Question:
> It does not seem that abuseive behavior by a parent against a child is the > only recourse against a child who showes abusive behavior to an adault. > Perhaps the child is behaving that way because it is the only example he > has had or hopefully a examaple of behavior he has only seen one time and > wants to try it out.
My central point, exactly. How on earth can one justify an action that is intended to put a stop to an identical action? It’s ludicrous.
Response:
> Dear Tom,
I think I’d need more detail to come up with a sensible response, but I can offer a few ideas that may seem relevant to your situation. > If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment for > abusive behavior by kids?
First, I applaud your decision not to spank. I believe what spanking teaches is to respond to disrespect with violence, which I don’t believe is helpful or appropriate. Second, it sounds like you are really offended by your child’s outburst. To tell her/him that her response is unacceptable because you will not allow anyone to speak to you abusively, least of all your family member who lives with you. Explain that you realize she’s angry at you, but you will not tolerate such language aimed at you, such disrespect. Instead, you want her to say what she’s angry about, why she’s so angry, and what she wants to happen using words that ARE respectful. Get her to make a more appropriate response, one you CAN accept, right then, and to withdraw the unacceptable one RIGHT THEN, with a promise to use an acceptable response whenenver she is angry with you or anyone else from now on. Insist on all this before "letting her go". This is no place for negotiation, it’s a matter of your values and standards, and you will not budge on this. Stay calm and firm and quiet, rather than rant and rave, no matter how much she yells or gets upset. Now, if I’ve misread your attitude, if this sort of language is used in the family as a matter of course, then I’d have to think this out again with you, after you elucidate your objection. Let me know if you’ve found another solution, or what you think of this approach. E-mail direct for a quicker response. Larry — lArry M I T ‘63 |A N |N K SHERWOOD, NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND |K
Response:
:>If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment :>for abusive behavior by kids? :According to some of the arguments…the only alternative is to pat :them on the head and say "naughty child". There are methods of discipline that don’t involve hurting the child. Bookstrore abound with non-corporal, positive parenting books.
Response:
It does not seem that abuseive behavior by a parent against a child is the only recourse against a child who showes abusive behavior to an adault. Perhaps the child is behaving that way because it is the only example he has had or hopefully a examaple of behavior he has only seen one time and wants to try it out. If there is a close relationship between the adault where they spend time together, express affection back and forth, show mutual respect, tell each other the truth perhaps just a pat on the head and a I don’t like that word will work just fine. Where the F*** is returned for the parents F*** it might be a little tougher to explain why the adault can be crude inaproperate and vulgar but it doesent look and feel the same when their 8 year old enjory the same rush of apusive language. Perhaps the parents need to see the child as a real live mirror and not as an object for denial. David
Response:
I usually ask them what that word means and find that thewy generally don’t really know. I ask then what THEY mean and try to teach them the words they really need to get their feelings across. By the time we get done they are usually into some fairly meaningful feedback for me. BUT I NEVER back downon my requirements of them unless they can convince me that I should logically, not through mere curse words.
Response:
Bales) writes: > If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment > for abusive behavior by kids? >Well, let’s see. When my older daughter says things like that I say >"no names, honey" or teach her better words to use. Of course she’s >only three, and a really good kid. >Sincerely, >Jennifer
Robbie, 3, is into name-calling for the shock value. We’ve got an "ugly word list" that NOBODY in the house is allowed to use. If he uses them, we tell him that it’s an ugly word and he’s not allowed to use it, and if he does again, he loses a favorite toy for a day. He LOVES his toys, so this usually does the trick.
Response:
Anon.nobody writes >>>I would suggest you take a parenting class.
Take a class in guts. What the devil are you hiding from, Mr/Ms nobody? Do have any credentials. Are you deliberately giving harmful advice? Go away. Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity.
Response:
:Anon.nobody writes :>>>>I would suggest you take a parenting class. :Take a class in guts. What the devil are you hiding from, Mr/Ms nobody? 
o have any credentials. Are you deliberately giving harmful advice? Go :away. Give me a break. Parenting classes are harmful? It’s people like you, who stigmatize parents utilizing parenting classes, that are harmful.
Response:
> One of the most surprising things to happen to me as a middle-aged > parent with a 17 yr. old son and a 15 yr. old daughter is to have > them say very abusive things to me, and to hear of this also > happening to other caring, sensitive parents I know. The behavior of > the kids seems to bear no correlation to the way the parents have > striven for YEARS to raise them. My son has Tourettes and OCD, and > ADD, so I expect to have to deal with it. My daughter, though, is > struggling with depression and rage from living for years in our > volatile and sometimes dangerous (because of our son) home. What do > you do when you’re trying to maintain order in the home (i.e., have > reasonable rules) and the kid not only speaks abusively to you but > also threatens to run away if we "push" her? (thinking of my daughter > here). Lou R.
With the sorts of problems you have to deal with in your household, are you in any sort of family therapy? Although it might not help, the therapist might have some ideas. A lot of teens use this sort of blackmail with their parents: "If you make me mad, I’ll run away!" Other than assurances that you love them even when you are making them mad, I’m not sure what you can do. Evaluate how serious you think this threat is, and move on accordingly. I would also recommend reading "Reviving Ophelia" and "School Girls"; it is helping me to understand the problems my adolescent daughter is facing, and her responses. If nothing else, it’s good to know that my (occassionally) verbally abusive daughter is right up there on the "normal" or "age appropriate" range! Marie Houck
Response:
>If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment >for abusive behavior by kids?
According to some of the arguments…the only alternative is to pat them on the head and say "naughty child". Susan
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >On Friday, June 07, 1996, Tom Jacobs wrote… > If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment > for abusive behavior by kids? >I guess it would depend on the age of the child. A friend of mine who >worked in child care with kindergarteners recommended that a physically >violent child should be restrained. He would sit the child down on a >chair and "hug" him from behind. They would sit there until the child >calmed down and the adult would explain that "hitting can hurt people." >This is for very extreme acting out where the child could hurt other >people or themselves. >For using abusive language or other things like that, the loss of >priviledges might be enough. "I’m not taking you out to the movies when >you use language like that," or "that just cost you 25 cents from your >next allowance." And be consistent, otherwise the child won’t take you >seriously. This worked when my disrespectful nephew and his mother (my >SIL) came to stay with us for a few months. Unfortunately, at least for >the short term, the behavior will only change when the adult that DOES >discipline is around. My nephew still acted up with his mother, who >didn’t punish him at all for his bad behavior.
One of the most surprising things to happen to me as a middle-aged parent with a 17 yr. old son and a 15 yr. old daughter is to have them say very abusive things to me, and to hear of this also happening to other caring, sensitive parents I know. The behavior of the kids seems to bear no correlation to the way the parents have striven for YEARS to raise them. My son has Tourettes and OCD, and ADD, so I expect to have to deal with it. My daughter, though, is struggling with depression and rage from living for years in our volatile and sometimes dangerous (because of our son) home. What do you do when you’re trying to maintain order in the home (i.e., have reasonable rules) and the kid not only speaks abusively to you but also threatens to run away if we "push" her? (thinking of my daughter here). Lou R.
Response:
>If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment >for abusive behavior by kids?
There are many ways to deal with children that do not include spanking. Many are very effective. I have found though a particular technique will not have its desired outcome if the adult is not clear themselves. By the tone of your inquiry I would suggest you take a parenting class. Most communities provide services for frustrated/angry parents such as yourself. KW
Response:
> If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment > for abusive behavior by kids?
Well, let’s see. When my older daughter says things like that I say "no names, honey" or teach her better words to use. Of course she’s only three, and a really good kid. Sincerely, Jennifer
Response:
: If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment : for abusive behavior by kids? Most important is to discuss with the child why the behavior is wrong. Also, talking to the child to find out why he/she felt that way to begin with is important. Finally, provide the child with a way to express his/her feelings, needs in a healthy way. Making amends for wrongdoing I think is very good. Restrictions on priveleges are an alternative. There’s lots more. The idea, I believe, is to have a relationship with your child and make sure your child’s needs are being met, both physical and emotional.
Response:
If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment for abusive behavior by kids?
Response:
On Friday, June 07, 1996, Tom Jacobs wrote… > If spanking is out, what are some other idea’s for punishment > for abusive behavior by kids?
I guess it would depend on the age of the child. A friend of mine who worked in child care with kindergarteners recommended that a physically violent child should be restrained. He would sit the child down on a chair and "hug" him from behind. They would sit there until the child calmed down and the adult would explain that "hitting can hurt people." This is for very extreme acting out where the child could hurt other people or themselves. For using abusive language or other things like that, the loss of priviledges might be enough. "I’m not taking you out to the movies when you use language like that," or "that just cost you 25 cents from your next allowance." And be consistent, otherwise the child won’t take you seriously. This worked when my disrespectful nephew and his mother (my SIL) came to stay with us for a few months. Unfortunately, at least for the short term, the behavior will only change when the adult that DOES discipline is around. My nephew still acted up with his mother, who didn’t punish him at all for his bad behavior.
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