Pure Parents

Question:

Dale — I have three children like your 8-year-old daughter. I think temperament is something above and beyond intellect, and like intellect, there is really nothing we can do about it. It is, as you say, the way they were born. It sounds as though you are handling her the right way. I hate to see parents give in to tantrums and whining. We usually tell our children they can cry or be in a bad mood as long as they want, but they have to do it by themselves, in their rooms. Does that help? Maybe a little. They usually get bored emoting by themselves without an audience. I’ve read a lot of the books — but they usually assume children respond to reasonable parenting, and as you and I and so many other real parents know, they don’t, at least not day to day. Maybe when they are grown…. let’s  hope so! -Kay

Response:

Ask a lot of questions before putting your daughter into a gifted program.  If the program is very loosely structured, it could make your problems worse.   I went through the "gifted" system many, many years ago (so consider that my viewpoint may be entirely out of date).  When I was your daughter’s age, I was in a program that basically let us loose to do what we wanted. The school provided us with books, a photography lab, a sandbox, and a loft to read on.  As long as we kept pace with the "regular" school program in every subject, the rest of the time was ours.   I decided that since I could do whatever I wanted at school, I could do whatever I wanted at home.  I never listened to the "reasonable choices" either.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved the program.  A lot of kids (the ones who already had self-discipline) thrived in it. The next year, we moved.  In our new school district, the gifted program was "in addition" to the regular curriculum.  It involved special trips and projects to work on.  We just picked up our homework for a weekly "missed" class and did that on our own.  I might have appreciated the challanges if I hadn’t been in the other program.  As it was, I didn’t enjoy myself or even learn very much.  I dropped out the following year and probably missed out on some really great opportunities. Getting back to the point, ask questions and think about what a gifted program will offer your daughter. If you’re really lucky, you may even have a choice of programs to put her in and you can find one that will be good for her. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -On Monday, June 24, 1996, Stepdal wrote… >    I have an 8 year old daughter who has been a real challenge from about > the time she could talk.  She is extremely intense and strong willed. > While I know these can be wonderful skills, at other times they can > drive me up the wall.  All the advice I have read about child rearing > seems to go up in smoke when I attempt it with my daughter.  Eg. > Giving choices.  Often when I give two or three reasonable choices to > my daughter,  she rejects them all and will basically have a temper > tantrum to get what her initial demand was.  I am very consistent at > not giving in to her tantrums yet she continues to have them.  The > problem often seems that she intellectualizes like an adult but has > the emotions  and desires of an 8 year old. >     Last year she was tested as being academically gifted and will be > attending a gifted program next year.  I am hoping that this will help > her to channel some of her intellectual intensity.  Does anyone have > any experience in this area?  I have been told that some of the > problems I am experiencing with my daughter are common with gifted > children.  Yet I don’t want this explanation to be an easy out for  me > and my daughter.   Dale  

Response:

        I have an 8 year old daughter who has been a real challenge from about the time she could talk.  She is extremely intense and strong willed. While I know these can be wonderful skills, at other times they can drive me up the wall.  All the advice I have read about child rearing seems to go up in smoke when I attempt it with my daughter.  Eg. Giving choices.  Often when I give two or three reasonable choices to my daughter,  she rejects them all and will basically have a temper tantrum to get what her initial demand was.  I am very consistent at not giving in to her tantrums yet she continues to have them.  The problem often seems that she intellectualizes like an adult but has the emotions  and desires of an 8 year old.          Last year she was tested as being academically gifted and will be attending a gifted program next year.  I am hoping that this will help her to channel some of her intellectual intensity.  Does anyone have any experience in this area?  I have been told that some of the problems I am experiencing with my daughter are common with gifted children.  Yet I don’t want this explanation to be an easy out for  me and my daughter.   Dale  

Response: