Question:
> We do not have a problem agreeing to rules, we come to agreements just > fine, the > problem is when I try to enforce a rule and then he undercuts me. > Wonderwoman
Boy, can I identify with this. When I first moved in with D., ten months ago now, we sat down with the kids and agreed on a list of rules. These included what chores would get done and by who. Well, guess who has ended up doing most of the chores and/or enforcing the rules as far as the kids chores go? Not to say that D. doesn’t do anything, but the stuff he does, like take out the garbage and mow the lawn and fix the cars are things that only need to be done periodically, while picking up around the house is something that needs to be done every couple of days. Otherwise, with two messy kids around, we end up living in a pigsty. I was feeling so resentful and frustrated this weekend past that Monday morning I began phoning maid services in town and told D. that I was hiring someone. He acted surprised that I thought we would need someone to come in and asked me not to tell his parents! I feel most frustrated about being the one to have to enforce these rules with the kids but I will be damned if I am going to spend the next ten years of my life living with two lazy children who don’t know how or care enough to pick up after themselves. My eyes are being opened as to where they get it from. The same thing applies to t.v. I don’t think the kids should be watching t.v. during the week at all. If they do, they rush into the house after school and watch it for two hours while their Dad and I run around trying to get dinner ready, etc. We don’t get a chance to talk with them and after the two hours I notice they are more sullen and uncommunicative. So we agreed that there would be no t.v. Monday to Thursday. But whenever D. comes home from work too stressed out and tired to be bothered to enforce rule, he just lets the kids watch t.v. What should I do? Should I try to be consistent with the rules we set on the nights kids are alone with me (Tuesday and Thursday)? Somedays I just want to give up because it feels like a battle I can’t win. The situation is not helped by their mother who, from the sounds of it, just rents movies all weekend when they are with her and lets them watch all kinds of stuff that I think isn’t suitable for young kids (i.e. horror movies, violent stuff). Anyways, don’t really have any solutions or advice for this problem, just commiserating and also wondering what I can do to alleviate this situation> Colleen
Response:
Deon, I like Dan’s suggestions and I think most of us believe 7 year olds need their own bed, even though there are different cultures that are comfortable with this. I think if a child has a nightmare the parent can reassure them and put them back in their own bed. This gets old for the parent bobbing up and down, but I hope that your wife can do this for you. (To be perfectly honest, after several times a night I get a little cranky and the kids figure out it’s not making me happy.) I also hope that your wife doesn’t present it to your son as something *you* are demanding, but rather that it be both of you that prefer this. Good Luck. Merrie
Response:
I am catching only the parts of this post quoted in Dan’s response (which I think has many great points and a great perspective). I wanted to add a couple. No, it is not "healthy" for a 7 year old to sleep with his parents, necessarily, but it is not necessarily strange. It must be preceeded by two things (IMHO), great emotional need or insecurity (yes much manipulation can be involved but the feelings are likely to be there also) and/or prior sleeping habits in the past. I know my husband works at night sometimes and my younger step-son slept with his mom until he was 13!!! On the other hand it was never a problem for the family or for the mother once the family broke up. He is now 19 and a really great kid who is managing independance and a girlfriend nicely. I don’t mean to justify the sleeping habits, I think that it is pretty unusual. I just wanted to point out that families handle this sort of thing in unique ways. Dan is right on the money in my book in that what you two are comfortable with has to be a strong priority. I think that counseling is really important, if your wife cannot see that her son needs her help to establish good sleep cycles and confidence and independance then maybe she also needs some help to look at her parenting style and make sure she is really giving her son what she wants to by her actions. There are many things done in the name of love that are not helpful just because alternatives are not known. I also think that she must surely know your feelings and she is as stuck between a rock and hard place as you. She is trying to please you and parent him, and not accomplishing what she wants or what you two need. Two adults trying so hard to make it work deserve to have a little help in making their efforts and energy pay off. Whether you come up with some creative solutions on your own, seek ideas from parenting books or turn to a counselor’s perspective, I think you two could use some help in adding to your ideas on how to help your SS (and maybe get something out of it for yourselves as well). Remember Dan’s comment, it is not just important to put your relationship on the front burner, but where do you think you renew the energy you have for parenting and loving your children and you life, but from your spouse? You have far more to give if you can unite your marriage. sirole BTW, Dan’s ideas about the cups & dimes may not work here, but what a creative idea!!
