Pure Parents

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here > are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We > both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on > the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for > financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well > considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was > pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). > We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill > (a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. > But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again > (i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, > but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a > sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and > has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. > Sometimes you get lonely, etc. > I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a > little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a > decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision > you did, please.

Well, here’s my $.02:  I don’t think there’s much evidence either way about how well adjusted only children are.  I love my brothers and can’t imagine life without them, but then that’s just the way it’s turned out for me. We did fight like hell when we were kids.  There’s no guarantee that brothers and sisters will love or even like each other.  I’ve seen many cases of bad relationships between siblings.  So no, I wouldn’t have another kid just to give your daughter a baby brother or sister, if that’s the main or only reason for having one.

Response:

There is an article in the NYT Magazine this weekend on the advantages to the child of being an ‘only’ if you feel you need additional justification. —– Yes, I read that article and it was good. They studied lots of Chinese only children (due to the b.c. regulations over there) and found them to be very well adjusted. They said they performed highly on many tests.  You shouldn’t have more kids than you can handle in any case. I felt a strong need to have more than one but to each their own. Some people feel a need to have six! I can’t even pictrure that! M&D

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> I will probably be flamed right off the list but…..my husband is an only > child, and I was basically raised as an only child by my grandparents. We > intend on only having the one that I am carrying. Due to the fact that we > are not financially able to afford two, nor do we think that it is such a > life shattering thing to be an only child.  

I think it’s pretty intelligent to make a conscious decision not to have children you can’t afford.  I’m sure you and your husband will do a great job with this baby.  :> — Linda I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few.

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Just a reply to Brian who said "adopting babies is very difficult." This is not necessarily so. Although it takes a strong commitment and some ups and downs, adopting a baby is very "doable." We adopted our beautiful baby girl within a year of starting the process. Of course, parenting an older child is a wonderful way to go too! But if you really have a strong pull to parent an infant, I just wanted to let you know it’s not as difficult as many people think. The "one or two?" question has another dimension when you have a child by adoption. I always wanted two. . . but we are older, tired first time parents. Our plan is to wait until our daughter is a year old and re-assess how we are feeling. I’d love to have two, and for children who join families by adoption having a sib (who is also genetically unrelated to the parents) can be very important. . . but I want to make sure we have the energy to parent well.   Michelle

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> I will probably be flamed right off the list but…..my husband is an only > child, and I was basically raised as an only child by my grandparents. We > intend on only having the one that I am carrying. Due to the fact that we > are not financially able to afford two, nor do we think that it is such a > life shattering thing to be an only child. Both my husband and I have been > complemented throughout our lives for being so independent and mature, and I

It is silly to have more kids than you want in order to provide the right environment for the first one.  Plus, as I noted before only children are generally ’superior’ by most ways we measure child rearing outcomes — including the maturity and independence you noted.  There is an article in the NYT Magazine this weekend on the advantages to the child of being an ‘only’ if you feel you need additional justification. The world is probably a better place due to the variety of families — enjoy your one —

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I will probably be flamed right off the list but…..my husband is an only child, and I was basically raised as an only child by my grandparents. We intend on only having the one that I am carrying. Due to the fact that we are not financially able to afford two, nor do we think that it is such a life shattering thing to be an only child. Both my husband and I have been complemented throughout our lives for being so independent and mature, and I feel that has a great deal to do with the fact that we were only children. I’m not sure that having a sibling just for "friendship" is such a good idea. I have seen many a person with siblings hate them to their siblings to the very fiber. And I also don’t believe that an only child necessarily has to be "spoiled". If giving all of your attention to one child allows them to be spoiled, call me a spoiler! Okay, just my two cents worth. Melissa Powell – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here >are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We >both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on >the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for >financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well >considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was >pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). >We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill >(a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. >But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again >(i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, >but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a >sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and >has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. >Sometimes you get lonely, etc. >I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a >little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a >decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision >you did, please. >Thanks! >Boy, is this timely for us!  Alicia & I worked for several years to become >financially prepared, and having started late in life we are now in our mid & >late 30s with a 6-mo-old baby girl who we love dearly.  But to have a second via >conception would mean having a baby when I’m about 40 or so; a bit TOOO late for >our liking, considering how tired we are NOW.  :-) >But, having been basically an only child myself (severely retarded sister, birth >problem due to 10-month pregnancy & an OB who didn’t know what he was doing) I >know the downside of not having a sibling.  Yes, the give and take of having a >sibling can be tough on parents & kids, but without one I was too self-centered >for my own good and still have problems with that.  There are some kinds of >maturity one can only gain from struggle, and I never had to struggle with early >acceptance that I had to share on a daily basis—parents, stuff, opinions, etc. >My wife had a brother and does not have to deal with those inner struggles now >as I do; but she does with me. >So we’re planning to adopt if possible.  Adopting babies is very difficult and >we probably won’t go that route, but our church sponsors two children’s homes >and there are always older children who need parents.  We had agreed even before >we married that adoption is an option we believe worthy of exploring, and a good >thing to do if we need to or can.  But for us, one birth experience (wonderful >and terrifying and dangerous as it is) was enough.  That DOESN’T mean one CHILD >is enough.  :-) >– >—Brian Hulett, Editor >THE WINNING DRIVE Fantasy Football News & Champions’ Tipsheet >http://thewinningdrive.com

Response:

>That was my point is that you have to make a concerted effort with an only >child to make sure that they do get the kind of interaction that will expose >them to the situations that siblings are automatically exposed to. > she’s tells me that the loss of her parents is made >harder by the fact that she has no sibling to reminisce with about family >life.

