Pure Parents

Question:

Hi gang Im looking for advice on what do with our 3 y/o lil girl who has playing Mommy against Daddy down to a science. When one of us tells her to do something she doesn’t like or tells her that she cant have something she immediately goes to the other parent and in a sense "tattles" on the foreboding parent that is not giving her what she wants. She is also a master of asking one parent for something, or just a general question i.e…."Where are we going?" and then, even if the other parent is setting in the same room, turns around and asks the same question to the other parent as if she doesn’t believe what we are telling her is the truth and has to hear it from both of us. It isn’t harmful behavior at all but has become quite a nuisance!  Any advice out there. Signed The "usually" foreboding parent Daddy

Response:

My oldest (5) just started doing this.  I think that that she is just trying to see if she gets a different answer from the two of us.  It does get really annoying, especially when one of the others start right behind her just because they see that someone else is doing it.  We have 5 kids so we actually have to answer the same question to three different children within the space of 5 minutes.  They think that the answer is "child specific".  My husband has gotten to the point that he keeps asking the kids if they really think that Mommy and Daddy will both tell them something different.  They usually answer no and walk off. Georga – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi gang > Im looking for advice on what do with our 3 y/o lil girl who has playing > Mommy against Daddy down to a science. When one of us tells her to do > something she doesn’t like or tells her that she cant have something she > immediately goes to the other parent and in a sense "tattles" on the > foreboding parent that is not giving her what she wants. > She is also a master of asking one parent for something, or just a general > question i.e…."Where are we going?" and then, even if the other parent is > setting in the same room, turns around and asks the same question to the > other parent as if she doesn’t believe what we are telling her is the truth > and has to hear it from both of us. > It isn’t harmful behavior at all but has become quite a nuisance!  Any > advice out there. > Signed > The "usually" foreboding parent > Daddy

Response:

Our 4 year old does this to some extent. When we realize she’s doing it, the 2nd parent just says "I believe that mom (or dad) has already answered that and I don’t need to answer it again."  Usually we get in response "Oh yeah, I forgot!"  She’s just trying to get some more attention. She’s really bad about it in the car too. If we start to play a game then (look for certain colored cars, etc) or she puts on her headphones then she quits. Sonja – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi gang > Im looking for advice on what do with our 3 y/o lil girl who has playing > Mommy against Daddy down to a science. When one of us tells her to do > something she doesn’t like or tells her that she cant have something she > immediately goes to the other parent and in a sense "tattles" on the > foreboding parent that is not giving her what she wants. > She is also a master of asking one parent for something, or just a general > question i.e…."Where are we going?" and then, even if the other parent is > setting in the same room, turns around and asks the same question to the > other parent as if she doesn’t believe what we are telling her is the truth > and has to hear it from both of us. > It isn’t harmful behavior at all but has become quite a nuisance!  Any > advice out there. > Signed > The "usually" foreboding parent > Daddy

Response:

A husband and wife need to stand united once one has made a decision. All of my kids went through a phase where, if one parent said no, they would go and ask the other.  My husband and I have now learned that if one of the kids comes into the room to make a request, we usually ask, "well, did you ask daddy (or mommy) about that already?"  Then the second-asked upholds whatever the first-asked decided.   About questioning both of you even when you are in the same room: When this happens with my husband and I, we just usually say, "Oh, my answer’s the same as daddy’s (or mommy’s)"… and then repeat the answer. I think what your daughter is doind is fairly common at around age 3.  I also think how you deal with it has an effect on how long it lasts. ~Jan  

Response:

I read once (can’t remember where- maybe Parents magazine) that this behavior is actually a good thing, even though it can be annoying.  They’re showing that they understand there may be more than one way to accomplish a certain task.   As I recall the article said that the thought processes are develpoing when they do this sort of thing. My friend’s son would question everything anyone said.  Once his mom told him one thing, and he looked at me and asked if what she said was true.  I asked him "Does yur Mom usually lie to you?" he said no, and never double checked her word (with my anyways) again. Mine like tattling on my husband… "Daddy said we can’t go to the park…" or whatever he does that they don’t like, but they don’t tattle on ME to him. Perhaps because I’m the Main caregiver.  Hard to say.  Could be because my DH is a BIG teaser, will say one thing when he really means something else. Haven’t gotten him to understand why this frustrates me in 6 years of parenting together, I suppose I never will. Good luck, hope you find something in here useful. Krystal

Response:

You need to put a stop to this now! I have seen major damage done to both the parents marriage and the kids by this behavior.  Until you have it under control you and your husband need to be very careful about paying attention to what is going on in the house and when in doubt check it out. (By this I mean if your daughter asks for a cookie, and you think it might be okay, but it’s close to dinner and dh might have said no ask dh if she already asked him. A hassle for a while, but in the long run it will help.) When you catch her doing this she should be put in time out, or what ever disciplin you use in your house hold (when I was a kid I got spanked for this activity and grounded for two days {I was 6 yrs old} and never did it again.) As for asking you and then your hubby about something, when my daughter does this we just respond "what did your dad/mom tell you?" It seems to stop her right in her tracks. I don’t think she doesn’t believe, so much as she wants to confirm. IMO, the most important thing parents can do is persent a united front. Even when I disagree with my husband I hold my tongue in front of the kids. We discuss it later and try to work out a way to handle it differently next time. (That would, of course, change if I thought what he was doing was abuse. In that case I would set in right then and stop it!!) Liz

Response:

Yeah this was helpful. Alayna, the 3 y/o, is also a big tattler if she doesnt get her way. I dont know how many times I have heard her run to her Mother telling on me, and visa-versa!  It has almost become quite a game with in our lil family triangle. Amuzing at times and annoying at others.  I feel that this is a natural phase that she is going through and what you said made allot of sense! Thanx

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I read once (can’t remember where- maybe Parents magazine) that this behavior > is actually a good thing, even though it can be annoying.  They’re showing that > they understand there may be more than one way to accomplish a certain task. > As I recall the article said that the thought processes are develpoing when > they do this sort of thing. > My friend’s son would question everything anyone said.  Once his mom told him > one thing, and he looked at me and asked if what she said was true.  I asked > him "Does yur Mom usually lie to you?" he said no, and never double checked her > word (with my anyways) again. > Mine like tattling on my husband… "Daddy said we can’t go to the park…" or > whatever he does that they don’t like, but they don’t tattle on ME to him. > Perhaps because I’m the Main caregiver.  Hard to say.  Could be because my DH > is a BIG teaser, will say one thing when he really means something else. > Haven’t gotten him to understand why this frustrates me in 6 years of parenting > together, I suppose I never will. > Good luck, hope you find something in here useful. > Krystal

Response: