Question:
>My son loves her to death >and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want >to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about >bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of >whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one >child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had >one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over >reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have.
Okay, my 0.02c. I don’t think this is abuse yet, but it is a big difference of opinion over discipline, and in resolving it you MUST bear in mind that physical punishment CAN escalate, and fast. Nevertheless I do think that people advising you to call in the services are over-reacting in a BIG way. I wouldn’t report her, because although I don’t believe in physical punishment I do think it differs from abuse, but I would do one of the following: a. If you mind a lot about the CURRENT level of violence, withdraw your son, but there’s no need to tell her why. This will keep it friendly; say you have found someone nearer you or whatever, but that you hope to see her at your place from time to time for tea etc. then follow up on that, but don’t leave your son in her care. That should avoid a clean break. I speak from experience; I sacked a violent nanny on teh spot and my son grieved for her for months. b. If you want to give her one last try, ask her for an undertaking NEVER to punish your child physically again, whatever he does. Suggest alternative penalties (like TV deprivation, time out etc). Be very firm, but calm. If she won’t play ball, I’d walk away. — Jane Lumley
Response:
> >I let my daughter say fart, often I ask her if she has to poop or just >fart. She also uses words like vagina and bum. > Oh, my son can discuss pooping, knows both "peeing" and "urinating" along with > most of the proper body part names. . . but "shit", "piss" and a few others I > can think of but don’t want to list here are "bathroom" words, in my house . . > . NOT for general conversation!! > Isa > "Motherhood is not for wimps."
my daughter doesn’t know words like piss or shit… but I don’t think fart is on the same level.
Response:
: I let my daughter say fart, often I ask her if she has to poop or just : fart. She also uses words like vagina and bum. If anyone ever slapped her : for that they’d have some serious problems. She knows when the right time : is, she’s definitely not vulgar, just truthful (the way kids should be). : Fluffing is something you do to pillows, not a bodily function. Why must : so many adults have such silly hang ups. In my household there is no "bad words, only words other people don’t like." My husband and I make an effort to not swear, and Garrett does not get in trouble when he does (It’s actually hilarious the few times he has: he says the word, then looks around to see if we noticed, and then looks rather disgruntled that we didn’t even look up). As a result, he almost NEVER swears. However, at preschool, he regularly (maybe once a week) gets in trouble for swearing. He even gets in trouble for using the word "fart" at school, which I think is ridiculous. The one thing that we do NOT allow, is name-calling. Cathy Weeks
Response:
<snip> > Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and >said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and >sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a >less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and >called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I >know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t >though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". <snip> >Thanks, >Alisa
If she slapped him for saying "fart" what would she do if he uttered the "other" f-word, or any other swear word? I’d get him out of there now…no yesterday! — Paige GO LEAFS!!! proud to be Outlandish "when the guy who invented the drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
Response:
>my daughter doesn’t know words like piss or shit
My son got quite an education in kindergarten. Isa "Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
IMO, you may have to traumatize your son and take him out of that daycare, and report her to the state about hitting your child. That is serious, I do not care what your son said, there are other ways to let a child know that they did something wrong. There are good child care providers out there, this one does not sound so hot. Sara: wife to Rick, mommy to Zachary (12/9/96)
Response:
Please report this daycare what she did is not right. I know its a pain to report these things and you can doubt your self but if it goes unreported then others can have the same thing happen and this is one of the ways people can look into daycares. I don’t know if this will help but maybe you can get with some other mothers at work and get a coop kinda of thing going. 5 moms each take a day, a boss may even go for it. Sorry I don’t have alot of suggestions we have a kindercare out here that is great (in Calif) but I don’t have much exper. with this (my husband and I decided to have a one income family – I work and he is a stay at home dad) Good Luck and always go with your instincts!! Cherie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great > suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have > been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I > can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra > charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly > divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support > so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the > weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her > attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at > odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off > work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick > up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all > the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would > be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex > with her husband during the day with the door open while she was > watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son > goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go > there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not > been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter > hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the > oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have > done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I > think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a > time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a > time out as well 
. Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and > said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and > sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a > less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and > called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I > know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t > though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue > is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not > paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody > should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why > should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone > and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She > tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 > little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily > functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna > see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted > version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little > weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and > giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do > about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her > house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that > she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no > more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap > unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work > the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my > child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death > and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want > to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about > bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of > whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one > child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had > one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over > reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. > Thanks, > Alisa
Response:
