Pure Parents

Question:

My wife and I have different ideas on how to raise our daughter. Now 2, she is the love of our 10 year marrige(this month). We differ in our approach to our daughters demands. When Melissa(daughter) demands, my wife jumps. Most of the time my wife looks for objects to clam her. This is mostly by putting something into her month. (food or plug) I try to tell her that we should not use rewards for acting out, but she continues to bribe our child. I say bribe because I feel that a child will repeat the behavior if its acted upon once before. My daughter as cute as she is, needs to learn that she can calm herself down without a oral object. My wife, bless her, is only doing what her heart is telling her. She wants to do anything for Melissa and so do I. But I draw lines. I don`t bribe to get good behavior.  I want a child who knows her limits without direct rewards. I will not reinforce bad behavior by giving her what she is screaming for. This is a on going thing. My wife doesn`t set limits in her mind. She lets the child direct the action. If the child doesn`t want to go to bed, she crys and my wife lets her go. She feels like she`s punishing her. And my wife gets very quite when I give Melissa a time out for something. I end up punishing them both. My wife I love. She is the best that any daughter could ask for. I wish I could make her understand that we are in this together and that her actions or her failure to act, sometimes make it more difficult for me in dealing with Melissa. I try to make her see that you can love your child and passively direct her. She just has to make up her mind what she wants. Please answer some ?s for me. My child has very few outbursts with me alone. She only does them in my wifes presents. Why? Am I being too hard? Do you set limits on your kids actions? What are they? And what happens when they cross those limits? Does it matter that my wife feeds my daughter junk just because she wants to keep her happy? Send your responces to Thanks for Reading

Response:

There is no ONE RIGHT way to deal with children.  What is most important is that mom and dad are united in what they do.  The conflict between what the two of you feel is appropriate is the major problem.   Both parents need to come to an agreement on how to proceed.   .. Dr. Lee Burnham Rocky Mountain Center for Human Development Dedicated to creating material to help parents meet the developmental needs of children Free Material for Parents at Web Site:   http://www.ditell.com/~aspen Free Web Page at: http://w3.servint.com/cognigen/f/fci.cgi?bu9542867.html

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->My wife and I have different ideas on how to raise our daughter. Now >2, she is the love of our 10 year marrige(this month). We differ in >our approach to our daughters demands. >When Melissa(daughter) demands, my wife jumps. Most of the time my >wife looks for objects to clam her. This is mostly by putting >something into her month. (food or plug) >I try to tell her that we should not use rewards for acting out, but >she continues to bribe our child. I say bribe because I feel that a >child will repeat the behavior if its acted upon once before. My >daughter as cute as she is, needs to learn that she can calm >herself down without a oral object. >My wife, bless her, is only doing what her heart is telling her. She >wants to do anything for Melissa and so do I. But I draw lines. >I don`t bribe to get good behavior.  I want a child who knows >her limits without direct rewards. I will not reinforce bad behavior >by giving her what she is screaming for. >This is a on going thing. My wife doesn`t set limits in her mind. >She lets the child direct the action. If the child doesn`t want to go >to bed, she crys and my wife lets her go. She feels like she`s >punishing her. And my wife gets very quite when I give Melissa >a time out for something. I end up punishing them both. >My wife I love. She is the best that any daughter could ask for. >I wish I could make her understand that we are in this together >and that her actions or her failure to act, sometimes make it more >difficult for me in dealing with Melissa. I try to make her see that >you can love your child and passively direct her. She just has to >make up her mind what she wants. >Please answer some ?s for me. >My child has very few outbursts with me alone. She only does them in >my wifes presents. Why? >Am I being too hard? >Do you set limits on your kids actions? What are they? >And what happens when they cross those limits? >Does it matter that my wife feeds my daughter junk just because she >wants to keep her happy? >Send your responces to >Thanks for Reading

First of all – and I am assuming that you go out to work and your wife doesn’t – it’s really different when you care for a child all day. I hope you try to fully appreciate how difficult it is when you have been coping with the "terrible twos" from whenever your daughter wakes up in the morning (5am when mine was two) to whenever she goes to bed. After seven hours non-stop it is hard to be reasonable, and sometimes giving in is a less frustrating option. When one has been somewhere else all day – i.e. work – one doesn’t have the same tunnel vision. Having said this though, the very worst thing you can do with a young child is to have opposing views on it’s upbringing and you really have to come to some form of arrangement between yourselves. Otherwise your daughter will learn to play on these differences. One thing I found (and still find) useful is trying not to be negative all the time – "stop doing that". You can try distraction. Change the subject – if you can see she is winding up to throw a wobbly, pretend you haven’t noticed and say "I’ve just remembered, I was going to ask if you wanted to help me wash up/look at this book/draw a picture/blow these bubbles etc" – it is amazing how quickly they can be distracted. Also it’s really worth giving fulsome praise when she IS being good. If you have been somewhere and she hasn’t misbehaved try going right over the top with praise "you know I was REALLY proud of you at the supermarket this morning, you were acting like a REALLY big girl. I bet some people must have thought you were at least three!" Rewards are another thing that can help. You can offer them as an inducement – "if you are really good while we do the shopping you can have a ride on the car oputside the shop". Or they can be spontaneous – You were so good last night I think you deserve a special treat this morning. This isn’t bribery – think of it as a company bonus! good luck! — Claudine Lazar

Response:

I can relate to a lot of your experiences.  For example, when our daughter was very young my wife also would jump and respond to the slightest wimper.   Based on my own experience (also with a girl), and discussions with my wife and other psychotherapists, I’ve come to the conclusion that my wife was much more ‘right’ than me.  The thing that I came to realize is that kids can’t learn patience or discipline until they can understand.  First they have to come to view the world as a safe, secure place.  Once they feel safe and secure, they can better venture out and exert some independence. I have also found that when one attempts to instill the characteristics that men are used to (like discipline and accomplishment, following rules, etc.) too early, the child doesn’t understand and may frequently be angry.  Then the child misbehaves not in response to a particular situation, but because they are just pissed. Here are a few more things that seem to have worked.  Kids like a consistent, structured life.  A regular routine is desireable, but judgement is always required when the child is uncooperative in complying with the routine.  (I always try to ask myself two questions;  Is there a reason the child is so discontented?  I this over a real issue, e.g., safety related, or is it just a power struggle between the child and adult?) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >When Melissa(daughter) demands, my wife jumps. Most of the time my >wife looks for objects to clam her. This is mostly by putting >something into her month. (food or plug) >I try to tell her that we should not use rewards for acting out, but >she continues to bribe our child. I say bribe because I feel that a >child will repeat the behavior if its acted upon once before. My >daughter as cute as she is, needs to learn that she can calm >herself down without a oral object. >My wife, bless her, is only doing what her heart is telling her. She >wants to do anything for Melissa and so do I. But I draw lines. >I don`t bribe to get good behavior.  I want a child who knows >her limits without direct rewards. I will not reinforce bad behavior >by giving her what she is screaming for. >This is a on going thing. My wife doesn`t set limits in her mind. >She lets the child direct the action. If the child doesn`t want to go >to bed, she crys and my wife lets her go. She feels like she`s >punishing her. And my wife gets very quite when I give Melissa >a time out for something. I end up punishing them both. >My wife I love. She is the best that any daughter could ask for. >I wish I could make her understand that we are in this together >and that her actions or her failure to act, sometimes make it more >difficult for me in dealing with Melissa. I try to make her see that >you can love your child and passively direct her. She just has to >make up her mind what she wants. >Please answer some ?s for me. >My child has very few outbursts with me alone. She only does them in >my wifes presents. Why?

***Your child has probably figured out that the outbursts don’t work with you, while your wife will respond.   >Am I being too hard?

***Ask three people get four answers.  I suspect that your daughter is too young for timeouts.  Nobody knows how to raise your daughter better then you.  At the same time, you might want to consider whether at 2 y.o. the focus shouldn’t be just on nurturing instead of training.  You have good ideas (e.g., don’t reward bad behavior), but she may have to be somewhat older before they will have the intended affect. >Do you set limits on your kids actions? What are they?

***My daughter just turned 4 y.o.  We have always set limits on safety issues.  We probably started setting more limits in her third year appropriate for what she could understand (e.g., length of T.V. time). More recently we find ourselves setting more limits with the passage of time.  However, we studiously avoid setting limits on any creative activities.   Generally we now find that our daughter is quite well behaved and wants to satisfy us.  We still have plenty of disagreements and [loud] crying about certain issues, but we try to determine before hand whether the particular circumstance and issue merit a nuclear war, as well as the approach.  One big surprise to me is that, even at this age, I can reason with my daughter at a fairly sophisticated level and she understands and usually tries to cooperate.  One tactic I have found to be successful is to offer her two options, and then let her pick the option.   In general, I didn’t nearly realize how much they can understand, as well as how much they pick up when my wife and I talk to each other. >And what happens when they cross those limits?

