Question:
Hi group! My daughter (now 11 weeks) cries in her car seat sometimes – usually when she is fighting sleep – and the cries can be bloodcurdling and very upsetting. I get in the back seat with her and do all I can to comfort her in the seat because I am not willing to take her out of the seat when the car is moving. If she doesn’t calm down in a reasonable period (usually less than ten minutes) we will stop the car and I will hold her until she calms. Even so, she will usually cry again within five minutes of the car moving until she falls asleep. Any suggestions? I worry a lot about the issue of her perceiving that we are not responding to her cries and feeling abandoned (even though I am right there doing what I can). Thanks for any suggestions/advice, J.
Response:
You have identified the solution to the problem is holding her. She wants attention and love. You will need to make a decision as to which is more important; taking her out with you when she does not like it, or sitting in the back seat with her and holding her. If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward is a happy child. Love, peace and freedom for all people, Mike Have you had a new idea today? How about love, peace and freedom for ALL people? http://www.universalway.org – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi group! >My daughter (now 11 weeks) cries in her car seat sometimes – usually when >she is fighting sleep – and the cries can be bloodcurdling and very >upsetting. I get in the back seat with her and do all I can to comfort her >in the seat because I am not willing to take her out of the seat when the >car is moving. If she doesn’t calm down in a reasonable period (usually >less than ten minutes) we will stop the car and I will hold her until she >calms. Even so, she will usually cry again within five minutes of the car >moving until she falls asleep. Any suggestions? I worry a lot about the >issue of her perceiving that we are not responding to her cries and feeling >abandoned (even though I am right there doing what I can). >Thanks for any suggestions/advice, >J.
Response:
> You have identified the solution to the problem is holding her. She wants > attention and love. You will need to make a decision as to which is more > important; taking her out with you when she does not like it, or sitting in > the back seat with her and holding her.
Nice general solution, but wouldn’t work in the real world. > If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The > odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward > is a happy child.
Not only is this illegal, but it is also dangerous. Always have your baby strapped in their carseat in a moving vehicle. The original poster is correct in waiting for the car to stop before she takes the baby out. How would you ever forgive yourself if you got in an accident and that baby got hurt? What helps my baby (who isn’t always happy about being in his carseat either) is holding his hand, distracting him with toys, singing to him, or giving him a pacifier or bottle. And don’t worry, J. – your baby is not perceiving any less love from you because you want her to stay in her carseat. It’s because you love her that you keep her in that carseat, and do what’s best for her safety. Good luck! Heather
Response:
Do NOT NOT NOT take that baby out of her car seat while the car is in motion!!! There is a reason we have laws about this and that is to avoid a DEAD baby!!!I’m not yelling at you but at the irresponsibility of some people, who are willing to risk their childrens lives! My son Sean also did this at an early age and I sat in the back, and held his hand and talked to him. Another suggestion, would be to nurse her in the car seat (if you are bfing.) Dr. Sear’s "The Baby Book", has an illustration of how this is done. The only other thing we did with Sean was to make sure there were plenty of toys around to hand him. This stage will pass too, so don’t worry to much. I also found that Sean reacted better after he was big enough to sit foward facing!! Good luck and try not to worry too much, I’m sure she won’t be scarred for life, as long as you don’t take her out of that seat!!! Smiles! Maria ~*~* }<(((o> ~*~
Response:
I noticed M.P. recommended that you should hold your child to comfort them in the car. BAD IDEA!! M.P. is correct in saying that the chances of getting in a accident are slim, but not worth the consequences. If you were in a accident holding your child you probably could not hold on to her. Childrens wieght double every 15 miles per hour your car travels. This means that if she was 20 lbs. at 15 mph she would weigh 40, at 30mph she would wiegh 80,etc. If you were not buckled in your weight would do the same as you were pressed against her. Does she hve trouble getting to sleep outside of the car seat? If so could be the real issue. Part of a child learning to put themself to sleep is for them to learn how to comfort themself. This may mean letting them scream it out until they wear themself out for the first couple of times. I know it is tough to do this as a parent, but your other option is putting their life in danger (even if it does seem remote). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The > odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward > is a happy child. >Hi group! >My daughter (now 11 weeks) cries in her car seat sometimes – usually when >she is fighting sleep – and the cries can be bloodcurdling and very >upsetting. I get in the back seat with her and do all I can to comfort her >in the seat because I am not willing to take her out of the seat when the >car is moving. If she doesn’t calm down in a reasonable period (usually >less than ten minutes) we will stop the car and I will hold her until she >calms. Even so, she will usually cry again within five minutes of the car >moving until she falls asleep. Any suggestions? I worry a lot about the >issue of her perceiving that we are not responding to her cries and feeling >abandoned (even though I am right there doing what I can). >Thanks for any suggestions/advice, >J.
Response:
I agree that taking a baby out of a carseat is a bad idea. I have however been tempted to do this (on a 10 hour trip in which she slept 3 hours and screamed!!! the rest) She has never liked sitting on her own. Our last trip we solved this problem by traveling at night 8pm to 6am and she slept. Any ideas on how to get her to like her carseat better would be appreciated. She’s 6 months old now and will ride for 30-40 minutes but then screams. Julie
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You have identified the solution to the problem is holding her. She wants > attention and love. You will need to make a decision as to which is more > important; taking her out with you when she does not like it, or sitting in > the back seat with her and holding her. > Nice general solution, but wouldn’t work in the real world. > If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The > odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward > is a happy child. > Not only is this illegal, but it is also dangerous. Always have your > baby strapped in their carseat in a moving vehicle. The original poster > is correct in waiting for the car to stop before she takes the baby > out. How would you ever forgive yourself if you got in an accident and > that baby got hurt? > What helps my baby (who isn’t always happy about being in his carseat > either) is holding his hand, distracting him with toys, singing to him, > or giving him a pacifier or bottle. And don’t worry, J. – your baby is > not perceiving any less love from you because you want her to stay in > her carseat. It’s because you love her that you keep her in that > carseat, and do what’s best for her safety. > Good luck! > Heather
And the resistance will pass — most kids get downright nervous if they aren’t belted in when that has been the norm. The biggest danger in this situation is that a distracted Mom will turn to comfort or fuss with the baby WHILE SHE IS DRIVING and kill them all. It is important to learn to never deal with the back seat while in the driver’s seat. And kudos to you for recognizing that holding a child in a moving car is child abuse — NOT meeting their need for being close. k
Response:
>she is fighting sleep – and the cries can be bloodcurdling and very >upsetting. I get in the back seat with her and do all I can to comfort her
Good Job! It’s definitely one of those moments that we all could wish we didn’t have to go through. (But, unfortunately we do…at EVERY moving moment of the car -even in Parking lots) We used to keep sponge earplugs in the car to lessen the effect of the scream (for the times that no matter what we tried….they (the screams) would continue. This allowed us to be calmer and give the child a calmer reaction. "I had to set limits to knowledge in order to make place for faith" Immanual Kent
Response:
>If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The >odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward >is a happy child.
Please, please do not take this advice! The "risk" in this situation is having your baby get killed. No, I do not think there is anything that could be "worth the risk". If you need statistics or any kind of information about what can happen to a baby being held in a car, please contact your local police department. I am sure that they could do a much better job than I could of convincing you. The only thing I can say on the subject is that I was involved in a very serious accident recently. If my child had not been buckled into her car seat she would be dead right now. I am begging you, don’t let people convince you that it is okay to hold your child in a moving car! It is better for her to be unhappy for a short time than to be seriously injured or killed in an accident. You are there with her comforting her…she is not going to feel abandoned. You are doing the right thing already…don’t change a thing. Tracie
Response:
I second this advice!! If you have to take the baby out, stop the car . I have 3 kids, they have all, at one time or another, screamed in their car seats. It does get better and you owe it to your baby to keep him/her safe. Nancy D. tim and nancy
Response:
I really appreciate all the support that has been posted for the way I’m handling the crying in the car seat. Like I wrote in my original post, I am not willing, nor have I even for a moment considered, taking her out of the seat while the car is moving. I was looking for advice for distractions (the suggestions of toys, etc.) and words of wisdom and/or support (this too shall pass, etc.) on the effects of letting her cry for so long when my comforting attempts failed. Both of these I have received in abundance 
Thanks to all who posted! J.
