Pure Parents

Question:

Al: If it makes you feel any better…the fact that your child goes crazy after you get there is a sign of how much he loves and trusts you.  He saves up all his doubts and frustrations of the day for the one person he feels will love him no matter what…you. This of course does not help you feel any better with a sticky little person climbing the curtains. The only advice I know of is to make him feel as safe and loved as possible in the times that you are with him.  Let him know how much you love him and spend as much "good" time with him as you can manage.  An 18 months old isn’t mature enough to discipline themselves to "listen to you" when you ask things of them.  To a toddler, the world revolves around them, and they don’t understand why things don’t come to a stop when they want. Please be patient.  It must be very hard doing this all by yourself. You son will someday love you very much for it. Lisa (Elisabeth’s mommy, who happened to be raised by a single mother) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > iam a single parent taking care of my kid adter i come home from work? > i leave him at my mothers , and every thing is fine as soon as i get > him he goes off? not listenig to me etc how do i fix this problem

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> > iam a single parent taking care of my kid adter i come home from work? > i leave him at my mothers , and every thing is fine as soon as i get > him he goes off? not listenig to me etc how do i fix this problem

I may be WAY off key here, but I know someone in a similar situation but from another angle.  My girlfriend is a nanny.  The mom and dad are having marriage problems, to say the least.  Due much to guilt and also to not knowing how to parent, she allows both of her children to get away with anything.  These kids will hit and yell at their mom, demand action from their mom, etc.  My girlfriend doesn’t go for it.  She does not accept anyone, let alone a 4 year old to treat her in such a way.  If they do, they get sent to their room or simple told to stop.  From time to time I go there for lunch.  The kids are pretty well behaved and even when not they stop as soon as my girlfriend tells them to stop.  As soon as mom walks through the door the fits start, yelling at mom, hitting, etc.  Why? Because they know they can get away with it when mom is home. Just something to chew on.  Being clingy is one thing, but not listening? That is not a display of love an affection, that is a child misbehaving. Michael

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> I will give you a few of my favorite capsules for terrific twos. > – Offer a choice as often as possible. > Make sure you will respect his choice.  If you ask "are you ready for > dinner?" you have just given him the choice to not eat.  Instead, ask > "would you like your fruit or your noodles first?"  If you can’t > distinguish his responses – or if he chooses something that was not an > option, say: "I didn’t get your choice" (or "that was not a choice") "I > will choose…noodles.  Here you go."

I agree with everything Ron wrote, but I just have to warn everyone, offering choices doesn’t always help! My twins are almost two, and quite often when I offer them a choice they will just say "NO!" and run off smiling. Then two minutes later they come back and want exactly what they just said no to. For example, "Red shirt or blue shirt?" (holding them up for one to be chosen) "NO!" Two minutes later, "Shirt on! Shirt on!" I suppose it is a power/control issue, but since I *do* give them quite a few choices (and respect their answers) and *don’t* say "no" that much, I’m a bit puzzled. –Summer

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> I will give you a few of my favorite capsules for terrific twos.

I agree with the choices thing.  At least it is worth a try. When it comes to twos being either terrible or terrific, I have come to believe it depends more on the child’s personality and less on what we do as parents.  My first child sailed through the 2’s and was truly a joy the entire time. I can honestly say that 2 was a wonderful age for him.  I never understood what other parents were talking about when they talked about 2 being a difficult age.  Of course, I chalked up his behavior to my stellar parenting.  My second child who turned two last month has shown me just what everyone was talking about.  She is a much more challenging 2yo than my son ever was.  Same parenting, different kids.  Bottomline, you do your best, hang in there and chant the parental mantra, "This too shall pass…" Mary

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>I agree with everything Ron wrote, but I just have to warn everyone, >offering choices doesn’t always help! My twins are almost two, and quite >often when I offer them a choice they will just say "NO!" and run off >smiling. Then two minutes later they come back and want exactly what >they just said no to. For example, "Red shirt or blue shirt?" (holding >them up for one to be chosen) "NO!" Two minutes later, "Shirt on! Shirt >on!" I suppose it is a power/control issue, but since I *do* give them >quite a few choices (and respect their answers) and *don’t* say "no" >that much, I’m a bit puzzled. >–Summer

