Pure Parents

Question:

>I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you >smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".

That should be "If you smell plastic burning … " <swipe, swipe, swipe> — Do not underestimate your abilities.  That is your boss’s job. It is your job to find ways around your boss’s roadblocks.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > even hear > > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > special > > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > distracted > > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > please > > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > thing I > > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > or touch > > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > voice or > > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > heard > > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > focusing > > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > discipline him > > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > don’t > > use a technique that works. > > Deanna > > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > answer > > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > row? > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now stand > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > Judy > That’s abusive. You’re a paranoid with low self-esteem so you are > terrified you mean nothing to him when actually he is simply tired and > wants to watch TV in peace. > Wait for the damned commercial. You are NOT some dire emergency, > however much you think you should be in order to feel valued! > Steve

Hi Stevie Bug,  I love you too!  Can’t believe you saw no humor above. PS:  He doesn’t watch commercials.  He’s a man with a "controller", hahahaha.  BTW, I have my own TV & my own "controller".

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t even hear > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some special > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is distracted > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to please > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another thing I > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand or touch > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your voice or > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and heard > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a focusing > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t discipline him > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I don’t > use a technique that works. > Deanna

You’re a good mom, Deanna.  Will you be my mother? lol.

Response:

>You are joking right?  Otherwise why would you spend a lifetime with this >sludegebutt?  I get pangs of loneliness vicariously just reading this.

Judy’s old man…joking or not….DOES sound like most men I know of. And hell, we ain’t lonely at all. We TALK to them that way ’cause they LISTEN that way. Want a man’s attention? Talk sex or talk money. Simple equation. To most women anyway. Josie

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "Jude" > > I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > even hear > > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > special > > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > distracted > > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > please > > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > thing I > > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > or touch > > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > voice or > > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > heard > > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > focusing > > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > discipline him > > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > don’t > > use a technique that works. > > Deanna > > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > answer > > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > row? > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now stand > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > Judy > You are joking right?  Otherwise why would you spend a lifetime with this > sludegebutt?  I get pangs of loneliness vicariously just reading

this. Oh Paaaleese, lighten up.  It’s Christmas & I have had a dynamic jam-packed, action filled, thrilling, loving, devotedly loyal, hard-working (together) terrifically happy 34 years of marriage.  We just celebrated & part of the card read "If the next 34 are going to be anything like the past, HOLD-ON!".   Nope, I wasn’t joking (except for maxing the credit card) & it is all done with lots of humor & a twinkle in the eye.  Perhaps, you would have to know us better to know that.  Plus, we would never call each other names.  Sludegebutt has never been a word in my vocabulary (never heard it before).  Sounds disrespectful, childish & tacky to me.  I have to admit there are times "I" do not want to be disturbed like when I’m reading, working on my stained glass, other hobbies, computer work, etc.   There is no loneliness around here, the phones ring 24/7 & with family in & out all day every day & to that add work & I have to say sometimes we crave quiet & both appreciate our down time. Cheerio, Judy

Response:

I’m glad you said something Lesa. I was thinking to myself that Jude was describing most men on this planet, lol. Sue

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > > even hear > > > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > > special > > > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > > distracted > > > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > > please > > > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > > thing I > > > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > > or touch > > > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > > voice or > > > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > > > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > > heard > > > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > > focusing > > > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > > discipline him > > > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > > don’t > > > use a technique that works. > > > Deanna > > > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > > answer > > > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > > row? > > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now  stand > > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > > Judy > You are joking right?  Otherwise why would you spend a lifetime with this > sludegebutt?  I get pangs of loneliness vicariously just reading this. > Idon’t consider that being a sludgebutt.  I go through the same thing with > my hub.  He spends very little time at home just watching tv & relaxing > (travesl 3-5 days weekly for work) so doesn’t like to be interupted when he > can just relax.  I get his attention, he listens for a short amount of time, > then I’ve lost him.  I’ve learned to be quick and concise w/ what I have to > say.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > even hear > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > special > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > distracted > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > please > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > thing I > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > or touch > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > voice or > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > heard > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > focusing > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > discipline him > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > don’t > use a technique that works. > Deanna > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > answer > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > row? > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now  stand > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > Judy

That’s abusive. You’re a paranoid with low self-esteem so you are terrified you mean nothing to him when actually he is simply tired and wants to watch TV in peace. Wait for the damned commercial. You are NOT some dire emergency, however much you think you should be in order to feel valued! Steve

Response:

>Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer >when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row?

Assuming from what you have said that his hearing is normal and that he has been tested for ADHD and autistism, I will add to the techniques below only a few things.   I think both the things you say are good and Aula’s post adds some humor too.  See below. >1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make >conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He >should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer >my questions. >2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer, >don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain >that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and >since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that >I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself."

Add to this, make absolutely sure you have his attention by walking over to him and looking directly at him when you speak. Model listening when he speaks to you. Stop, turn toward him, listen carefully, rephrase what he says to be sure you understood and heard correctly. When there are distractions that are preventing him from listening, slow down.  Give only one instruction at a time.  Do not repeat the instructions.  And if he does not answer, then go about the business of other things and let him come to you and ask what you said.  If he asks politely, then repeat it, but again only this once and ask him to rephrase it for you if he seems not to understand. When he asks you something, try to answer him quickly and politely. Model the behavior you wish him to emulate.  That means that you must not expect him to keep from zoning out if you do it frequently. Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > > even hear > > > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > > special > > > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > > distracted > > > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > > please > > > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > > thing I > > > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > > or touch > > > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > > voice or > > > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > > > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > > heard > > > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > > focusing > > > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > > discipline him > > > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > > don’t > > > use a technique that works. > > > Deanna > > > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > > answer > > > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > > row? > > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now  stand > > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > > Judy > You are joking right?  Otherwise why would you spend a lifetime with this > sludegebutt?  I get pangs of loneliness vicariously just reading this. >Idon’t consider that being a sludgebutt.  I go through the same thing with >my hub.  He spends very little time at home just watching tv & relaxing >(travesl 3-5 days weekly for work) so doesn’t like to be interupted when he >can just relax.  I get his attention, he listens for a short amount of time, >then I’ve lost him.  I’ve learned to be quick and concise w/ what I have to >say.

I think Lesa has the right idea. I never did the marriage thang, but I know that, with live in relationships and even roomates, this was a peeve of mine (and how I can understand things from Mr. "Sludgebutt"s point of view): If I’m doing something physcially active, like I mean some housework, I’m left alone as far as conversation, although I might welcome some.  I dont’ watch much TV, but it seems that  the minute – the minute! – I sit down, zone out and relax, and get uinvolved in a show, and *don’t* want conversation, it’s like I must be holding a flag saying "talk to me talk to me".  If I say, "later please – I’m listening to a show..", the talker is offended that "a mere TV should take precedence over a real live human being…" I think the thing here is to keep in mind is that everyone needs some space, but some people need more, and long familiarity I should think would lead to allowing people their space in the form that they take it.  I mean, if he’s in front of the TV day and night, sooner or later you have to stand in front of it with your hands on your hips, sure.  But, folks should ask themselves if perhaps they habor the attitude that their mates should be absolutely mentally available to them at all times.  Because, when confronted with this attitude and the behaviors which go with it, the natural defense mechanism is to tune the talker out. Banty

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > even hear > > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > special > > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > distracted > > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > please > > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > thing I > > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > or touch > > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > voice or > > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > heard > > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > focusing > > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > discipline him > > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > don’t > > use a technique that works. > > Deanna > > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > answer > > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > row? > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now  stand > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > Judy > You are joking right?  Otherwise why would you spend a lifetime with this > sludegebutt?  I get pangs of loneliness vicariously just reading this.