I’ll tell you, though, my husband and I have to  work harder than ever, since our second child, at finding ways to give them each individualized attention. Also,   I have never worked so hard as I have trying to deal with their arguing in the fairest way.  I have never worked so hard as I have trying to keep an even temper as I have with 2 children versus 1.  The list goes on. Maybe there are some automatic benefits to having two children versus an only child but there’s also some automatic benefits the other way around.   I feel for your friend who has lost both of her parents.  I lost my mother at 23 and my father passed away about 5 years ago.  I’m 40 now.  It’s a strange feeling when both of your parents are gone.  For me, along with the grief at losing them,  I felt like the safety net had been removed.   It isn’t an easy thing to go through, that’s for sure.  Your friend is lucky to have you to lean on. Linda C.

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I think in general only children are more like first children in personality – high achievers who are a bit less flexible than their siblings. It really bugs me to see this "only children can’t share" line dragged out. If you want your kid to learn to share, you model sharing, generosity, concern for others. —— That was my point is that you have to make a concerted effort with an only child to make sure that they do get the kind of interaction that will expose them to the situations that siblings are automatically exposed to. That’s not to say that only children are incapable of sharing it’s just that if the parents don’t emphasize these issues then the child will be slower to learn them. Children with siblings are dealing with a lot of these issues on a daily basis and they also have siblings to grow up with that will have a shared past to reflect on one day as the years progress. I have a dear friend who is an only child and she’s only 36 and now lost both her parents and she’s tells me that the loss of her parents is made harder by the fact that she has no sibling to reminisce with about family life. M&D

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My husband and I both work full time.  We had decided to have just one child, but when she turned four, I changed my mind.  She was not so much work anymore, and so now we have a daughter, age 8, and a son, age 3.  They play very nicely together. Deb – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > My wife and I have been going back and forth on this issue for quite some > time–our son will soon be six years old, and we still haven’t had a second > child. Some of it has been due to financial pressure not to have another child, > but our situation has improved in that regard. > Since, he is older now, we have discussed adoption. I wonder what experiences > others have had either with adopting a child that is about 4 years old or having > a second child several years after the first one. > Thanks, > Kurt > I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here > are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We > both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on > the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for > financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well > considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was > pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). > We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill > (a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. > But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again > (i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, > but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a > sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and > has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. > Sometimes you get lonely, etc. > I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a > little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a > decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision > you did, please. > Thanks!

Response:

>When I >had my first child, I vowed he wouldn’t be an ONLY–and he isn’t.  

This reminds me about my cousin, now 39 yrs old and an only child, only because his mother couldn’t have more childen. He had many friends and was very popular, but he always wanted a sibling growing up. When he got older, he would only marry his girlfriend upon the agreement that they have more than one child. Otherwise, he wouldn’t marry her (this was something that so bothered him during his childhood years that he was intent upon not having it repeated with his ownchild). And, they did have more than one. Susan

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My wife and I have been going back and forth on this issue for quite some time–our son will soon be six years old, and we still haven’t had a second child. Some of it has been due to financial pressure not to have another child, but our situation has improved in that regard. Since, he is older now, we have discussed adoption. I wonder what experiences others have had either with adopting a child that is about 4 years old or having a second child several years after the first one. Thanks, Kurt – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here > are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We > both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on > the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for > financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well > considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was > pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). > We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill > (a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. > But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again > (i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, > but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a > sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and > has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. > Sometimes you get lonely, etc. > I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a > little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a > decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision > you did, please. > Thanks!

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here >are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once. We >both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on >the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for >financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well >considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was >pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). >We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill >(a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. >But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again >(i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, >but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a >sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and >has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. >Sometimes you get lonely, etc. >I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a >little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a >decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision >you did, please. >Thanks!

I grew up an ONLY and it was indeed lonely.  Some people think it would be great because you get most everything you want, but human companionship is always (or should always be) more important than things.  I had playmates and friends, but I’ve learned, through my husband’s family, that friends are never the same as siblings who share your childhood memories.  When I had my first child, I vowed he wouldn’t be an ONLY–and he isn’t.  

Response:

> It’s a personal choice but from my experience with children that grow up > alone is that they don’t learn to share and get along as well.