Response:
>>If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The >odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward >is a happy child.
Oh my gosh! Please tell me this was a type-o. I cringe everytime I see someone holding their baby in a moving car. PLEASE ignore this advice!!! There is proof that shows, if you’re in an accident and holding a child, even a small infant, it is impossible to hold on to the child upon impact, even at a low rate of speed. The odds may be low, but could you ever forgive yourself if something happened to your baby? You can’t control the odds, and I wouldn’t take the chance. Besides it’s the law. Dawn
Response:
<<<snipped from someone else’s post because I lost the original>>> >>If it was me, I would take a chance on holding her in the back seat. The >>odds of having an accident in that situation are worth the risk; the reward >>is a happy child.
I’m sure that both Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono, who were engaging in high-risk activities, assumed the odds were against them having accidents, as well. Certainly, holding a child in your lap in a oving car is a high-risk action. There are lots more car crashes every year than skiing accidents, but look at the results in these cases. I understand how distressing it is to listen to your baby crying in the car seat, but imagine how much worse it would be to hear those cries in the emergency room, or worse, to be in a crash and then not hear them at all! The greatest demonstration of your love for your child is to keep them as safe as sensibly possible. It is not sensible to allow a child to be unrestrained in a car. Your baby is stilll young. Be firm now, or tht child will *never* want to ride buckled up. Karen — "We did _not_ survive a NUCULAR war! It was a NUCLEAR war! A NUCLEAR war!"
Response:
Looks like the general opinion is that people just don’t want to remove babies from their protective seats, and I will admit that I might have been wrong about this in my original post. But I wonder, how did we ever survive without the government telling us what to do to protect our children all these years? I know that we are supposedly smarted and safer now, but I think it should be up to the parents to decide what they can do with their children on their own property. But if people choose not to remove babies from their protective seat, then I guess if it were me, I wouldn’t be taking my baby anywhere where I couldn’t comfort him/her as per need. Check out my article at http://www.universalway.org/ababyisborn.html. Love, peace and freedom for all people, Mike Have you had a new idea today? How about love, peace and freedom for ALL people? http://www.universalway.org
Response:
Joile, I think that this is a problem that most parents have. My husband and I have to deal with this also. There was even a time that my husband would press down on the accelator as if speeding would solve the problem. Anyway, we found out that music would calm our son down. Try turning on the radio and see if that would help. Good luck. PS. As the others also said, don’t take out your child out of her seat when the car is in motion. You will never forgive yourself is something bad happened. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Hi group! >My daughter (now 11 weeks) cries in her car seat sometimes – usually when >she is fighting sleep – and the cries can be bloodcurdling and very >upsetting. I get in the back seat with her and do all I can to comfort her >in the seat because I am not willing to take her out of the seat when the >car is moving. If she doesn’t calm down in a reasonable period (usually >less than ten minutes) we will stop the car and I will hold her until she >calms. Even so, she will usually cry again within five minutes of the car >moving until she falls asleep. Any suggestions? I worry a lot about the >issue of her perceiving that we are not responding to her cries and feeling >abandoned (even though I am right there doing what I can). >Thanks for any suggestions/advice, >J.