Idon’t consider that being a sludgebutt.  I go through the same thing with my hub.  He spends very little time at home just watching tv & relaxing (travesl 3-5 days weekly for work) so doesn’t like to be interupted when he can just relax.  I get his attention, he listens for a short amount of time, then I’ve lost him.  I’ve learned to be quick and concise w/ what I have to say.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t even hear > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some special > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is distracted > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to please > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another thing I > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand or touch > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your voice or > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and heard > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a focusing > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t discipline him > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I don’t > use a technique that works. > Deanna > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a

row? ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now  stand aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". Judy

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t > even hear > what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some > special > techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is > distracted > i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to > please > look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another > thing I > did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand > or touch > his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your > voice or > lecture tends to make them tune you out more. > I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and > heard > me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a > focusing > problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t > discipline him > when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I > don’t > use a technique that works. > Deanna > > Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to > answer > > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a > row? > ACTUALLY, I have this trouble more with my darling hubby.  It started > soon after we were married & as a new bride I use to get my feelings > hurt.  The technique I quickly turned to was to stand between him & > the TV with my little hands on my hips saying "May I have your > undivided attention, please?".  Now over the years he’s learned when > he sees me coming to flag me aside with one hand while increasing the > volume control with the other (old movies & sports take precedence > over anything other then a need for medical transport).  I now  stand > aside and punch the volume down button several times while stating > "Did I tell you…..(sometimes there are things about the family he > does need to know".   He’ll hit the mute button & smile at me, but it > better be good & quick or the mute control will over-ride me } > I’ll then leave the room softly stating "I’m going shopping.  If you > smell plastic, it’s me maxing the credit card".   DH:  "I HEARD THAT!" > ME:  "I kinda thought you would.". > Judy

You are joking right?  Otherwise why would you spend a lifetime with this sludegebutt?  I get pangs of loneliness vicariously just reading this.

Response:

I have a technique I use with my son who does zone out and doesn’t even hear what I am saying sometimes. He is ADD and so I have to use some special techniques to help him cope. One of the things I do if he is distracted i.e., watching TV or playing a video game or computer, is ask him to please look at me, I need to ask a question or tell him something. Another thing I did when he was younger was get down face to face and take his hand or touch his shoulder to be sure he was listening. I agree to raise your voice or lecture tends to make them tune you out more. I also ask him to repeat what I just said to be sure he heard me and heard me correctly when I give him instructions. For my son this is a focusing problem and not a form of disobedience or disrespect. I don’t discipline him when he doesn’t listen. I just have to repeat myself more often if I don’t use a technique that works. Deanna

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? > My stepson is driving us nuts with this…The ONLY time you can be sure > he’s listening is when you are telling a story (he’s a complete story > hound.."tell me a story"). > But, "Garrett do you want something to drink?" might get no response at > all.  "Garrett, I expect an answer" sometimes works, but he might then > turn around and say "What?" in response.  Often he’ll insist he’s > listening, when it’s plainly obvious he wasn’t. > Now, I’m not the greatest role model in the world for this, but I’m > nothing like that.  I think that *FORCING* him to answer is probably > only reinforcing the very behavior we’re trying to stop (a rebellion, > doing something to piss us off sort of thing), and not teaching him > politeness as an internally motivated concept. > Often it’s just that he’s in his own little world.  However, even when > he’s not, it’s kind of a pain when his eyes glaze over after only 3 > words.  This is especially a problem, when HE ASKED something, then > didn’t pay attention to the answer.  One-sided conversations are > difficult.  However, it’s ignoring a direct question that’s the thing > that gets under my skin. > Now, lest you think we are total lecturers, (and you’re right to some > extent), we are working on it, and are getting better. > So, here’s a plan I’ve been thinking of… > 1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make > conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He > should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer > my questions. > 2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer, > don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain > that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and > since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that > I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself." > However most of these things are all things that address the problem > AFTER the fact, and don’t seem to help him focus WHEN it’s happening. > For example, if someone accuses me of not listening, the most I can do > is apologize, and hope to do better next time.  BUT it doesn’t seem to > actually help the next time.  Any ideas? > I haven’t tried them, in part because 1) they are going to be a > LONNNNGGGG term strategy, and I really need to knuckle down and not > look for quick fixes only, and 2) because having someone ignore you all > the time is infuriating (and anger management is the hardest and > probably most important part of parenting for me). > By the way, I don’t think that Garrett is deliberately ignoring us, > (And he does it to all his parents, not just me) at least most of the > time.  Mostly, it seems like he’s zoning, but SOMETIMES it’s as if he > just doesn’t want to bother answering ("Garrett, please answer me! [[he > looks up irritated at the interruption of his thoughts] "Oh, I want > milk with dinner"). > Generally he’s very polite, and reasonably well-behaved, but this one > little thing is really getting under our skins. > I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how > to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s > being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s > INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? > Cathy Weeks > Before you buy.

