Pure Parents

Question:

> >You would think that in all this you said I could find at least one thing >to disagree with you on but on substance I can’t.  Since I hate to leave it >at that and not be the asshole that I worked hard at to become I will say I >do not like the way your post is formatted.  <g> > hehehe… You are funny Dana.

I told you that I agreed with you too much and in that statement above I have to also agree.  <g> > Dorothy > There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown

– "Some have brains, and some haven’t," Pooh says, "and there it is."

Response:

You would think that in all this you said I could find at least one thing to disagree with you on but on substance I can’t.  Since I hate to leave it at that and not be the asshole that I worked hard at to become I will say I do not like the way your post is formatted.  <g> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > While the thrust of this article seems to offer some suggestions, > I have some real problems with some of the suggestions it offers > to parents because it seems to place the blame for violence on > guns and media in some instances. Comments individually on some > of this below.  I think that the warning signs listed must be taken > with a grain of salt also, since kids may exhibit some of them > without actually having a violence problem.  Taken together they > may indicate a need for consultation, but any one in isolation might > just be an indication of a child who is angry and needs to vent or > who happens to like horror stories.  YMMV, imo. > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > Content-Type: message/rfc822 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit > Content-Disposition: inline > Newsgroups: alt.activism.children > X-Priority: 3 > X-MSMail-Priority: Normal > X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2615.200 > X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2615.200 > NNTP-Posting-Host: news1.uncensored-news.com > Organization: Uncensored-News.Com $9.95 Uncensored Newsgroups. > Path: > news.alt.net!su-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!londen1-snf1.gtei.net!news.gtei > .net!diablo.theplanet.net!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!newsfe > eds.belnet.be!news.belnet.be!nexus.news.chello.be!news.tvd.be!feed.news > feeds.com!newsfeeds.com!news.planetc.com!traffic.uncensored-news.com!ne > ws1.uncensored-news.com!news1.uncensored-news.com > Xref: news alt.activism.children:72064 > Raising Children to Resist Violence: What You Can Do > —– > —- > Research has shown that violent or aggressive behavior is often > learned early in life. However, parents, family members, and > others who care for children can help them learn to deal with > emotions without using violence. Parents and others can also > take steps to reduce or minimize violence. > Agreed that the key is learned violence early in life. > This brochure is designed to help parents work within the family, > school, and community to prevent and reduce youth violence. > Suggestions for Dealing With Children > Parents play a valuable role in reducing violence by raising > children in safe and loving homes. Here are suggestions that > can help. You may not be able to follow each one exactly, but > if you do your best, it will make a difference in your children’s > lives. > Give your children consistent love and attention > Again agreed.  This is the most important thing a parent can > do and it’s not easy given how stressed parents are these days. > One thing this brochure doesn’t mention is that parents must > take care of themselves in order to give their children what > they need. So parents need time alone, time together as adults > and good time with their children if this is to work. > Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent > or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense > of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is > at risk for becoming hostile, difficult, and hard to manage. > Behavior problems and delinquency are less likely to develop in > children whose parents are involved in their lives, especially > at an early age. > It’s not easy to show love to a child all the time. It can be even > harder if you are a young, inexperienced, or single parent, or if > your child is sick or has special needs. If your baby seems > unusually difficult to care for and comfort, discuss this with > your child’s pediatrician, another physician, a  psychologist, > or a counselor. He or she can give you advice and direct you > to local parenting classes that teach positive ways to handle the > difficulties of raising children. > It is important to remember that children have minds of their own. > Children’s increasing independence sometimes leads them to behave > in ways that disappoint, anger, or frustrate you. Patience and a > willingness to view the situation through the children’s eyes, > before reacting, can help you deal with your emotions. Do your > best to avoid responding to your children with hostile words or > actions. > This also is good, but it needs some specific expansion, imo. > First, look at children’s behavior as showing their needs and > realize that children want to please you.  