I think this is a false stereotype. Only children come in all varieties and how they develop depends a lot on their family’s attitude. Some of them share better because they don;’t have to "protect" their things at home from grabby siblings. Others don’t. I think in general only children are more like first children in personality – high achievers who are a bit less flexible than their siblings. It really bugs me to see this "only children can’t share" line dragged out. If you want your kid to learn to share, you model sharing, generosity, concern for others. I’ve seem plenty of kids with siblings who were greedy about their toys, food, etc, because they felt they always had to fight to get their share.  Does anyone know of any solid studies that show that onlies are more selfish than other kids?

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I found that I was lucky being an only in the ’50’s as most people had a big families and I enjoyed having a lot of playmates as well as a large group of cousins.  I don’t feel I suffered as a child or adolescent BUT as an adult with an elderly parent – YIKES!!!  I can’t share anything with anyone.  I know it’s no guarantee that one gets along with their family or siblings but most people do than don’t.  I can’t share childhood memories with anyone that would remember things with me and when my dad is gone so dies my family.  I was equally excited that nature took the decision out of our hands and gave us twins.  I now can’t imagine just having one. Just my 2 cents. Shirley – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here >are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We >both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on >the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for >financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well >considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was >pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). >We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill >(a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. >But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again >(i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, >but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a >sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and >has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. >Sometimes you get lonely, etc. >I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a >little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a >decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision >you did, please. >Thanks!

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It’s a personal choice but from my experience with children that grow up alone is that they don’t learn to share and get along as well. Eventually I’m sure they learn it but I’ve noticed a big difference in the way they play with other children. They are so used to noone touching their things. Unlike in my house where my poor daughter returns home to find that her younger brother has rifled through and lost something of hers. Then she has to deal with the fact that she didn’t put it away and that’s also why it happened. So they learn a lot of things from little things like that happening. She learns that she HAS to put her stuff away and how to share plus how to get along with a child not your age and on and on. Another example is my 8 year old will get up on the weekend and take her brother out of his crib, change his diaper and feed him breakfast. She learns responsibility and so many things that an only child will never be exposed to. Plus, as you get older it is so nice to have an another sibling. Of course it’s not the end of the world if your an only child but I think if you can manage it it’s a great thing. M&D

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here >are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We >both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on >the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for >financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well >considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was >pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). >We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill >(a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. >But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again >(i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, >but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a >sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and >has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. >Sometimes you get lonely, etc. >I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a >little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a >decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision >you did, please. >Thanks!

Boy, is this timely for us!  Alicia & I worked for several years to become financially prepared, and having started late in life we are now in our mid & late 30s with a 6-mo-old baby girl who we love dearly.  But to have a second via conception would mean having a baby when I’m about 40 or so; a bit TOOO late for our liking, considering how tired we are NOW.  :-) But, having been basically an only child myself (severely retarded sister, birth problem due to 10-month pregnancy & an OB who didn’t know what he was doing) I know the downside of not having a sibling.  Yes, the give and take of having a sibling can be tough on parents & kids, but without one I was too self-centered for my own good and still have problems with that.  There are some kinds of maturity one can only gain from struggle, and I never had to struggle with early acceptance that I had to share on a daily basis—parents, stuff, opinions, etc. My wife had a brother and does not have to deal with those inner struggles now as I do; but she does with me. So we’re planning to adopt if possible.  Adopting babies is very difficult and we probably won’t go that route, but our church sponsors two children’s homes and there are always older children who need parents.  We had agreed even before we married that adoption is an option we believe worthy of exploring, and a good thing to do if we need to or can.  But for us, one birth experience (wonderful and terrifying and dangerous as it is) was enough.  That DOESN’T mean one CHILD is enough.  :-) — —Brian Hulett, Editor THE WINNING DRIVE Fantasy Football News & Champions’ Tipsheet http://thewinningdrive.com

Response:

I "decided" that I was only going to have one child, but when that first child was about 13 months, I changed my mind, and we had a second when the first was 3 years old.  The second is now 16 months and he’s wonderful, but I definitely don’t want a third. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here >are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We >both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on >the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for >financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well >considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was >pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). >We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill >(a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. >But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again >(i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, >but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a >sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and >has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. >Sometimes you get lonely, etc. >I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a >little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a >decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision >you did, please. >Thanks!

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I accidentally deleted the previous post that started this thread, but here are my $.02.  My husband and I have debated this issue more than once.  We both work full-time also.  Our first child was a HUGE surprise (as I was on the pill when I found out I was pregnant) and one we were not prepared for financially.  It has been tough going, but I think we have done well considering we had only been married one year when I found out I was pregnant (our daughter is now 2.2 YO). We haven’t really reached a firm decision on the matter.  I am on the pill (a STRONGER one now), as we know we do NOT want another child right now. But, we are not taking any measures to make sure that it never happens again (i.e.. vasectomy).  I think that I would be okay with just having one child, but I’m not sure that would be good for our daughter.  I enjoyed having a sister growing up, and so did my husband.  My Father was an only child and has told us (when we asked him) that it is hard to be an only child. Sometimes you get lonely, etc. I would be interested to see what others post on this, as we could use a little advice on the subject ourselves.  So, anyone out there who made a decision on this one way or the other, let us know why you made the decision you did, please. Thanks!

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