Question:
Whenever I feel like things are getting out of hand, and I am actually mumbling to myself things like " I must have been NUTS to have kids" I recall my mother’s favorite expression "This, too, shall pass" I also realize that I’ll blink my eyes one day, and they’ll be grown and gone. Also, when some days, or moments, seem they are absolutely unbearable, the next day or hour comes along, and I ask myself, what was the big deal? Your feelings are completely normal–you are a good mom, you are with your kids, and you are seeking help and advice on something that is difficult to deal with (parenting) on even a good day. If all else fails, put yourself in time-out—-better to leave the kids in their beds/playpens for 10 minutes while you calm down than to do or say something you’ll regret later. Good luck—it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it!!! Pam
Response:
I’m sorry I was misunderstood about her husband. I’m not blaming him in any way for working the hours. If he has to, he has to. My husband at his new job works only till 7, now, and I feel fortunate he even gets two hours with the kids at night. If he decided to just come home earlier, he’d never get his work done, not to mention all the meetings he’d miss. We go to the park every weekend. He loves the time running around with the kids. My brother works two jobs, one five and the other six days a week, overlapping so he has no day off. The only way for him to cut his hours is to quit one job, and even with his wife working and a free babysitter, they couldn’t afford for him to do that since they’re struggling now. He spends a few hours playing with their two year old before he goes to work each night. Our business partner spends the early half of the day at the insurance office, two hours with the kids between daycare and when his wife gets home from work, then he goes to his second job, managing a restaurant. He needs both jobs to get by, and he’s the driving force behind both places. But his absolute rule is to never go in on a Saturday, since that’s their family day. Guess I forgot the smiley at the ‘men in the kitchen’ line. But a stay at home parent’s job never ends, and if the working parent offers no help with anything except the paycheck, they are effectively saying that it’s fine with them that the person they love and married forever is running themself into the ground and will have a breakdown soon. This is a potential child abuse or divorce situation in the making. Vegas, we all can tell you’re frustrated. You need to talk to your husband and work out some time for yourself and for you and him as a couple. Everybody needs some personal time without rugrats climbing all over them, and your marriage will suffer if you don’t spend time together. p.s.- The kids will calm down sooner or later!!!
Response:
Correction! I also posted without jumping all over the husband portion… I think I’m similar to you in that I can understand why he works the long hours, although I don’t agree that he "has no choice", which is the way he sees it. Does your husband see it that way also?
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->You know, you are the only person who did not jump all over the husband >portion o f that post. You caught the essence. >–thanks
Response:
You know, you are the only person who did not jump all over the husband portion o f that post. You caught the essence. –thanks – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Whenever I feel like things are getting out of hand, and I am actually > mumbling to myself things like " I must have been NUTS to have kids" > I recall my mother’s favorite expression "This, too, shall pass" > I also realize that I’ll blink my eyes one day, and they’ll be grown and > gone. Also, when some days, or moments, seem they are absolutely > unbearable, the next day or hour comes along, and I ask myself, what was > the big deal? Your feelings are completely normal–you are a good mom, > you are with your kids, and you are seeking help and advice on something > that is difficult to deal with (parenting) on even a good day. > If all else fails, put yourself in time-out—-better to leave the kids > in their beds/playpens for 10 minutes while you calm down than to do or > say something you’ll regret later. > Good luck—it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it!!! > Pam
Response:
I’ll just add my words to those of others about the husband here. The kids aren’t going to remember Daddy for his career successes. He ought to be reminded of that. His NUMBER ONE JOB ought to be husband. His NUMBER TWO JOB ought to be Daddy. After those two jobs are done properly, then he can worry about the career. In fact, if he gets the first two right, his career life will probably go better. If his boss stands in the way of setting these priorities, then he needs to consider whether the job is worth it. It isn’t. I know men who quit high-stress business jobs because they saw the toll it was having on their family-lives. They are much happier now. Bill
Response:
No, you’re not. I called my best friend, hysterical, when my eldest was about eight months and refused to stop crying for about three hours. I held him, changed him, rocked him, fed him, etc… She told me to put him in a babyproof, comfortable place, attend his physical needs (intake and outflow, clothing/temperature), shut the door, and go read a book. Half and hour later, I peeked in the room and he was playing and cooing at his crib toys, no problems. Go figure! One of my favorite things to do is cooking, not the cleanup, but just cooking. One of my lifesavers was to send out dh with the kids for the day (used formula occasionally, and sent them to the mall or grandma’s or the park). He loved the time with them, it was a treat since he was working 12 hrs/5 days. I’d stay home (alone!!!) and cook meals for a week or two, all in one day, and prepare it all for freezer-microwave or -oven during the week. Spaghetti sauce, stew, roasts, casseroles, chicken pot pies, anything. Much cheaper and more nutritious than ordering out, and I could work out some frustration. But I’d miss the kids, ironically. So he’d come home and I’d play with them, with a much improved attitude, while he cleaned the kitchen! (I don’t care what men do during the day, they need to do at least a bit of housework once in a while to keep them in their place!) I also like shopping, but not spending much money. Have dh keep the kids for a few hours on a Saturday morning, that’s prime garage sailing time! Or take some time at the local thrift store (Goodwill, Salvation Army). They have some decent stuff if you take the time to look. Buy something, anything new for yourself. If you feel guilty being away from them, get something for the kids. Go for a drive. Pack peanut butter sandwiches for you and 3 yo, and take a drive to the farthest place you can get before the kids get cranky. Sing songs, tell stories, point out things to see, HAVE FUN! But get out of the house and have a change of scenery. Let the kids play at a park or school playground for an hour or so, (baby on a blanket if you wish), and then turn around and come home. If you’re stuck with one car, get up early, drive dh to work, and be home by an arranged time so you can pick him up when he calls. Also, with your husband working so much, and you so immersed in house and kids, you two need to spend some time (at the very least, once a week) as a couple. If you can’t get a sitter, try a "grownup" dinner after the kids are in bed, even if it’s 9:30 at night! Or a weekend morning lie-in-bed, with the 3 yo in front of a video (no, occasional videos DON’T mean you’re a bad parent) and the baby in the playpen. Let the older one have a dry snack and a sipper cup in front of the tv. Don’t let the kids interfere with your plans. They need time to learn to amuse themselves, and that does not include you. And you need time with dh so you both remember what the important thing is-your children, yes, and you both as a couple and individually. You’ll hear it a zillion times, and it’s true: You can’t be a good Mom if you don’t take care of yourself first. What made you feel good before the kids? Before marriage? Best of luck! Another Mom, getting better now!
