Question:
My girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter consistently procrastinates doing her homework. Mom’s approach is to yell at her, send her to her room, or withdraw privileges. That’s not my mode. Besides, it doesn’t really get the homework done. Last night I worked with the child. She did some homework for the first few minutes, then went into a series of diversions to avoid doing more. With effort, I was able to get her to continue, but it was clear that she was enjoying the challenge of escaping homework. Finally, I peeled an orange, and began rewarding her with slices for each little section of homework she finished. This worked beautifully. The problem is that the little girl is overweight already, and mom thinks that I’ll just make things worse by associating food with rewards. I see the point, although it’s not like I gave her candy bars. Since I’ve never had children and so know nothing (as I’m frequently told), I’d like to ask those of you with more experience what you think about this. I’m also thinking about buying a Gameboy game that the little girl covets and letting her play it a few minutes for every section of homework completed. Thanks for your advice. -John ps. The most interesting thing about all this is that I was a procrastinator of equal scale when I was a child. I still am, although I’ve learned coping techniques to keep me out of trouble. Often, I’ve wondered what my parents might have done to make a difference with me. Now I have an appreciation for the difficulty of the challenge I presented. Please remove "antispam" from the email address above to mail me.
Response:
Sounds like you are doing a nice job with her. Oranges are not fattening. IMHO, The video games are addictive and you may open up another set of challenges. IMHO, I would hold off on that one. I do not think she will only play for a few minutes at a time. It never works that way with my boys. They stay on those games for HOURS to the neglect of the homework. Upstate NY Mom – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >My girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter consistently procrastinates doing her >homework. Mom’s approach is to yell at her, send her to her room, or withdraw >privileges. That’s not my mode. Besides, it doesn’t really get the homework >done. >Last night I worked with the child. She did some homework for the first few >minutes, then went into a series of diversions to avoid doing more. With >effort, I was able to get her to continue, but it was clear that she was >enjoying the challenge of escaping homework. Finally, I peeled an orange, and >began rewarding her with slices for each little section of homework she >finished. This worked beautifully. >The problem is that the little girl is overweight already, and mom thinks that >I’ll just make things worse by associating food with rewards. I see the >point, although it’s not like I gave her candy bars. Since I’ve never had >children and so know nothing (as I’m frequently told), I’d like to ask those >of you with more experience what you think about this. >I’m also thinking about buying a Gameboy game that the little girl covets and >letting her play it a few minutes for every section of homework completed. >Thanks for your advice. >-John >ps. The most interesting thing about all this is that I was a procrastinator >of equal scale when I was a child. I still am, although I’ve learned coping >techniques to keep me out of trouble. Often, I’ve wondered what my parents >might have done to make a difference with me. Now I have an appreciation for >the difficulty of the challenge I presented. >Please remove "antispam" from the email address above to mail me.
Response:
>>My girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter consistently procrastinates doing her >homework. Mom’s approach is to yell at her, send her to her room, or >withdraw >privileges. That’s not my mode. Besides, it doesn’t really get the >homework >done. >Last night I worked with the child. She did some homework for the first >few
First let me say, how nice of you to take the time to work with her! That is really sweet that you would take the time and interest in her. My daughter (almost 7 first grade) is a great procrastinator too. I have found that setting something up that she really likes whether it is playing outside or whatever is a great incentive. She knows that she only has till 5:00 to do fun stuff. She gets home at 3:30. Her homework is not extensive in first grade. I explain to her everyday that once she gets her homework finished, she may _______(fill in the blank.) I go on to explain that the sooner it is done the more time she will have for ______. Dinner is served a little after 5:00 and that is why other stuff has to be finished by then. 5:00 is time to get hands/face washed and set the table. That has seemed to work really well. On the days I don’t have something to spur her with, she will take much much longer with many trips out of her room and away from her desk before the homework is finished. I agree that maybe a gameboy isn’t the best route to go for day to day stuff. But maybe you could hold off on that—save it for a big reward. You might think about putting stickers on the calendar. Explain to her that once she has X # of days on the calendar where she did her homework without a fight then will come the gameboy. Oranges are not fattening as D.A. stated, but I do understand that her mother doesn’t want food to become a reward at this point. But if you need some daily treat, it could be something else. Tell her that if she gets done with the homework within a specified amount of time then you will do something fun with her. Computer games or outside stuff or something like that. Think small. And reserve the big rewards for major accomplishments. If you do go this route and use the gameboy as the big reward, then you will have games to go with it for the next big chunk of time she does well. You could end up getting a whole lot of mileage out of that thing! :-} Good luck! Sharon
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >My girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter consistently procrastinates doing her >homework. Mom’s approach is to yell at her, send her to her room, or withdraw >privileges. That’s not my mode. Besides, it doesn’t really get the homework >done. >Last night I worked with the child. She did some homework for the first few >minutes, then went into a series of diversions to avoid doing more. With >effort, I was able to get her to continue, but it was clear that she was >enjoying the challenge of escaping homework. Finally, I peeled an orange, and >began rewarding her with slices for each little section of homework she >finished. This worked beautifully.
Congratulations- you have figured out how operant conditioning works, and you made it work in a real world setting. >The problem is that the little girl is overweight already, and mom thinks that >I’ll just make things worse by associating food with rewards.
Animals (humans included) will gravitate toward pleasure, and away from pain. The girl has at least a couple of problems going on here. One, she has not yet developed dependable study habit, and two, she is overweight. There’s nothing "wrong" with using orange sections to reward completion of sections of work. We all already associate food with feelings of reward. This is especially true if ALL she gets as a snack that night is the orange. If she eats the orange, then ends up polishing off a bag of chips and a box of cereal, don’t blame the orange for her binging. > I see the >point, although it’s not like I gave her candy bars. Since I’ve never had >children and so know nothing (as I’m frequently told), I’d like to ask those >of you with more experience what you think about this.
Ah well. You are the one who got her to complete her assignment last night. Not her mother. >I’m also thinking about buying a Gameboy game that the little girl covets and >letting her play it a few minutes for every section of homework completed.
Sure! time with a game, a brief walk, a glass of water. That’s really how ALL work gets accomplished. Sometimes, it’s just necessary to reward very small sections of work in order to build a base for good study habits. When she has good study habits, she won’t need an assistant to help her divide the work into sections, and find appropriate rewards for their completion. >Thanks for your advice. >-John >ps. The most interesting thing about all this is that I was a procrastinator >of equal scale when I was a child. I still am, although I’ve learned coping >techniques to keep me out of trouble. Often, I’ve wondered what my parents >might have done to make a difference with me. Now I have an appreciation for >the difficulty of the challenge I presented.
We’re not born with study skills. It has to be learned. If your parents didn’t know how to teach it, it’s not your fault that it took you longer to get the right ideas about consentration on tasks. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Please remove "antispam" from the email address above to mail me.
Response:
You are right about thinking small. Especially at first, before the child has the routine of accomplishment down. I have seen big rewards fall flat- such as payments at the end of a grading period or trips to Magic Mountain if the grades stay up. For kids without responsible study habits, small or tiny incremental rewards for small sections of work set the base for learning to work on their own. Occasional food rewards, especially in connection with a break time, and some socialization are ok. Use other things too- sometimes just a break and a stretch is a small reward that a child can set as their goal. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->>My girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter consistently procrastinates doing her >>homework. Mom’s approach is to yell at her, send her to her room, or >withdraw >>privileges. That’s not my mode. Besides, it doesn’t really get the >homework >>done. >>Last night I worked with the child. She did some homework for the first >few >First let me say, how nice of you to take the time to work with her! That >is really sweet that you would take the time and interest in her. >My daughter (almost 7 first grade) is a great procrastinator too. I have >found that setting something up that she really likes whether it is playing >outside or whatever is a great incentive. She knows that she only has till >5:00 to do fun stuff. She gets home at 3:30. Her homework is not extensive >in first grade. I explain to her everyday that once she gets her homework >finished, she may _______(fill in the blank.) I go on to explain that the >sooner it is done the more time she will have for ______. Dinner is served >a little after 5:00 and that is why other stuff has to be finished by then. >5:00 is time to get hands/face washed and set the table. That has seemed to >work really well. On the days I don’t have something to spur her with, she >will take much much longer with many trips out of her room and away from her >desk before the homework is finished. >I agree that maybe a gameboy isn’t the best route to go for day to day >stuff. But maybe you could hold off on that—save it for a big reward. >You might think about putting stickers on the calendar. Explain to her that >once she has X # of days on the calendar where she did her homework without >a fight then will come the gameboy. Oranges are not fattening as D.A. >stated, but I do understand that her mother doesn’t want food to become a >reward at this point. But if you need some daily treat, it could be >something else. Tell her that if she gets done with the homework within a >specified amount of time then you will do something fun with her. Computer >games or outside stuff or something like that. Think small. And reserve >the big rewards for major accomplishments. If you do go this route and use >the gameboy as the big reward, then you will have games to go with it for >the next big chunk of time she does well. You could end up getting a whole >lot of mileage out of that thing! :-} >Good luck! >Sharon
Response:
but the goal is to get Mom and Dad out of the homework business >[except when consulted for an occasional question] asap.