Response:

Cathy, hi! Your two ideas:  >> 1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make  >>  conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He  >> should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer  >> my questions.  >>  >> 2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer,  >> don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain  >> that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and  >> since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that  >> I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself." …are, imo, excellent.  Both of them allow him to view the consequence of that type of behaviour… You mentioned that he is careful to call you by name to get your attention. I’m assuming you’re doing the same thing?  It sounds as if you have a very good handle on the beginnings of dealing with this phase…and it is that, to a large degree, methinks…  <smile>

Response:

> Cathy – > How old is Garrett?  His age impacts a great deal on what I might > suggest. > -Aula > He just turned 6 at the end of summer. > Cathy

Oh that’s so cute Cathy, We’re going through the same thing with our 6 yr old granddaughter. So your comment made me chuckle.  I just take it as a phase even though there days when it ticks me off & phases are opportunities to direct & teach appropriate behavior.  Most of the time, if she doesn’t answer me (usually when she’s playing or watching TV)  I, in turn, ignore her!  I do this so as to not play her game or let it bother me all the time.  When I’m ticked because I do need an answer, I’ll say "Did you hear me?" (further silence).  "Look at me Kat" (she’ll look up) & I’ll say "Because if you can’t hear, I need to make an appointment with the doctor & have your hearing checked.".  I usually get a "No, no, I heard you."  Then she’ll explain she was just busy or answer with "I already have a drink" or whatever the question was. It’s not an every question thing, so I don’t get too absorbed & make it more of a problem.  I remember going through this with my girls (but when they were in their early teens) & it passed rather quickly. I guess being a wee bit older now little things do not bother me as much but screaming or noise levels bother me more ). Now, if he’s not hearing his teachers or friends, then of course you know there is a problem that needs medical attention. Hugs, Judy

Response:

The first thing that is triggering this response is, "he does this to all his parents." Maybe he has too many people that he needs to listen to and he is learning to tune them out.  Even if it is something as simple as what do you want to drink. I have learned, but not always implemented, that less is better and that includes what we say to our children. Aula has some great suggestions and rather humerous ones. FWIW, I have a 5-year-old also and she goes off into her little world at times and doesn’t answer the what do you want to drink question and others too. I get in her face and ask it, not mean, but sometimes I just have to get to her level and look her in the eyes to get her attention. Having her repeat things back to me helps some. If the TV is on, all three kids tune me out and I have to stand in front of the TV and tell them what I need to. Sue B.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? > My stepson is driving us nuts with this…The ONLY time you can be sure > he’s listening is when you are telling a story (he’s a complete story > hound.."tell me a story"). > But, "Garrett do you want something to drink?" might get no response at > all.  "Garrett, I expect an answer" sometimes works, but he might then > turn around and say "What?" in response.  Often he’ll insist he’s > listening, when it’s plainly obvious he wasn’t. > Now, I’m not the greatest role model in the world for this, but I’m > nothing like that.  I think that *FORCING* him to answer is probably > only reinforcing the very behavior we’re trying to stop (a rebellion, > doing something to piss us off sort of thing), and not teaching him > politeness as an internally motivated concept. > Often it’s just that he’s in his own little world.  However, even when > he’s not, it’s kind of a pain when his eyes glaze over after only 3 > words.  This is especially a problem, when HE ASKED something, then > didn’t pay attention to the answer.  One-sided conversations are > difficult.  However, it’s ignoring a direct question that’s the thing > that gets under my skin. > Now, lest you think we are total lecturers, (and you’re right to some > extent), we are working on it, and are getting better. > So, here’s a plan I’ve been thinking of… > 1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make > conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He > should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer > my questions. > 2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer, > don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain > that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and > since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that > I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself." > However most of these things are all things that address the problem > AFTER the fact, and don’t seem to help him focus WHEN it’s happening. > For example, if someone accuses me of not listening, the most I can do > is apologize, and hope to do better next time.  BUT it doesn’t seem to > actually help the next time.  Any ideas? > I haven’t tried them, in part because 1) they are going to be a > LONNNNGGGG term strategy, and I really need to knuckle down and not > look for quick fixes only, and 2) because having someone ignore you all > the time is infuriating (and anger management is the hardest and > probably most important part of parenting for me). > By the way, I don’t think that Garrett is deliberately ignoring us, > (And he does it to all his parents, not just me) at least most of the > time.  Mostly, it seems like he’s zoning, but SOMETIMES it’s as if he > just doesn’t want to bother answering ("Garrett, please answer me! [[he > looks up irritated at the interruption of his thoughts] "Oh, I want > milk with dinner"). > Generally he’s very polite, and reasonably well-behaved, but this one > little thing is really getting under our skins. > I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how > to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s > being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s > INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? > Cathy Weeks > Before you buy.