Response:
You are not alone. No matter how strenuous your husband’s workday, I doubt it is more strenuous than taking care of two small children all day. Invite him to spend a day with the kids while you’re out, and he’ll see that! (I know he can’t nurse, but making up all those bottles would take time and effort too.) He needs to understand that preparing a home cooked dinner takes second place (or 3rd, or 5th…) in your day right now. Could he stop on the way home and pick up a pizza or Chinese food at least a couple times a week? Otherwise, how about something quick like tuna sandwiches, eggs & sliced fruit, or even quicker, peanutbutter! Surely he could fix those himself. In my house there are many quick suppers like that. Your husband could also consider taking a rest from his climb up that corporate ladder for awhile. Constant career advancement is not the most important thing in life. If he feels that slowing down is not possible, he can at least help out at home by not asking you to do unnecessary (in my mind) jobs like serving his dinner, which he can do for himself no matter how tired he is. Remind him that you are tired too, and that he DOES get to leave the office at least some days before dinnertime, while your workday never ends until you go to sleep. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is > really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just > make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also > going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. He won’t even > go to his father without screaming. ( he even sheds some tears). Why is it > that even though I know this is only temporary, it is killing me ?? > And for some reason everyone I talk to has an excellent husband who comes > home, cooks dinner, cleans up, bathes the children, plays with them, and > puts them to bed. All while they get to do whatever they want? My husband > is killing himself climbing the corporate ladder (which I know is part of > it) and when he gets home, if he gets home, is dog tired wanting dinner. I > am too realistic to be mad at him or blame him, but there are times I wish > I could use my magic wand on him also. > Am I alone ????
Response:
Not flaming ! BUT Certainly DO NOT give up the nursing. I won’t go into ALL the benefits to baby and such but will bring up only one major point which would relate to your situation now. Nursing a baby releases a hormone (I think it’s called prolactin) into the mother which creates a relaxed calming affect. Nursing in itself is also calming for the baby as the skin to skin contact is comforting and soothing as well that baby often even doses off while nursing (then maybe you can get him down for awhile too). You could also use this time to read softly to both of them by having the older child sit close by, or have her color or watch a video. So basically nursing should certainly be considered a plus and a welcome thing to help relax and calm you and the little one. I’m sure as a nusing mom you can stop and think how that special bond makes you feel GOOD. Hang in there, -Angie mama to Nicholas – 1 year old and still nursing and loving it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > ……. > Also, and this is only what I would do, not saying it’s right for you, but > I’d give up the nursing. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for saying this, but it > could be contributing to the frustration. If it is, it’s more important, in > my opinion, that your baby has a happier mom than breastmilk. ….. > I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is >really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just >make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also >going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. ….
Response:
I am fortunate in that I am one of those women who has a husband who is completely involved in raising our child and in doing chores around the house. We both work full time, so we both feel it should be an equitable arrangement. Despite this, I too feel overwhelmed by it all (as does my husband). We, therefore, allow each other to have some time by ourselves and also time alone together. If your husband can’t help you out, then find a babysitter so that you can just get away for awhile. As an aside, I have a hard time hearing about dads who are too busy working to spend time with their children. Why did your husband want to have kids in the first place? Maddy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is > really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just > make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also > going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. He won’t even > go to his father without screaming. ( he even sheds some tears). Why is it > that even though I know this is only temporary, it is killing me ?? > And for some reason everyone I talk to has an excellent husband who comes > home, cooks dinner, cleans up, bathes the children, plays with them, and > puts them to bed. All while they get to do whatever they want? My husband > is killing himself climbing the corporate ladder (which I know is part of > it) and when he gets home, if he gets home, is dog tired wanting dinner. I > am too realistic to be mad at him or blame him, but there are times I wish > I could use my magic wand on him also. > Am I alone ????