Response:
sorry, had to snip… I will be damned if I am going to spend the next ten years of my > life living with two lazy children who don’t know how or care enough to > pick up after themselves. My eyes are being opened as to where they get > it from.
I came to realize that my idea of clean and my spouse’s idea of clean aren’t the same clean. It would be very fustrating for both of us if I insisted he clean up to my standards, and we’ve agreed on the compromise that if it bugs you clean it. I’ve learned to tolerate a little more… The silver lining is that he never nags me about the condition of the house. Of course, I would reply, "If it bothers you…" > But whenever D. comes home from work too stressed out > and tired to be bothered to enforce rule, he just lets the kids watch > t.v. What should I do? > Colleen
Go find the source of the antenae input and unplug it. Our cable comes through the garage and I just yank the thing after everybody’s had their alloted one show for the day. Maybe someday I’ll by a timer that allows me to program it according to each persons show, and then it will just go off by itself. The kids never seem to argue with this, or sneak around and try to watch T.V. in another room. It’s just off. Caio. Merrie
Response:
Hi, This is the first time that I have submitted a post to this newsgroup and would like to ask for some advice or support. My situation is as follows. I was divorced some years ago and went through a very traumatic separation from my two children at the time. A very vindictive Ex took my children to the furtharest city in my country to keep my children from seeing me. They are approx 1200km away. Any way, I have since then re-married and my new wife has a child who is 7 going on 8. There have been a few difficulties which I am sure every step situation would go through. My stepson and I have a few problems when it comes to discipline, for example I will say no to watching TV after his agreed bedtime and he will then go to is mother and cry that he just wants to watch TV and I say no, with the result he ends up watching TV anyway. This kind of manipulation has me between a rock and a hard place. The issue that has become a mojor concern for me lately is that for the last few years that my wife and I have been together my stepson has inssited on sleeping in our bed. I put up with it for a while and did ask my wife to promote him sleeping in his own bed. Over the past three years he has probably slept in his own bed about 50 times at the most. He insists on falling aspleep in our bed at night and then I would take him through to his bed when I go to bed. It is alsmost a sure thing that he will come through to our room during the night (usually after about him being in his bed for about 2-3hours) and climb in. I do not get to go back to sleep, my wife and I get pushed around in the bed and this gets unbearable to the point that I will get out of bed pick him up and carry him in his sleep back to his bed. 9 times out of 10 he will be back within 5 to 10 minutes crying saying that he is having nightmares. If he is truly having nightmares then he has one evry single night!! This causes its own problems because my wife will then say shame if he is having nightmares we can’t send him back to his bed, so she will make a bed for him on the floor or just let him sleep in the bed. You can imagine at this point how angry I would be. I do not know what to do about this situation. Is this kind of behaviour normal for a "stable" family with a 7 year old (a very mature child most of the time). For me one of the most difficult sittuations is to discuss this problem with my wife because she would tell me that I am comparing my children with hers. I see my children for 6 weeks per year, 3 weeks in my town and 3 weeks in their town. I do not see them for up to 4 moths at a time, and when they do come and stay and come to our room during the night I will take them back to their bed and comfort them and let them go back to sleep. They do not just come through, they will call me. In the times that they have been to stay with us they have come through to our room twice in 12 weeks. My sons are 6 and 4 years old. I would really appreciate it if anybody could give my some constructive advice so that I can sort this out and grow from it. Thanking you in advance. Deon PS – I love my wife more than anything in this world and would truly like to spend the rest of my life with her.
Response:
<7yo stepson sleeps in room, wife has no problem with it, stepdad does> Hi Deon: Step-parent situations like this one, IMHO, are rarely about the child. Children, especially bright (not to say manipulative) stepchildren, will do exactly what they’re allowed to do and will not do what they’re taught is not tolerated. Of course, mine and yours are only 7. I’m sure this changes when they hit their teens! :-) Through counseling, I have learned how many of the problems I had with Shannon had their roots in problems between me and Chuck. For example, the problem in your case, it seems to me, is not that your stepson wants to sleep in your bed, but that your wife allows it and disregards your wishes in the matter. This gives the child more control over your bedroom than is appropriate. Don’t you think he knows that you’re angry, and that Mommy’s choosing him over you? This knowledge is not a good thing for him. The fact that your wife also overrules your disciplinary decisions is another problem that Chuck and I used to have, and I actually threatened to leave him unless we settled the problem. I knew that I could never have any kind of authority with Shannon if she did not learn that what I say goes. At first I did need Chuck to support me, but we quickly moved on from there until I handled all my situations with her by myself. It was very hard, but well worth it and we have a very close relationship today. You really need to sit down with your wife, and go over the ways in which HER behavior (not your stepson’s) is hurting both your relationship with her and your relationship with him. Then you need to agree on how you will handle the bedroom situation. Then I suggest sitting down TOGETHER to explain the new rules to him. I would suggest saying something like, "We know that you want to be with us at night, but we need privacy and it’s not appropriate for you to sleep with us all the time. From now on if you have a nightmare Mommy will come in and sit with you until you fall back to sleep, but we’ve decided that we can’t allow you to come in bed with us anymore." Of course, any explanation that fits your cultural or religious beliefs would be fine. Then stick to it. Shannon used to come to our bed when she wet the bed at night. Finally, I just started laying out her sleeping bag and fresh pajamas before she went to sleep, taught her how to clean herself up, and refused to get up in the middle of the night or let her in bed with us. It was hard for a few nights, but we talked about it in the morning if she had asked to come into our bed, and every night before she went to bed I reminded her. In the end, the greater independence was good for her. Anyway, this is already too long, but I wish you well. It’s hard, isn’t it? — Anne Robotti |/ "The Only Anne to Shannon since 12/17/94" (. .) "Mommy-to-be to Boo-boo on January 9th, 1997!" ___o00o_(_(_)_)_o00o___
Response:
My stepson and I have a few problems when it comes to discipline, for example I will say no to watching TV after his agreed bedtime and he will then go to his mother and cry that he just wants to watch TV and I say no, with the result he ends up watching TV anyway. She has got to let you enforce rules that you both agreed upon You will need your wife’s agreement to do some of the things Ferber recommended. I am having some of the same problems. SO and I have discussed homework rules and other rules. He has changed some of the homework rules because giving them the choice of when to do it was not working. So, we discussed the following: 1. Can’t leave the house or play until homework is done first. 2. Don’t ask another adult permission for something that the other has already said no. 3. Don’t ask permission for anything of an adult while they are sleeping or in bed resting. 4. If you forget a book to do homework see, rule 1. Anyway, SO’s 10 year old broke all four of these rules yesterday, and you know what consequence she got (NOTHING!) Please note: we have always had problems with this kid sometimes flat out refusing to do her homework or forgetting books. Last night was open house at school. She had already went to her friends, her dad ask me to call over there and tell her to come home and do her homework. After she did one subject, she told me that she forgot her math book and could I just get it later while we were at open house and she could do her math after we got back. I told her of course we can pick up your math book up at open house. She said OK I’m going to my friends now. I said wait you forgot the rule your homework still has to be done before you can go to your friends. Then the (That’s not fair, etc. started). She then went and ask her dad who was at the time taking a nap, that her book was at school and she could do it later and could she go to her friends. He told her it was fine. We do not have a problem agreeing to rules, we come to agreements just fine, the problem is when I try to enforce a rule and then he undercuts me. Wonderwoman
Response:
For the last few YEARS? You’ve really dug yourself a hole. You will need lots of help to get out of it. If you can afford a counselor, do so. Also, find the nearest Toughlove group. Give it a try for 6 meetings.
Response:
> If he is truly having nightmares then he has one evry single night!! > This causes its own problems because my wife will then say shame if he > is having nightmares we can’t send him back to his bed, so she will make > a bed for him on the floor or just let him sleep in the bed.
Just thought of another question. Why, if your wife is soooo concerned and really thinks he is actually having these nightmares hasn’t she got him help or taken him to a phychologist. Maybe, if anything else the Dr. can find out what’s really bothering him. Maybe is jealous of you being another male figure in his mother’s life. Anyway, if he really is having that many nightmares, then someone needs to take him to a Dr. to find out why. Or if anything else to find out why is says it is even if its not. I have a 9 year old ADHD son who does have nightmares, but he does not come get me. He just tries to stay awake most of the night. There are times I have gone into his room in the middle of the night to find him crying (without making a sound) scared to move or get up out of the bed. He usually only mentions the nightmares at bedtime. He will tell me "But mommie, I don’t want to dream." I have since put him on medicine to help him sleep at night since the school called children’s services because he fell asleep twice in the same week last year during class. Wonderwoman
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi, > This is the first time that I have submitted a post to this newsgroup > and would like to ask for some advice or support. My situation is as > follows. I was divorced some years ago and went through a very traumatic > separation from my two children at the time. A very vindictive Ex took > my children to the furtharest city in my country to keep my children > from seeing me. They are approx 1200km away. > Any way, I have since then re-married and my new wife has a child who is > 7 going on 8. > There have been a few difficulties which I am sure every step situation > would go through. My stepson and I have a few problems when it comes to > discipline, for example I will say no to watching TV after his agreed > bedtime and he will then go to is mother and cry that he just wants to > watch TV and I say no, with the result he ends up watching TV anyway. > This kind of manipulation has me between a rock and a hard place. > The issue that has become a mojor concern for me lately is that for the > last few years that my wife and I have been together my stepson has > inssited on sleeping in our bed. I put up with it for a while and did > ask my wife to promote him sleeping in his own bed. Over the past three > years he has probably slept in his own bed about 50 times at the most. > He insists on falling aspleep in our bed at night and then I would take > him through to his bed when I go to bed. It is alsmost a sure thing that > he will come through to our room during the night (usually after about > him being in his bed for about 2-3hours) and climb in. I do not get to > go back to sleep, my wife and I get pushed around in the bed and this > gets unbearable to the point that I will get out of bed pick him up and > carry him in his sleep back to his bed. 9 times out of 10 he will be > back within 5 to 10 minutes crying saying that he is having nightmares. > If he is truly having nightmares then he has one evry single night!! > This causes its own problems because my wife will then say shame if he > is having nightmares we can’t send him back to his bed, so she will make > a bed for him on the floor or just let him sleep in the bed. You can > imagine at this point how angry I would be. I do not know what to do > about this situation. Is this kind of behaviour normal for a "stable" > family with a 7 year old (a very mature child most of the time). > For me one of the most difficult sittuations is to discuss this problem > with my wife because she would tell me that I am comparing my children > with hers. I see my children for 6 weeks per year, 3 weeks in my town > and 3 weeks in their town. I do not see them for up to 4 moths at a > time, and when they do come and stay and come to our room during the > night I will take them back to their bed and comfort them and let them > go back to sleep. They do not just come through, they will call me. In > the times that they have been to stay with us they have come through to > our room twice in 12 weeks. My sons are 6 and 4 years old. > I would really appreciate it if anybody could give my some constructive > advice so that I can sort this out and grow from it. > Thanking you in advance. > Deon > PS – I love my wife more than anything in this world and would truly > like to spend the rest of my life with her.
Hi Deon, It sounds to me, like you and your wife need to agree on the rules and back each other up. If you are going to say "no TV", or sleep in your own bed, you need to make sure that your wife will back you up and vice-versa. If you work together, child cannot play you against each other. I know it is easier said than done…but you two need to talk about it and agree on something. Good luck! Lisa Clark :)
Response:
> There have been a few difficulties which I am sure every step situation > would go through. My stepson and I have a few problems when it comes to > discipline, for example I will say no to watching TV after his agreed > bedtime and he will then go to is mother and cry that he just wants to > watch TV and I say no, with the result he ends up watching TV anyway. > This kind of manipulation has me between a rock and a hard place.
Deon, I’m not a psychologist, I’m just an engineer, so take this for what you think its worth. My wife and I have been working out the same type of problems for years and will probably continue for years to come. I don’t think the problem is between you and your stepson. I think the problem is between you and your wife. My wife was involved in a marriage where she basically had to run everything. Her ex was not one to get involved with working together in the household, especially with the kids. She made all of the decisions involving the kids because SOMEONE had to! While this made her a very strong individual it also instilled in her a feeling that she HAD to make all of the decisions. Then here comes the new stepdad who wants to help and also has feelings about what he thinks is important in bringing up children. Suddenly we are both faced with a very difficult situation. The kids have always looked to her alone for guidance. She is used to making all of the decisions. The newcomer wants to be involved but tends to be dismissed. Whether we like it or not we are rapidly creating an "us and them" situation. God, the resentment and frustration can be a killer! My wife and I constantly have to work on this. Again, it has not disappeared but it is getting better. We talk about it a lot, especially when a situation has occurred that sparks my feelings of detachment. In fact, if possible, I will whisk her off to an empty room as soon as it has happened and try to talk her through it, expressing how I feel about it and why. I don’t beat on her about it. I just try to explain and get her to imagine the situation from my perspective. I also listen and absorb her feelings. > The issue that has become a mojor concern for me lately is that for the > last few years that my wife and I have been together my stepson has > inssited on sleeping in our bed. I put up with it for a while and did > ask my wife to promote him sleeping in his own bed. Over the past three > years he has probably slept in his own bed about 50 times at the most. > He insists on falling aspleep in our bed at night and then I would take > him through to his bed when I go to bed. It is alsmost a sure thing that > he will come through to our room during the night (usually after about > him being in his bed for about 2-3hours) and climb in. I do not get to > go back to sleep, my wife and I get pushed around in the bed and this > gets unbearable to the point that I will get out of bed pick him up and > carry him in his sleep back to his bed. 9 times out of 10 he will be > back within 5 to 10 minutes crying saying that he is having nightmares.
I imagine this is a result of the two of them sleeping together after the divorce (just guessing). I had a similar problem with my youngest daughter (she was 5 at the time). How did I solve it? FIRST I discussed my plan with Mom. Then I showed my daughter two cups, one with 5 dimes (her cup) and one with 45 dimes (my cup). Understand that she LIKES money! Maybe you will need a different incentive. I explained to her that: 1. For every night she stayed in her own bed she would get a dime moved from my cup to her cup (reward). 2. For every night she tried to climb in with us or her older sister she not only didn’t get a dime, she would have one removed from her cup and put back into mine (not only no reward but a penalty!). 3. I was allowed to make judgement calls, i.e., if she got sick, blasting thunder, etc. I could still give her a dime if the "spirit" of the game was still followed. This was important because I DID NOT want her to get sick but stay in bed to earn her dime. However, as I said, this was purely MY call. If the reason was clearly bogus, no dime. 4. Once all of the dimes had moved to her cup the cash was hers! Forty-five dimes gave me 6-8 weeks worth of time to try to get her on track. It worked! Yes, she asked when we were all done if more dimes would be made available. No, I said, the game is over. But she had become so used to sleeping in her own bed and, most importantly, had PROVED she could do it we never really had a problem from then on. > If he is truly having nightmares then he has one evry single night!! > This causes its own problems because my wife will then say shame if he > is having nightmares we can’t send him back to his bed, so she will make > a bed for him on the floor or just let him sleep in the bed. You can > imagine at this point how angry I would be. I do not know what to do > about this situation. Is this kind of behaviour normal for a "stable" > family with a 7 year old (a very mature child most of the time).
No it is not IMHO. A 7 year old is old enough to sleep in his/her own bed. > For me one of the most difficult sittuations is to discuss this problem > with my wife because she would tell me that I am comparing my children > with hers.
You do not even have to mention your stepson or your bio kids. Don’t say something like "My kids were sleeping in their own bed at 2 months!" Phrase it more like "Don’t you think most 7 year olds sleep in their own beds?" As I said, its not your stepson’s problem, its you and your wife’s problem. I believe kids will get away with anything their parents will allow. Yes, calloused but somewhat true. They really do look out for number one! He is simply manipulating Mom to the maximum and, since you aren’t really in the picture, your input is dismissed. But face your wife with some constructive means of curing the problem and what can she say? Your wife has to remember one very important thing (flamers, get your torches ready!) The two of you are husband and wife before you are mom and stepdad. There, I’ve said it! Beat on me if you will! The bond between the two of you is the MOST IMPORTANT THING to keeping the marriage together. If you cannot work together and communicate with each other you sure as hell aren’t going to have any luck working together with your stepson. Try working things out to allow you to share in the decision making process. You DO deserve some input. Also try taking things slow, one step at a time. Work on the sleeping situation, then move to bedtime, homework, etc. And, remember, (as I am constantly reminded!) not everything you believe is correct. She also will have some valid points. If you can’t make headway, talk to a counsulor. It will always be important that you, together, display a united front. > PS – I love my wife more than anything in this world and would truly > like to spend the rest of my life with her.
Right On! That’s what you both need. Luck to you, Dan
Response:
> <snpped> > Any way, I have since then re-married and my new wife has a child who is > 7 going on 8. > There have been a few difficulties which I am sure every step situation > would go through. My stepson and I have a few problems when it comes to > discipline, for example I will say no to watching TV after his agreed > bedtime and he will then go to is mother and cry that he just wants to > watch TV and I say no, with the result he ends up watching TV anyway. > This kind of manipulation has me between a rock and a hard place.
This is so common! If this has been going on for 3 years, expect it to continue and get really bad when he’s a teen. I hope your wife can see how this is a clear undermining of the rules that you both presumably set. She has got to let you enforce rules that you both agree upon! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The issue that has become a mojor concern for me lately is that for the > last few years that my wife and I have been together my stepson has > inssited on sleeping in our bed. I put up with it for a while and did > ask my wife to promote him sleeping in his own bed. Over the past three > years he has probably slept in his own bed about 50 times at the most. > He insists on falling aspleep in our bed at night and then I would take > him through to his bed when I go to bed. It is alsmost a sure thing that > he will come through to our room during the night (usually after about > him being in his bed for about 2-3hours) and climb in. I do not get to > go back to sleep, my wife and I get pushed around in the bed and this > gets unbearable to the point that I will get out of bed pick him up and > carry him in his sleep back to his bed. 9 times out of 10 he will be > back within 5 to 10 minutes crying saying that he is having nightmares. > If he is truly having nightmares then he has one evry single night!! > This causes its own problems because my wife will then say shame if he > is having nightmares we can’t send him back to his bed, so she will make > a bed for him on the floor or just let him sleep in the bed. You can > imagine at this point how angry I would be. I do not know what to do > about this situation. Is this kind of behaviour normal for a "stable" > family with a 7 year old (a very mature child most of the time).
I would recommend a book called "Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber, M.D. It discusses nightmares as well as many other problems and gives concrete suggestions about how to deal with them. He does not, however, address all the factors that are probably at play in your situation. I think this is a way for him to exercise power and get control over someone he sees as a usurper. Good luck. You will need your wife’s agreement to do some of the things Ferber recommends. They are hard on everybody at the beginning, but they work (I’ve used his methods). Lyn
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