Question:
Yeah, those people just "keep on taking" as long as it is there to take, and in the case of teens/young adults and sometimes even older like your brother, they will NEVER get responsibility unless they are forced into it, by others not enabling them and giving them a constant free ride. Good for you on your brother, and Poopie needs to do the same unless she can abide by some ground rules that would the SAME for any roommate. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > We’ll here’s one that’s not going to flame you Stephanie. There is a danger > of giving to much. Your right, the only way she will learn responsibility, > is to start practicing it. I have a brother that I love dearly, but until a > year ago I was for ever bailing him out in more than one way, as was my > mother. Then one day I woke up and smelt the coffee, I told my mother I had > no intention of getting him out of any more jams, and that she was to do the > same. Mum started giving me the "oh but he’s my son speech" and I simply > told her he’s 36 and old enough and wise enough to sort out his own > problems. I also said if she lent him any more money and I found out, we > would be having words. Well she didn’t and I didn’t, and I can honestly say > it has straightened out his life, he’s now responsible, has a good job, and > in my opinion a much happier man for it. > — > Best regards, > Linda >>>=No one can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor > Roosevelt=<<< > I will get utterly flamed for this but… Drop kick that kid of yours. If > she continues to neglect her child once on her own (from other posts) call > SRS or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods. I do not think > that > continually bailing her sorry butt out is helping ANYONE. You could > probably > stand some of this abuse from her if you were helping her any. But I just > do > not think you are. She thinks she is an adult. Well perhaps it is time she > act like one or face the real life, adult consequences of her actions. > Stephanie > > My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > > to be a premanent babysitter. > > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > > hasn’t done it yet. > > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > > hours. > > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > > threw them away. > > She lays in bed until noon. > > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > > Loev, > > PP
Response:
screemed and den tiped owt dis somewhat co hair rant: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >> If that is the case, she can pay half the rent, utilities and pay me > >> to babysit. If she wants absolute equality, then she will have to > >> have the resposibilities that go along with it. It can’t be one sided. > >> Remember she is an adult now not a kid. She is a parent. > >She’s a parent and has a job and cares for her baby. Do you recognize > >her work or are you going to pretend that such "women’s work" doesn’t > >count, like some 50’s huband, just because she doesn’t have a huge > >paycheck!!!??? > She DOES have a huge paycheck. Wow whoopeee do Steve. I am still a > parent to my younger child and have to care for him but gee Steve I > still have to pay the fucking bills. The gas company isn’t going to > have your attitude and say "Wow Poopie you are a mother and and that > counts a whole lot so you don’t have to pay your gas bills." > If everyone did like you say everything would be free for mothers. >Yup. But still. Someone’s earnings are no reason to treat them as less >than an equal person, let alone not love them. > >> If you recall the last time she left, she had destroyed her room > >> during te 3 years we lived in that house and it cost nearly $2000 to > >> repair it. Who paid for it? Me, not her. > >Shit, lady, for $2000 I can BUILD a room!! YOU must have flippantly > >decided to redectorate and are merely CALLING the cost "her damage" > >just to justify it!!! > I guess new drywall because of 2 dozen fucking hole kicked in the > walls and new carpet and new baseboards where they were rotted from > the animal feces and urine would cost fucking $2000 now would it. >Nope. Drywall is a hobby repair. It takes three tools and you can piddle >around and do it in your spare time. What did you do, replace all the >walls?? Even so that’s a rip-off! Anyway, if my kid did that I’d simply >indicate that they need to fix it, or move out. If animals are a problem >simply say no indoor pets to start with and don’t have any yourself! > You know I wouldn’t treat anyone elses home like that. I don’t care > if I liked them or not. I just wouldnt do it because it would be very > rude, immature, and wrong to do >Yup, but you have to realize that if your daughter had come to love you >she wouldn’t have treated you that way, and such hatred DOES come from >SOMETHING!! Kids simply do not naturally do that!!! >I loved my parents so If anybody I had in our home did that I’d have >been humiliated and repaired it quickly myself. Just one involuntary >sad pitiful look from either of them and I would have felt horrible. >But then they would NEVER have tried to control my life or make me feel >that I didn’t belong there either. THAT’S WHY I would have felt >horrible!! Why didn’t YOUR daughter feel that!?? >Listen: >1) There are parents who act like they know they will have to live with >their kids for the rest of their life and die in their arms, and then >live with them in heaven in the same house forever and always, and they >are careful how they treat their kids as a consequence. They treat them >like they would their best friend. >2) And then there are parents who count on their "problems" (kids) >moving out when THEY’RE done screwing them up!!!! These morons act >like their kids are uninvited guests who won’t obey them like some >kind of hired help or perhaps a neurotic pet!! > You always sound like you justify any destructive rude behavior just > because a kid is pissed off at their parent at one time or another. >"One time or another". Heheheh! You’re funny. YOU don’t seem to be able >to live with the results of your actions! >When are you going to GET IT!: NOBODY merely "acts up" or are rude or >destructive to you and your stuff UNLESS THEY HATE YOU!!! For decades >creeps like you have tried to maintain whenever that happened that your >kid is somehow magically just defective, like the "store" should give >you ANOTHER ONE or something, when the TRUTH is that YOU FUCKED THEM >UP!!! And so it’s always going to be your job to UN-fuck them up!! >Learn how to apologize and MEAN it for God’s sake, you stubborn shit! > Steve I guess you would go in and tear up your bosses office if you > were pissed off at him/her. You get poor service in a restaurant and > I guess you would just throw chairs around, shit on the floor and > knock your table over because the waiter was rude to you. Right? >My parents were neither "my bosses" nor was my family home my "work" or >some restaurant, though I can see why YOU would be confused that way, >since YOURS was! You never did figure out who those little people who >kept popping out of your butt really WERE!! But they sure were >"inconvenient" for you, weren’t they!?! > >> She seems to think it is Ok to treat the things that I own like trash. > >> I wonder how she would feel if I treated her stuff like trash? > >You REALLY don’t sound up for a revisit of your previous relationship > >with her! You sound ready to fight al over again. Do you want that? > >Steve > Yes that is exactly what I want. Fuck off Steve. I am in no mood for > your fucking bullshit today. >Tough shit. >Steve
Yawn
Response:
We’ll here’s one that’s not going to flame you Stephanie. There is a danger of giving to much. Your right, the only way she will learn responsibility, is to start practicing it. I have a brother that I love dearly, but until a year ago I was for ever bailing him out in more than one way, as was my mother. Then one day I woke up and smelt the coffee, I told my mother I had no intention of getting him out of any more jams, and that she was to do the same. Mum started giving me the "oh but he’s my son speech" and I simply told her he’s 36 and old enough and wise enough to sort out his own problems. I also said if she lent him any more money and I found out, we would be having words. Well she didn’t and I didn’t, and I can honestly say it has straightened out his life, he’s now responsible, has a good job, and in my opinion a much happier man for it. — Best regards, Linda >>=No one can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor
Roosevelt=<<<
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I will get utterly flamed for this but… Drop kick that kid of yours. If > she continues to neglect her child once on her own (from other posts) call > SRS or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods. I do not think that > continually bailing her sorry butt out is helping ANYONE. You could probably > stand some of this abuse from her if you were helping her any. But I just do > not think you are. She thinks she is an adult. Well perhaps it is time she > act like one or face the real life, adult consequences of her actions. > Stephanie > My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi, > I am wondering is this living arrangement a permanent one, or is she >planning to move out once she gets on her feet? If so, I would keep >bringing this up with her, help her look in the paper for a place. Once she >gets out on her own, she should feel better about herself, AND she might >understand more about all that you do for her that she has taken for >granted. > She was out on her own for nearly a year before she left the baby’s > father and moved back in with me. > One time when I was over visting her at her place she told me that the > reason she made such horrible messes at home etc. is because she new I > would clean them up and because it wasn’t her place. She probably > doesn’t think I remember her telling me this but I DO REMEMBER!