I guess I wasn’t clear enough in my last post. I meant that the daycare provider shouldn’t discipline the children by slapping them in the mouth or by smacking their hand. You’d think they would be afraid of a potential lawsuit. — Marie AF/ABV90-0772 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I would just be frank with her and tell her that he is to get only a one > hour nap and that she is not to discipline him in anyway. If she has a > problem with his behavior, she should bring it up with you, not discipline > the child. Give her fair warning that if she doesn’t change, you will > remove your son from his care…and follow through on your word. As far as > it being called abuse, it depends…hard time proving it in court I would > think. But the fact remains that this woman is treating your son like one > of her own. Which isn’t necessarily bad in some aspects but with > discipline, it is. >You can’t be serious. She is supposed to provide daycare but not >discipline the kids? This may not be the discipline the Mom wants i.e >slapping the kids — I wouldn’t either — but the only solution is >probably finding a new day care. Few day care operations will run >different nap times for different kids — it makes their operation too >chaotic — and it is unrealistic to expect day care operators not to >discipline the kids — that is their job. If the discipline practices >conflict with Moms — then she needs to find a day care that is >consistent with hers. > Marie > >First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great > >suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have > >been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I > >can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra > >charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly > >divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support > >so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the > >weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her > >attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at > >odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off > >work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick > >up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all > >the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would > >be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex > >with her husband during the day with the door open while she was > >watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son > >goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go > >there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not > >been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter > >hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the > >oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have > >done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I > >think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a > >time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a > >time out as well . Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and > >said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and > >sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a > >less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and > >called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I > >know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t > >though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue > >is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not > >paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody > >should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why > >should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone > >and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She > >tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 > >little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily > >functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna > >see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted > >version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little > >weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and > >giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do > >about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her > >house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that > >she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no > >more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap > >unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work > >the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my > >child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death > >and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want > >to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about > >bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of > >whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one > >child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had > >one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over > >reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. > >Thanks, > >Alisa
Response:
hi there. I am a stay at home mom who does child care in my home. I would never…NEVER hit a child…especially in the face???Now a baby or toddler i might tap their hands to teach them what no means…but never a 4 year old. I would get your son outta there quick. Also i think its abuse making a child lay there for four hours. A four year old does not need a 4 hour nap. When the kids here say inappropriate words…i tell them that i don’t want to hear that in my house…and if they say it again i make them sit in time out , and then bring it up to the parents that night. Your son needs a new sitter….good luck! kristi
Response:
I would shop around for another daycare, this time, before sending your son, you ought to contact your local Better Buisness Bureau. If it’s a reputable place, they should be listed in good standing with the BBB. I would also report your experiences with the other daycares to the BBB, it might save someone else from going through the horror that you have been through. Leslie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great > suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have > been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I > can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra > charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly > divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support > so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the > weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her > attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at > odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off > work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick > up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all > the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would > be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex > with her husband during the day with the door open while she was > watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son > goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go > there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not > been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter > hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the > oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have > done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I > think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a > time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a > time out as well . Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and > said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and > sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a > less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and > called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I > know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t > though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue > is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not > paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody > should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why > should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone > and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She > tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 > little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily > functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna > see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted > version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little > weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and > giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do > about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her > house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that > she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no > more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap > unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work > the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my > child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death > and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want > to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about > bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of > whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one > child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had > one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over > reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. > Thanks, > Alisa
Response:
>When the kids here say inappropriate words…i tell them that i don’t want >to hear that in my house…and if they say it again i make them sit in time >out
slightly off topic, here . . . I have always called that "bathroom language", and when he used it, sent him to the bathroom, where he could have his time outs. Isa "Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
> slightly off topic, here . . . I have always called that "bathroom language", > and when he used it, sent him to the bathroom, where he could have his time > outs. > Isa > "Motherhood is not for wimps."