Kids are not trying > to get to you when they do things you dislike.  They may be > exploring the world which is necessary for cognitive development > or they may be expressing their anger or pain or frustration > in the only way they know how. Think of *mis*behavior as teachable > moments instead of as behaviors that must be forcibly changed. > Make sure your children are supervised > Children depend on their parents and family members for > encouragement, protection, and support as they learn to think > for themselves. Without proper supervision, children do not > receive the guidance they need. Studies report that unsupervised > children often have behavior problems. > We also must not over-supevise, though. > While I think it is important to know where your children are > and what they are doing, I also think kids need down time and > private spaces away from adults if they are to get to know their > own feelings and dreams. > Insist on knowing where your children are at all times and who > their friends are. When you are unable to watch your children, > ask someone you trust to watch them for you. Never leave young > children home alone, even for a short time. > Agreed that kids must have access to adult help and so leaving them > at home alone is a bad idea.  Still they do not have to be in the > same room with adults all the time.  They do have to know that an > adult is available immediately if they need help. > Encourage your school-aged and older children to participate in > supervised after-school activities such as sports teams, tutoring > programs, or organized recreation. Enroll them in local community > programs, especially those run by adults whose values you respect. > Again, while this is ok, we tend to overprogram our children today. > I would be careful not to overstimulate the kids by having them > always in planned activities.  Kids need time to be *bored.*  It’s > good for their creativity.  And kids need alone time, just as adults > do. When they are always in groups, they can’t *hear* their own > thinking. > Accompany your children to supervised play activities and watch how > they get along with others. Teach your children how to respond > appropriately when others use insults or threats or deal with > anger by hitting. Explain to your children that these are not > appropriate behaviors, and encourage them to avoid other children > who behave that way. > Yes, teach conflict resolution and problem solving whenever the > opportunity presents itself. Role play situations where conflict > might arise with your kids so they have a whole repetoire of > good responses they have practice in using. > Show your children appropriate behaviors by the way you act > Children often learn by example. The behavior, values, and > attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on > children. Values of respect,  honesty, and pride in your family > and heritage can be important sources of strength for children, > especially if they are confronted with negative peer pressure, > live in a violent neighborhood, or attend a rough school. > Often, more like always.  Children learn what they live, so > parents must model any behavior they want their children to > learn. If you want your kids to settle conflict peacefully, then > show them how by settling conflicts between you and your spouse > or you and your friends. > Most children sometimes act aggressively and may hit another > person. Be firm with your children about the possible dangers of > violent behavior.  Remember also to praise your children when > they solve problems constructively without violence. Children > are more likely to repeat good behaviors when they are > rewarded with attention and praise. > You can teach your children nonaggressive ways to solve problems by: > Discussing problems with them, > Asking them to consider what might happen if they use violence to > solve problems, and > Talking about what might happen if they solve problems without > violence. > This kind of ‘thinking out loud’ together will help children see > that violence is not a helpful solution. > All of the above are good suggestions, imho. > Parents sometimes encourage aggressive behavior without knowing > it. For example, some parents think it is good for a boy to > learn to fight.  Teach your children that it is better to settle > arguments with calm words, not fists, threats, or weapons. > Help your children learn constructive, nonviolent ways to enjoy > their free time. Teach them your