Summer, Maybe the problem here is too many choices (ironic I know).  I think it is a very fine line we walk in giving our toddler choices. Sometimes it resolves a conflict, sometimes it starts one.  At any rate, most of the time, I make the decision first ("come on, let’s put your shirt on"), then if she puts up a fuss, I give her a choice ("red shirt or blue one?").  Usually the decision making process ends the fuss.  Just my 2 cents.  :-) Jennifer, Katelyn’s mom ( 2 on the 23rd!)

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>I agree with everything Ron wrote

Thank you.   >…, but…when I offer them a choice they will just say "NO!" and run off >smiling.

Say it this way.  "We need to go and it’s time to get dressed.  Would like the red shirt or the blue shirt?" "No!  (giggle)" "That was not a choice.  Since you could not choose, I will choose … RED." Then dress them, with force if neccessary.  If they disrobe, leave the house with naked kids.  They will learn to enjoy choosing more than having stuff chosen for them.  Good Luck. – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity.  Brevity is the height of clarity.  

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This is a long post! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I agree with everything Ron wrote > Thank you. >…, but…when I offer them a choice they will just say "NO!" and run off >smiling. > Say it this way.  "We need to go and it’s time to get dressed.  Would like > the red shirt or the blue shirt?" > "No!  (giggle)" > "That was not a choice.  Since you could not choose, I will choose … RED." > Then dress them, with force if neccessary.  If they disrobe, leave the > house with naked kids.  They will learn to enjoy choosing more than having > stuff chosen for them.  Good Luck. > – Ron Low

I don’t agree with dressing or anything else with force.  Not a good lesson for them to mimic.  We found that our kids didn’t want to wear clothes in their early years, so we did take them out with just a diaper on.  We made a loin cloth type of covering for the diaper out of very attractive material which were off cuts from the baby slings which we were making at the time.  I also designed a manner of installing a potty like device in the sling, which obviated the need for them to wear diapers at all for most of the time.  Not marketable I am afraid as they have to be naked, which was a pity.  I thought I had at last found fame and fortune! After people got over their concern in case they were cold, ( their temperature always adjusted to meet the outside weather,, and they were always toasty warm in freezing weather, and cool in the heat,) they got lots of attention, and people were always photographing them in their colourful diapers which I am sure is responsible in part for their self assurance now they are older. My previous work as a researcher into chronic pain had equipped me with a healthy scepticism about rules, and this is the only way to……., and the ability to deal with disaproval that comes from ignorance! We did at first have to deal with a lot of disaproval.  Particularly when they were toddling around like that also without shoes on.  Both our daughters particularly hated shoes, and as it was impossible to find shoes that didn’t distort their feet to an unacceptable level, or most importantly have no heel,  I stuck some of those Scholls liners onto some cotton socks, and they would sometimes wear those.  Not very often tho! As long as we were vigilent about broken glass, and we were, the soles of their feet became very tough, and we found that their feet also adjusted to hot tarmac when crossing a road.  Sometimes I could feel the heat thru. my sandals or shoes but they didn’t have any problem with it. It made them remarkably hardy.  They didn’t suffer from the usual childhood ailments, but their absence make not be totally due to that, as they didn’t go to  kindergarten or child care, and their upbringing was unusual in a number of ways.  (For this culture that is.)  To be absolutely sure one would have to mimic what we did, and put the child in the usual child care and environments which have a higher risk of potential infection. It wasn’t that we were permissive but we couldn’t see why children had to obey what a parent required them to do unless there was good reason that affected their immediate survival, such as traffic concerns.  If we wanted our children to grow up to be self reliant, individuals capable of making healthy choices that might be more apropriate for them than us, then we felt that we needed to help them do that in areas which were not all that important.  After all when they get older they soon learn when they need to wear clothes as our two did without any fuss. So much of what I was taught in nurturing children turned out to be wrong, and the past experts had to change their tune.  Change is threatening, and I sympathise with the fear.  Many is the times when my partner and I would tremble in anticipation of the disaster to come. Fortunately our daughters were made of hardier stock than we, and our trust in their innate instincts was upheld.  Kept us skinny tho! Happy nurturing, Rayner

