Question:
> Ditto. But rather than using e-mail, could you not *talk* with her before, > at or after one or other of the parties and *tell* her how sorry your son > has been to lose those playtimes — and ask if she has any ideas for > resurrecting more contact that would fit with your son’s need for an earlier > night and her own schedule?
I agree that email is a lot less personal in many ways than phone conversations. The several times I tried to call were consistently met with too-busy-to-talk for more than a couple minutes comments and no return calls. I had interpreted this as a lack of desire to be in contact. I happened to coincidentally send her a joke I knew she’d like via email a few weeks ago and she responded briefly. I then invited her and sons to go with us to a children’s movie which I knew her boys would enjoy a great deal. Her response was a week after the date I suggested and quite brief. Yet, she sent me a forwarding email for their current out of State vacation. The messages are mixed and confusing. But, to go back to your original suggestion, yes, if the opportunity presents itself, I will attempt to gently bring up the missed you and your family thing. Who knows, could all just be crossed wires. Or it could be that they are not certain that they really want to involve us in their lives. I just don’t know, the message remains unclear to me. -Aula
Response:
> You can’t read their minds and they can’t read yours. Communicate. > Talk to her. If you really want to plan a play date, tell her.
I have tried that. I have tried to suggest dates/times and have met with vagueness. I stopped because I felt that this indicated a lack of willingness to participate. I drew back because I did not wish to appear to be forcing DS and our family on her’s if we were not really wanted. I’m > sure she won’t mind. When you call to RSVP, let her know that you also > will be planning a party. Perhaps you two can get together and exchange > game ideas?
I will let her know about DS’ party. Her’s is a pre-planned thing costing much more than we can afford. Our’s will be an at-home low budget event. I am not certain that this is the area to start building bridges at. Perhaps play dates or exchanged child care or something similar is. We will see, depending on the first reception. -Aula
Response:
I guess maybe in part it depends how many kids are at her "fancy" birthday party. If your DS is one in 50, maybe the invite doesn’t mean much after all. –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96) and ? (EDD 4/15/01)
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Ditto. But rather than using e-mail, could you not *talk* with her > before, > at or after one or other of the parties and *tell* her how sorry your son > has been to lose those playtimes — and ask if she has any ideas for > resurrecting more contact that would fit with your son’s need for an > earlier > night and her own schedule? > I agree that email is a lot less personal in many ways than phone > conversations. The several times I tried to call were consistently met with > too-busy-to-talk for more than a couple minutes comments and no return > calls. I had interpreted this as a lack of desire to be in contact. I > happened to coincidentally send her a joke I knew she’d like via email a few > weeks ago and she responded briefly. I then invited her and sons to go > with us to a children’s movie which I knew her boys would enjoy a great > deal. Her response was a week after the date I suggested and quite brief. > Yet, she sent me a forwarding email for their current out of State vacation. > The messages are mixed and confusing. > But, to go back to your original suggestion, yes, if the opportunity > presents itself, I will attempt to gently bring up the missed you and your > family thing. Who knows, could all just be crossed wires. Or it could be > that they are not certain that they really want to involve us in their > lives. I just don’t know, the message remains unclear to me. > -Aula
Response:
Ditto. But rather than using e-mail, could you not *talk* with her before, at or after one or other of the parties and *tell* her how sorry your son has been to lose those playtimes — and ask if she has any ideas for resurrecting more contact that would fit with your son’s need for an earlier night and her own schedule? –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96) and ? (EDD 4/15/01)