Response:
Dear Vegas, I don’t mean to rock the boat, but last time I was in a grave-yard I failed to see a head-stone that said "Head of Sales, Western Region" or "Vice President for Product Development". They all seam to read "Son, Husband, Father". I think that speaks to what oneis remembered for, and what your priorities should be. If you child is so unfamiliar with your husband he/she does not recongize him as a source of comfort, you have a problem. You can deal with that problem head on, or you can arrange things to make the problem less of a problem. Pick your poison. Lorne D. Gilsig (Son, Husband, Father, 1962-)
Response:
I think that you need more YOU time. Time to relax, read, play a game, visit with friends. In other words, more time to just be you. Get a mother’s helper. This can be a teen or even a girl as young as 12 who is reasonably responsible. Have her come in every week day, and help you to watch the kids and get things squared away. You could remain in the house, but be free to have some time to yourself.
: I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is : really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just : make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also : going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. He won’t even : go to his father without screaming. ( he even sheds some tears). Why is it : that even though I know this is only temporary, it is killing me ?? : And for some reason everyone I talk to has an excellent husband who comes : home, cooks dinner, cleans up, bathes the children, plays with them, and : puts them to bed. All while they get to do whatever they want? My husband : is killing himself climbing the corporate ladder (which I know is part of : it) and when he gets home, if he gets home, is dog tired wanting dinner. I : am too realistic to be mad at him or blame him, but there are times I wish : I could use my magic wand on him also. : Am I alone ????
Response:
You could have just described my life 5 months ago!! My 3.5 yo is a doll….most of of the time! My son, was constantly nursing…refused any solids. Hubby was similar to yours, except instead of climbing the corporate ladder he is self-employed. Take heart, this won’t last forever. Your hubby could be around 24 hours a day and your son would probably still prefer you!!! One of my best friends experienced that, and her dh was around all the time as he worked at home. Try talking to your hubby, maybe he do the cooking one night a week, or one night could be take out night. I understand how you feel about the fact that he is tired and all that when he gets home…I’m the same way w/ my dh. Keep in mind that no matter how tired HE is, YOU still deserve a break every once in awhile. I go out once a month with friends. It was difficult at first, because I could only be gone for a max of two hours…I started doing it when my son was about 8 months old. BIG hugs of support, Mary-Anne – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is > really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just > make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also > going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. He won’t even > go to his father without screaming. ( he even sheds some tears). Why is it > that even though I know this is only temporary, it is killing me ?? > And for some reason everyone I talk to has an excellent husband who comes > home, cooks dinner, cleans up, bathes the children, plays with them, and > puts them to bed. All while they get to do whatever they want? My husband > is killing himself climbing the corporate ladder (which I know is part of > it) and when he gets home, if he gets home, is dog tired wanting dinner. I > am too realistic to be mad at him or blame him, but there are times I wish > I could use my magic wand on him also. > Am I alone ????
Response:
I think I can relate to how you feel. I have a similar age gap with my kids, and also a husband who works very long hours. I try not to let it get me down by remembering that as the children (especially the youngest) get older, things get easier. My youngest is now 17 months, so still needs the "constant supervision". I look forward to the day when I can actually leave the room for a bit without worrying about an accident. One thing I make sure that I do on my days off with the kids is visit other friends with kids, or have them over to visit us. If I stay at home alone with them all day, I don’t enjoy it. Also, and this is only what I would do, not saying it’s right for you, but I’d give up the nursing. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for saying this, but it could be contributing to the frustration. If it is, it’s more important, in my opinion, that your baby has a happier mom than breastmilk.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is >really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just >make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also >going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. He won’t even >go to his father without screaming. ( he even sheds some tears). Why is it >that even though I know this is only temporary, it is killing me ?? > And for some reason everyone I talk to has an excellent husband who comes >home, cooks dinner, cleans up, bathes the children, plays with them, and >puts them to bed. All while they get to do whatever they want? My husband >is killing himself climbing the corporate ladder (which I know is part of >it) and when he gets home, if he gets home, is dog tired wanting dinner. I >am too realistic to be mad at him or blame him, but there are times I wish >I could use my magic wand on him also. > Am I alone ????
Response:
I am going crazy. I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My oldest is really great, but there are times I wish I had a magic wand and could just make her go away. My son is 8 mos and still nurses constantly. He is also going through separation anxiety, which is driving me crazy. He won’t even go to his father without screaming. ( he even sheds some tears). Why is it that even though I know this is only temporary, it is killing me ?? And for some reason everyone I talk to has an excellent husband who comes home, cooks dinner, cleans up, bathes the children, plays with them, and puts them to bed. All while they get to do whatever they want? My husband is killing himself climbing the corporate ladder (which I know is part of it) and when he gets home, if he gets home, is dog tired wanting dinner. I am too realistic to be mad at him or blame him, but there are times I wish I could use my magic wand on him also. Am I alone ????
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