Response:
Now THAT’S a good idea! How about some music? I would recommend Mozart. My sister played Mozart for my niece when she was in the womb, and ever since she was born also, and this is a very calm and well-behaved child. Music soothes the savage beast, but I would recommend classical music to soothe the crying child, and I think the best of classical would be Mozart. My thanks to the person who recommended music, for expanding on my understanding and the possible solutions available. Love, peace and freedom for all people, Mike Have you had a new idea today? How about love, peace and freedom for ALL people? http://www.universalway.org – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Joile, >I think that this is a problem that most parents have. My husband and I >have to deal with this also. There was even a time that my husband would >press down on the accelator as if speeding would solve the problem. >Anyway, we found out that music would calm our son down. Try turning on the >radio and see if that would help. Good luck. >PS. As the others also said, don’t take out your child out of her seat when >the car is in motion. You will never forgive yourself is something bad >happened.
Response:
Hi, I teach Parenting and I have found that most children fall asleep in the car – perhaps after an initial struggle. May I suggest that by pulling over and stopping the car and getting in the back seat with her that you are actually reinforcing her behavior? You are teaching her that you will stop the car if she cries – think about it. Car seats are such an important safety issue that parents must stand absolutely firm on their use. I would recommend that you ignore her when she cries in the car, and give her a chance to "learn" that she has to stay there no matter what. When you use "extinction" as a teaching method a child’s behavior (crying in this case) usually gets WORSE at first (she wants to see if you really mean it) and then will improve gradually. The same technique works with sleeping through the night. As far as worring about not responding to her, I am sure by the tone of your letter that you do respond promptly to her needs in other situations. In the car – her SAFETY comes first. Other tricks that may help might be soft toys, mobiles, music, or a pacifier. Good Luck!
Response:
>>My daughter (now 11 weeks) cries in her car seat sometimes – usually when >she is fighting sleep – and the cries can be bloodcurdling and very >upsetting. I get in the back seat with her and do all I can to comfort her >in the seat because I am not willing to take her out of the seat when the >car is moving. If she doesn’t calm down in a reasonable period (usually >less than ten minutes) we will stop the car and I will hold her until she >calms. Even so, she will usually cry again within five minutes of the car >moving until she falls asleep. Any suggestions? I worry a lot about the >issue of her perceiving that we are not responding to her cries and feeling >abandoned (even though I am right there doing what I can). >Thanks for any suggestions/advice, >J.
My first son was horrible in his car seat! It was so bad that I couldn’t stand going anywhere. Every single time the car would come to a stop, he would scream his lungs out for the entire time I was stopped. It was soooo stressful! The only thing that worked for me was time. He got older and grew out of it. Good luck to you because I know how hard it is! Linda
Response:
try a cassette with lullabye music or try putting a blanket over her car seat..this will lessen the distractions around her and maybe she will fall asleep…workied for my son…sometimes..<G> Tami – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I really appreciate all the support that has been posted for the way I’m > handling the crying in the car seat. Like I wrote in my original post, I am > not willing, nor have I even for a moment considered, taking her out of the > seat while the car is moving. I was looking for advice for distractions > (the suggestions of toys, etc.) and words of wisdom and/or support (this too > shall pass, etc.) on the effects of letting her cry for so long when my > comforting attempts failed. Both of these I have received in abundance > Thanks to all who posted! > J.
