Pure Parents

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m hoping to get some ideas to help us with a problem we are having.  Our son > will be 4 in March.  He goes to a day school center while his father and I > work.  This past week he has started hitting others at school and trying to > hit us at home.   >My husband and I are guardians to my step-grandson and he just turned >4.  We had the same sort of problem with him – more at home at first, >but later at preschool too.  We’ve never spanked, but he was probably >exposed to some of that when he lived with his parents, so he may have >learned it as a method to deal with anger there.  In any case, we have >had a lot of success with the following. <snip> >The positive attention for the positive behavior really did work.   >Never back down though – if your child hits, don’t ‘just let it >slide.’  I realized early on that if I don’t consider hitting, hitting >- neither will he.  If I think it’s kind of okay if he ‘kind of’ hits, >so will he.   <snip> >I hope I’ve been more help than long-winded, and good luck! >Kimberly Bobrow >http://www.bobrow.net

Kimberly and all others Thank you to all who posted positive ways to help us with this problem.  We have been trying some of the methods for the last few days and have seen some improvement already.  We’ll take it one day at a time. I just spoke with my son’s teacher and he has done a very good job today, no time outs, no naptime problems and no hitting.  She has told him how proud Mom and Dad will be when they pick him up, and we will reinforce this when we do. Our weekend went much better, with only two small flare ups and lots of positive attention. penquin

Response:

Laura I think it is so good when we can say sorry to each other. I used to take after my dad who was ALWAYS right and NEVER said sorry. It got to the point where he hurt me a lot and when I thought about it I realized I was starting to be like him. From that point on I learnt to listen and say sorry when there was a possibility of me being wrong as it makes the world a much nicer place. It certainly makes me feel good. Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

Response:

> I’m hoping to get some ideas to help us with a problem we are having.  Our son > will be 4 in March.  He goes to a day school center while his father and I > work.  This past week he has started hitting others at school and trying to > hit us at home.  

My husband and I are guardians to my step-grandson and he just turned 4.  We had the same sort of problem with him – more at home at first, but later at preschool too.  We’ve never spanked, but he was probably exposed to some of that when he lived with his parents, so he may have learned it as a method to deal with anger there.  In any case, we have had a lot of success with the following. First, we decided to just never use hitting as a method of dealing with him, or with our anger.  I’m hardly militant about spanking or anything, it’s just this little boy *really* needed to not have that in his life.  Second, time outs, sometimes more for us than for him (he socked me in the eye so hard one day I saw stars – I had to get away from him!), if it did happen and no attention during the time outs.  Third, if he was really flailing and having a tantrum, then of course I’d have to keep him from kicking or hitting me, and using words like "I can’t let you hurt me/hit me/kick me" calmly and consistently until he calmed down usually kept me relatively bruise free.   All of the above address the immediate problem of when the child loses control and hits.  What really made the difference in stopping it though was the following.  I got a dry-erase calendar, and even though my grandson didn’t know much about the days of the week yet, we started marking things on the calendar.  I got a cheap set of relatively cool cars (use whatever toy will turn your kid on) and showed them to him.  It actually all started at a trip to Costco – he saw the car set and wanted it.  I wanted to buy it for him, but we had had day after day of hitting tantrums and I was kind of fed up.  I told him I would buy it, but he wasn’t going to get it with the current behavior.  Like all 3 year olds he was sure he could promise that <smiles>  Anyway, I’m rambling, but I’ll get back to the point.   I got two sets of cool cars.  I told him that he could have one car out of one set after a whole day of no hitting.  He didn’t make it the first day, and we talked, calmly about the next day.  He didn’t make it the next day, but the following day he did.  He didn’t get the car until the next morning, and we marked the previous day with a smile on the calendar.  It immediately got a lot better.  I parted out the car kit for the next few days.  The other one sat in a closet.  I got a couple of hand puppets (also at Costco – they had a bunch of really cheap toys that month, I swear!) and parted those out too.  After a couple of weeks he was doing it more to have the smile on the calendar and he no longer was getting special presents for "no hitting days."   We made a deal that he got the other car set when he had a whole week of no hitting days.  As an added bonus, he learned that a week was 7 days.  He blew it once with a half hour left (right before bed) – I think I was more upset than he was.  He blew it another time with only a few hours left, but then he finally did it, and it was a BIG deal around here The positive attention for the positive behavior really did work.   Never back down though – if your child hits, don’t ‘just let it slide.’  I realized early on that if I don’t consider hitting, hitting – neither will he.  If I think it’s kind of okay if he ‘kind of’ hits, so will he.   One other thought that helped too.  After your child has calmed down/come out from time out, try telling your chlid what s/he could do instead (if you know what was bothering him/her help them learn what words express those feelings), and then role-play it.  I did that once after my grandson bashed me while at the post-office.  When we got home we played post-office again after a short chat about it, and instead of bashing into me, he said "Grammakim, I’m bored and tired and want to go home" and I picked him up and talked to him and paid him some attention.  It gave him a good model for the future in similar situations.   I hope I’ve been more help than long-winded, and good luck! Kimberly Bobrow http://www.bobrow.net

Response:

It is a real shame that more people find themselves in the position of not being able to stay at home but there’s modern living for you. That was not a dig at you as I am sure you are doing the best you can with the situation you find yourselves in. Personally I beleive that 90% of parenting is consistancy and the other 10% is a mix of luck & good judgement. As you said yourself the little fella has had a lot going on the past couple of weeks and is still so young. He will get over this and it really is only a temporary thing. Just show him lots of love and spend as much time with him as you can to let him know how special he is and he will be just fine. If the lad is in the same building as you and his Dad then it will not take much to pop by and say hi from time to time until he settles again. The fact that he felt guilty about hitting his teacher says that you are obviously doing most things right so cheer up! Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

Response:

Laura asked if she had got the idea of my origional answwr to the question correct. I can see why she thought that and want to say here and now that I in no way was suggesting that either of the childs parents should give up work to SAH. It is just not possible for them to do that and I understand that fully. I mentioned it as i feel that where parents can SAH this is surely the best thing to do. I think that their child has problems at the minute that go beyond just the daycare issue and as I said will be solved with some TLC. Very sorry for any offence or upset I may have caused and thank you Laura for bringing it to my attention. Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

Response:

: Laura asked if she had got the idea of my origional answwr to the : question correct. I can see why she thought that and want to say here : and now that I in no way was suggesting that either of the childs parents : should give up work to SAH. It is just not possible for them to do that : and I understand that fully. I mentioned it as i feel that where parents : can SAH this is surely the best thing to do. I think that their child has : problems at the minute that go beyond just the daycare issue and as I said : will be solved with some TLC. : Very sorry for any offence or upset I may have caused and thank you Laura : for bringing it to my attention. No problem, Steve, and thanks for the gracious reply. There has been a lot of criticism here lately (some positively vitriolic) from people on both sides of the SAH/WOH issue, and I might have been a little oversensitive. Thanks again! Laura Uerling

Response:

I’m hoping to get some ideas to help us with a problem we are having.  Our son will be 4 in March.  He goes to a day school center while his father and I work.  This past week he has started hitting others at school and trying to hit us at home.  We have very rarely spanked him, and the last two months not at all.  Yesterday he hit his teacher.  He appoligized after a time out, but we are all trying to figure out methods to help him not to hit.  While talking to him about the incident, he told me that one of his ‘buddies’ hit him and it made him mad.  He can not verbalize why he hit his teacher. Other stuff going on lately:  Dad just started a new job which has required a small change in our routine.  We had an ice storm last week that threw our schedule off, we were home for two extra days.  He is going through another growing spurt, has gone up an entire clothing size in a matter of a few days, and eats quite a bit more than usual.  Does not get ‘junk’ food on a regular basis. Any suggestions?   And please, no flames regarding why one of us doesn’t stay home and/or the fact that he was spanked once or twice.  Staying at home is not an option. penquin

Response:

: I’m hoping to get some ideas to help us with a problem we are having.  Our : son will be 4 in March.  He goes to a day school center while his father : and I work.  This past week he has started hitting others at school and : trying to hit us at home.  We have very rarely spanked him, and the last : two months not at all.  Yesterday he hit his teacher.  He appoligized after : a time out, but we are all trying to figure out methods to help him not to : hit.  While talking to him about the incident, he told me that one of his : ‘buddies’ hit him and it made him mad.  He can not verbalize why he hit : his teacher. I have a 3 1/2 year-old girl who now very rarely hits, though it was more common a year or so ago. She is now is preschool and has been on the receiving end of hits and bites a few times. A few observations from my experiences and from talking to my daughter’s teachers. From what I’ve seen, kids who hit and bite frequently either have had it modeled as a way to deal with anger, or lack the communication skills to express their anger and frustration in more acceptable ways. (Most of hits and bites Leah has received have been from non-English speaking kids in her school. These are *not* bad kids; they just don’t have the skills they need yet.) It is perfectly understandable that your son hit back when his friend hit him–after all, that’s what his buddy did! However, I’d try to stress to him that it’s not okay for *anyone* to hit. You can also remind him that he didn’t like being hit, and other people don’t like it either. But most importantly, try to show him better, non-violent ways to deal with anger and frustration. (I swear, the words used most often at my daughter’s school are ‘Use your words!) If his buddy hits him again, encourage him to say ‘I don’t like that!’ and tell the teacher what happened. At my daughter’s school, the teachers separate the kids and have a serious ‘hitting is never acceptable’ talk with the offender. The ‘hittee’ gets lots of hugs, positive attention and praise for using words instead of hitting. A similar method can be used at home. If he’s too angry to listen or communicate immediately after the incident, I’d give him a timeout to calm down and talk to him afterward. And be sure to praise him if he does verbalize his feelings instead of hitting! : Other stuff going on lately:  Dad just started a new job which has required : a small change in our routine.  We had an ice storm last week that threw our : schedule off, we were home for two extra days.  He is going through another : growing spurt, has gone up an entire clothing size in a matter of a few days, : and eats quite a bit more than usual.  Does not get ‘junk’ food on a regular : basis. Disruptions in schedules can always cause additional problems– preschoolers sure love routines! My daughter sometimes gets the ‘missing mommy’ blues at school after such changes. Extra attention at such times usually helps even things out. I would strongly suggest that you keep encouraging him to verbalize his feeling when he has conflicts at school or at home. He may not have the words now, but he will eventually and it can only help. : And please, no flames regarding why one of us doesn’t stay home and/or the : fact that he was spanked once or twice.  Staying at home is not an option. Hey, I’m a working mom too, so you’ll get no grief from me on that front. Not about the past spankings either, though I’m a committed non-spanker myself. However, it seems like now would be an excellent time to stop using spanking altogether. It’s kind of hard to argue that it’s always wrong to hit if you model hitting behavior. There’s plenty of evidence that these kinds of problems *can* be solved without spanking, and I’m sure you can do so! Laura Uerling

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