I let my daughter say fart, often I ask her if she has to poop or just fart. She also uses words like vagina and bum. If anyone ever slapped her for that they’d have some serious problems. She knows when the right time is, she’s definitely not vulgar, just truthful (the way kids should be). Fluffing is something you do to pillows, not a bodily function. Why must so many adults have such silly hang ups. Karla
Response:
>I let my daughter say fart, often I ask her if she has to poop or just >fart. She also uses words like vagina and bum.
Oh, my son can discuss pooping, knows both "peeing" and "urinating" along with most of the proper body part names. . . but "shit", "piss" and a few others I can think of but don’t want to list here are "bathroom" words, in my house . . . NOT for general conversation!! Isa "Motherhood is not for wimps."
Response:
Hi! First I want you to know my daughters say the exact same things your son says (except the Barney song). Next, I do not think you are over-reacting at all. I would be very P-O’d about that. My heart would race and I’d feel like tearing something up. I’m sorry for your situation. I know it’s hard. I was a single mom once and day-care was very very hard to handle. I jumped daycares weekly if not biweekly until my mom quit working and wanted to keep my daughter. I have no advice for you because I would freak out, but I wanted you to know I feel for you. :o) Marie mommy to Christina, 6-12-95, and Rebecca, 12-4-96 www.freeyellow.com/members6/mommydowis/index.html – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great >suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have >been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I >can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra >charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly >divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support >so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the >weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her >attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at >odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off >work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick >up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all >the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would >be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex >with her husband during the day with the door open while she was >watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son >goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go >there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not >been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter >hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the >oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have >done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I >think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a >time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a >time out as well . Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and >said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and >sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a >less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and >called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I >know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t >though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue >is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not >paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody >should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why >should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone >and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She >tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 >little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily >functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna >see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted >version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little >weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and >giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do >about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her >house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that >she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no >more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap >unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work >the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my >child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death >and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want >to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about >bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of >whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one >child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had >one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over >reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. >Thanks, >Alisa
Response:
I watched my friend’s little boy for three years a few days a week. He and my daughter got along fabulously, in fact, they intend to wed when they grow up… My point here is, my friend told me that when he is in my care, she wanted me to treat him as one of my own. If he did something I would have disciplined my children for, that she wanted me to do the same for her son. Of course this was a good friend, and she knew that my parenting style was similar to hers. I did use time out with her boy on a few occasions, and only once in 3 years, I swatted him in the bottom. On every occasion in which I felt the need to discipline him, I made sure to let the mother know when she came to pick him up, what had led up to it, and what I did. She fully agreed with my decisions every time. I know several daycare providers in my area, and most of them keep a sheet for each child and keep notes for the parent of what the child did that day. What they ate, how long they were outside, how long and if they napped, diapers changed, falls or any other accidents, etc. Perhaps you could ask your provider to do this for you. And as others have said, when you get that feeling in your gut, it’s for a reason. No one else on this earth is as concerned for your son as you are. We have to take a stand for the well being of our babies. I know that I’m the parent the teachers gripe about in the teachers’ lounge after school. But I don’t care. I write letters to the school when I have the slightest concern, and I ask for answers. There are only a few people in this world who I’m going have to face for the rest of my life, and I have to do right by them. Not much, but hope you can find something useful here… Krystal
Response:
My three year old is into this kind of languge too. He shakes his "booty" around too. Our boys would probably have a riot together! This is normal and I think it’s funny, we even encourage him (although it may come back to haunt us:) My son makes up new songs by substituting the word "butt" for several of the correct words. I think he is quite clever as he is able to keep the pattern consistant. He does know that he can’t say that around certain people (our parents and some church friends) and he’s good about it. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". She >tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners.
She can teach him to say what she wants at her house, but you do NOT have to raise your son according to her personal guidelines. I think it is strange that she would blame you for that. Hasn’t she had children who say these things? How old is she? What is her problem? I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her >house anymore.
Then don’t, if you REALLY don’t feel good about it, get him out. I used to go crazy over a few things my sitter did too. Sometimes they drove me crazy, but whenever I seriously considered moving him, they never seemed as important. She spanked him one time because he ran out into a parking lot when he was under 2. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. Later I realized that I had never even given her permission to take him shopping (or to spank him for that matter). I considered taking him out then and maybe I should have, but I knew he loved her and just as importantly, SHE loved him. Do you get the impresssion that your sitter "loves" him, or just the extra sleep filled income? Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that >she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no >more than an hour.
Wait a minute, that IS a major issue, especailly if she doesn’t respect your wishes. If she doesn’t want to enjoy your child, and feels that she wants him out of the way, get him out. I would ask her directly WHY she wants him to nap so long. I would also remind her that you can tell because he won’t go to sleep at night. Is she stimulating your 4 year old? Is she teaching him songs and games and playing pretend life games? Is she doing anything to prepare him for kindergarten? If not, find a place where your son will be accepted and challenged. If he is moved to a place where he will learn new and fun things the change will not be quite as difficult. Interview the places and ask how they would deal with his language, naps, and discipline. Remember, everything your son is doing is normal for kids. I’ve heard girls talk that way too. It’s no big deal!! Good Luck, trust your instincts and your son. Linda
Response:
Hello. I was just checking this out- so I thought I would put in my 2 cents worth. I am also a mother of one, and well as a child care worker(pre-school teacher in the mornings- childcare afternoons). I was thrown that someone in this prefession would hit a child. I know your son loves to be there- but no matter how much I don’t think having him in a care situation where hitting happens is a good idea. If you would really like your son to stay there- why not speak to her privately- explain to her that her hitting your child is not exceptable. And as for her being upset for him saying "fart" that I find humerous. I hav eheard many thing sform the mouths of youngesters and "fart" is not the worst thing a boy/girl can say. They say is to get reactions and to make each other giggle. I hope you have had the chance to speak to her. For your own sanity as well as the well being of your son. I can only imagine the heartache this must put on you… I wish you well -Melissa
Response:
I would just be frank with her and tell her that he is to get only a one hour nap and that she is not to discipline him in anyway. If she has a problem with his behavior, she should bring it up with you, not discipline the child. Give her fair warning that if she doesn’t change, you will remove your son from his care…and follow through on your word. As far as it being called abuse, it depends…hard time proving it in court I would think. But the fact remains that this woman is treating your son like one of her own. Which isn’t necessarily bad in some aspects but with discipline, it is. Marie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great >suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have >been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I >can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra >charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly >divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support >so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the >weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her >attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at >odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off >work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick >up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all >the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would >be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex >with her husband during the day with the door open while she was >watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son >goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go >there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not >been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter >hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the >oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have >done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I >think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a >time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a >time out as well . Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and >said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and >sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a >less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and >called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I >know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t >though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue >is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not >paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody >should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why >should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone >and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She >tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 >little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily >functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna >see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted >version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little >weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and >giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do >about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her >house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that >she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no >more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap >unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work >the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my >child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death >and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want >to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about >bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of >whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one >child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had >one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over >reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. >Thanks, >Alisa
Response:
> I would just be frank with her and tell her that he is to get only a one > hour nap and that she is not to discipline him in anyway. If she has a > problem with his behavior, she should bring it up with you, not discipline > the child. Give her fair warning that if she doesn’t change, you will > remove your son from his care…and follow through on your word. As far as > it being called abuse, it depends…hard time proving it in court I would > think. But the fact remains that this woman is treating your son like one > of her own. Which isn’t necessarily bad in some aspects but with > discipline, it is.
You can’t be serious. She is supposed to provide daycare but not discipline the kids? This may not be the discipline the Mom wants i.e slapping the kids — I wouldn’t either — but the only solution is probably finding a new day care. Few day care operations will run different nap times for different kids — it makes their operation too chaotic — and it is unrealistic to expect day care operators not to discipline the kids — that is their job. If the discipline practices conflict with Moms — then she needs to find a day care that is consistent with hers. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Marie >First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great >suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have >been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I >can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra >charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly >divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support >so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the >weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her >attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at >odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off >work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick >up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all >the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would >be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex >with her husband during the day with the door open while she was >watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son >goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go >there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not >been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter >hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the >oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have >done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I >think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a >time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a >time out as well . Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and >said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and >sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a >less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and >called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I >know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t >though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue >is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not >paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody >should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why >should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone >and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She >tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 >little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily >functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna >see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted >version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little >weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and >giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do >about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her >house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that >she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no >more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap >unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work >the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my >child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death >and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want >to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about >bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of >whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one >child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had >one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over >reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. >Thanks, >Alisa
Response:
You are not over reacting, IMHO. Your present care giver is abusing your child and should be reported. If she had even a little bit of early childhood education under her belt, she would realise that 4 year old boys and sometimes girls are right into bathroom humour. In fact, you can pick out a table of 4’s in an instant just by hearing all the bathroom talk. You should look into licensed family day care or licensed group care for your son.Demand to see credentials!! The centre should produce a handbook of policies and procedures that explains the centre’s mandate, expectations, discipline policies, hours, rates, closures, methods of payment, trial periods, what the child needs to bring, things from home,and how the caregivers effectively provide a learning environment which is safe and developmentally appropriate for the children. There should be daily outdoor time and REASONABLE (1-2 hours) of rest time. There should be an open door policy at all times your child is there. You should be invited to drop by anytime and that includes lunch time. I have finished my Early Childhood Education and I operate a small family childcare centre. I have chosen this route in order to be home during the day for my school age son. I have had job offers from other group centres and I have a waiting list for upcoming spaces in my centre. I would be very happy to e-mail you a copy of my handbook. Perhaps you could use it to help you choose questions to ask and things to look for when you are looking for other care. some education about child development and return to child care better for it. Good luck. This must be an extremely difficult time for you. ronnie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great >suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have >been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I >can’t seem to find a decent daycare
Response:
Alisa, Have a conversation with your daycare provider and outline exactly what you expect her to do and not do with your son. Be very specific and very clear. For example… tell her that there may be no smacking at all. Of, if you feel it is appropriate, she may smack his hand if he is about to touch something hot. As I said, be specific. If you and your daycare provider cannot come to an agreement, or she does not uphold her part of the agreement, you need to "go with your gut" and find someone who will. Then BEFORE you put your child in care with another center/person outline all your expectations ahead of time. And I do mean ALL, pay rate, overtime rate, meals, discipline, naps, etc etc etc. A situation where a child frequently changes caregivers is unhealthy emotionally, so you want to be sure that the next situation will be the last one. ~Jan
Response:
I think you have gotten some very good advice and you should listen to it. One thing I learned very early in my adventures as a Mommy, LISTEN to your gut. When something just doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. It’s like those times when the child is just "too quiet" and you go to see what they are doing and sure enough it’s something they shouldn’t be into. I don’t envy you trying to find good daycare. I know how hard that can be. I worked outside the home till my daughter was 3 1/2. I had a wonderful sitter, but I lucked into her. My older sister had used her when her girls were little. Talk to other parents you know. Ask them where they take their children. And don’t be afraid to check the sitter out thoroughly before you leave your son with them. Call the state licensing (sp?) board and ask them which centers don’t have any complaints. Check into church run daycares. I know around here there are some wonderful church run centers that have very loving environments. I understand that cost is an issue here too and sometimes the church centers are more able to work something out to make that easier on the parents. Here’s the bottom line on the sitter you have now. I can understand her smacking his hand, gently if he was reaching for the stove and it was hot. Sometimes that is the quickest, safest way to keep the child from being burned. **But there is no reason in the world for her to have slapped his mouth. Especially for saying "fart." My 7 year old girl is fond of calling people "pooty-gooferhead." (pooty is a friend’s euphamism for fart.) All kids get a giggle out of bodily functions. **And she is not listening to your requests. You have asked her not to make him sleep for 4 hours. If he is only there for 8 hours or so during the day, that is half the time he is there. Way too long. I know several women who run daycare in their homes and none of them have the children nap longer than 1-2 hours. (I’m in Indiana or I would send you a list of names to check into. Sorry.) She is just keeping him in bed to make her day easier. He needs to be removed from her care. I know you said that is going to be hard on him. I am sorry but I don’t have any good suggestions on dealing with that. Maybe when you find a new place, you can talk it up and make it sound like the best thing since chocolate ice cream. Hang in there, hon. I know it’s not gonna be fun, but you have to put his safety and well-being first. Come back and let us know how things go. And if you have more questions while you are looking, ask away. Take care, Sharon
Response:
Alisa Sleep wrote < I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. Your last sentence says it all. As a parent you HAVE to listen to yourself first. If I were you, I would not take my child back to her. I would call the state licensing board first and register a complaint about child abuse. You owe this woman no explanations nor apologies, your son’s welfare comes first. She’s demonstrated she doesn’t listen to your requests for shorter nap times, so obviously she’s only interested in the money you pay her. It’s so much easier to watch children when they’re napping, and that’s what she’s doing. Good luck.