Response:

> Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? > I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how > to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s > being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s > INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? > Cathy Weeks

Specifically, when you ask him if he wants something good, a treat or whatever, always say it so quietly that he cannot hear it the first time, say it ONLY once, and then don’t ask again and make sure you tell him what he missed out on later. He will be saying "What?" very quickly! Buy a few treats for just such a purpose. Always ask him if he wants to share something with you, and if he doesn’t answer right away then you eat it all or pretend that you did. Steve

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? > I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how > to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s > being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s > INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? > Cathy Weeks > Specifically, when you ask him if he wants something good, a treat or > whatever, always say it so quietly that he cannot hear it the first > time, say it ONLY once, and then don’t ask again and make sure you tell > him what he missed out on later. He will be saying "What?" very quickly! > Buy a few treats for just such a purpose. Always ask him if he wants to > share something with you, and if he doesn’t answer right away then you > eat it all or pretend that you did. > Steve

Steve has a good point. Don’t repeat things.  Make sure that he can hear you when you ask . Don’t yell across the room or several rooms while he’s playing or watching TV for example, but go to him, get his attention, and ask him clearly and concisely just once.  After a few times of "would you like a drink with dinner?" or "would you like to have a dice of ice cream with us?’ that he tunes out and misses out on, he’ll start to be more motivated.  It beats screaming at him.

Response:

> Cathy – > How old is Garrett?  His age impacts a great deal on what I might > suggest. > -Aula > He just turned 6 at the end of summer.

Oh yes, I may have a relative of his in my house:  my five year old!  I have found that my DS tends to listen best when he is in the mood for a serious conversation and there are absolutely *no* distractions.  Failing those conditions, I get varying degrees of attentiveness, particularly if *I* am initiating things and he is doing something [anything!].  I am finding that use of humor rather that directives works more effectively in getting him to do something he has been asked to do or in correcting something.  [IE:  the time he did pick up all his flying machines from the top of the dining room table, as requested, and carefully put them in the hanger directly under the table where all our feet were going to go when we sat down to eat.  I joked him through it by suggesting that the big monster feet might make a big mess and the pilots might need to fly away now rather than wait for later orders.]  There are other times where I have to minimize competing events for his attention by placing my body somewhere away from interesting stuff and getting him to look me in the eye.  I also turn off tv/’s, computers, put toys down, call him to sit on my lap for a minute, etc.  I also try to get him involved in what I am doing so that we are talking over and around it.  Sometimes I get DS to repeat what I said back to me, sometimes even interpreting what I said.  Usually he is genuinely not that aware of me but more into something else and is not actually actively trying to ignore me, I’m just not winning the competition with something more interesting.  I have to become more interesting.  Oh, yes, and sometimes whispering is incredibly effective [and shouting almost never is].  Sometimes I have walked over to the cat and asked the cat to ask him what he wants to drink for dinner.  It’s amazing how many times the cat has spoken!  A couple times I’ve even asked the wall.  That works, too, although best used sparingly in order to maintain the effect. Now, kind of backwards here, but let me share that although it is possible that both our short people have ADD, it is also a common trait of children in this age range.  IOW, we have to learn to deal with it.  Just when we do, they move on to the next stage.  If, OTOH, you are concerned that it may be more than regular developmental stage stuff you could consult with your pediatrician to check for hearing issues, ADD[/H], a form of autism or other possible causes. -Aula

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Take him to the doctor and see if he’s autistic in some form.  Has he had a > head injury in the past or severe trauma in the past or some kind of blood > sugar problem that could hinder his ability to concentrate?  I do and I > drive people nuts because I remember what e=mc2 means but can’t remember the > word for table and have to play charades!  People think I’m not paying > attention but I am trying so very hard and am easily distracted.  For me > it’s from head injury, too much stress, hypoglycemia and I’m > manic-depressive.  I doubt his behavior is rebellion or defiance as he > appears to be trying to pay attention but really can’t understand the > question or formulate the response.  Happens to me all the time.  Get him to > a doctor and check out the possibilities. > Things that help me when I zone are to be gently but firmly looked directly > into my eyes and spoken to.  That brings me back from wherever it is I go. > I also have problems with time so I keep a lot of calendars in several rooms > around and clocks and watches everywhere.  The worst thing is when people > get mad and shame me or think I don’t care when I do. > Good luck.

Thanks.  We’ve had him evaluated for ADHD, and the result was that if he is at all, then it’s very, very mild (in other words, he isn’t really).  The evaluating team did suggest that he had "mild oppositional disorder" (psychospeak for a child that rebels against doing what he’s told, but that seems pretty normal to me) He’s not autistic either.  Though G is not related to me (he’s my stepson), I know that I can zone so completely as to not hear people, especially if I’m reading or am daydreaming.  It’s something that I fight against, too, and I’m not autistic in the least. His mom has trouble processing too many things at once, and I’ve noticed her ignoring him, (not deliberately) if she’s concentrating on other people talking. She doesn’t say "hold on" or even "don’t interrupt." His dad and stepdad pretty much NEVER ignore him. It’s as if they are incapable of NOT hearing and responding.  I know that my zoning tendency annoys my husband, in part because he CANT tune people out. Garrett learned at a very young age to say my name first if I was in the middle of something.  That always gets my attention, enough to look up and start listening (my husband noticed that by age 2.5 Garrett had figured it out, and seamlessly started using that tool with me). So, I think his behavior is partly learned from me and perhaps his mom. And some people just zone.  However, I want to know how get him to answer without ALWAYS having to use extraordinary measures.  AND I’d love to learn to control my own zoning.  Even in work situations, I have to force myself to pay attention, even to my boss, who is at least interesting.  I manage it by consciously processing and mentally filing away what she says.  Not easy.  (I’m also not as bad about this as this may make it sound!)  But this is a pretty high-level meta-cognition, and not something that’s reasonable to expect of a 6-year old, especially one who has little stake in paying attention, as I do with my boss! I also try to avoid shaming or getting mad, but not getting mad is really not easy for me. Cathy Weeks Before you buy.

Response:

> Cathy – > How old is Garrett?  His age impacts a great deal on what I might suggest. > -Aula

He just turned at the end of summer. Cathy Before you buy.

Response:

> Cathy – > How old is Garrett?  His age impacts a great deal on what I might suggest. > -Aula

He just turned 6 at the end of summer. Cathy Before you buy.