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> A very nice invitation was extended. Read it with a smile, think how > nice that is since the children like each other & go. It would be > only polite to reciprocate on your son’s birthday. Nothing > complicated, just neighbors being polite and thoughtful. Don’t read > more in past actions that may not exist. There may be personal > problems, sickness, or worries that are nobody’s business & that you > don’t know about or need to know about. There are bed curfews and > time constraints in every family. We should not try to dissect > another’s intentions or actions, less we be judged the same and often > incorrectly. Just act with love, kindness & be happy. > Judy > Ok folks, I could use some input here. > Since sometime in about Aug., 1998, my DS has frequently played with > two > little boys, brothers, around the corner. We would get together > often [at > least weekly] to play in the evening after their dinner, which is > later than > ours. We continued to do this for a couple months after the mother > developed cancer and started alternative treatments [which have > apparently > been successful]. Then, in late March we deleted all day time naps > and DS > needed to be in bed around 8 pm. This successfully curtailed the > weeknight > visitations, unfortunately. I tried several times since to get the > boys > together, but met absolutely no success. Attempts to draw the mom > in via > email [chatty, hi how are you, no requests for anything other than a > joint > venture to a movie] resulted in two responses but no invitations. > I had decided that this must be one of those situations where > somehow we had > put them off and that I should just write off the friendship and > move on, > despite DS’ regular, repeated requests to see the boys [DS and the > older boy > are turning 5]. So, what happens but we receive a birthday party > invitation in the mail for one of the boys. I am at a total loss as > to how > to regard the relationship. DS, unfortunately or otherwise, knows > of the > invitation since he brought the mail in and spotted "his" mail [and > I do not > censure his mail, just supervise it]. > The next complicating factor is that DS’ birthday is also coming. > We were > starting to plan a small party for him, including a couple of > friends and > their families. I feel reciprocation is appropriate but don’t know > how to > view things in the big picture here. Can you guys offer some pearls > of > wisdom before I RSVP on this invite, plan DS’ party more concretely, > etc.? > Thanks > -Aula
Response:
> I guess maybe in part it depends how many kids are at her "fancy" birthday > party. If your DS is one in 50, maybe the invite doesn’t mean much after > all. > –Janet > Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96) > and ? (EDD 4/15/01)
The party is in the local bowling alley, so she had to rent at least two lanes for it. Last year’s party included about 18 children and their parents and siblings and was at a local kid indoor play area. My impression is that this one will also be of that magnitude. We will know probably the honored guest, his immediate family and a couple relatives [having met them at previous parties]. -Aula
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Go with DS’s decision. If he wants to go to the party or invite the other > kid to his party – support it. I would only step in if his decision would be > dangerous. According to your post I cannot say that the other kid or mother > is – so let him decide. If you can be friends with the other mother – great. > But that is not important. What is important is – him making a decision. > If he is capable then let him plan his own party – including invitations. My > DD is planning her birthday parties since she was 2 including goody bags, > invitations, who to invite, where to have it, what entertainment and what > thank-you notes. I just pay for it and watch that she stays within budget. I > never would tell her who to invite and who to leave off her list or who’s > birthday party to attend > —
We will be doing pretty much as you recommended for planning DS’ party. We are limiting the number invited and putting various parameters on it [no Blue Angels performances over the back 40!], but we have been actively working to encourage his independent streak with the development of reasonably functional problem solving skills. It is nice to hear from parents of a similar mind. As to the parent of the other boy, that party, etc., I posted mainly because I am *not* sure how to take these recent developments. I understand the impact of the cancer diagnosis and all that that can entail, as well as the impact of the change in DS’ bed time routine [which I had discussed with the other parents when the day time nap was deleted and I realized his bed time would be around 8 pm]. The total lack of reciprocation on her part for any sort of contact other than the recent email exchange really made me chill out on making more contacts without encouragement from the other end [just think of the concurrent thread here on unwanted parental "friend"]. I have no desire to force myself or my son on others and their families. I was concerned that perhaps somehow this was their perception and they were using the bed time change as a graceful way to just shift away from interaction with us. That is why I decided to sound out the three parenting ng’s I participate in: to see if I might have missed something somewhere. So, nearly to a person responding, I see that perhaps I have been expecting perhaps more than this other mom is up to [cancer/treatment, family commitments] and that I will just wait and see. I will also reach out some more to her but, to be frank, I do expect some sort of response between the birthday parties in Sept. and say, Christmas. Friendships need maintenance, even if contact is not often. Thank you, one and all for your thoughtful input. I am certain that everyone will add other thoughts as they occur. <g> -Aula