***In some cases we use preventive measures with small goals and rewards (goes to bed on time, gets a sticker on a chart).  Sometimes we capitulate if we decide it is an issue where it is OK for her to have control (and we tell her).  Sometimes we may turn off the T.V., or carry her into the bedroom (i.e., physically enforce the limit). Always we verbally explain what is going on.  [e.g., This is something where mommy and daddy need to be the boss because you could get a big booboo.] Ultimately, you can’t make a kid do something they really don’t want to and that is arbitrary (e.g., what to wear that day) without coming accross as a bully and bringing about delayed behavior problems.  (Can you MAKE a kid go to sleep if they don’t want to?  You can put them in the crib, but if they are screaming and you just walk out, as far as they are concerned they have been abandoned.)  At some early ages, in their mind, not only are you gone, but you don’t exist and they can’t trust you to be there. >Does it matter that my wife feeds my daughter junk just because she >wants to keep her happy?

Another tough question.  Is your wife feeding her because your daughter wants to eat; or is your wife trying to prevent your daughter from ever having hurtful feelings [e.g., dealing with the problem or frustration by distracting her]? At that age, I would say when kids ask to eat, feed them.  However, when they are upset, {unless they are also hungry} don’t feed them (they’ll just learn to deal with problems by eating), comfort them.   Hope this is helpful.  Write back if you have any more questions from another dad in a similar situation.

Response:

>My wife and I have different ideas on how to raise our daughter. Now >2, she is the love of our 10 year marrige(this month). We differ in >our approach to our daughters demands. >Please answer some ?s for me. >My child has very few outbursts with me alone. She only does them in >my wifes presents. Why?

Why do you think?  Because it works with your wife and it doesn’t work with you. >Am I being too hard?

I don’t have a clear idea of exactly how you handle Melissa’s outbursts, but I don’t believe setting reasonable and age-appropriate limits should be considered "hard" on children. >Do you set limits on your kids actions? What are they?

You bet!  We have rules for bedtime, meals, etc.  We also have a policy that we "can’t understand" whining or nasty voices. >And what happens when they cross those limits?

It depends.  Not responding to whining (while repeating that we only understand "nice" voices), physically removing the child to a time-out place, physically putting the child back where she should be (at the table or in bed) etc. >Does it matter that my wife feeds my daughter junk just because she >wants to keep her happy?

ABSOLUTELY!  Really bad idea!  It teaches all kinds of harmful things and doesn’t teach your daughter how to begin to control herself. (I only have this objection to food, though.  I don’t see anything wrong with giving her a favorite blankie, etc.) While this demanding, testing type of behavior is normal and typical for a 2 yo, your daughter is pulling all the strings here.  Our instinctive response to infants is to jump when they cry because it’s necessary then.  But as they get older we have to retrain ourselves as well as our children.  A 2 yo throwing a tantrum is not uncommon.  A five yo throwing a tantrum is a brat. Make sure that you do what you can "up-front".  Don’t let her get over-tired; see that she eats regularly and well; if there is a particular thing that upsets her, remove it or deal with it in some other way if at all possible (my daughter got hysterical about an aquarium in her room!).  Talk with your wife about a middle ground you can both agree on or maybe one thing is most important to you (bedtime) and something else is most important to her (shorter time-outs).  And remember, pick your battles and limit them to just a few.  Be flexible enough to let your daughter have her own way when you reasonably can – not everything has to be a war. You, your wife AND your daughter will be happier once some limits are set and learned.  Be warned, though, it won’t be easy!  In fact, your daughter will probably get "worse" before she gets "better".  But the longer you wait, the worse and harder it will be.  Your daughters shock and dismay at this turn of events won’t last long (really) and it has to be done sometime unless you plan to let your daughter call all the shots from now on while you jump through the hoops.   Melissa is lucky to have two loving and giving parents – I’m sure all will work out. Practice setting limits and being firm now – those teenage years aren’t as far away as you may think! Good luck to you! nancy  (mom to Bethany-17, Michael-14, and Victoria (Tori)-4)

Response:

>This is a on going thing. My wife doesn`t set limits in her mind. >She lets the child direct the action. If the child doesn`t want to go >to bed, she crys and my wife lets her go. She feels like she`s >punishing her.

I don’t have much experience, only haveing one, but I don’t think this is the right approach. Kids need to know that there are limits, and that there are things they are expected to do or not do. Giving in every time is not doing the kid a favor. Further on you say: >My child has very few outbursts with me alone. She only does them in >my wife’s present. Why?

Because your daughter has learned that your wife is a push-over. Kids are VERY good at playing their parents for what they want. The trick is to be firm, while not limiting the child with regards to what is important. Kyle

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