Your daughter is clearly taking advantage of your good and kid nature – you need to have a heart to heart with her, and set down some ground rules. As Steve says, you must respect her, but she needs to respect YOU and not use you as a free babysitter, car supplier, etc. Sure she is young and 18, but this is HER child and not yours. I suspect if you don’t do this she will take advantage of you as long as possible…… this, sadly, happens so much in young girls who have kids too soon by the wrong guy. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I certainly would address the other stuff too, make a babystting >schedule that WILL be followed and also stand firm about your car. Either >it stays the way you keep it, or else she doesn’t use it. I can understand >your wanting to help her out, but it sounds like she feels entitled to >having everything done for her. Remind her she is a mother now, and these >responsibilities fall on her, just like every other mother in the world. >Grandma’s are supposed to have a special ralationship with their >grandchildren, different from theirs with their children. You want the >chance to spoil your grandchild with secret little presents and baking cakes >and making cookies and all that. Being a mother definitely has a different >flavor. It’s her job to make her child eat his/her vegetables and potty >train and all that lovely not-so-fun stuff. > Exactly, the grandma is supposed to be for spoiling and short pleasant > visits. I raised my children and if I wanted another baby, I would > have had one myself!
Amen. > She has been told about cleaning up after herself but she doesn’t do > it. She wants to lay in bed until noon or her friend comes over and > then run with her all day until it is time to go to work. She claims > she cleans up after herself and her baby but she really doesn’t. She > doesn’t lift a finger around here to clean up anything unless I tell > her to.
If she works late I can see her sleeping late, and even if she is doing her part I don’t think it matters how much she sleeps. However, who takes care of the child while she sleeps until noon? Is the baby crying for attention or going unattended or are YOU doing it for her? She should be cleaning the area she soils and also for her child and pulling her own weight. I am constantly amazed when I see older parents, usually working established jobs in their 40’s and 50’s and sometimes with health problems, and then the young kids who think cleaning is just "too much trouble". > She isn’t a kid anymore. She is a parent and is supposed to be acting > like one.
Yup. Good luck Poopie. I don’t have daughters, but my sons know that I do not plan on raising their children if they have them and aren’t married, and the mother’s won’t take care of the children. I raised mine and they will raise theirs. I’ll be the best grandma you ever saw – but I’m not my grandkid’s "parent". Thank goodness, they have both been great in this respect, as I am one of the few people I know who don’t have grandkids out of wedlock and raising them, knock on wood. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thanks for the input. > Loev, > PP > Best of luck to you, you sound >like a loving mom. >Karyn >> My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I >> babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going >> to be a premanent babysitter. >> So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 >> weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. >> Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, >> and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. >> I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still >> hasn’t done it yet. >> Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides >> with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday >> she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 >> hours. >> Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with >> girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her >> stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I >> babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, >> "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in >> case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, >> "Sorry" and walked out the door. >> Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers >> laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and >> threw them away. >> She lays in bed until noon. >> What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an >> adult but she isn’t acting like one. >> I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she >> can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. >> Loev, >> PP
Response:
screemed and den tiped owt dis somewhat co hair rant: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Charlene, you know how Steve is so I wouldn’t pay any attention to his > ramblings. He seems to think that kids don’t have to follow any rules > and if their parents pissed them off, they are free to do whatever > they want to regardless of who or what it hurts. > Loev, > PP >You can’t remember anything I’ve said accurately because as soon as you >read it you change it into something else in your mind. >Kids or any other persons are nice to people who are nice to them, and >they hate the people who clearly hate them. You reap what you sow. >Whatever your kids do to you is a result of how you treated them. >Pretending you always get to have your way and someone else doesn’t is >bound to make them hate you. "Rules", for people like you are basically >to keep others from treating YOU JUST like you treat THEM!! >Those of us who treat our children decently don’t even NEED any "rules". >Simple good will entirely and sufficiently replaces them!! >Steve
And you know what you can do with your blather.
Response:
I will get utterly flamed for this but… Drop kick that kid of yours. If she continues to neglect her child once on her own (from other posts) call SRS or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods. I do not think that continually bailing her sorry butt out is helping ANYONE. You could probably stand some of this abuse from her if you were helping her any. But I just do not think you are. She thinks she is an adult. Well perhaps it is time she act like one or face the real life, adult consequences of her actions. Stephanie
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
Response:
hair rant: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You’ve been reading idiot books again. That author is an apologist for > authoritarian abuse of one’s children. She doesn’t understand how to do > much of anything but "get tough", which is how "Tough Love" got a bad > reputation, sending hundreds of thousands of teens out on the streets > and getting the authors of that program sued a dozen times over for its > incompetence!! Authority does NOT work! Don’t be fooled, the foolish > tale she tells is emotionally satisfying to vengeful parents, but > doesn’t actually work! >Have you read this book Steve? I ask because her philosophies, from what I >have been able to discern so far, are actually quite similar to yours in >that she does not advocate punishment in any shape or form (even time outs) >and is in favor of raising children in an environment which is condusive to >mutual respect. I have read almost half of the book, and I have yet to see >one place where she speaks about authority and "authoritative abuse" except >in the chapter where is she describing the different types of families, the >latter being placed in the "brick wall" category, which she condemns. >Maybe you should pick up a copy and read it before you go off on your >tangent any further about the "idiot books" I read. >….Charlene
Charlene, you know how Steve is so I wouldn’t pay any attention to his ramblings. He seems to think that kids don’t have to follow any rules and if their parents pissed them off, they are free to do whatever they want to regardless of who or what it hurts. Loev, PP
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> If that is the case, she can pay half the rent, utilities and pay me >> to babysit. If she wants absolute equality, then she will have to >> have the resposibilities that go along with it. It can’t be one sided. >> Remember she is an adult now not a kid. She is a parent. >She’s a parent and has a job and cares for her baby. Do you recognize >her work or are you going to pretend that such "women’s work" doesn’t >count, like some 50’s huband, just because she doesn’t have a huge >paycheck!!!??? > She DOES have a huge paycheck. Wow whoopeee do Steve. I am still a > parent to my younger child and have to care for him but gee Steve I > still have to pay the fucking bills. The gas company isn’t going to > have your attitude and say "Wow Poopie you are a mother and and that > counts a whole lot so you don’t have to pay your gas bills." > If everyone did like you say everything would be free for mothers.