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Go with DS’s decision. If he wants to go to the party or invite the other > kid to his party – support it. I would only step in if his decision would > be > dangerous. According to your post I cannot say that the other kid or > mother > is – so let him decide. If you can be friends with the other mother – > great. > But that is not important. What is important is – him making a decision. > If he is capable then let him plan his own party – including invitations. > My > DD is planning her birthday parties since she was 2 including goody bags, > invitations, who to invite, where to have it, what entertainment and what > thank-you notes. I just pay for it and watch that she stays within budget. > I > never would tell her who to invite and who to leave off her list or who’s > birthday party to attend > — > We will be doing pretty much as you recommended for planning DS’ party. We > are limiting the number invited and putting various parameters on it [no > Blue Angels performances over the back 40!], but we have been actively > working to encourage his independent streak with the development of > reasonably functional problem solving skills. It is nice to hear from > parents of a similar mind. > As to the parent of the other boy, that party, etc., I posted mainly because > I am *not* sure how to take these recent developments. I understand the > impact of the cancer diagnosis and all that that can entail, as well as the > impact of the change in DS’ bed time routine [which I had discussed with the > other parents when the day time nap was deleted and I realized his bed time > would be around 8 pm]. The total lack of reciprocation on her part for any > sort of contact other than the recent email exchange really made me chill > out on making more contacts without encouragement from the other end [just > think of the concurrent thread here on unwanted parental "friend"]. I have > no desire to force myself or my son on others and their families. I was > concerned that perhaps somehow this was their perception and they were using > the bed time change as a graceful way to just shift away from interaction > with us. That is why I decided to sound out the three parenting ng’s I > participate in: to see if I might have missed something somewhere. > So, nearly to a person responding, I see that perhaps I have been expecting > perhaps more than this other mom is up to [cancer/treatment, family > commitments] and that I will just wait and see. I will also reach out some > more to her but, to be frank, I do expect some sort of response between the > birthday parties in Sept. and say, Christmas. Friendships need > maintenance, even if contact is not often. > Thank you, one and all for your thoughtful input. I am certain that > everyone will add other thoughts as they occur. <g> > -Aula
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Response:
You can’t read their minds and they can’t read yours. Communicate. Talk to her. If you really want to plan a play date, tell her. I’m sure she won’t mind. When you call to RSVP, let her know that you also will be planning a party. Perhaps you two can get together and exchange game ideas? Joanna – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Ok folks, I could use some input here. > Since sometime in about Aug., 1998, my DS has frequently played with two > little boys, brothers, around the corner. We would get together often [at > least weekly] to play in the evening after their dinner, which is later than > ours. We continued to do this for a couple months after the mother > developed cancer and started alternative treatments [which have apparently > been successful]. Then, in late March we deleted all day time naps and DS > needed to be in bed around 8 pm. This successfully curtailed the weeknight > visitations, unfortunately. I tried several times since to get the boys > together, but met absolutely no success. Attempts to draw the mom in via > email [chatty, hi how are you, no requests for anything other than a joint > venture to a movie] resulted in two responses but no invitations. > I had decided that this must be one of those situations where somehow we had > put them off and that I should just write off the friendship and move on, > despite DS’ regular, repeated requests to see the boys [DS and the older boy > are turning 5]. So, what happens but we receive a birthday party > invitation in the mail for one of the boys. I am at a total loss as to how > to regard the relationship. DS, unfortunately or otherwise, knows of the > invitation since he brought the mail in and spotted "his" mail [and I do not > censure his mail, just supervise it]. > The next complicating factor is that DS’ birthday is also coming. We were > starting to plan a small party for him, including a couple of friends and > their families. I feel reciprocation is appropriate but don’t know how to > view things in the big picture here. Can you guys offer some pearls of > wisdom before I RSVP on this invite, plan DS’ party more concretely, etc.? > Thanks > -Aula
Response:
A very nice invitation was extended. Read it with a smile, think how nice that is since the children like each other & go. It would be only polite to reciprocate on your son’s birthday. Nothing complicated, just neighbors being polite and thoughtful. Don’t read more in past actions that may not exist. There may be personal problems, sickness, or worries that are nobody’s business & that you don’t know about or need to know about. There are bed curfews and time constraints in every family. We should not try to dissect another’s intentions or actions, less we be judged the same and often incorrectly. Just act with love, kindness & be happy. Judy
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Ok folks, I could use some input here. > Since sometime in about Aug., 1998, my DS has frequently played with two > little boys, brothers, around the corner. We would get together often [at > least weekly] to play in the evening after their dinner, which is later than > ours. We continued to do this for a couple months after the mother > developed cancer and started alternative treatments [which have apparently > been successful]. Then, in late March we deleted all day time naps and DS > needed to be in bed around 8 pm. This successfully curtailed the weeknight > visitations, unfortunately. I tried several times since to get the boys > together, but met absolutely no success. Attempts to draw the mom in via > email [chatty, hi how are you, no requests for anything other than a joint > venture to a movie] resulted in two responses but no invitations. > I had decided that this must be one of those situations where somehow we had > put them off and that I should just write off the friendship and move on, > despite DS’ regular, repeated requests to see the boys [DS and the older boy > are turning 5]. So, what happens but we receive a birthday party > invitation in the mail for one of the boys. I am at a total loss as to how > to regard the relationship. DS, unfortunately or otherwise, knows of the > invitation since he brought the mail in and spotted "his" mail [and I do not > censure his mail, just supervise it]. > The next complicating factor is that DS’ birthday is also coming. We were > starting to plan a small party for him, including a couple of friends and > their families. I feel reciprocation is appropriate but don’t know how to > view things in the big picture here. Can you guys offer some pearls of > wisdom before I RSVP on this invite, plan DS’ party more concretely, etc.? > Thanks > -Aula
Response:
I think that if your DS was invited to the party, the mother does want to continue the friendship. Possibly she has less time on her hands than you think she does, and just doesn’t have the time now to deal with the more formal "play dates" that are now required. Obviously she’s had a lot on her plate lately. I say relax, and take the invite as a gesture of friendship. Invite her son to your DS’s birthday if that’s something he wants. I know how it goes. My daughter has a friend that lives 3 streets away. The other mother is a SAHM, and I am not. I’d love for the girls to spend more time together, but lately it seems like we run errands and visit relatives and fulfill social obligations all weekend (seeing all the grandparents takes most of it sometimes!), and there just isn’t a 3hr block of time to invite the other little girl over. She has asked for my daughter to come over sometimes, but my DD is in camp this summer, and is not really free during the day. It doesn’t mean I don’t want the friendship to continue though. Hope this helps some.. >Since sometime in about Aug., 1998, my DS has frequently played with two – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->little boys, brothers, around the corner. We would get together often [at >least weekly] to play in the evening after their dinner, which is later than >ours. We continued to do this for a couple months after the mother >developed cancer and started alternative treatments [which have apparently >been successful]. Then, in late March we deleted all day time naps and DS >needed to be in bed around 8 pm. This successfully curtailed the weeknight >visitations, unfortunately. I tried several times since to get the boys >together, but met absolutely no success. Attempts to draw the mom in via >email [chatty, hi how are you, no requests for anything other than a joint >venture to a movie] resulted in two responses but no invitations. >I had decided that this must be one of those situations where somehow we had >put them off and that I should just write off the friendship and move on, >despite DS’ regular, repeated requests to see the boys [DS and the older boy >are turning 5]. So, what happens but we receive a birthday party >invitation in the mail for one of the boys. I am at a total loss as to how >to regard the relationship. DS, unfortunately or otherwise, knows of the >invitation since he brought the mail in and spotted "his" mail [and I do not >censure his mail, just supervise it]. >The next complicating factor is that DS’ birthday is also coming. We were >starting to plan a small party for him, including a couple of friends and >their families. I feel reciprocation is appropriate but don’t know how to >view things in the big picture here. Can you guys offer some pearls of >wisdom before I RSVP on this invite, plan DS’ party more concretely, etc.? >Thanks >-Aula
- Blanche
Response:
Ok folks, I could use some input here. Since sometime in about Aug., 1998, my DS has frequently played with two little boys, brothers, around the corner. We would get together often [at least weekly] to play in the evening after their dinner, which is later than ours. We continued to do this for a couple months after the mother developed cancer and started alternative treatments [which have apparently been successful]. Then, in late March we deleted all day time naps and DS needed to be in bed around 8 pm. This successfully curtailed the weeknight visitations, unfortunately. I tried several times since to get the boys together, but met absolutely no success. Attempts to draw the mom in via email [chatty, hi how are you, no requests for anything other than a joint venture to a movie] resulted in two responses but no invitations. I had decided that this must be one of those situations where somehow we had put them off and that I should just write off the friendship and move on, despite DS’ regular, repeated requests to see the boys [DS and the older boy are turning 5]. So, what happens but we receive a birthday party invitation in the mail for one of the boys. I am at a total loss as to how to regard the relationship. DS, unfortunately or otherwise, knows of the invitation since he brought the mail in and spotted "his" mail [and I do not censure his mail, just supervise it]. The next complicating factor is that DS’ birthday is also coming. We were starting to plan a small party for him, including a couple of friends and their families. I feel reciprocation is appropriate but don’t know how to view things in the big picture here. Can you guys offer some pearls of wisdom before I RSVP on this invite, plan DS’ party more concretely, etc.? Thanks -Aula
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Ok folks, I could use some input here. > Since sometime in about Aug., 1998, my DS has frequently played with two > little boys, brothers, around the corner. We would get together often [at > least weekly] to play in the evening after their dinner, which is later than > ours. We continued to do this for a couple months after the mother > developed cancer and started alternative treatments [which have apparently > been successful]. Then, in late March we deleted all day time naps and DS > needed to be in bed around 8 pm. This successfully curtailed the weeknight > visitations, unfortunately. I tried several times since to get the boys > together, but met absolutely no success. Attempts to draw the mom in via > email [chatty, hi how are you, no requests for anything other than a joint > venture to a movie] resulted in two responses but no invitations. > I had decided that this must be one of those situations where somehow we had > put them off and that I should just write off the friendship and move on, > despite DS’ regular, repeated requests to see the boys [DS and the older boy > are turning 5]. So, what happens but we receive a birthday party > invitation in the mail for one of the boys. I am at a total loss as to how > to regard the relationship. DS, unfortunately or otherwise, knows of the > invitation since he brought the mail in and spotted "his" mail [and I do not > censure his mail, just supervise it]. > The next complicating factor is that DS’ birthday is also coming. We were > starting to plan a small party for him, including a couple of friends and > their families. I feel reciprocation is appropriate but don’t know how to > view things in the big picture here. Can you guys offer some pearls of > wisdom before I RSVP on this invite, plan DS’ party more concretely, etc.? > Thanks > -Aula
Go with DS’s decision. If he wants to go to the party or invite the other kid to his party – support it. I would only step in if his decision would be dangerous. According to your post I cannot say that the other kid or mother is – so let him decide. If you can be friends with the other mother – great. But that is not important. What is important is – him making a decision. If he is capable then let him plan his own party – including invitations. My DD is planning her birthday parties since she was 2 including goody bags, invitations, who to invite, where to have it, what entertainment and what thank-you notes. I just pay for it and watch that she stays within budget. I never would tell her who to invite and who to leave off her list or who’s birthday party to attend — Free Spirit Founding Father of the Church of Personal Freedom First Knight of the Knights of Personal Freedom. Posted Via Uncensored-News.Com – Still Only $9.95 – http://www.uncensored-news.com With Servers In California, Texas And Virginia – The Worlds Uncensored News Source
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