Response:
Hello, I’m a mother of three and safety comes first. Please don’t remove your child from the car seat while the car is moving. However, you might try bringing the car seat into the house and setting your baby in the seat at various times throughout the day. This way your baby won’t feel the seat is unfamiliar when it comes time to travel. A short nap in the car seat while it is in the house, near you, (or even set the car seat into your child’s crib) may help raise comfort levels. Also, on short trips, begin to ride in the back seat with your child. If the seat is rear facing, your baby may merely feel alone. You can gradually make steps back to your position in the front. When in the front, keep the radio low and let your baby hear your voice. Occasionally reach out to touch your baby. The more you travel the better it will get. Kim – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I noticed M.P. recommended that you should hold your child to comfort them > in the car. BAD IDEA!! …
Response:
I have two children one is five yrs and the other is three mo, both hated the car seat from birth, but I learned how to combat that. 1. I have a baby carrier type car seat and I never take the baby out of it while it is still in the car. If the little one gets too upset I stop someplace where I can go in with him first. My reasoning for this is I don’t want him to think that he can EVER be unbuckled while he is in the car. 2. I try to plan all trips out of the house wiith someone else along so I can sit in the back with him and give him all the love he needs. 3.I spend about 1 hr everyday playing with him with him in his car seat at home in my living room so he will get used to the car seat and learn that it can be a fun place to spend time in (I did stop this with both once they started to accept the carseat) This has worked well for me with both of my children, my three mo old has even started to act excited to be put in the carseat, because he knows it means special attention is on the way. My five yr old would not think of going any where unbuckled and I have never had to struggle with him to stay in his seat even when he was a toddler BTW I know this wont work for everyone but it has worked twice for me so it might be worth a try BTW AGAIN, I do know someone who thought it would be a good idea to breastfeed her two mo old baby while driving…she rear ended someone and ran the baby into the stearing wheel, the baby was okay, she was lucky. I find it hard to beleave that someone who is trying so hard to do what is right by breastfeeding could be so careless when it comes to a safty issue. Teri
Response:
May I suggest that by pulling over > and stopping the car and getting in the back seat with her that you are > actually reinforcing her behavior? You are teaching her that you will stop > the car if she cries – think about it. . I would recommend > that you ignore her when she cries in the car, > and give her a chance to "learn" that she has to stay there no matter what. > When you use "extinction" as a teaching method a child’s behavior (crying in > this case) usually gets WORSE at first (she wants to see if you really mean it) > and then will improve gradually. The same technique works with sleeping > through the night.
Charles Letbetter, is that you? Sounds like your uncaring, hurtful, ignorant, ignoring type method of dealing with a crying infant.
Response:
> Looks like the general opinion is that people just don’t want to remove > babies from their protective seats, and I will admit that I might have been > wrong about this in my original post. > But I wonder, how did we ever survive without the government telling us what > to do to protect our children all these years? > Mike
Mike, think about this. Years ago there were less cars traveling our roads. Also the original cars didn’t go as fast, couldn’t for that matter. And therefore was no need for children’s car seats, or adults’ seat belts for that matter. But now we have too many cars, too many roads, and too many speeding cars, and now we have discovered the necessity of restraining people and children in car seats/seatbelts for everyone’s safety. That is why we survived so long without the government telling us what to do to protect our kids, because the need wasn’t there then. — Best wishes, Lynn. "The reason our eyes are on the front of our heads is so that we can see where we’re going and not be bothered by what’s past." Sally Huss
Response:
Lynn; About this issue I have thought about an awful lot, and I do not want government in any way telling me what to do with my private life and with my property. However, this is really not an issue for this newsgroup, so I won’t belabor it here. Ideally, people would be so intelligent and compassionate that they themselves would choose to make the correct decisions, and if they are not, it is the fault of parents for not teaching them what they needed to survive and flourish. Getting government to pass laws that end up restricting liberties is no way to enforce responsibility; that should lie within the individual, and no other individual or organization should strive to prevent the parents from obtaining the information they need to pass along to their children and make the choices they feel are correct. My web site says it all. Love, peace and freedom for all people, Mike Have you had a new idea today? How about love, peace and freedom for ALL people? http://www.universalway.org – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Mike, think about this. Years ago there were less cars traveling our >roads. Also the original cars didn’t go as fast, couldn’t for that matter. > And therefore was no need for children’s car seats, or adults’ seat belts >for that matter. But now we have too many cars, too many roads, and too >many speeding cars, and now we have discovered the necessity of restraining >people and children in car seats/seatbelts for everyone’s safety. >That is why we survived so long without the government telling us what to >do to protect our kids, because the need wasn’t there then. >– >Best wishes, Lynn. >"The reason our eyes are on the front of our heads > is so that we can see where we’re going > and not be bothered by what’s past." Sally Huss
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