Yup. But still. Someone’s earnings are no reason to treat them as less than an equal person, let alone not love them. >> If you recall the last time she left, she had destroyed her room >> during te 3 years we lived in that house and it cost nearly $2000 to >> repair it. Who paid for it? Me, not her. >Shit, lady, for $2000 I can BUILD a room!! YOU must have flippantly >decided to redectorate and are merely CALLING the cost "her damage" >just to justify it!!! > I guess new drywall because of 2 dozen fucking hole kicked in the > walls and new carpet and new baseboards where they were rotted from > the animal feces and urine would cost fucking $2000 now would it.
Nope. Drywall is a hobby repair. It takes three tools and you can piddle around and do it in your spare time. What did you do, replace all the walls?? Even so that’s a rip-off! Anyway, if my kid did that I’d simply indicate that they need to fix it, or move out. If animals are a problem simply say no indoor pets to start with and don’t have any yourself! > You know I wouldn’t treat anyone elses home like that. I don’t care > if I liked them or not. I just wouldnt do it because it would be very > rude, immature, and wrong to do
Yup, but you have to realize that if your daughter had come to love you she wouldn’t have treated you that way, and such hatred DOES come from SOMETHING!! Kids simply do not naturally do that!!! I loved my parents so If anybody I had in our home did that I’d have been humiliated and repaired it quickly myself. Just one involuntary sad pitiful look from either of them and I would have felt horrible. But then they would NEVER have tried to control my life or make me feel that I didn’t belong there either. THAT’S WHY I would have felt horrible!! Why didn’t YOUR daughter feel that!?? Listen: 1) There are parents who act like they know they will have to live with their kids for the rest of their life and die in their arms, and then live with them in heaven in the same house forever and always, and they are careful how they treat their kids as a consequence. They treat them like they would their best friend. 2) And then there are parents who count on their "problems" (kids) moving out when THEY’RE done screwing them up!!!! These morons act like their kids are uninvited guests who won’t obey them like some kind of hired help or perhaps a neurotic pet!! > You always sound like you justify any destructive rude behavior just > because a kid is pissed off at their parent at one time or another.
"One time or another". Heheheh! You’re funny. YOU don’t seem to be able to live with the results of your actions! When are you going to GET IT!: NOBODY merely "acts up" or are rude or destructive to you and your stuff UNLESS THEY HATE YOU!!! For decades creeps like you have tried to maintain whenever that happened that your kid is somehow magically just defective, like the "store" should give you ANOTHER ONE or something, when the TRUTH is that YOU FUCKED THEM UP!!! And so it’s always going to be your job to UN-fuck them up!! Learn how to apologize and MEAN it for God’s sake, you stubborn shit! > Steve I guess you would go in and tear up your bosses office if you > were pissed off at him/her. You get poor service in a restaurant and > I guess you would just throw chairs around, shit on the floor and > knock your table over because the waiter was rude to you. Right?
My parents were neither "my bosses" nor was my family home my "work" or some restaurant, though I can see why YOU would be confused that way, since YOURS was! You never did figure out who those little people who kept popping out of your butt really WERE!! But they sure were "inconvenient" for you, weren’t they!?! >> She seems to think it is Ok to treat the things that I own like trash. >> I wonder how she would feel if I treated her stuff like trash? >You REALLY don’t sound up for a revisit of your previous relationship >with her! You sound ready to fight al over again. Do you want that? >Steve > Yes that is exactly what I want. Fuck off Steve. I am in no mood for > your fucking bullshit today.
Tough shit. Steve
Response:
> Charlene, you know how Steve is so I wouldn’t pay any attention to his > ramblings. He seems to think that kids don’t have to follow any rules > and if their parents pissed them off, they are free to do whatever > they want to regardless of who or what it hurts. > Loev, > PP
You can’t remember anything I’ve said accurately because as soon as you read it you change it into something else in your mind. Kids or any other persons are nice to people who are nice to them, and they hate the people who clearly hate them. You reap what you sow. Whatever your kids do to you is a result of how you treated them. Pretending you always get to have your way and someone else doesn’t is bound to make them hate you. "Rules", for people like you are basically to keep others from treating YOU JUST like you treat THEM!! Those of us who treat our children decently don’t even NEED any "rules". Simple good will entirely and sufficiently replaces them!! Steve
Response:
screemed and den tiped owt dis somewhat co hair rant: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >> She was out on her own for nearly a year before she left the baby’s > >> father and moved back in with me. > >> One time when I was over visting her at her place she told me that the > >> reason she made such horrible messes at home etc. is because she new I > >> would clean them up and because it wasn’t her place. She probably > >> doesn’t think I remember her telling me this but I DO REMEMBER! > >She probably does. But what you need to take away from that is that she > >never felt like she was home even when she lived with you!! Ask yourself > >what makes a teen think her own home "wasn’t her place"!!!??? > Oh well the past is the past and there isn’t a damn thing I can do > about that. She is an adult now. She will have to start acting like > one. >As should YOU! You CAN make her feel she is home NOW!! > > Might it > >be the insulting way you treated her from a fairly young age regarding > >whether she got to live the way she WANTED in HER HOME, IN HER ROOM and > >the rest of it which she used, just like anyone else would certainly > >demand!!! My experience is that a kid who is treated absolutely equally, > >like a housemate, with full discretionary power over HER part of it then > >FEELS like she wants to be there and wants it to be nice! They feel it > >is THEIR place TOO!! Then and ONLY then do they take good care of it!! > If that is the case, she can pay half the rent, utilities and pay me > to babysit. If she wants absolute equality, then she will have to > have the resposibilities that go along with it. It can’t be one sided. > Remember she is an adult now not a kid. She is a parent. >She’s a parent and has a job and cares for her baby. Do you recognize >her work or are you going to pretend that such "women’s work" doesn’t >count, like some 50’s huband, just because she doesn’t have a huge >paycheck!!!???
She DOES have a huge paycheck. Wow whoopeee do Steve. I am still a parent to my younger child and have to care for him but gee Steve I still have to pay the fucking bills. The gas company isn’t going to have your attitude and say "Wow Poopie you are a mother and and that counts a whole lot so you don’t have to pay your gas bills." If everyone did like you say everything would be free for mothers. > If you recall the last time she left, she had destroyed her room > during te 3 years we lived in that house and it cost nearly $2000 to > repair it. Who paid for it? Me, not her. >Shit, lady, for $2000 I can BUILD a room!! YOU must have flippantly >decided to redectorate and are merely CALLING the cost "her damage" >just to justify it!!!
I guess new drywall because of 2 dozen fucking hole kicked in the walls and new carpet and new baseboards where they were rotted from the animal feces and urine would cost fucking $2000 now would it. You know I wouldn’t treat anyone elses home like that. I don’t care if I liked them or not. I just wouldnt do it because it would be very rude, immature, and wrong to do You always sound like you justify any destructive rude behavior just because a kid is pissed off at their parent at one time or another. Steve I guess you would go in and tear up your bosses office if you were pissed off at him/her. You get poor service in a restaurant and I guess you would just throw chairs around, shit on the floor and knock your table over because the waiter was rude to you. Right? > She seems to think it is Ok to treat the things that I own like trash. > I wonder how she would feel if I treated her stuff like trash? >You REALLY don’t sound up for a revisit of your previous relationship >with her! You sound ready to fight al over again. Do you want that? >Steve
Yes that is exactly what I want. Fuck off Steve. I am in no mood for your fucking bullshit today.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You’ve been reading idiot books again. That author is an apologist for > authoritarian abuse of one’s children. She doesn’t understand how to do > much of anything but "get tough", which is how "Tough Love" got a bad > reputation, sending hundreds of thousands of teens out on the streets > and getting the authors of that program sued a dozen times over for its > incompetence!! Authority does NOT work! Don’t be fooled, the foolish > tale she tells is emotionally satisfying to vengeful parents, but > doesn’t actually work! > Have you read this book Steve? I ask because her philosophies, from what I > have been able to discern so far, are actually quite similar to yours in > that she does not advocate punishment in any shape or form (even time outs) > and is in favor of raising children in an environment which is condusive to > mutual respect. I have read almost half of the book, and I have yet to see > one place where she speaks about authority and "authoritative abuse" except > in the chapter where is she describing the different types of families, the > latter being placed in the "brick wall" category, which she condemns. > Maybe you should pick up a copy and read it before you go off on your > tangent any further about the "idiot books" I read. > ….Charlene
I go by what I read here. If she said what the poster alleged she said, then she was wrong in what she said. If she lied about the author, then I am not talking about that author. If the shoe fits… Steve – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > Often the result is that they have > > problems such as the ones you are experiencing with your daughter, when > > their kids grow to be adults. > No. That’s NOT true. That’s NOT how this happens. > Poopie simply doesn’t know how to establish proper boundaries, either > her own, nor how to respect her daughter’s boundaries! > She either tries to walk all over her daughter’s autonomy, rampantly > insulting her, or else she lets her daughter walk all over her, when > she should actually do NEITHER!!! > She keeps getting being nice mixed up with being a doormat, and she gets > her being confident mixed up with insulting and abusing another person. > She needs to learn BOTH kinds of boundaries, as does her daughter. But > she must indicate what she will tolerate and not have it overstep proper > human interrelations. > That seems difficult for her, she seems to think either she must rule or > her daughter must rule over her!!! Actually she should shortcircuit ALL > attempts by EITHER of them for dominance!! > > I know that there is no sense rehashing the past, and wondering what you > > could have done differently at this point, so in my opinion, what you > need > > to do now is what you probably should have done when she was growing up. > > Draw some very clear, very consise boundaries and do not let her cross > the > > line. Ever. Ask her to clean the car, once. Give her one day to get it > done. > > If it isn’t done that day, then she doesn’t get to use the car the next > time > > she wants to. End of story. > That’s fine, but that is only one instance. > > The next time she abuses the free babysitting priviledges she is getting > > from you (which she should be very grateful for…there are many people, > > myself included, who do not have this luxury!) tell her in no uncertain > > terms that you will no longer babysit for her for free if it is done > again. > > Period. > Well, that depends on what you interpret as "abusing free babysitting". > If you try to use it to control her life she may well simply leave and > never bother with her mother again!! Then her mother loses her child AND > her grandchild. > If you only use it to protect your OWN boundaries and not to assault > hers then it is understandable, but all too often controlling parents > simply cannot help mixing those issues up irremediably and blowing it > totally. > Example: "Sleeping till noon". If she is working (late?) then when she > sleeps simply isn’t PP’s business if she is not expecting PP to babysit > for her during that time!! And if she IS then it STILL may not be: This > is where two people’s boundaries rub together! Likewise the way she > keeps her room is not a fair subject of that coercion. > If you demand only what is fair then your child will apologize and move > on, but if you demand control of them they will be insulted and will > leave or assault and insult you in return! > > Don’t be wishy-washy and mini-lecture her, saying "gee, daughter, I > really > > wish that you would call and let me know when you will be late next > time, it > > inconveniences me. I also wish that you would keep your room > cleaner…." as > > she will likely not even absorb that, and the behaviour will just > continue. > But neither can you DARE, anymore than you would with your OWN friends, > to try to order her around. If you do you’re being disrespectful and > dishonoring. If you phrase it as an order you will fail. > Instead you indicate that you simply won’t want to keep living together > if something continues then you can make it plain that you won’t help > her with your car or babysitting, and then don’t give her your car keys. > If she takes off without her child when you didn’t offer to babysit then > show up at her work and hand her her child and walk out. You will have > to accept that she may not wish to see you again at some point if you’re > too nasty about anything, however. You raised her so you’re stuck with > your blame for some of that, live with it or do without her and your > grandchild! Some things have no good one-sided answer after you left the > cake out in the rain!! Sometimes all you can do is try to be nice but > don’t get walked on. > Steve
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> She was out on her own for nearly a year before she left the baby’s >> father and moved back in with me. >> One time when I was over visting her at her place she told me that the >> reason she made such horrible messes at home etc. is because she new I >> would clean them up and because it wasn’t her place. She probably >> doesn’t think I remember her telling me this but I DO REMEMBER! >She probably does. But what you need to take away from that is that she >never felt like she was home even when she lived with you!! Ask yourself >what makes a teen think her own home "wasn’t her place"!!!??? > Oh well the past is the past and there isn’t a damn thing I can do > about that. She is an adult now. She will have to start acting like > one.