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iam a single parent taking care of my kid adter i come home from work? i leave him at my mothers , and every thing is fine as soon as i get him he goes off? not listenig to me etc how do i fix this problem

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> iam a single parent taking care of my kid adter i come home from work? > i leave him at my mothers , and every thing is fine as soon as i get > him he goes off? not listenig to me etc how do i fix this problem

FIX?  You don’t "Fix" a kid.  Things just happen.  I see alot of your posts in different newsgroups, trashing, spamming and trolling.  Maybe if you spent more time with your kid and less time on the net things would be ok.   Seriously, this is normal.  Ever hear of the terrible twos?  My kid went thru it, I went thru it, you went thru it.  It’s just a part of life.

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> > iam a single parent taking care of my kid adter i come home from work?
> i leave him at my mothers , and every thing is fine as soon as i get
> him he goes off? not listenig to me etc how do i fix this problem
> FIX?  You don’t "Fix" a kid.  Things just happen.  I see alot of your
> posts in different newsgroups, trashing, spamming and trolling.  Maybe if
> you spent more time with your kid and less time on the net things would be
> ok.  

How hypocritical! You, Rosemarie, shouldn’t be one bashing
other’s for trolling on the ‘net, when in fact you are doing the
exact same thing…
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Response:

I will give you a few of my favorite capsules for terrific twos.   – Offer a choice as often as possible.   Make sure you will respect his choice.  If you ask "are you ready for dinner?" you have just given him the choice to not eat.  Instead, ask "would you like your fruit or your noodles first?"  If you can’t distinguish his responses – or if he chooses something that was not an option, say: "I didn’t get your choice" (or "that was not a choice") "I will choose…noodles.  Here you go."   – Say "no" as rarely as possible.   Instead of rejecting what he’s trying, explain what is acceptable.  For example, you catch him trying to suck toothpaste out of the tube.  Instead of saying no, explain that "toothpaste is only for brushing.  Would you like to brush your teeth now?"  If you say no to him frequently, he will say it to you constantly.   – Praise like crazy that which you want to see repeated.   Every little thing, especially new abilities; using words, unzipping his own jacket, etc.  Instead of always calling him a good boy, or a big boy; praise the specific achievement with precise descriptive language for what pleased you.  "Good words." or "Good job dressing!  You put your arms in the sleeves.  Great."  Praise until you get tired of it and then some; he won’t get tired of it.   – Ignore what you don’t want repeated For behaviors you don’t like (e.g. whining) ignore as possible.  For aggressive hitting and biting, scream "we don’t hit.  I don’t like that. Hitting hurts"  and leave him alone to stew/cry.  The natural consequence of rough play is no playmates.   – Tantrums are inevitable.   They usually result from inability to communicate or from being over tired.  Be understanding but don’t change your course because of tantrum. Let him cry for a few minutes and then offer a hug.  You might say: "You were really upset.  I’m sorry we can’t [go outside right now - whatever]. Can I have a hug?"  He was out of control and perhaps unsure he’d ever calm down again – a scary thought.  You’re welcoming him back to the world of the sane.   – If he gets into it, it’s your fault for leaving it where he could get it.   Of course he can learn to respect things like the TV knobs.  The consequence of playing with the knobs is playing in a non-TV room.  Frame your action in terms of consequences for his behavior.  Say "the TV is not a toy.  When you play with the knobs you show me that you need to play in the kitchen" as you carry him to the kitchen.   Give him stuff to manipulate/destroy.  Lots of paper and markers.  Let him pull the towels out of the bottom drawer then let him help you put them back.  Reward such discoveries enthusiastically and you’ll cultivate a little scientist.  Punish them and you’ll grow a timid introvert.   – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity.  Brevity is the height of clarity.  

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