Question:
> By the way,being new to newsgroups, I’m wondering: what does YMMV stand for?
Your Mileage May Vary – It’s origins are from the 70’s when car makers were mandated to give information on the gas mileage that you could expect from their vehicles. They always posted mileage figures that were only possible only in very idealized conditions, with the YMMV phrase added on as a disclaimer. Real users never got performance as good as they promised. Here, the phrase is sort of a universal disclaimer which means: What works for me might not work for you, because everybody’s situation and everybody’d children are ALL different. Incidentally, your further explanation of your parenting style reveals that you and I actually have very few differences of opinion. I also agree that "good boy and "bad girl" should be almost universally shunned, because they do not convey the proper information. And I also use "thank you" frequently to express my appreciation for things that my children have done. And I agree that praise (or whatever you want to call it) should always be SPECIFIC and sincere. And I also think that a COMPLETELY non-judgemental approach to all artwork would be an interesting thing to try. Donna Kinney
Response:
Here’s the original poster of "Too Much Praise" again. What a wonderful discussion! I just wanted to say that I came from a home of very little encouragement and praise and have had to learn over the years to satiate my hunger for praise with good feelings I’ve developed within me. This is a lesson I want my daughter to avoid. I learned alot. I use "thank you" alot, which I consider a good way to praise and teach manners. I liked the other examples, too. I think I’m better armed to balance my praise and encouragement and recognition. Thanks!! Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
Response:
>beautiful, talented child who is god’s gift to humanity 
!
^ This is a CAPITAL G!
Response:
> This is not a bad response, in the case of artwork, but you can get the > same result by giving specific praise, like: "I really like the way that > the yellow and green look." BUT everything that our children do is NOT > art work! It is perfectly fine to make and convey no judgement about > works of art, but it is vitally necessary that we DO convey our > judgements about social behavior! I prefer to do this by praising > acceptable behavior. If we don’t encourage some types of behaviors in > our children, we do them a HUGE disservice, because the rest of society > will NOT be so non-judgmental.
The artwork was just an example, which I provided in response to Elena’s request for specific examples. And my point was not that the latter response was preferable just because it encourages discussion. "I really like the way that the yellow and the green look" is focusing on*you*, not on the painting or the child. It’s focusing on*your judgement* of the painting, whereas making non-judgmental observations helps the child to internalize a vocabulary for evaluating*his own* work. Should we really care what others think about our work? Or should our own evalution take precedence? Is is our parents’ job to teach us what they prefer, or to help us to learn how to follow our own hearts? Now, I do not mean to say that I do not convey my judgments about social behavior to my child. And I guess the confusion here is about how one defines the word "praise." But I do think word choice is important when communicating with a child. Here’s an example: This evening, my husband and I felt a need to attend a community meeting. This is not something we have ever done before, and there was no choice but to bring our 2 year-old son along. We were there for over an hour, and with only a few toys to occupy him, Kieran did a helluva job behaving well. He was restless, but he was not disruptive. As we were leaving, I said to him, "Kieran, I just want you to know how much I appreciate your behavior during this meeting. It was long, it was boring, and your tummy was hungry. There wasn’t much for you to do here. But you were quiet and patient, and you made it so Mommy and Daddy could listen and also talk. Thank you for being so cooperative." Now, you might call that praise. But the point here is that I didn’t say, "What a good boy you are!" or "Thanks for being so*good*!" I offered approval and positive reinforcement, but I did not tie it up in feelings of "good self, bad self." > Furthermore, I also believe that there is good reason to ALSO praise > children’s intrinsic traits and abilities. This type of praise says to > the child, "You are a valuable person." If it is heard often enough, it > will be internalized and become a part of the child’s core belief > system. I want my child to BELIEVE that message with all his heart, > even when the rest of the world seems to be telling him the opposite. > That is what we call self esteem and it is the #1 protection against > peer pressure.
I think we are actually in agreement deep down. It’s more that we are differing about how one goes about encouraging a child’s natural abilities/inclinations. My son loves to play the ukelele, guitar, and drums. Since my mother is a professional singer, my husband a musician, and myself musically inclined, I know it’s very likely that he has talent in this area. But I have never said to him, "You’re such a great ukelele player/singer/etc." On the other hand, I applaud when he finishes a song, and I do say, "I’m enjoying listening to your music," or "Thank you for serenading us while we eat. We’re enjoying listening to you." Is that praise? Or is it just encouragement, positive feedback? Sometimes I say, "Boy, I can see you are really enjoying playing your ukelele." I am focusing on the act, the enjoyment, as much as, or more than, the result. > I’m afraid that you may be mistaken about the end results of these > child-rearing techniques. People do not get an excessive need for > praise because they heard too much of it. In fact, just the opposite is > true. They need praise because they didn’t get enough in childhood, and > they didn’t internalize the "I am valuable." message.
Yes, it’s true that many people have low self-esteem because they weren’t encouraged or were actively discouraged or abused. And I don’t mean to imply that if you praise your child he’ll be needy and pathetic. I think degree is important. Look at that incredibly sad post about the sister who became a cheerleader. I think that’s a good example of external vs. internal esteem. Everyone thought she was so pretty and perfect, she then had to always*be* pretty and perfect. My mother has incredibly low self-esteem because her mother constantly told her, "No matter how good you are, there’s always someone better." Never mind that my mother is an incredibly gifted singer, she’d walk off stage humiliated, thinking she’d made a fool of herself. Reacting against this, she deliberately lavished my sister and me with praise, *some of which* backfired. For years, I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. What could be wrong with that? I recently realized that my feelings that I was unable to achieve anything (prior to having my son, that is), and my feelings of failure at being "only" a mom, even though I knew it was a difficult and extremely important job, came from an internalized notion that I had to "be something" that would impress my mom and show her I had used all my talents. (Fortunately,I am getting over this, and, perhaps more importantly, I don’t hold it against my mom, because I think she had the best of intentions.) > Maybe you should re-think your position and give in to those urges! Or > maybe just try it a few times and see if it feels right for you and your > daughter.
When I said I struggle with this, what I meant was, I feel I praise my son*too much* and need to tone down and resist some of those urges. The truth is, I am *lavishing* my son with praise a lot of the time, and it concerns me. Believe me, I am no cold fish. I’m just trying to practice what I preach a little more consistently. And letting my son know when his behavior is disappointing me and reinforcing his positive behavior is not, in my opinion, wrapped up with praise. Don’t think I never give an opinion or make a judgment. > I can assure you that I raised my oldest child with a HUGE overabundance > of praise of every size, shape, and form, and she really has turned out > all right (read: GREAT). A notable character trait of hers is her > ability to resist peer pressure and chart her own course. I’ll resist > the urge to brag further.
Go ahead and brag. Your daughter sounds terrific. I’m glad it worked for her. I don’t mean to make praise out to be some sort of evil. I’m no fanatic; I think extremes of any kind in this context are often dangerous. Sorry this is so long, everybody. I hope it’s not irritating everyone to death. I must say, I am truly impressed and stimulated by the level of discourse in this group and am poised on the brink of newsgroup addiction. Are people totally sick of this subject by now? If not, maybe we ought to all read Alfie Kohn’s book (okay, I admit it; I recommended it, but I’ve never actually read it!) and then respond to Alfie’s arguments. At least then we wouldn’t need to explain the terms of the discussion so much. By the way,being new to newsgroups, I’m wondering: what does YMMV stand for? Aloha, Gillian
Response:
>Praise "Wow! What a beautiful painting!" or, "I like your painting; it’s >nice." >Non-praise (recognition, encouragement): "Look at the colors you used. >You chose blue and green for the lines and yellow for the circle." >The latter is*descriptive*, rather than*judgmental* (a positive judgement >is still a judgment) and might provoke a discussion which would enable the >child to reflect upon his own work, maybe in a new way. Perhaps the child >will say, "The green is the grass, the blue is the sky, and the yellow is >the sun!"
I don’t see a reason why you can’t incorporate both into one statement. i.e. "I like your painting, it’s nice. Look at the colors you used. You chose blue and green for the lines and yellor for the circle." > Again, in varying degrees, there’s nothing wrong with > consistently praising your child’s accomplishments, no matter what > they are. Besides, I’d rather err on the side of too much, instead of > not enough. > -Amy W, > (Mom to Sam, 6/3/95) >Arrogance isn’t the issue. We’re talking about the difference between >outward and inward motivation. It is not healthy for adults to be >motivated by what others want; we’ll never be happy that way. If you >praise your child too much, you may unwittingly contribute to his >development into an adult who needs constant praise in order to feel good >about himself or who is unable to do anythign for the sheer joy of it.
But it is healthy for adults to be told that they have done a good job and it looks nice. It gives them a better and more positive attitude towards themselves. >This, from a mom who has a difficult time*not*praising my incredibly >beautiful, talented child who is god’s gift to humanity ! Seriously, >though, it is something I struggle with,<< >Aloha, >Gillian
Gillian, if you have such a difficult time "not" praising your child, don’t you think that you do have qualms about what you’re doing? Children look to their parents for guidance and support to help them become a more secure and confident person. Just my .02 Tina
Response:
> I used to work in a developmental nursery school. We were strongly > discouraged from praising the children but rather, asked to encourage them > by recognizing their efforts. Example: The child asks you to look at the > painting he just made. He’s clearly excited about it. Some possible > reactions: > Praise "Wow! What a beautiful painting!" or, "I like your painting; it’s > nice." > Non-praise (recognition, encouragement): "Look at the colors you used. > You chose blue and green for the lines and yellow for the circle." > The latter is*descriptive*, rather than*judgmental* (a positive judgement > is still a judgment) and might provoke a discussion which would enable the > child to reflect upon his own work, maybe in a new way. <some material deleted to save space>
This is not a bad response, in the case of artwork, but you can get the same result by giving specific praise, like: "I really like the way that the yellow and green look." BUT everything that our children do is NOT art work! It is perfectly fine to make and convey no judgement about works of art, but it is vitally necessary that we DO convey our judgements about social behavior! I prefer to do this by praising acceptable behavior. If we don’t encourage some types of behaviors in our children, we do them a HUGE disservice, because the rest of society will NOT be so non-judgmental. Furthermore, I also believe that there is good reason to ALSO praise children’s intrinsic traits and abilities. This type of praise says to the child, "You are a valuable person." If it is heard often enough, it will be internalized and become a part of the child’s core belief system. I want my child to BELIEVE that message with all his heart, even when the rest of the world seems to be telling him the opposite. That is what we call self esteem and it is the #1 protection against peer pressure. > Arrogance isn’t the issue. We’re talking about the difference between > outward and inward motivation. It is not healthy for adults to be > motivated by what others want; we’ll never be happy that way. If you > praise your child too much, you may unwittingly contribute to his > development into an adult who needs constant praise in order to feel good > about himself or who is unable to do anythign for the sheer joy of it.
I’m afraid that you may be mistaken about the end results of these child-rearing techniques. People do not get an excessive need for praise because they heard too much of it. In fact, just the opposite is true. They need praise because they didn’t get enough in childhood, and they didn’t internalize the "I am valuable." message. > This, from a mom who has a difficult time*not*praising my incredibly > beautiful, talented child who is god’s gift to humanity !
Maybe you should re-think your position and give in to those urges! Or maybe just try it a few times and see if it feels right for you and your daughter. I can assure you that I raised my oldest child with a HUGE overabundance of praise of every size, shape, and form, and she really has turned out all right (read: GREAT). A notable character trait of hers is her ability to resist peer pressure and chart her own course. I’ll resist the urge to brag further. As always, YMMV. Donna Kinney
Response:
> That of course depends on your definitons of praise. Telling a kid Hes a > good boy. Or something else equally none specific is not good. Kids > need specific feed back. "Mike, I really appreciate your help with > supper tonight" "Vicky I really enjoy doing dishes with you" (Of course > my mind goes blank when I need to be specific.
I agree with most of your post, Heather, but I have a problem with the next part: > Kids need to know what they’ve done that was right, what they did that > makes them a "good boy" (I hate the expresion my self) that way they can > repeat the thing they did that was so terrific. The same works in > revrse. Saying "You’re a bad girl" gives the kid nothin solid to go > on. Saying "when you unroll the toilet paper all over the house it makes > a mess and wastes the toilet paper" gives them what they did wrong.
Nothing your child does can "make" him a "good boy" or a "bad boy." Kids often think that if they do something bad, it makes them unlovable, because they in fact*are* bad. I’d try to excise the words "good" and "bad" from my parent-child vocabulary and focus instead, as you say, on specifics, making it clear that "what you did was not helpful. But people make mistakes, and I still love you, even when I’m angry with you." And then help him to right the wrong. "Okay, the toilet paper is everywhere; let’s pick it up." Aloha, Gillian
Response:
>So…how to praise without short-circuiting the authentic >self-esteem? Are there signs that we’re doing it wrong or >right? How much is too much?
Elena – I honestly believe that kids pick up on your true feelings. If you are sincerely enthusiastic about your praise, your words will flow from your heart and your child will sense that. On the other hand, if you’re "forcing" enthusiasm and effusiveness beyond what you feel to be reasonable, then your child will sense that as well and will be confused by the mixed signals of insincere praise. My rule of thumb is to try to remember what it was like when I was very little, and then to put myself in my daughter’s place: what would I expect to hear for praise, and would I believe the praise I just gave? You can "sense" when someone is being insincere or sarcastic, and I believe kids can too. -TBB
Response:
> >I wrote the original post on too much praise and now I can see the difference >as explained above. So…how to praise without short-circuiting the authentic >self-esteem? Are there signs that we’re doing it wrong or right? How much is >too much? Examples would be nice (like the toes wiggling in a previous post)! >Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
I used to work in a developmental nursery school. We were strongly discouraged from praising the children but rather, asked to encourage them by recognizing their efforts. Example: The child asks you to look at the painting he just made. He’s clearly excited about it. Some possible reactions: Praise "Wow! What a beautiful painting!" or, "I like your painting; it’s nice." Non-praise (recognition, encouragement): "Look at the colors you used. You chose blue and green for the lines and yellow for the circle." The latter is*descriptive*, rather than*judgmental* (a positive judgement is still a judgment) and might provoke a discussion which would enable the child to reflect upon his own work, maybe in a new way. Perhaps the child will say, "The green is the grass, the blue is the sky, and the yellow is the sun!" To which you might respond something like,"It reminds me of today, a sunny day." or some such thing. Now the child is thrilled, because he realizes that his painting has achieved the intended effect: the viewer knows he was inspired by the sunny day and painted it. The point is, the first response validates the child’s need for your approval. It says, "Yes, I like it, and that should mean something to you." It also implies that some time you might not like it (yes, yes, I know you’d never SAY you didn’t like it, and as a parent, you might even ALWAYS like it, but it’s the child’s perception we’re talking about here). It also may create an onus on the child to always try to produce a similar response, rather than create for the sake of creating. > great", etc. can’t hurt. I personally love all the scribble pictues my > twenty-month-old presents to me, and I let him see my genuine > reaction. I’m not about to withhold praise in the fear he’ll become > arrogant. Again, in varying degrees, there’s nothing wrong with > consistently praising your child’s accomplishments, no matter what > they are. Besides, I’d rather err on the side of too much, instead of > not enough. > -Amy W, > (Mom to Sam, 6/3/95)
Arrogance isn’t the issue. We’re talking about the difference between outward and inward motivation. It is not healthy for adults to be motivated by what others want; we’ll never be happy that way. If you praise your child too much, you may unwittingly contribute to his development into an adult who needs constant praise in order to feel good about himself or who is unable to do anythign for the sheer joy of it. Yes, of course excessive praise is better than abuse, but that’s like saying it’s better to meddle in your child’s affairs and be overbearing than to ignore him and act completely disinterested. You can share his joy in his own accomplishments, you just have to be careful not to create a need for praise in your child. This, from a mom who has a difficult time*not*praising my incredibly beautiful, talented child who is god’s gift to humanity ! Seriously, though, it is something I struggle with, and I suggest anyone with an interest in this topic check out Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards. He’s also interviewed in Issue number 101 of Growing Without Schooling. Aloha, Gillian
Response:
> >I’ve been reading in a number of sources >that it’s not good to praise your child too much! >:(
this calls up a memory for me of my little sister…-beautiful- girl. When we were quite small, she was practically my doll in that i was constantly dressing her up…fixing her hair..etc. One day, at my grandmother’s house, I made a fairy dress for her from pink transparent trash bags (what we were doing with plastic bags is beyond me). When it was finished i exclaimed, OH!! you’re -so- pretty…oh you look so so pretty!!" She happily skipped out to my grandmother to show her the dress. "Look! I’m so pretty." she said. My grandmother replied, "now we don’t say those things" and actually swatted her on the legs. She threw the dress off and ran out crying. I felt the first feelings of anger i can remember…knowing how incredibly unjust the world can be. My sister was a cheerleader years later and wanted nothing more from life than to be liked by everyone and to be told that she was great…pretty. She married a football player, now a gung-ho marine…who almost completely controls her and has even hit her. Why couldn’t she have been reassured of her worth by ppl who care for her? How could there have been too much of that? She now gets too much assurance that she is worthLESS.
Response:
: > : > This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources : > that it’s not good to praise your child too much! That of course depends on your definitons of praise. Telling a kid Hes a good boy. Or something else equally none specific is not good. Kids need specific feed back. "Mike, I really appreciate your help with supper tonight" "Vicky I really enjoy doing dishes with you" (Of course my mind goes blank when I need to be specific. Kids need to know what they’ve done that was right, what they did that makes them a "good boy" (I hate the expresion my self) that way they can repeat the thing they did that was so terrific. The same works in revrse. Saying "You’re a bad girl" gives the kid nothin solid to go on. Saying "when you unroll the toilet paper all over the house it makes a mess and wastes the toilet paper" gives them what they did wrong. Empty praise is bad, Youre a good boy, you’re such a smart girl. etc… can give a kid an over inflated sense of him self. Positive feed back is much more solid, it helps them learn about what they do well and that helps their self essteem. — Heather Our Fantasies are the stepping stones to our realities.
Response:
Elena, In my opinion, I think that when a child comes up to you and shows you something that he/she did, accomplished, did right, it’s only natural to give them praise for a job well done. Everybody likes to be told that they did something right, or that they are doing a good job. Don’t you like being praised? I think it give them the confidence to try other things and to give them self-confidence and not over-confidence. Good examples of words could be like, "You did a really good job on the painting(drawing, etc). I’m proud of you for helping me around the house (picking up your toys, etc.) You behaved very well at grandma’s(aunt’s, etc, whatever) Congratulations on getting an A(or B, or "doing your best") I think this whole idea of too much praise is getting a little out of hand. Yes, a child needs to learn independence, but how can they if they are unsure of their actions, and their parents don’t praise them for their efforts? Tina
Response:
>I wrote the original post on too much praise and now I can see the difference >as explained above. So…how to praise without short-circuiting the authentic >self-esteem? Are there signs that we’re doing it wrong or right? How much is >too much? Examples would be nice (like the toes wiggling in a previous post)! >Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
Maybe this is the kind of line we should draw: praise given in varying degrees. For example, there should be things that children do that draw our wildest applause (finally getting the 10/10 on the spelling test after so much hard work, achieving a goal), things that recieve genuine, loving praise (drawing a picture, building something with blocks, etc.), and things that draw a sort of "high five" praise (completing expected responsibilities correctly and when asked, i.e. cleaning up the bedroom, helping clear the table). I suppose we don’t want to go overboard and lose our minds when they do things they’re supposed to do, but certainly saying "Good job, yuor room looks great", etc. can’t hurt. I personally love all the scribble pictues my twenty-month-old presents to me, and I let him see my genuine reaction. I’m not about to withhold praise in the fear he’ll become arrogant. Again, in varying degrees, there’s nothing wrong with consistently praising your child’s accomplishments, no matter what they are. Besides, I’d rather err on the side of too much, instead of not enough. -Amy W, (Mom to Sam, 6/3/95) Amy Windmill, General Manager windmill fraser multimedia – http://www.wfmm.com/
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(snip) >I think the principle is to allow the child to develop her sense of self >esteem primarily from her own evaluation – to be first-handed in her >approach. To use her own mind in her evaluation of herself. With >authentic self esteem one is able to say "I’m good" as oppossed to "I’m >good because …mommy approves of me, I’m popular, I’m a fast runner, etc" >That is pseudo self-esteem based on defense values which can be ripped away >the instant the approval, the popularity, etc changes or is withdrawn.
(snip) I wrote the original post on too much praise and now I can see the difference as explained above. So…how to praise without short-circuiting the authentic self-esteem? Are there signs that we’re doing it wrong or right? How much is too much? Examples would be nice (like the toes wiggling in a previous post)! Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
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>I’ve been reading in a number of sources >that it’s not good to praise your child too much!
I think the potential for "too much" goes with praising stuff which should be satisfying for it’s own sake. The example I saw was an infant who could wiggle his toes to make the rattles on his socks sound. He needn’t be praised "Oh, what a big boy! You shook your toes!" because the audio feedback of the rattle sound was sufficient reward to make him want to repeat the effort. – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity.
