Question:
Hi Sara, My first child used to sleep with me in the beginning, and I became a very light sleeper because I was always afraid I was going to roll over her. I had nightmares as well, including the baby drowning, being scalded by me not monitoring the temperature in the bath, finding my baby in a tree one day just teetering on the edge, aaaallll kinds of wierd hocus pocus. If your a new parent, it’s typical of new parents from what I’ve heard. Try B-Complex with Vitamin C in it. It’s the anti-stress vitamin in my book. If you have someone harping on you about being a bad parent, that doesn’t help either. The more love you give your child, and the more fun times you have together, the better your relationship and family life will be. That is what counts. Yes, you have other duties as a parent, don’t get desperate about them if everything is going fine though. There isn’t only one "right way" to be a parent. But the good times are what you will be remembered for. Relax! Have fun! Don’t be anxious about it. A family is a wonderful thing to create – and it’s yours for the creating. Your child will be happy when you are. Best, Aye – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months > now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m > terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and > undamaged now. > I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I > can’t get rid of it. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that > she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough > music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that > I’m not making her laugh enough,etc… > We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t > feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself. > Anyone else going through anything similar? > XOXOXO > Sara
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> Who in the world would say that is wrong? And if they did, TOUGH SHIT. Sorry > for the dirty language. You are the mother. You are in charge. Do not let > any other insensitive SOBs tell you you are doing something wrong and > undermine your confidence. Preserving your own self is one of the kinder > things you can do for your child, in my opinion.
Thanks, I agree. 
xoxox Sara
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Thanks for your good advice and kinds words, Dorothy. xoxo Sara
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Thanks, Lee. Wow, we had a great day today. No sleep last night but DD was in a happy mood despite having the sniffles. She went mad with a little boy in a restuarant who was singing Sex Bomb (!) to her. She laughed and laughed. 9 months old and already a flirt. XOXOX Sara
Response:
>I’m pretty sure my insecurities stem from two places: >1) My parents were extremely critical of my as a child. >Nothing I did was ever good enough. >2) Since I don’t want to parent the way my parents parented >I’m basically starting from scratch. I’ve read loads of books >and some of them were very helpful, some just made things >worse.
i refuse to read parenting books the articles in magazines are bad enough… learn to trust your instincts. you probably have a pretty good idea of what your parents did "wrong" (i’m putting that in quotes because maybe they were following the fad parenting deal of thier day), so you know you don’t want to subject your daughter to that. you obviously know praise is a better motivator than criticism. >The whole "how much of your self should you sacrifice for >your child," issue is a real sore-point. Sleep deprevation >made me very depressed and sick for several months but I >didn’t want to sleep train DD. Of course I was tempted and >the temptation made me feel guilty. I never did it and now >she’s starting to sleep longer and fall asleep on her own as >opposed to on the breast. So, there’s one decision I’m happy >that I made.
oh, *don’t* beat yourself up over things that you feel/think while sleep-deprived. that’s so unfair to yourself. you’ll feel much better as she gets older & sleeps better. i missed how old your DD is. my son is almost 6 months. he doesn’t sleep through the night. he doesn’t sleep on his own & i can’t set him down for a nap. he sleeps on my lap. sometimes i get a little frustrated that i can’t work on things i would like to because i have a baby on my lap constantly… but he’ll outgrow it soon enough & then i’ll miss it. in the meantime, i’m doing webpage design because i can do that with him on my lap. (he already has a computer game, too, but dad & i are both geeks) >I have started giving myself permission to have "off" days, >especially if she’s had a sleepless night and I’m exhausted. >By an "off" day I mean that I’ll let her play on her own >instead of playing with her and I’ll probably chat to her >less than on other days. I’ve also started going out on my >own to a movie now and then and leaving DD with DH. I know >some people will say that that is wrong but I feel that it is >necessary for my mental health and thus, for my baby’s well >being.
sounds to me like you’re doing just fine. you can’t be perfect mommy all the time, especially if you’re tired or feeling ill. it’s actually good for DD to play by herself. remember you don’t have to be part of everything she does and leaving her with daddy while you go to a movie is good for both of them. daddy needs time with her too. >Anyway, I’m doing much better now. I find that the happier my >baby is the happier I am. She’s been teething so she’s been a >bit grumpy and I’ve therefore been depressed.
this too will pass B’s just started teething. i hope he stops teething on my nipples soon though 
lee
Response:
>I’m pretty sure my insecurities stem from two places: >1) My parents were extremely critical of my as a child. Nothing I did >was ever good enough.
It’s good that you recognize where the insecurity comes from. It is also very hard not to play those old tapes from your parents in your head and *think* you are not good enough to be a parent to your own child. It sounds as if you are starting out well though. >2) Since I don’t want to parent the way my parents parented I’m >basically starting from scratch. I’ve read loads of books and some of >them were very helpful, some just made things worse.
Take what resonates with you and realize that you do know yourself and your child better than any book. Take each piece of advice and see if it fits rather than using it just because it came from a particular book. The most important thing in parenting is attitude. Respecting your child, listening to him or her and meeting his or her needs in ways that allow you to have your own needs met too are critical, imho. >The whole "how much of your self should you sacrifice for your child," >issue is a real sore-point.
Essentially this question gets answered as your child gets older with less and less each day, week, month and year. Infants get their needs met immediately, but children do learn to wait and do learn to respect parent’s needs as they grow too. >Sleep deprevation made me very depressed >and sick for several months but I didn’t want to sleep train DD. Of >course I was tempted and the temptation made me feel guilty. I never >did it and now she’s starting to sleep longer and fall asleep on her >own as opposed to on the breast. So, there’s one decision I’m happy >that I made.
It sounds like you made a good decision here and one that will stand you in good stead as she grows and gains more independence. The infants who are held and allowed to develop their own sleep pattern seem to me to end up sleeping well according to their bodies needs rather than to some artificial pattern we create for them. >I have started giving myself permission to have "off" days, especially >if she’s had a sleepless night and I’m exhausted. By an "off" day I >mean that I’ll let her play on her own instead of playing with her and >I’ll probably chat to her less than on other days. I’ve also started >going out on my own to a movie now and then and leaving DD with DH. I >know some people will say that that is wrong but I feel that it is >necessary for my mental health and thus, for my baby’s well being.
I can’t imagine anyone saying that this is wrong. First, of course, infants need some independent play. Second, daughters need to bond with their fathers too. It seems to me that this works for both you and your baby. >Anyway, I’m doing much better now. I find that the happier my baby is >the happier I am. She’s been teething so she’s been a bit grumpy and >I’ve therefore been depressed.
Teething though will have to just be gotten through by both of you. Try some of the remedies like teethers that can be frozen or teething biscuits for her to bite. She will be fussy, but after all it hurts, so wouldn’t you be? Distracting her with play helps too when she is especially fussy since if she is busy she won’t concentrate on the pain so much. Good luck. It seems like you are off to a good start. I’m going to repost my positive parenting post once more in this thread and please feel free to use what you like of it and discard anything that doesn’t feel right in it. >XOXOOX >Sara
Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown
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Here is the list once again. FWIW, when I began this, my own children were infants. I was skeptical about these methods. But I have been using them now for almost 30 years. They work. And they work with kids who have been in very bad environments and kids who are in good ones. They work with crack babies. They work with gang teens. They are more effective than the behaviorist techniques that are used to try to *control* behavior because they *teach* self-control and self-discipline. It helps if they are used early from the beginning, but they are also often effective in turning kids lives around after abuse and/or neglect has left them with poor skills and poor self-esteem As paradoxical as it sounds, the more control you can give to a child the less oppositional and defiant he is likely to be… For a *typical* child who is simply oppositional because he needs autonomy, the best techniques are to give him as much control of his own actions as possible. This is done by giving him choices and by acknowledging his feelings respectfully and by allowing him warning about transitions that are coming up… I am reproducing something here that is intended for parents, but which expresses my philosophy and methods in both parenting and teaching.. Please realize that this is NOT original though I have added to it along the way and reworded freely from many sources. Also realize that you have to take only what resonates with your own style and that this list is not intended to be a formula or a definitive list of all possible techniques that someone can use with children… It is the attitude that is important, imho and I am constantly refining this list as I find new things that fit with it on the mail rings and on the newsgroups I frequent Positive Parenting The idea of these methods is to be proactive and not reactive. To empower the child rather than to control his behavior. To see the child’s individual needs and abilities rather than to use some general techniques. To adapt these things to particular situations using the basic principle of respect for the child’s feelings and human rights. Part of this is simply a change in the way you speak to your child and in the attitude that you show toward him when you *really* look at him and listen to him carefully. Mostly, this boils down to LISTEN to your child and RESPECT his unique needs and feelings. First, model the behavior you want your child to emulate. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not words. Second, always try to look for the underlying cause of the behavior and address that so that the need is actually met in acceptable ways. Assume your child is *good* even when his behavior doesn’t meet your standards. Third, state your rules and requests in positive ways, not negative ones – Please walk is always more effective than don’t run. Fourth, explain on the child’s developmental level exactly what you want done again in positive terms – state what he can do, not what he can’t do. Get down on the child’s physical level and look at him when you explain. Know your child’s abilities and don’t underestimate his understand and talk down to him or her, but do look at him when you are speaking and explain in vocabulary that he or she understands. Fifth, redirect a child who is doing something that you dislike to something he *can* do now instead of what he is doing. Give the child choices between many things that are acceptable to you and he won’t have to find something that is unacceptable so that he can have control. Whenever possible, let the child decide on what he should do even if the choice he makes is different from what you think is the *best* one. Children learn from making choices Sixth, give your child warnings of transitions so that they become easier to manage. Children need time to *finish* what they are doing. Persistence in doing a task is a virtue and should be encouraged. So try to allow children to finish what they start even when it is *just* a game. Seventh, allow for time-outs when your emotions or the child’s are out of control. Time-outs can be used non-punitively to allow both the adult and child to regain control of their emotions. Let the child control the amount of time he stays in the time-out. Give him the control and he may put himself in time-out when he feels he needs it without your having to initiate this at all. Use it yourself too if your own emotions fly out of control. It’s a great way to calm *yourself* down. And apologize when you make a mistake or fly off the handle. Children will forgive you and you will have given them an example of how we interact and accept mistakes forgiving ourselves for them and making amends when we can. Eighth, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t give a lot of warnings, give one and then act. Act in a way that conveys a positive message, but do act. Make sure that you can and do carry out any action that you tell your child you *will* do. Ninth, plan for situations before they arise. Try to have some idea of what you will do so that you can stay calm and not react in anger. When you do need to change the child’s behavior do so calmly and quickly. Pick up a young child and remove him from the situation or redirect him to some positive activity without yelling and without anger. Talk in a reasonable and normal tone of voice. convey the message of love with your voice and your body. Tenth, as your child grows, try to involve him in planning the rules that are necessary. Let him make some of the decisions within reasonable guidelines so that he begins to trust his own feelings about what is right and what is wrong. You can use role-playing and dramatic play to help your child figure out what she can do when situations come up that are difficult for her. Always involve her in solving the problem. Let her brainstorm different things she can do and then let her choose from the acceptable alternatives she comes up with. Search for discipline on this site or read some of the articles related to spanking and parenting. There is a study of the long term results of responsive parenting also which supports some of the results that I’ve seen with children http://naturalchild.com/home/ Try the following URLs for effective ways to discipline children without spanking or yelling http://home1.gte.net/clarkjs/discipln.htm http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0200articles.html And try the discipline links on the web site below for a great list of books that you can use to help you chose methods that work for you http://www.ll.net/morpheus/family/naturalmothering.html Two good resource books are: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk and How To Talk So Kids Will Learn by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Siblings without Rivalry by the same authors is also helpful. This particular post is copywrited by me and is now published on Ghostwolf’s web site in the section on insights along with several posts by Silenced. For those interested in child sexual abuse his web site is not for the faint hearted, but is a strong and powerful story of one man’s fight out of the abyss… His art and poetry are amazing and his story is of a voice that will not be silenced by those who refuse to believe.. If you visit his web site, please let him know how you feel about it by signing his quest book. http://www.nemasys.com/ghostwolf/ For a anyone who does care about children who have been abused, the following web site may also be of interest. Her poetry too is not for the faint of heart, but speaks directly about what has happened to her. http://www.angelfire.com/zine/silencedchild/index.html Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I’m pretty sure my insecurities stem from two places: > 1) My parents were extremely critical of my as a child. Nothing I did > was ever good enough. > 2) Since I don’t want to parent the way my parents parented I’m > basically starting from scratch. I’ve read loads of books and some of > them were very helpful, some just made things worse. > The whole "how much of your self should you sacrifice for your child," > issue is a real sore-point. Sleep deprevation made me very depressed > and sick for several months but I didn’t want to sleep train DD. Of > course I was tempted and the temptation made me feel guilty. I never > did it and now she’s starting to sleep longer and fall asleep on her > own as opposed to on the breast. So, there’s one decision I’m happy > that I made. > I have started giving myself permission to have "off" days, especially > if she’s had a sleepless night and I’m exhausted. By an "off" day I > mean that I’ll let her play on her own instead of playing with her and > I’ll probably chat to her less than on other days. I’ve also started > going out on my own to a movie now and then and leaving DD with DH. I > know some people will say that that is wrong but I feel that it is > necessary for my mental health and thus, for my baby’s well being.
Who in the world would say that is wrong? And if they did, TOUGH SHIT. Sorry for the dirty language. You are the mother. You are in charge. Do not let any other insensitive SOBs tell you you are doing something wrong and undermine your confidence. Preserving your own self is one of the kinder things you can do for your child, in my opinion. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Anyway, I’m doing much better now. I find that the happier my baby is > the happier I am. She’s been teething so she’s been a bit grumpy and > I’ve therefore been depressed. > XOXOOX > Sara
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I haven’t posted here for a bit and so I feel like a posted response from > Steve is an honorary welcome back. As I was reading through I saw that you > had lost 1.5 lb preemie years ago and I wanted to say I am sorry for your > loss. Very sorry for your loss. My son had terrible lungs, too, but I > realize we are fortunate to have oscillating vents and the surfactant and > things like that nowadays…because my 1 lber would not have made it > otherwise…he was a 24 weeker. You might be surprised, but I actually > respect your opinion on this, not that our parenting styles are any near > alike, and not that we agree what is bad or what is good, but I also think > you took this to the nth degree because of course things like abuse is > wrong, etc., but that is not what was intended by the title. I have the > gnawing fear a lot that I will lose my son after how hard he fought to make > it, and sometimes this comes out in dreams as your above post mentioned. > Traci
Yeah, the dreams get you more than reality about stuff like that. It’s like you can control it when you’re awake, but when you’re asleep you’re helpless. Steve
Response:
I’m pretty sure my insecurities stem from two places: 1) My parents were extremely critical of my as a child. Nothing I did was ever good enough. 2) Since I don’t want to parent the way my parents parented I’m basically starting from scratch. I’ve read loads of books and some of them were very helpful, some just made things worse. The whole "how much of your self should you sacrifice for your child," issue is a real sore-point. Sleep deprevation made me very depressed and sick for several months but I didn’t want to sleep train DD. Of course I was tempted and the temptation made me feel guilty. I never did it and now she’s starting to sleep longer and fall asleep on her own as opposed to on the breast. So, there’s one decision I’m happy that I made. I have started giving myself permission to have "off" days, especially if she’s had a sleepless night and I’m exhausted. By an "off" day I mean that I’ll let her play on her own instead of playing with her and I’ll probably chat to her less than on other days. I’ve also started going out on my own to a movie now and then and leaving DD with DH. I know some people will say that that is wrong but I feel that it is necessary for my mental health and thus, for my baby’s well being. Anyway, I’m doing much better now. I find that the happier my baby is the happier I am. She’s been teething so she’s been a bit grumpy and I’ve therefore been depressed. XOXOOX Sara
Response:
:… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I think if your negative feelings persist, you should seek some help. It > wont be good for her or you to go through life like this. Do you have any > concrete evidence that you are not doinga good job? > christine > > I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months > > now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m > > terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and > > undamaged now. > Well… I’d kinda disagree with christine… Sounds like your self-esteem > is real low and my guess is you don’t feel the greatest about alot of things > you do. Seeking help may work but overall you need positive people in your > life and those who can really give you good feedback on your strong points > on a regular basis. Professionals can be overrated for the these tasks. > This will help you to have better self-talk and better introspection on your > parenting so those times where you feel crummy about yourself as a parent > lessen. > Also… parenting is hard work. I notice at times I do things I wish I > hadn’t done as a parent. Some of my parents attitudes come up when I talk > with my older daughter. I have to work to change that. We have to really > work at our parenting skills and work to drop the stuff our parents drummed > into us that we don’t like. I think the feeling on an occassional basis > that we aren’t doing well is there to keep us questioning ourselves when we > are looking at this little person who is so vulnerable and needy. When we > do this questioning though hopefully we either say… " NAH… I’m doing > great" or "wow I’d like to change that behavior…" Experiencing feelings > of inadequacy are usually signs that we are doing something new or something > we feel is really important. Overdoing the feelings of inadequacy though > isn’t good. That’s where girlfriends and other people come in who can help > us feel a little better about ourselves.
Response:
I haven’t posted here for a bit and so I feel like a posted response from Steve is an honorary welcome back. As I was reading through I saw that you had lost 1.5 lb preemie years ago and I wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. Very sorry for your loss. My son had terrible lungs, too, but I realize we are fortunate to have oscillating vents and the surfactant and things like that nowadays…because my 1 lber would not have made it otherwise…he was a 24 weeker. You might be surprised, but I actually respect your opinion on this, not that our parenting styles are any near alike, and not that we agree what is bad or what is good, but I also think you took this to the nth degree because of course things like abuse is wrong, etc., but that is not what was intended by the title. I have the gnawing fear a lot that I will lose my son after how hard he fought to make it, and sometimes this comes out in dreams as your above post mentioned. Traci Come Join the Fun at… http://www.parenthoodweb.com Log Directly into Chat at… http://phw2.parenthoodweb.com:4080/chat/world/html/login_orginal.html
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> I think if your negative feelings persist, you should seek some help. It > wont be good for her or you to go through life like this. Do you have any > concrete evidence that you are not doinga good job? > christine
> I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months > now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m > terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and > undamaged now.
Well… I’d kinda disagree with christine… Sounds like your self-esteem is real low and my guess is you don’t feel the greatest about alot of things you do. Seeking help may work but overall you need positive people in your life and those who can really give you good feedback on your strong points on a regular basis. Professionals can be overrated for the these tasks. This will help you to have better self-talk and better introspection on your parenting so those times where you feel crummy about yourself as a parent lessen. Also… parenting is hard work. I notice at times I do things I wish I hadn’t done as a parent. Some of my parents attitudes come up when I talk with my older daughter. I have to work to change that. We have to really work at our parenting skills and work to drop the stuff our parents drummed into us that we don’t like. I think the feeling on an occassional basis that we aren’t doing well is there to keep us questioning ourselves when we are looking at this little person who is so vulnerable and needy. When we do this questioning though hopefully we either say… " NAH… I’m doing great" or "wow I’d like to change that behavior…" Experiencing feelings of inadequacy are usually signs that we are doing something new or something we feel is really important. Overdoing the feelings of inadequacy though isn’t good. That’s where girlfriends and other people come in who can help us feel a little better about ourselves.