As should YOU! You CAN make her feel she is home NOW!! > Might it >be the insulting way you treated her from a fairly young age regarding >whether she got to live the way she WANTED in HER HOME, IN HER ROOM and >the rest of it which she used, just like anyone else would certainly >demand!!! My experience is that a kid who is treated absolutely equally, >like a housemate, with full discretionary power over HER part of it then >FEELS like she wants to be there and wants it to be nice! They feel it >is THEIR place TOO!! Then and ONLY then do they take good care of it!! > If that is the case, she can pay half the rent, utilities and pay me > to babysit. If she wants absolute equality, then she will have to > have the resposibilities that go along with it. It can’t be one sided. > Remember she is an adult now not a kid. She is a parent.
She’s a parent and has a job and cares for her baby. Do you recognize her work or are you going to pretend that such "women’s work" doesn’t count, like some 50’s huband, just because she doesn’t have a huge paycheck!!!??? > If you recall the last time she left, she had destroyed her room > during te 3 years we lived in that house and it cost nearly $2000 to > repair it. Who paid for it? Me, not her.
Shit, lady, for $2000 I can BUILD a room!! YOU must have flippantly decided to redectorate and are merely CALLING the cost "her damage" just to justify it!!! > She seems to think it is Ok to treat the things that I own like trash. > I wonder how she would feel if I treated her stuff like trash?
You REALLY don’t sound up for a revisit of your previous relationship with her! You sound ready to fight al over again. Do you want that? Steve – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> Exactly, the grandma is supposed to be for spoiling and short pleasant >> visits. I raised my children and if I wanted another baby, I would >> have had one myself! >Well, you need the kind of relationship where you can say those kind of >things and where she can say a bunch of things that might actually >surprise you too!! Try friendship! See what happens! >> She has been told about cleaning up after herself but she doesn’t do >> it. She wants to lay in bed until noon or her friend comes over and >> then run with her all day until it is time to go to work. She claims >> she cleans up after herself and her baby but she really doesn’t. She >> doesn’t lift a finger around here to clean up anything unless I tell >> her to. >Explain to her that you two don’t agree about the way you both live. >Tell her you want to divide the house with her, since she should have >HER OWN household! Then you need to actively limit where she can be, >and NAME it as HERS to do as she wishes, and I think you will see a VERY >different kind of behavior out of her! Then YOU stay out of her space >and vice versa! >When a bunch of people who had never liked renting shitholes and who >lived in squalor were GIVEN homes which they OWNED by a foundation as >part of an experiment, they took excellent care of them and made them >their own in their spirit and the way they treated them. >Previously in their life they had felt only insulted by being pushed >around from place to place when none of them were really theirs and >when they couldn’t really control anything about them! When this ended >their resentment of the landlords through their property ended also!!! >And so did their little petty tokens of their disregard!! >Steve
Response:
> You’ve been reading idiot books again. That author is an apologist for > authoritarian abuse of one’s children. She doesn’t understand how to do > much of anything but "get tough", which is how "Tough Love" got a bad > reputation, sending hundreds of thousands of teens out on the streets > and getting the authors of that program sued a dozen times over for its > incompetence!! Authority does NOT work! Don’t be fooled, the foolish > tale she tells is emotionally satisfying to vengeful parents, but > doesn’t actually work!
Have you read this book Steve? I ask because her philosophies, from what I have been able to discern so far, are actually quite similar to yours in that she does not advocate punishment in any shape or form (even time outs) and is in favor of raising children in an environment which is condusive to mutual respect. I have read almost half of the book, and I have yet to see one place where she speaks about authority and "authoritative abuse" except in the chapter where is she describing the different types of families, the latter being placed in the "brick wall" category, which she condemns. Maybe you should pick up a copy and read it before you go off on your tangent any further about the "idiot books" I read. ….Charlene – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Often the result is that they have > problems such as the ones you are experiencing with your daughter, when > their kids grow to be adults. > No. That’s NOT true. That’s NOT how this happens. > Poopie simply doesn’t know how to establish proper boundaries, either > her own, nor how to respect her daughter’s boundaries! > She either tries to walk all over her daughter’s autonomy, rampantly > insulting her, or else she lets her daughter walk all over her, when > she should actually do NEITHER!!! > She keeps getting being nice mixed up with being a doormat, and she gets > her being confident mixed up with insulting and abusing another person. > She needs to learn BOTH kinds of boundaries, as does her daughter. But > she must indicate what she will tolerate and not have it overstep proper > human interrelations. > That seems difficult for her, she seems to think either she must rule or > her daughter must rule over her!!! Actually she should shortcircuit ALL > attempts by EITHER of them for dominance!! > I know that there is no sense rehashing the past, and wondering what you > could have done differently at this point, so in my opinion, what you need > to do now is what you probably should have done when she was growing up. > Draw some very clear, very consise boundaries and do not let her cross the > line. Ever. Ask her to clean the car, once. Give her one day to get it done. > If it isn’t done that day, then she doesn’t get to use the car the next time > she wants to. End of story. > That’s fine, but that is only one instance. > The next time she abuses the free babysitting priviledges she is getting > from you (which she should be very grateful for…there are many people, > myself included, who do not have this luxury!) tell her in no uncertain > terms that you will no longer babysit for her for free if it is done again. > Period. > Well, that depends on what you interpret as "abusing free babysitting". > If you try to use it to control her life she may well simply leave and > never bother with her mother again!! Then her mother loses her child AND > her grandchild. > If you only use it to protect your OWN boundaries and not to assault > hers then it is understandable, but all too often controlling parents > simply cannot help mixing those issues up irremediably and blowing it > totally. > Example: "Sleeping till noon". If she is working (late?) then when she > sleeps simply isn’t PP’s business if she is not expecting PP to babysit > for her during that time!! And if she IS then it STILL may not be: This > is where two people’s boundaries rub together! Likewise the way she > keeps her room is not a fair subject of that coercion. > If you demand only what is fair then your child will apologize and move > on, but if you demand control of them they will be insulted and will > leave or assault and insult you in return! > Don’t be wishy-washy and mini-lecture her, saying "gee, daughter, I really > wish that you would call and let me know when you will be late next time, it > inconveniences me. I also wish that you would keep your room cleaner…." as > she will likely not even absorb that, and the behaviour will just continue. > But neither can you DARE, anymore than you would with your OWN friends, > to try to order her around. If you do you’re being disrespectful and > dishonoring. If you phrase it as an order you will fail. > Instead you indicate that you simply won’t want to keep living together > if something continues then you can make it plain that you won’t help > her with your car or babysitting, and then don’t give her your car keys. > If she takes off without her child when you didn’t offer to babysit then > show up at her work and hand her her child and walk out. You will have > to accept that she may not wish to see you again at some point if you’re > too nasty about anything, however. You raised her so you’re stuck with > your blame for some of that, live with it or do without her and your > grandchild! Some things have no good one-sided answer after you left the > cake out in the rain!! Sometimes all you can do is try to be nice but > don’t get walked on. > Steve
Response:
>> She was out on her own for nearly a year before she left the baby’s > father and moved back in with me. > One time when I was over visting her at her place she told me that the > reason she made such horrible messes at home etc. is because she new I > would clean them up and because it wasn’t her place. She probably > doesn’t think I remember her telling me this but I DO REMEMBER! >She probably does. But what you need to take away from that is that she >never felt like she was home even when she lived with you!! Ask yourself >what makes a teen think her own home "wasn’t her place"!!!???
Oh well the past is the past and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that. She is an adult now. She will have to start acting like one. > Might it >be the insulting way you treated her from a fairly young age regarding >whether she got to live the way she WANTED in HER HOME, IN HER ROOM and >the rest of it which she used, just like anyone else would certainly >demand!!! My experience is that a kid who is treated absolutely equally, >like a housemate, with full discretionary power over HER part of it then >FEELS like she wants to be there and wants it to be nice! They feel it >is THEIR place TOO!! Then and ONLY then do they take good care of it!!
If that is the case, she can pay half the rent, utilities and pay me to babysit. If she wants absolute equality, then she will have to have the resposibilities that go along with it. It can’t be one sided. Remember she is an adult now not a kid. She is a parent. If you recall the last time she left, she had destroyed her room during te 3 years we lived in that house and it cost nearly $2000 to repair it. Who paid for it? Me, not her. She seems to think it is Ok to treat the things that I own like trash. I wonder how she would feel if I treated her stuff like trash? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Exactly, the grandma is supposed to be for spoiling and short pleasant > visits. I raised my children and if I wanted another baby, I would > have had one myself! >Well, you need the kind of relationship where you can say those kind of >things and where she can say a bunch of things that might actually >surprise you too!! Try friendship! See what happens! > She has been told about cleaning up after herself but she doesn’t do > it. She wants to lay in bed until noon or her friend comes over and > then run with her all day until it is time to go to work. She claims > she cleans up after herself and her baby but she really doesn’t. She > doesn’t lift a finger around here to clean up anything unless I tell > her to. >Explain to her that you two don’t agree about the way you both live. >Tell her you want to divide the house with her, since she should have >HER OWN household! Then you need to actively limit where she can be, >and NAME it as HERS to do as she wishes, and I think you will see a VERY >different kind of behavior out of her! Then YOU stay out of her space >and vice versa! >When a bunch of people who had never liked renting shitholes and who >lived in squalor were GIVEN homes which they OWNED by a foundation as >part of an experiment, they took excellent care of them and made them >their own in their spirit and the way they treated them. >Previously in their life they had felt only insulted by being pushed >around from place to place when none of them were really theirs and >when they couldn’t really control anything about them! When this ended >their resentment of the landlords through their property ended also!!! >And so did their little petty tokens of their disregard!! >Steve
Response:
> She was out on her own for nearly a year before she left the baby’s > father and moved back in with me. > One time when I was over visting her at her place she told me that the > reason she made such horrible messes at home etc. is because she new I > would clean them up and because it wasn’t her place. She probably > doesn’t think I remember her telling me this but I DO REMEMBER!
She probably does. But what you need to take away from that is that she never felt like she was home even when she lived with you!! Ask yourself what makes a teen think her own home "wasn’t her place"!!!??? Might it be the insulting way you treated her from a fairly young age regarding whether she got to live the way she WANTED in HER HOME, IN HER ROOM and the rest of it which she used, just like anyone else would certainly demand!!! My experience is that a kid who is treated absolutely equally, like a housemate, with full discretionary power over HER part of it then FEELS like she wants to be there and wants it to be nice! They feel it is THEIR place TOO!! Then and ONLY then do they take good care of it!! > Exactly, the grandma is supposed to be for spoiling and short pleasant > visits. I raised my children and if I wanted another baby, I would > have had one myself!
Well, you need the kind of relationship where you can say those kind of things and where she can say a bunch of things that might actually surprise you too!! Try friendship! See what happens! > She has been told about cleaning up after herself but she doesn’t do > it. She wants to lay in bed until noon or her friend comes over and > then run with her all day until it is time to go to work. She claims > she cleans up after herself and her baby but she really doesn’t. She > doesn’t lift a finger around here to clean up anything unless I tell > her to.
Explain to her that you two don’t agree about the way you both live. Tell her you want to divide the house with her, since she should have HER OWN household! Then you need to actively limit where she can be, and NAME it as HERS to do as she wishes, and I think you will see a VERY different kind of behavior out of her! Then YOU stay out of her space and vice versa! When a bunch of people who had never liked renting shitholes and who lived in squalor were GIVEN homes which they OWNED by a foundation as part of an experiment, they took excellent care of them and made them their own in their spirit and the way they treated them. Previously in their life they had felt only insulted by being pushed around from place to place when none of them were really theirs and when they couldn’t really control anything about them! When this ended their resentment of the landlords through their property ended also!!! And so did their little petty tokens of their disregard!! Steve
Response:
> I forgot to say one thing. A friend wouldn’t treat me like the way > she does. 
> Loev, > PP
Quite right! But, on the other hand, YOU have the choice on your own as to whether to try to make her your friend or not!! Don’t assume that she should be your friend just because she’s your daughter!! Make sure you TREAT HER EXACTLY as you would your friend if you want her to ACT like YOUR friend!!! People often bemoan how they are treated and ignore how they treat those other people. Steve
Response:
> Poopie; > I hate to make judgements against you, so I apologize in advance if this > isn’t the case, but it seems to me by reading this message that you are a > pretty permissive parent, and probably always have been. Barbara Coloroso > writes about this in her book, "Children are worth it" (which I am currently > reading, and have mentioned a few times already!) and her term for this > families using style of parenting is "Jellyfish families". It describes > families were the parents, or the guardians, aim to be more of a friend to > their child then a person of authority.