Isn’t that the gist of raising children? Get them to be independent?
Response:
If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It’s their parent or guardian’s place to help get the child organized. If >the adult waits until the kid either sinks or needs rescuing, they have >waited too long. >There is a big difference between guiding a child, and doing it for them. If >they don’t learn how to be responsible for themselves, they won’t be able to >get or hold the job, let alone be promoted!! >This method has worked well with my child. What alternative methods have >worked with yours? I am open to suggestions, if they’ve worked with you. . . >Isa >"Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
> It’s their parent or guardian’s place to help get the child organized. If >the adult waits until the kid either sinks or needs rescuing, they have >waited too long.
There is a big difference between guiding a child, and doing it for them. If they don’t learn how to be responsible for themselves, they won’t be able to get or hold the job, let alone be promoted!! This method has worked well with my child. What alternative methods have worked with yours? I am open to suggestions, if they’ve worked with you. . . Isa "Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
> > It’s their parent or guardian’s place to help get the child organized. If >the adult waits until the kid either sinks or needs rescuing, they have >waited too long. > There is a big difference between guiding a child, and doing it for them. If > they don’t learn how to be responsible for themselves, they won’t be able to > get or hold the job, let alone be promoted!! > This method has worked well with my child. What alternative methods have > worked with yours? I am open to suggestions, if they’ve worked with
you. . . Amen — if Mom and Dad are still helping 13 and 14 year olds ‘get organized’ there is big trouble ahead. The emphasis from the beginning hsould be on helping kids organize and manage their own responsiblities — this requires no intervention with some kids and some consistent guidance early on with others — but the goal is to get Mom and Dad out of the homework business [except when consulted for an occasional question] asap.
Response:
<snip> > I’m also thinking about buying a Gameboy game that the little girl covets and > letting her play it a few minutes for every section of homework completed.
I agree with the advice everyone’s giving about using small rewards daily with a big reward, such as the gameboy and game cartridges, for long term success. I wanted to add to be careful about the idea of letting her play the gameboy for a few minutes in between working sections of her homework. Most kids get really hooked on the games and have a hard time stopping (okay, I’ll stop just as soon as I finish this part – well, maybe after this part, well, now I have a bonus – I’ll stop after the bonus game, etc.). An hour can pass, but seem like only 5 minutes. If she gets a gameboy, you might want to consider letting her play it only after she’s finished all of her homework for that day. If she finishes her homework quickly, she’ll have lots of play time left over. If she drags her feet, she might not have any time left to play. — Take Care! Vicki Surratt Proud Mom of Kathy (just turned 6) and Jenny (9)! 
Response:
address the problem with the kids, you and your wife need >to talk and come to some kind of agreement on how it should be handled.
Yes, you are very wise. That is so true. It seems as if the mother is confused about getting kids organized, and is also a big prograstinator. I could well see the kids getting ticked off to have step-dad making new rules, like them having to perform for their tv time. Right now, they’re essentially free from any responsibilities. No homework, no restrictions on their tv. Naturally, they’re going to bitch if they wake up tomorrow, and there’s a charge for the things that were entirely free the day before. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Then the two of you can work together with the kids. It is extremely >difficult to teach children to handle responsibility if they are >receiving conflicting requirements from each parent. >– >Take Care! >Vicki Surratt >Proud Mom of Kathy (just turned 6) and Jenny (9)!
Response:
>We don’t watch TV or play outside until after the work is done. He has a >homework notebook that he has to copy his assignments into, so it is really >easy to tell what and when is due. After that, it’s up to him. >I also put a fair amount of faith into the "love and logic" parenting style, >which emphasizes responsibiliity.
Sadly, many people translate this theory into little more than wishful thinking. Kids get dumped into more responsibility than they can handle, much too soon. > They do specifically deal with homework, and >suggest that you let the child deal with the consequences themself, rather than >rescuing them.
It’s their parent or guardian’s place to help get the child organized. If the adult waits until the kid either sinks or needs rescuing, they have waited too long. As far as allowing your child to suffer the consequences of screwing up their education and study habits… the true consequences might not really come up until the child is 30, and unable to get a promotion at work due to bad work habits. With the basic premise that a lesson learned at 6/12/15 is – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->cheaper than the lesson learned at a later age, I’ve found it to be effective >for a number of situations. >What’s the worst that could happen if you didnt’ rescue your kids? They could >flunk. Leave the choice up to them, or be prepared to do their college work!! >Oh, the site is www.loveandlogic.com, if you are interested. >Isa >"Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Either or both children remember >big project at last minute after watching several hours of TV. Mom steps >in and helps so much that frequently, the kid might as well not even be >there. If I step in, I look like the evil stepparent >I don’t allow my three children to watch TV at all on school nights. I >encourage them to start their homework right after they get home from school, >so they can get it out of the way quickly and have time for other activities, >like using their computers, talking on the phone, or just reading a book. It >sounds like your stepkids need a specific time to do their homework and some >consequences for not doing it, such as being grounded.
If the teacher assigns a reasonable amount of homework, it should be done. They don’t get the option of doing it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Lisa
Response:
> Either or both children remember >big project at last minute after watching several hours of TV. Mom steps >in and helps so much that frequently, the kid might as well not even be >there.
Ok, you’ve taken the first step in that you realize that this scenario is unsatisfactory. What you need to do is to get a jump or two ahead of the kids. Get an outline of the month’s assignments. If there’ s a big assignment, work with them on getting set up, and putting some time in on it BEFORE plopping down in front of the tube. Tv is ok. Use it as a reward for completing a section of work. > If I step in, I look like the evil stepparent.
Take control from the outset. Make the rule in your house that homework is done in a timely manner, and NO tv until each section is complete.
Response:
We don’t watch TV or play outside until after the work is done. He has a homework notebook that he has to copy his assignments into, so it is really easy to tell what and when is due. After that, it’s up to him. I also put a fair amount of faith into the "love and logic" parenting style, which emphasizes responsibiliity. They do specifically deal with homework, and suggest that you let the child deal with the consequences themself, rather than rescuing them. With the basic premise that a lesson learned at 6/12/15 is cheaper than the lesson learned at a later age, I’ve found it to be effective for a number of situations. What’s the worst that could happen if you didnt’ rescue your kids? They could flunk. Leave the choice up to them, or be prepared to do their college work!! Oh, the site is www.loveandlogic.com, if you are interested. Isa "Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
> I have a similar problem to the one mentioned here and I hope someone can > help me with it. Being a stepfather to two serious procrastinators > (Heather, 12 and Brandon, 10) I frequently get frustrated with the > situation. It usually runs like this: Either or both children remember > big project at last minute after watching several hours of TV. Mom steps > in and helps so much that frequently, the kid might as well not even be > there. If I step in, I look like the evil stepparent. I don’t do nearly > as much of the work for the kids as their mom does and I try to make them > really think about the answers. They hate that but they do learn. > Frequently also bedtime gets postponed which I think they look on as a > reward. Any advice appreciated.
It sounds like you and your wife are not agreeing on how and when the kids should do their homework. Being a stepdad, it appears you feel you have less of a say-so about it. But it also appears you are not happy about that. Before you can address the problem with the kids, you and your wife need to talk and come to some kind of agreement on how it should be handled. Then the two of you can work together with the kids. It is extremely difficult to teach children to handle responsibility if they are receiving conflicting requirements from each parent. — Take Care! Vicki Surratt Proud Mom of Kathy (just turned 6) and Jenny (9)!
Response:
I have a similar problem to the one mentioned here and I hope someone can help me with it. Being a stepfather to two serious procrastinators (Heather, 12 and Brandon, 10) I frequently get frustrated with the situation. It usually runs like this: Either or both children remember big project at last minute after watching several hours of TV. Mom steps in and helps so much that frequently, the kid might as well not even be there. If I step in, I look like the evil stepparent. I don’t do nearly as much of the work for the kids as their mom does and I try to make them really think about the answers. They hate that but they do learn. Frequently also bedtime gets postponed which I think they look on as a reward. Any advice appreciated. Thanks in advance, Scott
Response:
>Either or both children remember >big project at last minute after watching several hours of TV. Mom steps >in and helps so much that frequently, the kid might as well not even be >there. If I step in, I look like the evil stepparent
I don’t allow my three children to watch TV at all on school nights. I encourage them to start their homework right after they get home from school, so they can get it out of the way quickly and have time for other activities, like using their computers, talking on the phone, or just reading a book. It sounds like your stepkids need a specific time to do their homework and some consequences for not doing it, such as being grounded. Lisa
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