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I always wonder if can do any better, and always try to do the best, but I love him so much and do want to make sure I give him the best opportunities at least from a parental perspective! I just passed this chat to someone on another newsgroup for a totally unrelated thing but maybe you would want to join in…Sylvia Claire is hosting a chat at parenthoodweb.com on february 16 at 4:00 pm pst…the topic is "There is no Wrong Way to Parent your Child.." and maybe you could come by and join the circle and get some other perspectives. :-) Traci Come Join the Fun at… http://www.parenthoodweb.com Log Directly into Chat at… http://phw2.parenthoodweb.com:4080/chat/world/html/login_orginal.html
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> 16 at 4:00 pm pst…the topic is "There is no Wrong Way to Parent your > Child.." and maybe you could come by and join the circle and get some other > perspectives. :-) > Traci
Of COURSE there are WRONG ways to parent a child!!! Where the hell did you think the vicious evil kids come from, anyway!???? Did you imagine some of them are simply "bad seed"? Or were you afraid to tell someone what a load of CRAP they believe in!?? Dumb! Steve
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i have the dreams as well, i dream that there is some danger and i leave the scene without taking DS. he is 8 months old. But i dont have those feelings normally. I think if your negative feelings persist, you should seek some help. It wont be good for her or you to go through life like this. Do you have any concrete evidence that you are not doinga good job? christine – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months > now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m > terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and > undamaged now. > I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I > can’t get rid of it. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that > she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough > music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that > I’m not making her laugh enough,etc… > We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t > feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself. > Anyone else going through anything similar? > XOXOXO > Sara
Response:
> Well I hope you’re normal because I have the same type of dreams! > Last week I dreamt I dropped my 7 month old on a cement floor. > I was screaming and wailing in my dream which woke me up. > She is my second daughter, and I have similar concerns about both of them. > I’m just doing the best that I can, while constantly researching via books, > internet and other parents. > Rose
That reminds me, I had a dream not too long ago that my son had died in infancy and was reborn in successive babies several times and died of something unnamed after growing up a little more each time. I awoke in a cold sweat in state of panic and horror and had to search my mind for the truth to calm myself. It was just like over and over he just wasn’t viable or something, and as soon as I said that to myself I realized what my mind had done. We had a 1.5 pound premie the year before our son was born back in 1972 who only lived a short span of days necause of lung development, and which we watched die and buried ourselves on our friend’s land, and we worried the same thing might happen again all during our next and finally successful pregnancy. My mind had transposed that old fear into a repeating dream cycle. I had that dream less than a year ago, and my son is 26 and hasn’t lived with either of us for well over 7 years!! Parental worries last forever! They never really go away! Steve
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<snip> >I had that dream less than a year ago, and my son is 26 and hasn’t lived >with either of us for well over 7 years!! Parental worries last forever! >They never really go away! >Steve
Isn’t that the truth!! I’ve had similar dreams, too. I don’t think I ever really knew what worry or fear were until my kids were born!
Response:
Thanks to those of you who were sympathetic and said nice things. I’m feeling better today, probably because my husband just got back from a business trip. I know I’m doing the best that I can – and if I’m worried that I’m not talking to her enough I just talk to her some more. It’s hard to accept that perfection isn’t attainable. She’s loved and cared for by many people so we’re doing everything we can to help her develop into a healthy adult. XOXOXO Sara
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Everyone has bad days, or moments when they feel overwhelmed by the task of parenting. It is natural to have occasional worries. It is particularly bad if you have an introspective personality, tend to perfectionism, or are highly self critical. I frequently wonder if I’m doing enough or whether I could do things differently. The secret is not to fret on it, but to evaluate reasonably, to make operative decisions and to accept that parenting is an ongoing process — no real harm is done in one day/week/month of insufficient stimulation or discipline, and you always get another chance at doing better tomorrow. Just do the best you can and you’ll feel better and better about it in time as you watch your child grow. If you are frequently worried or anxious or having frequent bad dreams, you might think about talking to a counsellor, particularly if you are isolated and have few friends to talk to. You might be depressed. –Lisa Bell – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months >now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m >terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and >undamaged now. >I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I >can’t get rid of it. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that >she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough >music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that >I’m not making her laugh enough,etc… >We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t >feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself. >Anyone else going through anything similar? >XOXOXO >Sara
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Well I hope you’re normal because I have the same type of dreams! Last week I dreamt I dropped my 7 month old on a cement floor. I was screaming and wailing in my dream which woke me up. She is my second daughter, and I have similar concerns about both of them. I’m just doing the best that I can, while constantly researching via books, internet and other parents. Rose – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months > now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m > terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and > undamaged now. > I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I > can’t get rid of it. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that > she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough > music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that > I’m not making her laugh enough,etc… > We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t > feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself. > Anyone else going through anything similar? > XOXOXO > Sara
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months > now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m > terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and > undamaged now. > I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I > can’t get rid of it. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that > she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough > music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that > I’m not making her laugh enough,etc… > We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t > feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself. > Anyone else going through anything similar? > XOXOXO > Sara
Your dream shows you are a good mommy. You worry about swimming her even when you’re with her. Good, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Stop worrying about such dreams and fears and just have them and realize that they mean you’re normal and good. You’re doing fine. Make sure pools have a fence and a locked gate whever you go with her and wherever she goes till she’s older. She may think she can swim better than she can while she’s still tiny. Steve
Response:
> just feel so overcome today.
We all have days that we feel overcome..especially as parents. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months >now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m >terrified that I will do the same to her.
It sounds as if you have some unresolved issues with your parents. If you are walking around with anger and resentment, this quite possibly will be passed on to your daughter in some way, shape or form. If you have moved on and are not walking around bitter about your past (whether consciously or unconciously), you will be able to take how you were parented, and rescript your role as her mother. Take what you didn’t like and turn it into a positive. Take what you liked and use is. Very few of us were completely horribly parented. She so pure and innocent and >undamaged now.
That is the beauty of childhood. >I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I >can’t get rid of it.
It is very normal to dream about the things that we are too afraid to think of in our waking hours. Having dreams such as this is common from time to time. If they are persistent, such as nightly or several times a week, I would entertain the thoughts of talking to a counselor. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that >she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough >music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that >I’m not making her laugh enough,etc…
I do not think that it is abnormal to wonder if we are doing good enough for our children. I don’t know if you constantly worry or if this is just your bad day. Obssessing over things such as this are not too healthy. If it is constant…again, I would recommend talking to a professional. >We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t >feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself.
This sounds like your esteem and not so much worrying about baby. That is good that you have fun…continue to find things that are fun. I highly recommend finding a mommy and me group that meets weekly. Call your local social service agencies to find out what groups are available and where. The meetings are every bit as much for babies as they are for the grown ups. Are you isolated from other adults most of the time? Have you been depressed since her birth? Do you know what post partum depression is? Are you eating well? Exercising? Socializing? Are you married or a single parent? Have you gone from working to staying at home? So many factors come in to play after the birth of a baby. So much of it is positive and yes, some of it is negative. It’s a big adjustment and some people adjust better than others. >Anyone else going through anything similar? >XOXOXO >Sara
I don’t know you or your situation well enough to tell you that you are fine and everything is normal. If you are really worried and don’t seem to have the energy or discipline to calm yourself down when you start worrying, it would be a great idea to find a counselor to talk things over with. I don’t believe that there is anyone who can’t benefit from talking to one from time to time. Good luck. If nothing else, keep posting here and trying to connect with others jadelee
Response:
I just feel so overcome today. I love my DD so much – she’s nine months now. I feel that my parents screwed my up in many ways and I’m terrified that I will do the same to her. She so pure and innocent and undamaged now. I had a dream last night that she drowned due to my negligence and I can’t get rid of it. I’m worried that I don’t talk to her enough, that she’s not getting enough nutrition, that she’s not hearing enough music, that I’m not setting the groundwork for future discipline, that I’m not making her laugh enough,etc… We have fun. We go to baby music and swimming lessons. I just can’t feel good about myself as a parent. I can’t relax and accept myself. Anyone else going through anything similar? XOXOXO Sara
Response:
I have a friend who seems to be going through the same thing. Her daughter is now 15 months old and she hasn’t seemed to have had one minute of fun yet with her daughter. She sees parenting as a project to be done *right*. She doesn’t make a move without calling her pediatrician or checking what the child psychologist book that is flavor of the month says. And she is miserable. Actually about 2 weeks ago she accidentally spilt her cup of just-made hot tea on her daughter, giving her 2nd degree burns. Now she’s even more convinced she’s a terrible mother. Personally I don’t *get* feeling that way. As long as you know you’re doing your best, what’s there to get so anxious over? But I bet how you’re feeling is probably pretty common. Later, Sophie mom to Charlotte (2.7 yrs) and Patrick (14 months)
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