You’ve been reading idiot books again. That author is an apologist for authoritarian abuse of one’s children. She doesn’t understand how to do much of anything but "get tough", which is how "Tough Love" got a bad reputation, sending hundreds of thousands of teens out on the streets and getting the authors of that program sued a dozen times over for its incompetence!! Authority does NOT work! Don’t be fooled, the foolish tale she tells is emotionally satisfying to vengeful parents, but doesn’t actually work! > Often the result is that they have > problems such as the ones you are experiencing with your daughter, when > their kids grow to be adults.
No. That’s NOT true. That’s NOT how this happens. Poopie simply doesn’t know how to establish proper boundaries, either her own, nor how to respect her daughter’s boundaries! She either tries to walk all over her daughter’s autonomy, rampantly insulting her, or else she lets her daughter walk all over her, when she should actually do NEITHER!!! She keeps getting being nice mixed up with being a doormat, and she gets her being confident mixed up with insulting and abusing another person. She needs to learn BOTH kinds of boundaries, as does her daughter. But she must indicate what she will tolerate and not have it overstep proper human interrelations. That seems difficult for her, she seems to think either she must rule or her daughter must rule over her!!! Actually she should shortcircuit ALL attempts by EITHER of them for dominance!! > I know that there is no sense rehashing the past, and wondering what you > could have done differently at this point, so in my opinion, what you need > to do now is what you probably should have done when she was growing up. > Draw some very clear, very consise boundaries and do not let her cross the > line. Ever. Ask her to clean the car, once. Give her one day to get it done. > If it isn’t done that day, then she doesn’t get to use the car the next time > she wants to. End of story.
That’s fine, but that is only one instance. > The next time she abuses the free babysitting priviledges she is getting > from you (which she should be very grateful for…there are many people, > myself included, who do not have this luxury!) tell her in no uncertain > terms that you will no longer babysit for her for free if it is done again. > Period.
Well, that depends on what you interpret as "abusing free babysitting". If you try to use it to control her life she may well simply leave and never bother with her mother again!! Then her mother loses her child AND her grandchild. If you only use it to protect your OWN boundaries and not to assault hers then it is understandable, but all too often controlling parents simply cannot help mixing those issues up irremediably and blowing it totally. Example: "Sleeping till noon". If she is working (late?) then when she sleeps simply isn’t PP’s business if she is not expecting PP to babysit for her during that time!! And if she IS then it STILL may not be: This is where two people’s boundaries rub together! Likewise the way she keeps her room is not a fair subject of that coercion. If you demand only what is fair then your child will apologize and move on, but if you demand control of them they will be insulted and will leave or assault and insult you in return! > Don’t be wishy-washy and mini-lecture her, saying "gee, daughter, I really > wish that you would call and let me know when you will be late next time, it > inconveniences me. I also wish that you would keep your room cleaner…." as > she will likely not even absorb that, and the behaviour will just continue.
But neither can you DARE, anymore than you would with your OWN friends, to try to order her around. If you do you’re being disrespectful and dishonoring. If you phrase it as an order you will fail. Instead you indicate that you simply won’t want to keep living together if something continues then you can make it plain that you won’t help her with your car or babysitting, and then don’t give her your car keys. If she takes off without her child when you didn’t offer to babysit then show up at her work and hand her her child and walk out. You will have to accept that she may not wish to see you again at some point if you’re too nasty about anything, however. You raised her so you’re stuck with your blame for some of that, live with it or do without her and your grandchild! Some things have no good one-sided answer after you left the cake out in the rain!! Sometimes all you can do is try to be nice but don’t get walked on. Steve
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
Hi Poopie. You need not accept getting walked on about your car. Make her clean it up or she can’t use it. That’s reasonable. If you can smell dirty diapers then she can clean those up or go elsewhere. If she is sleeping till noon is she working nights?? Leave her be about that, unless your REAL complaint is making YOU babysit while she sleeps overly long. Merely tell her you will only be available for babysitting for a certain period of time and then stick to it. And get a life, Poop. You agonize waaay too much about this stuff! Steve
Response:
>Poopie; >I hate to make judgements against you, so I apologize in advance if this >isn’t the case, but it seems to me by reading this message that you are a >pretty permissive parent, and probably always have been. Barbara Coloroso >writes about this in her book, "Children are worth it" (which I am currently >reading, and have mentioned a few times already!) and her term for this >families using style of parenting is "Jellyfish families". It describes >families were the parents, or the guardians, aim to be more of a friend to >their child then a person of authority.
I forgot to say one thing. A friend wouldn’t treat me like the way she does. Loev, PP
Response:
>Hi, > I am wondering is this living arrangement a permanent one, or is she >planning to move out once she gets on her feet? If so, I would keep >bringing this up with her, help her look in the paper for a place. Once she >gets out on her own, she should feel better about herself, AND she might >understand more about all that you do for her that she has taken for >granted.
She was out on her own for nearly a year before she left the baby’s father and moved back in with me. One time when I was over visting her at her place she told me that the reason she made such horrible messes at home etc. is because she new I would clean them up and because it wasn’t her place. She probably doesn’t think I remember her telling me this but I DO REMEMBER! > I certainly would address the other stuff too, make a babystting >schedule that WILL be followed and also stand firm about your car. Either >it stays the way you keep it, or else she doesn’t use it. I can understand >your wanting to help her out, but it sounds like she feels entitled to >having everything done for her. Remind her she is a mother now, and these >responsibilities fall on her, just like every other mother in the world. >Grandma’s are supposed to have a special ralationship with their >grandchildren, different from theirs with their children. You want the >chance to spoil your grandchild with secret little presents and baking cakes >and making cookies and all that. Being a mother definitely has a different >flavor. It’s her job to make her child eat his/her vegetables and potty >train and all that lovely not-so-fun stuff.
Exactly, the grandma is supposed to be for spoiling and short pleasant visits. I raised my children and if I wanted another baby, I would have had one myself! She has been told about cleaning up after herself but she doesn’t do it. She wants to lay in bed until noon or her friend comes over and then run with her all day until it is time to go to work. She claims she cleans up after herself and her baby but she really doesn’t. She doesn’t lift a finger around here to clean up anything unless I tell her to. She isn’t a kid anymore. She is a parent and is supposed to be acting like one. Thanks for the input. Loev, PP Best of luck to you, you sound – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->like a loving mom. >Karyn > My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
Response:
>Poopie; >I hate to make judgements against you, so I apologize in advance if this >isn’t the case, but it seems to me by reading this message that you are a >pretty permissive parent, and probably always have been. Barbara Coloroso
No problem. I have been and I know it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->writes about this in her book, "Children are worth it" (which I am currently >reading, and have mentioned a few times already!) and her term for this >families using style of parenting is "Jellyfish families". It describes >families were the parents, or the guardians, aim to be more of a friend to >their child then a person of authority. Often the result is that they have >problems such as the ones you are experiencing with your daughter, when >their kids grow to be adults. >I know that there is no sense rehashing the past, and wondering what you >could have done differently at this point, so in my opinion, what you need >to do now is what you probably should have done when she was growing up. >Draw some very clear, very consise boundaries and do not let her cross the >line. Ever. Ask her to clean the car, once. Give her one day to get it done. >If it isn’t done that day, then she doesn’t get to use the car the next time >she wants to. End of story. >The next time she abuses the free babysitting priviledges she is getting >from you (which she should be very grateful for…there are many people, >myself included, who do not have this luxury!) tell her in no uncertain >terms that you will no longer babysit for her for free if it is done again. >Period.
I think that is what I will do. Just tell her that she needs to clean the car. Frankly, I am not interested in babysitting at all. Loev, PP PS How are you doing? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Don’t be wishy-washy and mini-lecture her, saying "gee, daughter, I really >wish that you would call and let me know when you will be late next time, it >inconveniences me. I also wish that you would keep your room cleaner…." as >she will likely not even absorb that, and the behaviour will just continue. >I am not trying to come off as some sort of expert. For from it, in fact. >The reason I am reading these books and seeking the advice of parents who >have successfully raised their kids to be happy, healthy adults, is because >I am having these same sorts of problems myself. Already I know that >changing my parenting style is affecting the kids in a positive way – it is >obvious by the new attitudes I see emerging in them. Good luck, and I hope >this turns around for you soon. >– >…Charlene >http://family.krueger.ws/charlene >fulltime stepmom to Kaitlin – 12 >Bio mom to Danielle – 8, James – 2, and Courtney – 4mos. > My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
Response:
Hi, I am wondering is this living arrangement a permanent one, or is she planning to move out once she gets on her feet? If so, I would keep bringing this up with her, help her look in the paper for a place. Once she gets out on her own, she should feel better about herself, AND she might understand more about all that you do for her that she has taken for granted. I certainly would address the other stuff too, make a babystting schedule that WILL be followed and also stand firm about your car. Either it stays the way you keep it, or else she doesn’t use it. I can understand your wanting to help her out, but it sounds like she feels entitled to having everything done for her. Remind her she is a mother now, and these responsibilities fall on her, just like every other mother in the world. Grandma’s are supposed to have a special ralationship with their grandchildren, different from theirs with their children. You want the chance to spoil your grandchild with secret little presents and baking cakes and making cookies and all that. Being a mother definitely has a different flavor. It’s her job to make her child eat his/her vegetables and potty train and all that lovely not-so-fun stuff. Best of luck to you, you sound like a loving mom. Karyn
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
Response:
My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going to be a premanent babysitter. So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still hasn’t done it yet. Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 hours. Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, "Sorry" and walked out the door. Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and threw them away. She lays in bed until noon. What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an adult but she isn’t acting like one. I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. Loev, PP
Response:
>I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she >can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up.
Good for you. Kick butt. Your subject line says it all.
Response:
Poopie; I hate to make judgements against you, so I apologize in advance if this isn’t the case, but it seems to me by reading this message that you are a pretty permissive parent, and probably always have been. Barbara Coloroso writes about this in her book, "Children are worth it" (which I am currently reading, and have mentioned a few times already!) and her term for this families using style of parenting is "Jellyfish families". It describes families were the parents, or the guardians, aim to be more of a friend to their child then a person of authority. Often the result is that they have problems such as the ones you are experiencing with your daughter, when their kids grow to be adults. I know that there is no sense rehashing the past, and wondering what you could have done differently at this point, so in my opinion, what you need to do now is what you probably should have done when she was growing up. Draw some very clear, very consise boundaries and do not let her cross the line. Ever. Ask her to clean the car, once. Give her one day to get it done. If it isn’t done that day, then she doesn’t get to use the car the next time she wants to. End of story. The next time she abuses the free babysitting priviledges she is getting from you (which she should be very grateful for…there are many people, myself included, who do not have this luxury!) tell her in no uncertain terms that you will no longer babysit for her for free if it is done again. Period. Don’t be wishy-washy and mini-lecture her, saying "gee, daughter, I really wish that you would call and let me know when you will be late next time, it inconveniences me. I also wish that you would keep your room cleaner…." as she will likely not even absorb that, and the behaviour will just continue. I am not trying to come off as some sort of expert. For from it, in fact. The reason I am reading these books and seeking the advice of parents who have successfully raised their kids to be happy, healthy adults, is because I am having these same sorts of problems myself. Already I know that changing my parenting style is affecting the kids in a positive way – it is obvious by the new attitudes I see emerging in them. Good luck, and I hope this turns around for you soon. — …Charlene http://family.krueger.ws/charlene fulltime stepmom to Kaitlin – 12 Bio mom to Danielle – 8, James – 2, and Courtney – 4mos.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My dd and her new baby moved back in with me. She got a job and I > babysat for her for a little while but told her that I was not going > to be a premanent babysitter. > So this is how it has been going. I let her use my car but in the 4 > weeks she has been driving it to work, she has totally trashed it. > Fast food drink containers all over, clothes, baby toys, baby toys, > and even a couple of old bread sticks squashed in the back. > I said something to her about cleaning out the car and she still > hasn’t done it yet. > Her friend got a job at the same place she is working at so she rides > with her friend now but still uses my car on the weekend. Yesterday > she went shopping and I ended up babysitting once again for about 3 > hours. > Today I thought I was supposed to babysit and she leaves with > girlfriend about 11am and then comes back around 2:30pm to get her > stuff for work. They start to walk out the door. I said, "Am I > babysitting or not?" She said, "No, Fred(baby’s father)is." I said, > "It would have been nice if you would have told me ahead of time in > case I wanted to do something this afternoon." All she said was, > "Sorry" and walked out the door. > Her room is a filthy pit to where you can’t walk and dirty diapers > laid in there for about a week until i got tired of smelling them and > threw them away. > She lays in bed until noon. > What should I say to her? I know she is 18 and supposed to be an > adult but she isn’t acting like one. > I think I am going to tell her I am not babysitting anymore and she > can’t use the car anymore until it is cleaned up. > Loev, > PP
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.