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I think this is a fascinating question. I’m 36 year old soon to be mother. My own mother and I have discussed this issue with great interest. We have been reading parenting books and discussing the ideas in relation to each of our own childhoods and what it was like for her as a parent. Now that we have learned more about *authentic* self-esteem she has changed some of her thinking and is encouraging me to apply the ideas we have examined which includes being careful with praise. My own introspection on my development leads me to think there is value, for parents, to examine our motivation and style when praising. There is a difference between "You are a GOOD girl because you did that job" and "I like the way you did that job." I think the principle is to allow the child to develop her sense of self esteem primarily from her own evaluation – to be first-handed in her approach. To use her own mind in her evaluation of herself. With authentic self esteem one is able to say "I’m good" as oppossed to "I’m good because …mommy approves of me, I’m popular, I’m a fast runner, etc" That is pseudo self-esteem based on defense values which can be ripped away the instant the approval, the popularity, etc changes or is withdrawn. A child with pseudo-self-esteem is in a vulnerable position. The thought of our babies being vulnerable to people tearing them down is painful! Maria Montessori emphasized the importance of the child pushing to improve herself from within as opposed to a desire to please the teacher. I admire you for wondering about this question. Some references I’ve enjoyed: Your Child’s Self Esteem, by Dorothy Corkville Briggs (We call this the happy baby book because there is such a joyous child on the cover!) How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish A wonderful organization: Resources for Infant Educarers 1550 Murray Circle, Los Angeles, CA 90026 This organization promotes the work of Magda Gerber. The key word in her approach is RESPECT for the baby and the parent. I understand that her ideas are discussed in the child development courses in universities in California, but so far she isn’t big in the popular press. I bought the manual and some of the videos. Lovely ideas. *I learned about these references from a friend who has raised her son to be a wonderful young man. Laurel – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources > that it’s not good to praise your child too much! Too much attention like > this, the sources say, teaches your child that doing good or well is only to > get parental approval and so they won’t do good things or achieve new skills > unless praise is at hand (and not for the sake of doing good or well). > I lavish lots of praise on our 1-year-old when she does something I ask, eats > well, achieves a new skill, was charming to guests, etc. I can’t believe this > will harm her in the future, but I wonder…. > Any experiences or comments out there? > Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
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> This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources > that it’s not good to praise your child too much! Too much attention like > this, the sources say, teaches your child that doing good or well is only to > get parental approval and so they won’t do good things or achieve new skills > unless praise is at hand (and not for the sake of doing good or well).
I have wondered about this too. I was flipping through "Kids are Worth It" by Coloroso and, while I thought she had some really good ideas, there were a few things that I thought were weird. She said that, when a child brings home a test from school, you should just ask them to tell you about it, you shouldn’t automatically praise them. So, when John came home from school with his first 10/10 ever in spelling (he tried so hard and felt so bad every time he missed it), I’m should have stood there with a deadpan face and say "I see you got 10/10. Would you like to tell me about it?" On different note, I really liked one of her "alternatives to NO", the one where you say "Yes, later", instead of "No, later". It really makes a difference. Whiney Child: "Can I have a cookie, can I, can I, pleeeeeezzzzze?" Me: "Yes, after supper." Whiney Child: -boggle- / _ o _ Lauria Blackwell Big sister to John (8) and Robyn (6)
Response:
Blackwell) writes: >She said that, when a child >brings home a test from school, you should just ask them to tell you >about it, you shouldn’t automatically praise them. So, when John came >home from school with his first 10/10 ever in spelling (he tried so hard >and felt so bad every time he missed it), I’m should have stood there with >a deadpan face and say "I see you got 10/10. Would you like to tell me >about it?"
I totally disagree with that method! I mean a kid tries & tries his heart out & instead of saying that you are proud of his accomplishments, you just tell him to tell you about it? Whoever wrote this book is totally insane! You praise a child for the effort they did and being able to succeed in the task that was put forth in front of them, and encouraging them to be the best that they can be. And by doing that, it will help them to become a more confident & secure person.
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I look at it this way. My husband and I only have so many years to build up our daughter before the rest of the world starts trying to tear her down. We’re going to praise her as much as possible for both the big and small things she does, and We’ll do this until the day we die! Shannon (mom to Arianna 21 months) >This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources >that it’s not good to praise your child too much! Too much attention like >this, the sources say, teaches your child that doing good or well is only to >get parental approval and so they won’t do good things or achieve new skills >unless praise is at hand (and not for the sake of doing good or well). >I lavish lots of praise on our 1-year-old when she does something I ask, eats >well, achieves a new skill, was charming to guests, etc. I can’t believe this >will harm her in the future, but I wonder…. >Any experiences or comments out there? >Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
When you are a bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it. Pooh’s Little Instruction Book
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I think it’s important to reassure our children when they do the right things. And reminded when they are not. How else will they learn unless we tell them? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources > that it’s not good to praise your child too much!
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I think it is ridiculous this whole "Praising Your Kids Too Much". We as parents, are here to encourage our kids in their skills. When my daughter enters school (she’s only a year & a half right now), & she brings home paintings or drawings or anything she has done, created, learned, I will always praise her and tell her that I am proud of her! I think it is ludicruous of any parent not to praise their children and tell them what a good job they did! Any person, including adults like to be praised when they accomplish something. Tina
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> I think it is ridiculous this whole "Praising Your Kids Too Much". We as > parents, are here to encourage our kids in their skills. When my daughter > enters school (she’s only a year & a half right now), & she brings home > paintings or drawings or anything she has done, created, learned, I will > always praise her and tell her that I am proud of her! I think it is > ludicruous of any parent not to praise their children and tell them what a > good job they did! Any person, including adults like to be praised when > they accomplish something. > Tina
I praise my 5 year old daughter lavishly and she improves with this and tries harder. My son had the opposite effect where he needed everyone to tell him he was the greatest. He’d act out if he wasn’t treated like the only one that mattered. Sincere, honest praise of efforts and sometimes results if there are any on a child’s part are wonderful if the child is not compared to others by being the best. That’s what my experience has been with my kids… Maureen
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I look at it this way. My husband and I only have so many years to > build up our daughter before the rest of the world starts trying to > tear her down. We’re going to praise her as much as possible for both > the big and small things she does, and We’ll do this until the day we > die! > Shannon (mom to Arianna 21 months) >This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources >that it’s not good to praise your child too much! Too much attention like >this, the sources say, teaches your child that doing good or well is only to >get parental approval and so they won’t do good things or achieve new skills >unless praise is at hand (and not for the sake of doing good or well). >I lavish lots of praise on our 1-year-old when she does something I ask, eats >well, achieves a new skill, was charming to guests, etc. I can’t believe this >will harm her in the future, but I wonder…. >Any experiences or comments out there? >Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96) > When you are a bear of Very Little Brain, > and you Think of Things, you find sometimes > that a Thing which seemed very Thingish > inside you is quite different when it gets > out into the open and has other people looking > at it. > Pooh’s Little Instruction Book
As long as they’re taught to be considerate of others feelings and not have to be the center of attention all the time, praise is good. They learn how to give praise if they get it. Maureen
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> This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources > that it’s not good to praise your child too much!
I know. I’ve read some of this, too, and I think it’s a bunch of hooey! The world gives our children PLENTY of negative feedback. Every time a kid falls off a bike or gets hit by a swing, their environment has told them that they messed up. We need to tell them when they do right! Personally, I am EXTREMELY generous with praise for my kids. And it works. My oldest (16) is generous, smart, and fun. And I’ve been telling her so for a long time. She has shown an extraordinary ability to resist peer pressure and stay out of trouble. A few years ago, she had to make a series of VERY tough decisions. After it was all over, I asked her why she hadn’t succumbed to the peer pressure. She said, "Peer pressure works because people want to be cool. Me, I KNOW I’m cool." Maybe I had nothing to do with this, but I’ve surely been telling her she was "cool" for all of her life. (She would be embarassed to know that I was telling this story, because she thinks that her comment sounds immodest.) So, if my experience is any test, I can say to you: Yes, you should praise your children. Praise them honestly and at every opportunity. When they’ve been misbehaving the most, SEARCH for opportunities to praise them. Tell them that they are bright, and helpful, and funny. Make it clear what you like, and that’s what they will become. Donna Kinney
Response:
This may be coincidence, but lately I’ve been reading in a number of sources that it’s not good to praise your child too much! Too much attention like this, the sources say, teaches your child that doing good or well is only to get parental approval and so they won’t do good things or achieve new skills unless praise is at hand (and not for the sake of doing good or well). I lavish lots of praise on our 1-year-old when she does something I ask, eats well, achieves a new skill, was charming to guests, etc. I can’t believe this will harm her in the future, but I wonder…. Any experiences or comments out there? Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)
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