Response:
Listen to your instincts – if you feel this is wrong, then get him out of there. Of course, any day care or school setting must provide discipline, but it shouldn’t be corporal punishment. Time outs, standing in the corner nose to the wall etc. And, this person should absolutely know that 4 years old is the "doody head" stage for boys and girls. I would look around for another daycare alternative Good Luck Heidi
Response:
First of all, this is a great newsgroup. I have found a lot of great suggestions here and hopefully someone can give me some advice. I have been through three daycares in three years since I moved to Wyoming. I can’t seem to find a decent daycare. First one tried to throw in extra charges on me not by a few dollars but like $20-40 dollars. I was newly divorced and had to support my son %100 on my own with no child support so I was very carefull about where my money was going. I noticed the weird increases in bills right away. I tired to bring it to her attention and she said just a clerical error. It seemed to continue at odd times so I found someone else. At the second daycare, I got off work a few hours early one day because I wasn’t feeling. I went to pick up my son and found the daycare lady’s 9 year old daughter home with all the kids alone. The daughter said her mom was at the store and she would be right back.Then I found out that the daycare lady was also having sex with her husband during the day with the door open while she was watching children. Needless to say my son was outta there. Now, my son goes to a daycare where he seems to love. He is always wanting to go there and she is very reasonable on price where the other two have not been. A couple of months ago my son came home and said the babysitter hit his hand. I was surprised and asked why and he said he touched the oven. I was a little mad but kinda understood being that I would have done the same thing. I don’t spank my son but not necessarly because I think it is wrong. I am a little neutral about the issue. I am more of a time out parent mainly because my son can make me so made that I need a time out as well . Anyways, a couple of days ago my son came home and said his daycare lady "spanked his mouth". I asked him to show me and sure enough he smaked me in the mouth (next time I am going to ask for a less physical example.. that one hurt). I was pretty mad about this and called my son’s daycare provider and she said that he said "fart". I know to some people think that is inappropriate language I just don’t though. She told me I should teach him to say "fluff". The bigger issue is that I am pretty upset about the fact that she hit my son. I am not paying her to hit him and it is not her place or anyones. If anybody should be diciplining in that way it should be me and I don’t, so why should she. My son makes it very obviouse when he doesn’t like someone and regardless of what she has done he still loves to go over there.She tried to blame me for not teaching him enough manners. He is 4 1/2 little boy and little boys seem to be very excited with gross bodily functions such as that. My son just comes up and laughs and says "Wanna see my butt?" and shakes it in a cha cha mode. He also has the twisted version of barney "I love you, you love my butt!" I know it is a little weird but he is a boy and unfortuantly boys grow into men who laugh and giggle about gross bodily functions I am not sure what I should do about this. I just feel funny about it and I don’t want him to go to her house anymore. Another issue I am having which isn’t so major is that she gives him 4 hour naps. I have told her time and time again that no more than an hour. When he is withme for the day I don’t give him a nap unless he acts like he needs one. It is really hard to get up for work the next day at 5am and have to fight the snow and the cold when my child won’t go to bed till midnight or 1am. My son loves her to death and I think taking him out would be almost traumatizing to him. I want to sit down with her and explain how I feel but how do you go about bringing the issue of abuse up politly. Then there is the issue of whether or not it was abuse. I am so confused. I am only 26 and have one child. I didn’t babysit as a teen and didn’t even like kids before I had one of my own. I guess I need some advice on whether or not I am over reacting here. I just can’t seem to shake this bad feeling I have. Thanks, Alisa
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