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Response:

[ Attached Message ]

To: Local:

Ping Dana, Toto – and another one Raising Children to Resist Violence: What You Can Do —- Research has shown that violent or aggressive behavior is often learned early in life. However, parents, family members, and others who care for children can help them learn to deal with emotions without using violence. Parents and others can also take steps to reduce or minimize violence. This brochure is designed to help parents work within the family, school, and community to prevent and reduce youth violence. Suggestions for Dealing With Children Parents play a valuable role in reducing violence by raising children in safe and loving homes. Here are suggestions that can help. You may not be able to follow each one exactly, but if you do your best, it will make a difference in your children’s lives. Give your children consistent love and attention Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is at risk for becoming hostile, difficult, and hard to manage. Behavior problems and delinquency are less likely to develop in children whose parents are involved in their lives, especially at an early age. It’s not easy to show love to a child all the time. It can be even harder if you are a young, inexperienced, or single parent, or if your child is sick or has special needs. If your baby seems unusually difficult to care for and comfort, discuss this with your child’s pediatrician, another physician, a psychologist, or a counselor. He or she can give you advice and direct you to local parenting classes that teach positive ways to handle the difficulties of raising children. It is important to remember that children have minds of their own. Children’s increasing independence sometimes leads them to behave in ways that disappoint, anger, or frustrate you. Patience and a willingness to view the situation through the children’s eyes, before reacting, can help you deal with your emotions. Do your best to avoid responding to your children with hostile words or actions. Make sure your children are supervised Children depend on their parents and family members for encouragement, protection, and support as they learn to think for themselves. Without proper supervision, children do not receive the guidance they need. Studies report that unsupervised children often have behavior problems. Insist on knowing where your children are at all times and who their friends are. When you are unable to watch your children, ask someone you trust to watch them for you. Never leave young children home alone, even for a short time. Encourage your school-aged and older children to participate in supervised after-school activities such as sports teams, tutoring programs, or organized recreation. Enroll them in local community programs, especially those run by adults whose values you respect. Accompany your children to supervised play activities and watch how they get along with others. Teach your children how to respond appropriately when others use insults or threats or deal with anger by hitting. Explain to your children that these are not appropriate behaviors, and encourage them to avoid other children who behave that way. Show your children appropriate behaviors by the way you act Children often learn by example. The behavior, values, and attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on children. Values of respect, honesty, and pride in your family and heritage can be important sources of strength for children, especially if they are confronted with negative peer pressure, live in a violent neighborhood, or attend a rough school. Most children sometimes act aggressively and may hit another person. Be firm with your children about the possible dangers of violent behavior. Remember also to praise your children when they solve problems constructively without violence. Children are more likely to repeat good behaviors when they are rewarded with attention and praise. You can teach your children nonaggressive ways to solve problems by: Discussing problems with them, Asking them to consider what might happen if they use violence to solve problems, and Talking about what might happen if they solve problems without violence. This kind of ‘thinking out loud’ together will help children see that violence is not a helpful solution. Parents sometimes encourage aggressive behavior without knowing it. For example, some parents think it is good for a boy to learn to fight. Teach your children that it is better to settle arguments with calm words, not fists, threats, or weapons. Help your children learn constructive, nonviolent ways to enjoy their free time. Teach them your favorite games, hobbies, or sports, and help them develop their own talents and skills. Read stories to younger children, take older children to the library, or tell family stories about admired relatives who have made the world a better place. Don’t hit your children Hitting, slapping, or spanking children as punishment shows them that it’s okay to hit others to solve problems and can train them to punish others in the same way they were punished. Physical punishments stop unwanted behavior only for a short time. Even with very harsh punishment, children may adapt so that it has little or no effect. Using even more punishment is equally ineffective. Nonphysical methods of discipline help children deal with their emotions and teach them nonviolent ways to solve problems. Here are some suggestions: Giving children ‘time out’ — making the children sit quietly, usually 1 minute for each year of age (this is not appropriate for very young children), Taking away certain privileges or treats, ‘Grounding’ — not allowing the children to play with friends or participate in school or community activities (this is only appropriate for older children or adolescents). Punishment that involves taking away privileges or ‘grounding’ should be consistently applied for realistic, brief periods. Children need to feel that if they make mistakes, they can correct them. Show them how to learn from their errors. Help them figure out what they did wrong and how they can avoid making similar mistakes in the future. It is especially important not to embarrass or humiliate your child at these times. Children always need to feel your love and respect. A positive approach to changing behaviors is to emphasize rewards for good behavior instead of punishments for bad behavior. Remember that praise and affection are the best rewards. Be consistent about rules and discipline When you make a rule, stick to it. Children need structure with clear expectations for their behavior. Setting rules and then not enforcing them is confusing and sets up children to ’see what they can get away with.’ Parents should involve children in setting rules whenever possible. Explain to your children what you expect, and the consequences for not following the rules. This will help them learn to behave in ways that are good for them and for those around them. Make sure your children do not have access to guns Guns and children can be a deadly combination. Teach your children about the dangers of firearms or other weapons if you own and use them. If you keep a gun in your home, unload it and lock it up separately from the bullets. Never store firearms where children can find them, even if unloaded. Don’t carry a gun or a weapon. If you do, this tells your children that using guns solves problems. Try to keep your children from seeing violence in the home or community. Violence in the home can be frightening and harmful to children. Children need a safe and loving home where they do not have to grow up in fear. A child who has seen violence at home does not always become violent, but he or she may be more likely to try to resolve conflicts with violence. Work toward making home a safe, nonviolent place, and always discourage violent behavior between brothers and sisters. Keep in mind as well that hostile, aggressive arguments between parents frighten children and set a bad example for them. If the people in your home physically or verbally hurt and abuse each other, get help from a psychologist or counselor in your community. He or she will help you and your family understand why violence at home occurs and how to stop it. Sometimes children cannot avoid seeing violence in the street, at school, or at home, and they may need help in dealing with these frightening experiences. A psychologist or counselor at school or a religious leader are among those who can help them cope with their feelings. Try to keep your children from seeing too much violence in the media Seeing a lot of violence on television, in the movies, and in video games can lead children to behave aggressively. As a parent, you can control the amount of violence your children see in the media. Here are some ideas: Limit television viewing time to 1 to 2 hours a day. Make sure you know what TV shows your children watch, which movies they see, and what kinds of video games they play. Talk to your children about the violence that they see on TV shows, in the movies, and in video games. Help them understand how painful it would be in real life and the serious consequences for violent behaviors. Discuss with them ways to solve problems without violence. Teach your children ways to avoid becoming victims of violence It is important that you and your children learn to take precautions against becoming the victims of a violent crime. Here are some important steps that you can take to keep yourself and your children safe: Teach your children safe routes for walking in your neighborhood Encourage them to walk with a friend at all times and only in well-lighted, busy areas. Stress how … read more »

Response:

While the thrust of this article seems to offer some suggestions, I have some real problems with some of the suggestions it offers to parents because it seems to place the blame for violence on guns and media in some instances. Comments individually on some of this below.  I think that the warning signs listed must be taken with a grain of salt also, since kids may exhibit some of them without actually having a violence problem.  Taken together they may indicate a need for consultation, but any one in isolation might just be an indication of a child who is angry and needs to vent or who happens to like horror stories.  YMMV, imo. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > Content-Type: message/rfc822 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit > Content-Disposition: inline > Newsgroups: alt.activism.children > X-Priority: 3 > X-MSMail-Priority: Normal > X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2615.200 > X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2615.200 > NNTP-Posting-Host: news1.uncensored-news.com > Organization: Uncensored-News.Com $9.95 Uncensored Newsgroups. > Path:

news.alt.net!su-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!londen1-snf1.gtei.net!news.gtei .net!diablo.theplanet.net!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!newsfe eds.belnet.be!news.belnet.be!nexus.news.chello.be!news.tvd.be!feed.news feeds.com!newsfeeds.com!news.planetc.com!traffic.uncensored-news.com!ne ws1.uncensored-news.com!news1.uncensored-news.com > Xref: news alt.activism.children:72064 > Raising Children to Resist Violence: What You Can Do

—– > —- > Research has shown that violent or aggressive behavior is often > learned early in life. However, parents, family members, and > others who care for children can help them learn to deal with > emotions without using violence. Parents and others can also > take steps to reduce or minimize violence.

Agreed that the key is learned violence early in life. > This brochure is designed to help parents work within the family, > school, and community to prevent and reduce youth violence. > Suggestions for Dealing With Children > Parents play a valuable role in reducing violence by raising > children in safe and loving homes. Here are suggestions that > can help. You may not be able to follow each one exactly, but > if you do your best, it will make a difference in your children’s > lives. > Give your children consistent love and attention

Again agreed.  This is the most important thing a parent can do and it’s not easy given how stressed parents are these days. One thing this brochure doesn’t mention is that parents must take care of themselves in order to give their children what they need. So parents need time alone, time together as adults and good time with their children if this is to work. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent > or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense > of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is > at risk for becoming hostile, difficult, and hard to manage. > Behavior problems and delinquency are less likely to develop in > children whose parents are involved in their lives, especially > at an early age. > It’s not easy to show love to a child all the time. It can be even > harder if you are a young, inexperienced, or single parent, or if > your child is sick or has special needs. If your baby seems > unusually difficult to care for and comfort, discuss this with > your child’s pediatrician, another physician, a  psychologist, > or a counselor. He or she can give you advice and direct you > to local parenting classes that teach positive ways to handle the > difficulties of raising children. > It is important to remember that children have minds of their own. > Children’s increasing independence sometimes leads them to behave > in ways that disappoint, anger, or frustrate you. Patience and a > willingness to view the situation through the children’s eyes, > before reacting, can help you deal with your emotions. Do your > best to avoid responding to your children with hostile words or > actions.

This also is good, but it needs some specific expansion, imo. First, look at children’s behavior as showing their needs and realize that children want to please you.  Kids are not trying to get to you when they do things you dislike.  They may be exploring the world which is necessary for cognitive development or they may be expressing their anger or pain or frustration in the only way they know how. Think of *mis*behavior as teachable moments instead of as behaviors that must be forcibly changed. > Make sure your children are supervised > Children depend on their parents and family members for > encouragement, protection, and support as they learn to think > for themselves. Without proper supervision, children do not > receive the guidance they need. Studies report that unsupervised > children often have behavior problems.

We also must not over-supevise, though. While I think it is important to know where your children are and what they are doing, I also think kids need down time and private spaces away from adults if they are to get to know their own feelings and dreams. > Insist on knowing where your children are at all times and who > their friends are. When you are unable to watch your children, > ask someone you trust to watch them for you. Never leave young > children home alone, even for a short time.

Agreed that kids must have access to adult help and so leaving them at home alone is a bad idea.  Still they do not have to be in the same room with adults all the time.  They do have to know that an adult is available immediately if they need help. > Encourage your school-aged and older children to participate in > supervised after-school activities such as sports teams, tutoring > programs, or organized recreation. Enroll them in local community > programs, especially those run by adults whose values you respect.

Again, while this is ok, we tend to overprogram our children today. I would be careful not to overstimulate the kids by having them always in planned activities.  Kids need time to be *bored.*  It’s good for their creativity.  And kids need alone time, just as adults do. When they are always in groups, they can’t *hear* their own thinking. > Accompany your children to supervised play activities and watch how > they get along with others. Teach your children how to respond > appropriately when others use insults or threats or deal with > anger by hitting. Explain to your children that these are not > appropriate behaviors, and encourage them to avoid other children > who behave that way.

Yes, teach conflict resolution and problem solving whenever the opportunity presents itself. Role play situations where conflict might arise with your kids so they have a whole repetoire of good responses they have practice in using. > Show your children appropriate behaviors by the way you act > Children often learn by example. The behavior, values, and > attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on > children. Values of respect,  honesty, and pride in your family > and heritage can be important sources of strength for children, > especially if they are confronted with negative peer pressure, > live in a violent neighborhood, or attend a rough school.

Often, more like always.  Children learn what they live, so parents must model any behavior they want their children to learn. If you want your kids to settle conflict peacefully, then show them how by settling conflicts between you and your spouse or you and your friends. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Most children sometimes act aggressively and may hit another > person. Be firm with your children about the possible dangers of > violent behavior.  Remember also to praise your children when > they solve problems constructively without violence. Children > are more likely to repeat good behaviors when they are > rewarded with attention and praise. > You can teach your children nonaggressive ways to solve problems by: > Discussing problems with them, > Asking them to consider what might happen if they use violence to > solve problems, and > Talking about what might happen if they solve problems without > violence. > This kind of ‘thinking out loud’ together will help children see > that violence is not a helpful solution.

All of the above are good suggestions, imho. > Parents sometimes encourage aggressive behavior without knowing > it. For example, some parents think it is good for a boy to > learn to fight.  Teach your children that it is better to settle > arguments with calm words, not fists, threats, or weapons. > Help your children learn constructive, nonviolent ways to enjoy > their free time. Teach them your favorite games, hobbies, or > sports, and help them develop their own talents and skills. > Read stories to younger children, take older children to the > library, or tell family stories about admired relatives who > have made the world a better place.

Also read stories where people settle conflicts peacefully and where character traits you want to encourage are exhibited by the characters in the story.  Encourage empathy for others when you read stories by asking children how they think the characters feel about what happened. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Don’t hit your children > Hitting, slapping, or spanking children as punishment shows > them that it’s okay to hit others to solve problems and can

… read more »

Response: