Pure Parents

Question:

Hi! I think you are all in a very difficult situation. The co-op obviously started with very good intentions, but now you have hit a problem any you don’t have the systems set up to deal with it. In the UK, we have similar groups with heavy parental involvement.  However, we are all supported by ‘umbrella groups’ who provide training and advice, and we all have policies and guidelines to work by.  We work to the same standard as private nurseries.  This is vital. If you are working in isolation you have to re-invent the wheel!  The solution to your problem exists, but you seem to be trying to work it out from first principles. It really isn’t healthy to have a group of parents trying to decide how to deal with this child.  Every child needs a level of confidentiality around their education.  (Just think how it might be in ten years time, when he is doing well in school.  All the parents involved in the co-op will still view him as ‘that disturbed, sociopathic kid.  That’s not fair.)  You ned to be led by a highly trained worker who is well supported. I also feel concerned that the parents who speak little English seem to be sidelined.  It should be the teacher’s responsibility to make all parents feel equally involved. He possibly is just a rather immature child, but he needs firm boundaries, and skilled teaching.  If the teacher can’t provide that she either needs extra training, someone else to help her or to ask the parents to try a different setting.  She has not given you the confidence that she can manage the situation, so probably she can’t. One trained worker is not enough for the group – there needs to be a staff group to support each other.  Perhaps one of the parents could train? I hope you find some help.  Bear in mind that this problem is going to arise time and time again – children like this are not particularly unusual. Kay – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I need some input from the "been there, done that" group of parents here.

Response:

Thanks Kay, all the comments open new doors of thought for me. I did not make it clear this is school has been ongoing for quite some time, it’s just that the teacher is new.  There are procedures, etc in place, we’re just having a hard time getting this new teacher to realize there is a Real problem here. None of us are trying to decide how to deal with this child, we (I) are trying to gather information on how to approach the teacher about taking this to the next level I suppose.  I think, bottom line, in this age of political correctness, people are just so hesitant to speak up for fear of offending someone else.  I understand being polite, but we here have crossed the line into personal safety issues. (BTW-Ian has been having dreams lately about Cody giving him trouble in school.)  You’re right that the teacher has not given us enough to have confidence in her! Don’t get me wrong – she is Really Nice!!! – it’s just that this particular situation needs more expertise and I would really like to approach her with some definite things for HER to take to the parents. I think it’s difficult too, as a parent, to be on the receiving end of this distruption.  You have to really wonder (at least I do) how much is bad behavior and how much is intolerance of being "different".  I think that is why the teacher is having such a hard time – she is trying to be tolerant and understanding in a situation that is proving itself to be beyond this approach. Just two other FYI quickies – this co-op is only for PreS – 3-5 yo’s, then we are all expected to go to our own school districts for formal education starting with Kindergarten.  There are only 2 PreS co-ops in this area and they are been around for quite a long time.  These "schools" focus many on getting along with other kids, manners, basic ABC’s & numbers, etc.  Also, on the non-English family – they are from Thailand.  We are not trying to exclude them, quite on the contrary, we go to lengths to Include them, however, they seem more comfortable simply dropping their child off and knodding hello.  They get visibly uncomfortable with the language barrier when you try to get into any real conversation.  It seems more respectful of them and their culture to allow them their privacy and not try to corner them into conversation.  Also, an interesting note, our class is mostly boys, and it’s mainly the boys taking most of the abuse.  The girls tend to stick together as a group.  The Thai family has a daughter and she has, so far, not received very much negative attention from Cody.  Although, with Cody spending time with the teacher after class, I have noticed that he is demonstrating more agression now toward’s the teacher’s DD in the classroom setting.  What a Mess!!! Thanks again for your input. L

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi! > I think you are all in a very difficult situation. > The co-op obviously started with very good intentions, but now you have hit a > problem any you don’t have the systems set up to deal with it. > In the UK, we have similar groups with heavy parental involvement. However, we > are all supported by ‘umbrella groups’ who provide training and advice, and we > all have policies and guidelines to work by.  We work to the same standard as > private nurseries.  This is vital. If you are working in isolation you have to > re-invent the wheel!  The solution to your problem exists, but you seem to be > trying to work it out from first principles. > It really isn’t healthy to have a group of parents trying to decide how to deal > with this child.  Every child needs a level of confidentiality around their > education.  (Just think how it might be in ten years time, when he is doing well > in school.  All the parents involved in the co-op will still view him as ‘that > disturbed, sociopathic kid.  That’s not fair.)  You ned to be led by a highly > trained worker who is well supported. > I also feel concerned that the parents who speak little English seem to be > sidelined.  It should be the teacher’s responsibility to make all parents feel > equally involved. > He possibly is just a rather immature child, but he needs firm boundaries, and > skilled teaching.  If the teacher can’t provide that she either needs extra > training, someone else to help her or to ask the parents to try a different > setting.  She has not given you the confidence that she can manage the > situation, so probably she can’t. > One trained worker is not enough for the group – there needs to be a staff group > to support each other.  Perhaps one of the parents could train? > I hope you find some help.  Bear in mind that this problem is going to arise > time and time again – children like this are not particularly unusual. > Kay > I need some input from the "been there, done that" group of parents here.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thanks for your input Judy.  I haven’t seen any attitude changes yet, but > for a short time, the boys tried that trick of throwing objects randomly > behind them. I put a stop the that action quick!!  I guess what is bringing > this to a head (for me) is my own sons.  They had their 4 yo exam last > Monday and their Ped asked them about preschool.  The three of them were > chatting and he asked something like "Do you like playing with your friends > at preschool" (or something similar) and one boys replied "All except Cody > John, he’s a bully!" and the other piped in "Yeah, he hits us and takes our > work away."  That started a discussion between their Ped and I, and his > suggestion was to get the kid out of there immediately.  Then, the next day > at dinner, I noticed that one of my sons had a bit of blood inside his nose. > When I asked him, he said "Cody John hit me!" and the other said "Yeah, he > smacked him right in the nose."  We had a long talk about telling the > teacher about physical contact, and I remind them now when I drop them off > that NO ONE is allowed to hit ANYONE else.  I really am taking great care > not to prejudice my sons against this kid, so I try to make things as > general as I can.  My boys know that what is happening is not right and I > feel I am letting them down by not taking action.

You are not letting them down.  You are gathering information.  You’re not taking action in haste.  You’ve shown that by postiing the question here & getting as many inputs as possible.  With everyone’s answers & comments, you can better judge what you feel needs to be done.   Use reason, acknowledge your gut feelings on this  & you will know whether or not you have a good feeling about staying or whether you should  move on.  In the end, it is YOUR kid’s lives you are guiding and directing.  I’m sure you will make the right decision. The school, the teacher & the other little boy’s family will have to be the ones concerned with him.  Your responsibility is to your little guys. You asked about inexpensive child care.  You could gather a group of friends and share days at each other’s homes.  There are a variety of activities at local Recreation Centers, music, arts & crafts, sports, etc.  Our town library has story time for little people once a week. Some high schools have preschool teaching classes where you can leave a child for a few hours.  It may take some digging, but there are other options if you decide to change.  If you decide to stay, then that’s fine too.  Do you work?  Is he there for social activity with others his age or because you really need child care?  That of course is a big consideration.  Good Luck. Hugs, Judy

Response:

Thanks again Jude. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how hard it was NOT to march back into school and demand justice when Ian got socked in the nose! I’m trying to be really fair, especially in this situation, because I know I am setting examples for the boys with my own actions.  It’s amazing how much they pick up these days!! I’m constantly telling them that other kids aren’t "bad" – they just haven’t learned yet (to share, not to hit, to not have tantrums) and I encourage the boys to help set an example for them.  Another mom and I (friends prior to preschool) have been spending time on activities for her son and my boys.  We are lucky in that we could probably fill a calendar with different activities if we wanted to.  I’ve learned, from experience, to be more picky choosy, but we could make our own program if we had to. Actually, my sons will be homeschooled when they reach K age – 1