet > This IS what happens when good kids are finally exposed to bad people, > they feel frustrated that others aren’t as nice as they are, and they > stomp around about it quite disappointed for a time. I do a bit of that > around here to this day!! > You should talk to him about that fact of life and tell him he’s > different because he was raised to be nice, and that he will always FEEL > nice inside, and he will always LIKE being nice, even if other people he > meets are not nice and not happy because of it. > And tell him he may wish he wasn’t nice so he could pay those people > back for being nasty, but that he’ll always remember how to be nice and > he will remember feeling nice inside, so even if he does get mad he > won’t stay mad deep inside. And tell him that that feeling is what’s > really important, and what is special about him! > Steve

Response:

OMG, I find myself agreeing with Toto AND Steve!! Now there’s a first. Steve brought up great points about teaching your son to handle the external frustrations of "not nice" folks and I think Toto has suggestions for speaking with the school that are very valid as well.  As little two pronged approach if you will.  We all encounter nasty folks, so finding ways to deal with them are always good, but in such little people, the grown-ups in his life bear some responsiblity to offer him a bit safer world while he learns to make his way. ~L

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >I need to know if I am being unreasonable … > >My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year > >(without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was >only > >7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very > >well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed >age > >class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will >attend > >three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). > >To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer >camp > >at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more >kids, > >mixed ages. > >Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite >and > >kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they >haven’t > >yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that.  Yet > >from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly > >when he comes home.  For example: > >a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them >anyway > >(before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would > >have said thanks and gone off). > It is poosible that this is simply a notmal testing phase or that > there is something going on at school..  How do you handle it when > this happens at home? >This kind of thing sprung into being the very day summer school started … >but yes, a coincidence is possible.  At home, I get his attention — like >kneel right in front of him holding his shoulders or hands and look him in >the eye — and stare at him sternly and say "we don’t push, it’s not nice". >OK, sometimes (not very helpfully I imagine) I say "I don’t care if the kids >at school push.  It’s not nice and in this house *we* don’t push".  Then I >suggest he apologise, which is not something he does easily.  And then I >drop it.

This seems like the right attitude to have.  I suspect that is why he gets back into the swing of things after a few days at home..   Getting his attention is good.    One possible change to this. Instead of saying *we don’t push,* try to give him some real alternative to try.  Say *you can use words to ask,* perhaps. Also acknowledge his anger and frustration first.  "You really wanted that toy, but xxxxx wouldn’t give it to you..  I bet that made you feel mad."  (I know this is not a natural way of speaking, it takes lots of practice, but it does work).   You might also enlist his cooperation at a time when things are going well.   Get some problem solving going.. What can we do when someone takes a toy away?  And write down everything no matter how inane or bad a suggestion you think it is.. Then go through the list, eliminating things like – hit him by indicating that you can’t let anyone hurt someone else, and see if some suggestion he made can’t be used.  You can remind him of it in a single word once the plan of action is accepted by both of you..  For example – *words*  might be all that is needed if he decides for himself that he knows what words to use. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get >me > >wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my stuff > >and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying >"It’s > >my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s >mine. > >Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone. > This sounds like imitation of older children and probably from the > school..   But if so, while you can look at how the school handles > these incidents, it is once again more important how you handle it > when it happens at home.. So what do you do when this happens now? >Basically the same as for the pushing.  But I usually say "we talk nicely" >or "we use nice voices", not "we don’t push".  ;-)  I see what you mean >about the home environment … but if he’s in school 3 days a week next year >????

The number of days is not really what is important here..  And unless you intend to shelter him from others who are not taught the same values, what is needed is a way to guide him to use his own values in preference to those the other children use..  Not easy and something that takes a long time to develop and that will be slipped up on from time to time no matter what you do..  The important thing is that learning this early is much less likely to involve major mistakes – like following his peers in high school.  It is hard to stand up to the crowd as a teen, but if a child learns early to trust his own feelings, it is easier for him later on, imho. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to >himself. > >Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next >school > >year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am >considering > >asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and > >taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ > >behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff > >stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this? > Hopefully, the school is not going to *stomp* even nicely on the > people who are doing this, since that is not what is needed. >Sorry — just speaking loosely, Dorothy.  I consider what I do with Elliot >now to be "stomping nicely", if that helps clarify any. Understood… > I would check into what kind of supervision the kids have and what > interventions are made when kids have a conflict. >I’ll ask since you don’t seem to think I’m being totally unreasonable.

No, I think it is a good thing for parents to ask and find out about this kind of thing.. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->The best way for > schools to handle this is to acknowledge both children’s feelings > and to give them the words to deal with conflict more productively > if they are too young to have the words already.   Kids can learn to > work out conflicts peacefully, but adults have to help them a bit > when they are young.. > If the teachers are receptive to new ways of doing things and are > not already award of the techniques, you might buy them a copy > of How to Talk So Kids Will Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. > It has practical interventions for the classroom though for > elementary school age children primarily.  The examples are still > good ones that can be used with younger kids also.’ >I know the book.  Will take a look and talk to the school.

I just finished reading it and the parenting book is good, but this one adapts the techniques to classrooms and I like it a lot. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much? > It is most certainly part of their job.. But summer camps are > generally a bit looser than the classrooms during the year and > often they are staffed by college students or older high school > kids under the supervision of a single teacher instead of by > a teacher and an aide as might be the case during the school > year.  I can’t know that this is the case for your program, but it > could be that this is part of the problem and that the school year > class will have less problems if this is true. >On further reflection, I think the teacher:child ratio *is* higher in the >summer camp because the teachers seem only to do a half day and only one of >the two aides seems to be there at any one time, too.  So I guess inevitably >they supervise less closely, but basically it’s the same staff, who are all >supposed to be highly qualified …  So maybe things *will* be better in the >Fall when the class size drops … what’s a good adult:child ratio for this >age (4)?

Well, our ratio in my NAEYC accredited center is basically 3 teachers to 20 children and works well for us.  We have two lead teachers and one aid in our classroom.. The state requires only 2 teachers in a classroom of 20 4 year olds, however.  That can work depending on the way the classroom is set up and what mix of kids you get, but it can also be very hard if you have children with real problems.  With three of us, if one child is having difficulty we always have one teacher who can deal with that one-on-one if it is needed. >–Janet >Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I need to know if I am being unreasonable … > My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year > (without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was only > 7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very > well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed age > class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will attend > three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). > To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer camp > at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more kids, > mixed ages. > Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite and > kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they haven’t > yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that.  Yet > from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly > when he comes home.  For example: > a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them anyway > (before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would > have said thanks and gone off). > b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get me > wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my stuff > and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying "It’s > my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s mine. > Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone. > It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to himself. > Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next school > year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am considering > asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and > taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ > behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff > stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this? > Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much? > –Janet

This IS what happens when good kids are finally exposed to bad people, they feel frustrated that others aren’t as nice as they are, and they stomp around about it quite disappointed for a time. I do a bit of that around here to this day!! You should talk to him about that fact of life and tell him he’s different because he was raised to be nice, and that he will always FEEL nice inside, and he will always LIKE being nice, even if other people he meets are not nice and not happy because of it. And tell him he may wish he wasn’t nice so he could pay those people back for being nasty, but that he’ll always remember how to be nice and he will remember feeling nice inside, so even if he does get mad he won’t stay mad deep inside. And tell him that that feeling is what’s really important, and what is special about him! Steve

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I need to know if I am being unreasonable … >My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year >(without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was only >7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very >well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed age >class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will attend >three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). >To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer camp >at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more kids, >mixed ages. >Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite and >kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they haven’t >yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that.  Yet >from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly >when he comes home.  For example: >a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them anyway >(before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would >have said thanks and gone off).

It is poosible that this is simply a notmal testing phase or that there is something going on at school..  How do you handle it when this happens at home? >b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get me >wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my stuff >and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying "It’s >my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s mine. >Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone.

This sounds like imitation of older children and probably from the school..   But if so, while you can look at how the school handles these incidents, it is once again more important how you handle it when it happens at home.. So what do you do when this happens now? >It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to himself. >Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next school >year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am considering >asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and >taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ >behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff >stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this?

Hopefully, the school is not going to *stomp* even nicely on the people who are doing this, since that is not what is needed.   I would check into what kind of supervision the kids have and what interventions are made when kids have a conflict.  The best way for schools to handle this is to acknowledge both children’s feelings and to give them the words to deal with conflict more productively if they are too young to have the words already.   Kids can learn to work out conflicts peacefully, but adults have to help them a bit when they are young.. If the teachers are receptive to new ways of doing things and are not already award of the techniques, you might buy them a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It has practical interventions for the classroom though for elementary school age children primarily.  The examples are still good ones that can be used with younger kids also.’ >Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much?

It is most certainly part of their job.. But summer camps are generally a bit looser than the classrooms during the year and often they are staffed by college students or older high school kids under the supervision of a single teacher instead of by a teacher and an aide as might be the case during the school year.  I can’t know that this is the case for your program, but it could be that this is part of the problem and that the school year class will have less problems if this is true. >–Janet >Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown

Response:

I need to know if I am being unreasonable … My kids have been attending a preschool 2 days a week, for the past year (without me).  They were by far the oldest in their class — which was only 7 kids, 3 of them mine, with 2 staff members — and everything went very well.  So I enrolled them again for this Fall.  It will be a more mixed age class and has, I believe, 15 kids with 2 staff members.  My kids will attend three days and they turn 4 in October (a young 4, but still …). To keep them in the routine, I enrolled them one day a week in summer camp at the school.  This followed roughly the format for next year — more kids, mixed ages. Now the problem:  upto now, my kids have been raised to be very polite and kind to each other and me — when they apologise to each other, they haven’t yet worked out that you can do it in a nasty way.  Things like that.  Yet from the very first day of summer school, Elliot has been behaving badly when he comes home.  For example: a)  If someone takes his toy and then gives it back, he pushes them anyway (before they might have tussled but once the toy was given back he would have said thanks and gone off). b)  He sometimes speaks with an unacceptable tone and words.  Don’t get me wrong — we are not talking swearing.  But if he is messing with my stuff and I ask him to put something down, he slams it and stalks off saying "It’s my <book, bowl, you-name-it ….>,  not yours.  It’s not yours.  It’s mine. Mine.  Mine." over and over in a nasty tone. It takes a couple of days, but by the weekend he is usually back to himself. Then the cycle repeats the following week.  So I am worried that next school year, this will be a bigger and harder-to-cure problem.  So I am considering asking the school to look into it — either is he a) being picked on and taking out his frustration when he gets home or b) observing other kids’ behavior and copying it?  And in either case, why isn’t the school staff stomping (nicely) on whoever is doing this? Isn’t that part of their job or am I expecting too much? –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

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