Response:

Take him to the doctor and see if he’s autistic in some form.  Has he had a head injury in the past or severe trauma in the past or some kind of blood sugar problem that could hinder his ability to concentrate?  I do and I drive people nuts because I remember what e=mc2 means but can’t remember the word for table and have to play charades!  People think I’m not paying attention but I am trying so very hard and am easily distracted.  For me it’s from head injury, too much stress, hypoglycemia and I’m manic-depressive.  I doubt his behavior is rebellion or defiance as he appears to be trying to pay attention but really can’t understand the question or formulate the response.  Happens to me all the time.  Get him to a doctor and check out the possibilities. Things that help me when I zone are to be gently but firmly looked directly into my eyes and spoken to.  That brings me back from wherever it is I go. I also have problems with time so I keep a lot of calendars in several rooms around and clocks and watches everywhere.  The worst thing is when people get mad and shame me or think I don’t care when I do. Good luck.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? > My stepson is driving us nuts with this…The ONLY time you can be sure > he’s listening is when you are telling a story (he’s a complete story > hound.."tell me a story"). > But, "Garrett do you want something to drink?" might get no response at > all.  "Garrett, I expect an answer" sometimes works, but he might then > turn around and say "What?" in response.  Often he’ll insist he’s > listening, when it’s plainly obvious he wasn’t. > Now, I’m not the greatest role model in the world for this, but I’m > nothing like that.  I think that *FORCING* him to answer is probably > only reinforcing the very behavior we’re trying to stop (a rebellion, > doing something to piss us off sort of thing), and not teaching him > politeness as an internally motivated concept. > Often it’s just that he’s in his own little world.  However, even when > he’s not, it’s kind of a pain when his eyes glaze over after only 3 > words.  This is especially a problem, when HE ASKED something, then > didn’t pay attention to the answer.  One-sided conversations are > difficult.  However, it’s ignoring a direct question that’s the thing > that gets under my skin. > Now, lest you think we are total lecturers, (and you’re right to some > extent), we are working on it, and are getting better. > So, here’s a plan I’ve been thinking of… > 1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make > conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He > should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer > my questions. > 2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer, > don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain > that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and > since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that > I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself." > However most of these things are all things that address the problem > AFTER the fact, and don’t seem to help him focus WHEN it’s happening. > For example, if someone accuses me of not listening, the most I can do > is apologize, and hope to do better next time.  BUT it doesn’t seem to > actually help the next time.  Any ideas? > I haven’t tried them, in part because 1) they are going to be a > LONNNNGGGG term strategy, and I really need to knuckle down and not > look for quick fixes only, and 2) because having someone ignore you all > the time is infuriating (and anger management is the hardest and > probably most important part of parenting for me). > By the way, I don’t think that Garrett is deliberately ignoring us, > (And he does it to all his parents, not just me) at least most of the > time.  Mostly, it seems like he’s zoning, but SOMETIMES it’s as if he > just doesn’t want to bother answering ("Garrett, please answer me! [[he > looks up irritated at the interruption of his thoughts] "Oh, I want > milk with dinner"). > Generally he’s very polite, and reasonably well-behaved, but this one > little thing is really getting under our skins. > I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how > to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s > being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s > INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? > Cathy Weeks > Before you buy.

Response:

Cathy – How old is Garrett?  His age impacts a great deal on what I might suggest. -Aula

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer > when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? > My stepson is driving us nuts with this…The ONLY time you can be sure > he’s listening is when you are telling a story (he’s a complete story > hound.."tell me a story"). > But, "Garrett do you want something to drink?" might get no response at > all.  "Garrett, I expect an answer" sometimes works, but he might then > turn around and say "What?" in response.  Often he’ll insist he’s > listening, when it’s plainly obvious he wasn’t. > Now, I’m not the greatest role model in the world for this, but I’m > nothing like that.  I think that *FORCING* him to answer is probably > only reinforcing the very behavior we’re trying to stop (a rebellion, > doing something to piss us off sort of thing), and not teaching him > politeness as an internally motivated concept. > Often it’s just that he’s in his own little world.  However, even when > he’s not, it’s kind of a pain when his eyes glaze over after only 3 > words.  This is especially a problem, when HE ASKED something, then > didn’t pay attention to the answer.  One-sided conversations are > difficult.  However, it’s ignoring a direct question that’s the thing > that gets under my skin. > Now, lest you think we are total lecturers, (and you’re right to some > extent), we are working on it, and are getting better. > So, here’s a plan I’ve been thinking of… > 1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make > conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He > should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer > my questions. > 2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer, > don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain > that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and > since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that > I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself." > However most of these things are all things that address the problem > AFTER the fact, and don’t seem to help him focus WHEN it’s happening. > For example, if someone accuses me of not listening, the most I can do > is apologize, and hope to do better next time.  BUT it doesn’t seem to > actually help the next time.  Any ideas? > I haven’t tried them, in part because 1) they are going to be a > LONNNNGGGG term strategy, and I really need to knuckle down and not > look for quick fixes only, and 2) because having someone ignore you all > the time is infuriating (and anger management is the hardest and > probably most important part of parenting for me). > By the way, I don’t think that Garrett is deliberately ignoring us, > (And he does it to all his parents, not just me) at least most of the > time.  Mostly, it seems like he’s zoning, but SOMETIMES it’s as if he > just doesn’t want to bother answering ("Garrett, please answer me! [[he > looks up irritated at the interruption of his thoughts] "Oh, I want > milk with dinner"). > Generally he’s very polite, and reasonably well-behaved, but this one > little thing is really getting under our skins. > I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how > to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s > being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s > INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? > Cathy Weeks > Before you buy.

Response:

Can anyone give me any useful strategies for getting a child to answer when asked a direct question, or listen for more than 3 words in a row? My stepson is driving us nuts with this…The ONLY time you can be sure he’s listening is when you are telling a story (he’s a complete story hound.."tell me a story"). But, "Garrett do you want something to drink?" might get no response at all.  "Garrett, I expect an answer" sometimes works, but he might then turn around and say "What?" in response.  Often he’ll insist he’s listening, when it’s plainly obvious he wasn’t. Now, I’m not the greatest role model in the world for this, but I’m nothing like that.  I think that *FORCING* him to answer is probably only reinforcing the very behavior we’re trying to stop (a rebellion, doing something to piss us off sort of thing), and not teaching him politeness as an internally motivated concept. Often it’s just that he’s in his own little world.  However, even when he’s not, it’s kind of a pain when his eyes glaze over after only 3 words.  This is especially a problem, when HE ASKED something, then didn’t pay attention to the answer.  One-sided conversations are difficult.  However, it’s ignoring a direct question that’s the thing that gets under my skin. Now, lest you think we are total lecturers, (and you’re right to some extent), we are working on it, and are getting better. So, here’s a plan I’ve been thinking of… 1) If I ask a direct question, and get no answer, stop trying to make conversation.  Leave the room (not angrily), or do my own thing.  He should get bored and solicit attention. Then ask him nicely to answer my questions. 2) If at dinner, I ask what he wants to drink, and he doesn’t answer, don’t get him anything, and then when he asks for whatever, explain that "while I was fetching drinks I asked you what you wanted, and since you didn’t answer, I figured you didn’t want anything.  Now that I’m sitting down, you’ll have to take care of it yourself." However most of these things are all things that address the problem AFTER the fact, and don’t seem to help him focus WHEN it’s happening. For example, if someone accuses me of not listening, the most I can do is apologize, and hope to do better next time.  BUT it doesn’t seem to actually help the next time.  Any ideas? I haven’t tried them, in part because 1) they are going to be a LONNNNGGGG term strategy, and I really need to knuckle down and not look for quick fixes only, and 2) because having someone ignore you all the time is infuriating (and anger management is the hardest and probably most important part of parenting for me). By the way, I don’t think that Garrett is deliberately ignoring us, (And he does it to all his parents, not just me) at least most of the time.  Mostly, it seems like he’s zoning, but SOMETIMES it’s as if he just doesn’t want to bother answering ("Garrett, please answer me! [[he looks up irritated at the interruption of his thoughts] "Oh, I want milk with dinner"). Generally he’s very polite, and reasonably well-behaved, but this one little thing is really getting under our skins. I’m generally looking for SPECIFIC, polite, non-coercive methods on how to work on this.  I’d like him to WANT to answer, not because he’s being forced, or will get him in trouble (or hassled), but because he’s INTERNALLY motivated to answer.  Ideas please? Cathy Weeks Before you buy.

Response: