Pure Parents

Question:

<<We’ve practiced attachment parenting and are trying to handle discipline by natural consequences, but are pretty much at a loss over this. He doesn’t seem to have a real understanding of hurting people; he often appears to think our explanations of why he shouldn’t hit us are funny. He also seems to be happy if we react to his behavior by getting angry. In almost all ways he’s a joy to have around, but this is really getting to us. Help?>> I find that getting angry doesn’t have much affect on my three year old (unless I’ve totally Lost It — but that’s another thread).  I have found that the best way to get her to respond  is drop *all* emotion from my voice, and placing in her a time out.  I call this going to into "Robot Mommy" mode.  She hates it , and usually comes out of her time out (I believe in one minute per year, so she’s never in time out for longer than three minutes — I do believe in early release for "good behavior" — i.e., no talking or whining during the time out) apologizing and ready to place nicely. Laughing when I get angry started when she was a little over two — she’s three years and 3 months now, and "Robot Mommy" reaction still works to get her to listen.  I would however, explain to your little boy each time you put him time out why he is going in there.  Someone mentioned that at three he won’t understand why, but I don’t quite buy into that philosophy. I think that children do learn by repetition, and if they hear the explanation often enough, it will sink in.  Probably the most important thing while dealing with this is to be consistent — don’t let him slide "just this once" because he’s visiting with Grandma.  He’ll learn (sooner or later!) that "pounding" on people is not acceptable behavior. Mary mother to Lili (5-3-95), Jenny (9-21-97), and ???, (2/14/99)

Response:

Hi Michael, (the RPI near Albany?) Boys and girls do go through testing aggressive behavior around this age. Keep in mind he is testing and seeing what the response will be. The best natural consequence discipline would be to say (keep down on his level) "ouch! I don’t want to play with you right now. You hurt me and I am going away" and go away! Same for mommy. Same for the dog (I hope it got up and went away). Step in for the dog and say if you are not nice to (dog) I will have to take him to a place safe for him and sooner or later if you are rough with him he will start to not want to be near you! When playing rough with other kids, the supervising parent needs to step in (just like with the child that rips toys out of other childrens hands – and has to learn that mama/papa will give the toy back to the first child) and make sure the attention that the aggressive child gets is not resulting in reinforcing the behavior. Instead of punishing the agressive child (getting attention), maybe it would be more effective to simply time-him-out and give the victim child positive attention (comfort him/her, start a new activity with other children or victim alone) and after short time out let the aggressive child join in and let him know he is welcome when his behavior is nice. look at the usual pattern: 1) Child acts in an attention getting manner (hits person) 2) Parent or teacher reacts with attention for bad child 3) Child learns attention getting behavior will get attention 4) Child repeats behavior 5) Parent/teacher is annoyed and reacts giving attention (pos or         neg.) 6) Child gets less spontaneous attention (parent/teacher reacts     only to bad behavior) 7) Child learns that it has to fight for attention Child repeats behavior Good luck Dorothy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Our son, who will be 3 next week, >has been becoming aggressive. He will walk up without > apparent provocation and start hitting me or his mom with his >fists. > When we stop him and ask him what he’s doing > He doesn’t seem to have a real understanding of hurting people; > he often appears to think our explanations of why he shouldn’t hit us > are funny. He also seems to be happy if we react to his behavior by > getting angry.

Response:

> Our son, who will be 3 next week, has been a very even tempered child. > Recently, he has been becoming aggressive. He will walk up without

<snip> > We’ve practiced attachment parenting and are trying to handle > discipline by natural consequences, but are pretty much at a loss over > this. He doesn’t seem to have a real understanding of hurting people; > he often appears to think our explanations of why he shouldn’t hit us > are funny. He also seems to be happy if we react to his behavior by > getting angry. In almost all ways he’s a joy to have around, but this > is really getting to us. Help?

In that case, try your hardest not to get angry.  Don’t explain it any more.  He’s probably to young to understand the explanations anyway.  And he might not be making the connection between ‘well, you wouldn’t want someone to hurt you’ and what he’s doing. I think this is going to be one of those times that you have to bring out the dreaded "because I said so".  I detest using that and try to use it as little as possible, but this would be a time when I’d definitely use it. You’ve tried everything else, now it’s time to just lay down the law and expect him to follow it.  As for consequences if he doesn’t, there’s no real "natural" consequence for breaking the "because I said so" rule.  So you’ll have to find whatever works best on him (timeouts, removal of a favorite priviledge or toy, whatever) and use it. As he gets older he’ll understand about hitting.  Right now he doesn’t understand and he can’t be blamed for that.  IMO, 3 is still "just a baby" (they’re so cute, aren’t they — mine are going to be my babies until they’re 50).  He doesn’t always have to understand at this piont why something is wrong.  But since our job is to civilize these little barbarians sometimes we just have to impose rules that they may not understand yet. Best of luck to you.– Denise Duggan (aka HyperMommy) Profession: Computer Programmer Homelife: Desperately trying to stay one step ahead of           Jimmy (10/93) and Joey (9/95) who are both *ALL* boy Hobby: Extraneous Brass (Captain) aboard the USS Khai Tam           Tallahassee, Florida’s chapter of STARFLEET

Response:

Our son, who will be 3 next week, has been a very even tempered child. Recently, he has been becoming aggressive. He will walk up without apparent provocation and start hitting me or his mom with his fists. When we stop him and ask him what he’s doing, his typical answer is "pounding on dad." If I tell him I don’t want him to do that because it hurts me, he says "doesn’t hurt dad." Today he did pretty much the same thing to our family dog (whom we’ve had since before he was born, and they’ve gotten along very well), and when asked what he was doing said he wanted to hurt the dog. He’s also started playing rough with his friends, which is a real problem because he’s about the size of most five year olds. We’ve practiced attachment parenting and are trying to handle discipline by natural consequences, but are pretty much at a loss over this. He doesn’t seem to have a real understanding of hurting people; he often appears to think our explanations of why he shouldn’t hit us are funny. He also seems to be happy if we react to his behavior by getting angry. In almost all ways he’s a joy to have around, but this is really getting to us. Help? Percentage of Americans who do not know that the United States supplied arms to Iraq during its war with Iran: 73         – Harper’s Index, December 1990

Response:

All I can say is I’ll be watching this thread with great interest. I feel for you because our 3-11/12 son has started this recently (a bit later than yours). Yesterday, he got into a fight with another kid at daycare and scratched him up and got scratched. On the way home, he wanted to show me a "cool" way to hurt people which involved twisting the arm back. He wanted to demonstrate on me. When I said that I would prefer not to get hurt, and that he shouldn’t hurt people, he replied that it wouldn’t hurt me because I’m "so big." Have a great day! Ernest Proud father of Alexander Brandon (9/24/94) and Savannah Georgia (1/9/96) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Our son, who will be 3 next week, has been a very even tempered child. >Recently, he has been becoming aggressive. He will walk up without >apparent provocation and start hitting me or his mom with his fists. >When we stop him and ask him what he’s doing, his typical answer is >"pounding on dad." If I tell him I don’t want him to do that because >it hurts me, he says "doesn’t hurt dad." Today he did pretty much the >same thing to our family dog (whom we’ve had since before he was born, >and they’ve gotten along very well), and when asked what he was doing >said he wanted to hurt the dog. He’s also started playing rough with >his friends, which is a real problem because he’s about the size of most >five year olds. >We’ve practiced attachment parenting and are trying to handle >discipline by natural consequences, but are pretty much at a loss over >this. He doesn’t seem to have a real understanding of hurting people; >he often appears to think our explanations of why he shouldn’t hit us >are funny. He also seems to be happy if we react to his behavior by >getting angry. In almost all ways he’s a joy to have around, but this >is really getting to us. Help? >Percentage of Americans who do not know that the United States >supplied arms to Iraq during its war with Iran: 73 > – Harper’s Index, December 1990

Response: