Question:
There is a game available for children in pre-school through 3rd or 4th grade which you might find useful to teach positive behaviors. Check it out at website pcsconnections.com. The site has a "Dr. Connections" where you can ask for advice from a trained school psychologist. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not > copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical > consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, > such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for > 5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE > YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is > where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add > extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND > QUICK……: ( > Time out is not punishment, it is cooling off time for the child to > get under control. Throwing stuff in reaction to this is behavior that > shouldn’t be ignored, but should be punished. You need to find some > consequences that he cares about. e.g. TV limitations, losing toys > that are thrown. The ugly language is also behavior that should be > dealt with. If he is doing this at 5 and you don’t get it under control, > you are going to have great fun when he is 14 and his mouth is beyond > your control. > It may be that he needs some therapy — there may be more going on here > than you can handle alone. A therapist might be able to help you channel > his anger in more acceptable ways and give you some ideas for dealing with > discipline.
Response:
> My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not > copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical > consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, > such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for > 5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE > YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is > where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add > extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND > QUICK……: (
Hey this sounds like my younger sister! She is now 28 years old. She eventually outgrew it…about 2 years ago (ha ha). Some of us have different temperments and the kid temperments aren’t always complimentary to the parents. In my sister’s case, she was exactly like my mother and they CLASHED. My mother would either lose her cool too (nasty sight that was) or else would send my sister to the corner to cool off (we call them time outs now). But you know the corner thing only works for some people (like me…my mother would just glare at me and I knew it was time to sit in the corner). My mother and sister, on the other hand, had brawls…all the way through adolescence. Things became worse when she was in college and started to throw things across the room…broke a mirror and scared her roommate to death (nearly). Turns out her temperment combined with the suppressed memory of child molestation from a neighbor was fueling her anger when she was in her 20’s. First, I would check to see if there is an underlying cause for the anger (we never suspected one with my sister because she had such a temper anyway) and if not I would try to find a way to let the kid vent it. Is this a fight you really want to take up? My 3 year old screamed he hated me a few times and I yelled back, "Fine, But I LOVE you!" and he realized that wasn’t going to work and it stopped… Heidi
Response:
> My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not > copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical > consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, > such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for > 5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE > YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is > where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add > extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND > QUICK……: (
Time out is not punishment, it is cooling off time for the child to get under control. Throwing stuff in reaction to this is behavior that shouldn’t be ignored, but should be punished. You need to find some consequences that he cares about. e.g. TV limitations, losing toys that are thrown. The ugly language is also behavior that should be dealt with. If he is doing this at 5 and you don’t get it under control, you are going to have great fun when he is 14 and his mouth is beyond your control. It may be that he needs some therapy — there may be more going on here than you can handle alone. A therapist might be able to help you channel his anger in more acceptable ways and give you some ideas for dealing with discipline.
Response:
You probably won’t like my answer. i think it goes against your parenting style. but i will say it anyway. you need to get control of that child and quickly. the behavior you’re describing is unacceptable! hopefully, as you can see, it is obvious that "natural logical consequences" aren’t working. I know you say he is acting like a two year old, but 2 yr old children shouldn’t even behave the way you are describing. if you are completely against spanking (which he needs) then you will need to find much harsher punishments than 5 minute time-outs. try half-hour ones and increase if needed. the second he utters the words "i hate you" more punishment should be added. Our goal as parents is to teach our children to be adults. nowhere in the adult world is hating and throwing things readily accepted…they shouldn’t be accepted in a childs world either…childish things can be…like being irresponsible by leaving bikes out…but that is where the natural logical consequences come in..for childish things…if the bike rusts in half..HE saves money and buys a new one…but willful disobedience should be met with punishment THEN discussion on how to avoid punishment in the future… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not >copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical >consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, >such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for >5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE >YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is >where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add >extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND >QUICK……: (
Response:
> copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical > consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, > such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for > 5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE > YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is > where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add > extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND > QUICK……: (
I wouldn’t ignore throwing things because it is destructive and potentially dangerous. Whatever he throws, he must no longer want to keep. Explain this logic to him as you pick up whatever he has thrown. Also, if this is new behavior, find out if there is something bothering him or if he hurts somewhere. -Kay-
Response:
A good consequence for throwing things is to remove that thing from his room and he doesn’t see it again for a week. After a week’s time, you can let him redeem one toy if he has had a whole day without a tantrum. I would not ignore throwing things because this does not teach him anger management and can break the thrown item or whatever it lands against. Can you teach him an alternative for venting his anger or a coping mechanism? I have heard of some parents getting a punching bag or a special pillow to punch, but I have ambivalent feelings about providing an inanimate object to beat up. (My reservations are this: The object may become a surrogate for the person he really would like to punch; it teaches the venting of anger through violence; it can reinforce the habit and later be transferred either to real people or walls. — I have a daughter who since she became a teenager, has kicked two holes in our walls.) I would be curious to hear what you all think about providing punching bags or similar devices for venting anger. Is it a good idea, or not? Margaret – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not > copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical > consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, > such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for > 5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE > YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is > where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add > extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND > QUICK……: (
Response:
Has this been going on since he was 2yo? If it has, and you have tried taking away what he throws and other natural consequences, you may want to consider taking him to a play therapist. The reason I say this is because my sister was in the same position when her child was your son’s age. He would kick holes in walls, threw things, etc. and she was told he was just overactive. She eventually took him to a play therapist where a lot of things started coming out. He is now 13 and requires a lot more help than my sister and I think he would have needed if the process had been started soon after he started showing these behaviors. Good luck! Michelle
Response:
I agree that the boy should get a psychological evalutation. This is NOT normal 5yr. old behavior.
: Has this been going on since he was 2yo? If it has, and you have tried taking : away what he throws and other natural consequences, you may want to consider : taking him to a play therapist. The reason I say this is because my sister was : in the same position when her child was your son’s age. He would kick holes in : walls, threw things, etc. and she was told he was just overactive. She : eventually took him to a play therapist where a lot of things started coming : out. He is now 13 and requires a lot more help than my sister and I think he : would have needed if the process had been started soon after he started showing : these behaviors. Good luck! : Michelle — Elaine Gallegos
Response:
> You probably won’t like my answer. i think it goes against your parenting > style. but i will say it anyway. you need to get control of that child and > quickly. the behavior you’re describing is unacceptable! hopefully, as you > can see, it is obvious that "natural logical consequences" aren’t working. I > know you say he is acting like a two year old, but 2 yr old children > shouldn’t even behave the way you are describing. if you are completely > against spanking (which he needs)
Hitting a child for hitting his/her sibling makes absolutely NO sense. Paying attention to the hittee and ignoring the hitter makes more sense. then you will need to find much harsher > punishments than 5 minute time-outs. try half-hour ones and increase if > needed. the second he utters the words "i hate you" more punishment should > be added.
In a private email conversation a while ago, Ron Low shared with me some wonderful advice, he said that you should be complimented when a child screams ‘I hate you!" because it really shows that the child is secure in your love and isn’t afraid you’ll leave him/her. A more appropriate response might be "I know you’re really mad about XXXX, and I’m sure you’re not liking me very much right now but you have to XXXX." Our goal as parents is to teach our children to be adults. nowhere > in the adult world is hating and throwing things readily accepted…they > shouldn’t be accepted in a childs world either…
Strong emotions readily acceptable, certain forms of expressing extreme dislike (such as throwing objects, physically abusing people, etc) are not acceptable. This child needs to be taught that his feeling are valid and that there are acceptable ways in which he can express himself. childish things can > be…like being irresponsible by leaving bikes out…but that is where the > natural logical consequences come in..for childish things…if the bike > rusts in half..HE saves money and buys a new one…but willful disobedience > should be met with punishment THEN discussion on how to avoid punishment in > the future…
Just a note, a time out area should be a safe one. It should be very difficult to injure oneself or objects in a time out area. Perhaps you could arrange an area of pillows and stuffed animals where he could be safe when he’s very angry. If this isn’t possible, and you can not allow the child to throw things, then you should hold him and speak quietly to him during his time outs until he can promise not to harm the contents of the room. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not >copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical >consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, >such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for >5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE >YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is >where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add >extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND >QUICK……: (
Response:
My five year old is still throwing HUGE temper tantrums, no he is not copying me, i want to cut to the chase, i use natural logical consequences, no i dont beat him, if he does something inappropriate, such as hitting sister or along those lines, I send him to his room for 5 min. time out, next i hear… "FINE!!, I HATE YOU!! SHUT UP!! I HOPE YOU DIE!! THEN, CRASH!! he starts throwing things, k, guys, this is where I need help, when the throwing stuff starts, do I ignore, or add extra minutes? so far ignoring hasnt helped, NEED MORE ADVICE, AND QUICK……: (
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