Question:
One thing I know- discipline has to be something that both parents agree to—if your dh does not back you up you have a hard road ahead of you. talk to him- ask him if he can "back off" if you ‘ve imposed a punishment or a time out…just tell him to leave the room if he can’t handle it. I worry that DH will be the softy and I am slowly but surely preparing him for different scenarios that could come up– I just hope we make it through! — Connie Proud mommy to Julianna Nicole aka "cutie pie"…12/10/99 http://pages.ivillage.com/pp/conniesbelly/babypage.html
Hi My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is ours; the other two (ages 6 and 
are from a previous relationship. After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, it will take time and patience. But, I feel frustrated and impatient. My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is meaningless. Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. Thanks
Response:
> You’re "SORRY YOU TOOK SO LONG"????? are you kidding. This is the single > most important issue of your life to date, and you’re apologizing to a bunch > of strangers for taking up too time. > Sadly, this sort of lack of self confidence is also TOO common for step > moms. Step mom often ends up with the family tromping all over her.
Elaine, you can’t make a judgement about this woman’s character by one sentence that she posted in a newsgroup! And I don’t see where "Sorry this took so long" displays a lack of confidence. It just isn’t fair to say things like this to someone who is just seeking advice on a particular family situation…she isn’t looking for insults on her character.
Response:
At this point, your problem is not with the kids, but with their father. You need to get on the same page about what is expected. Get some counseling together and make up a list of house rules that you both agree are important and that you can both support. There is no way you can enforce boundaries without his help. And I agree with the poster who said that you need to go away for a few weeks and let him be the parent in charge, I’ll bet he has never had day in-day our responsibility for the kids.
Response:
Melissa, Here is an organization that might be able to help you. The call is free. Call them. For a free information packet on building stepfamilies and referral to stepparenting resources in your area, you can call or write the Stepfamily Association of America, 650 J Street, Suite 205, Lincoln, NE 68508, 1-800-735-0329.
Response:
>Many women in this culture freak out far too often for their own good, >and the younger the more they tend to be this way, with men always >cynically avoiding them and leading secret lives elsewhere they have no >idea about.
There is much in this statement that is actually very right-on. > Only women who have learned about real life are worth >marrying, the rest of them will be like maids in their own homes,
LOTS of step mommies will be little more than maids in their own house. One has to wonder about someone who would marry a man who already proved to be a failure at married life. A woman couldn’t have much in the way of self respect if they didn’t think they deserved a man who had never been previously married. >because someone will "hire" them to take care of his kids, and in the >car alone with the kids the father will tell the kids to ignore her
You kidding? This man told the kids to ignore her right in front of her. It’s very hard for step-moms to win. If they say nothing, or don’t enforce their wills, they get tromped all over. If they stand up for themselves, and get the kids organized, they’re called a "wicked step-mother". No wonder step-mothers get wicked. >stupidity and just keep their real life a secret from her, because she >will never understand anything real.
Busting butt to raise someone else’s children is rather stupid.
Response:
So does this apply to re-married widows/widowers, Elaine? Sarah
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Many women in this culture freak out far too often for their own good, >and the younger the more they tend to be this way, with men always >cynically avoiding them and leading secret lives elsewhere they have no >idea about. > There is much in this statement that is actually very right-on. > Only women who have learned about real life are worth >marrying, the rest of them will be like maids in their own homes, > LOTS of step mommies will be little more than maids in their own house. One > has to wonder about someone who would marry a man who already proved to be a > failure at married life. > A woman couldn’t have much in the way of self respect if they didn’t think > they deserved a man who had never been previously married. >because someone will "hire" them to take care of his kids, and in the >car alone with the kids the father will tell the kids to ignore her > You kidding? This man told the kids to ignore her right in front of her. > It’s very hard for step-moms to win. If they say nothing, or don’t enforce > their wills, they get tromped all over. > If they stand up for themselves, and get the kids organized, they’re called > a "wicked step-mother". No wonder step-mothers get wicked. >stupidity and just keep their real life a secret from her, because she >will never understand anything real. > Busting butt to raise someone else’s children is rather stupid.
Response:
alt.parenting.solutions,"Charlene Ranger" >Elaine, you can’t make a judgement about this woman’s character by one >sentence that she posted in a newsgroup!
Sure she can! She does it all of the time. Glen "New in these parts, stranger?" Appleby — Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job. It is your job to find ways around your boss’s roadblocks.
Response:
>So does this apply to re-married widows/widowers, Elaine?
Studies and common sense indicate that a widowed person would not necessarily be a dud at marriage. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Sarah > >Many women in this culture freak out far too often for their own good, > >and the younger the more they tend to be this way, with men always > >cynically avoiding them and leading secret lives elsewhere they have no > >idea about. > There is much in this statement that is actually very right-on. > > Only women who have learned about real life are worth > >marrying, the rest of them will be like maids in their own homes, > LOTS of step mommies will be little more than maids in their own house. >One > has to wonder about someone who would marry a man who already proved to be >a > failure at married life. > A woman couldn’t have much in the way of self respect if they didn’t think > they deserved a man who had never been previously married. > >because someone will "hire" them to take care of his kids, and in the > >car alone with the kids the father will tell the kids to ignore her > You kidding? This man told the kids to ignore her right in front of her. > It’s very hard for step-moms to win. If they say nothing, or don’t enforce > their wills, they get tromped all over. > If they stand up for themselves, and get the kids organized, they’re >called > a "wicked step-mother". No wonder step-mothers get wicked. > >stupidity and just keep their real life a secret from her, because she > >will never understand anything real. > Busting butt to raise someone else’s children is rather stupid.
Response:
>alt.parenting.solutions,"Charlene Ranger" >Elaine, you can’t make a judgement about this woman’s character by one >sentence that she posted in a newsgroup! >Sure she can! She does it all of the time.
As could anyone with a lick of sense who has read a couple hundred people’s accounts of step parenting. As a step parent, it’s not surprising that Charlene wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with this reading. I am not saying that ALL step mothers get tromped on. It’s just real common. But hey! Don’t go by my word. Go ask on the right newsgroup. Step parenting comes with it’s own separate set of probems in addition to the usual bio-family problems. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Glen "New in these parts, stranger?" Appleby >– >Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job. >It is your job to find ways around your boss’s roadblocks.
Response:
Melissa…try alt.support.step parents….it seems as thought there might be other issues here…it is only; the beginning for you….I am a step parent also and it is like eating broken glass everyday …good luck —
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi > My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three > years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is > ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. > After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for > his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially > stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. > When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do > almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my > husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents > to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, > it will take time and patience. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless. > Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
Response:
> >Many women in this culture freak out far too often for their own good, >and the younger the more they tend to be this way, with men always >cynically avoiding them and leading secret lives elsewhere they have no >idea about. > There is much in this statement that is actually very right-on.
But in my experience…there is also a lot that is not > Only women who have learned about real life are worth >marrying, the rest of them will be like maids in their own homes,
LOL…I must be really worth marrying….the ‘last’ thing I have ever been was a maid in my home > LOTS of step mommies will be little more than maids in their own house. One > has to wonder about someone who would marry a man who already proved to be a > failure at married life.
Because people grow..and learn…and change…if they allow it, if they can look at themselves honestly and understand that today is a direct consequence of things they did yesterday. I am hardly the person I was at 18 (thank God!) Actually…I’m the one who left both my marraiges. At 18 I thought I could be June Cleaver….by now I’ve realized I don’t want to be June Cleaver…ironic that by the time I understood what marraige really was..and how to make it work…I have no interest whatsoever in being married. > A woman couldn’t have much in the way of self respect if they didn’t think > they deserved a man who had never been previously married.
OH cripes!!! And what…praytell does his previous mistakes have to do with the current moment? I can think of a ‘lot’ worse things that would make a man undesirable than having failed at a marraige. >because someone will "hire" them to take care of his kids, and in the >car alone with the kids the father will tell the kids to ignore her > You kidding? This man told the kids to ignore her right in front of her. > It’s very hard for step-moms to win. If they say nothing, or don’t enforce > their wills, they get tromped all over. > If they stand up for themselves, and get the kids organized, they’re called > a "wicked step-mother". No wonder step-mothers get wicked.
My mom was one of those ‘wicked step-mothers’….and my two half -sisters are grateful to have had her. Course…if they had had a bio mom who was even slightly more humane or sane…the difference between my mom and their mom wouldn’t have been so marked. >stupidity and just keep their real life a secret from her, because she >will never understand anything real. > Busting butt to raise someone else’s children is rather stupid.
I have to completely disagree. Granted..this woman has a husband who is ‘not’ being a father…IMO. A father does not turn the care of his children over to his new wife…then tie her hands behind her back. He either keeps them most definately step-relatives and raises his own children himself…or..he allows her to parent equally with him. (If I were this woman..I would definately be looking at that as an indicator of his parenting straight across the board) As for raising kids not your own…some people can do it..some just can’t. Those that can seem to have the attitude that it doesn’t matter ‘how’ you get them. The reward in raising a child does not come on a genetic level..it is found in the relationship you end up with between you and that child. I would even go so far as to say that in some cases it can be all the more richer because of the obstacles blended families have to deal with. — Maureen Single Mom to Sarah 13, Michael 11, Matthew 7, Rebecca 5 and Adam 3 — Every morning I get miles of smiles — Full time student/Small Business owner http://www.pacificbytes.com/SS/
Response:
> > the two of you need to get some family counseling about how to set some > reasonable boundaries for the kids > I just hate it when people think the answer for every single thing that goes > on in someone’s life is counseling. Please!!! > AJPDLA
Her husband ignores her and undermines her authority with HIS kids — she has been unsuccessful in getting him to work with her. What would YOUR brillliant idea be? Sounds like it is either leave the jerk or get some family counseling, since obviously she is in an untenable position and hasn’t been able to get him to cooperate on her own. And YOUR advice would be?
Response:
Don’t sweat it. This "elmo" is a lowbrow. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > the two of you need to get some family counseling about how to set some > > reasonable boundaries for the kids > I just hate it when people think the answer for every single thing that goes > on in someone’s life is counseling. Please!!! > AJPDLA >Her husband ignores her and undermines her authority with HIS kids — she >has been unsuccessful in getting him to work with her. What would YOUR >brillliant idea be? Sounds like it is either leave the jerk or get some >family counseling, since obviously she is in an untenable position and >hasn’t been able to get him to cooperate on her own. And YOUR advice >would be?
Response:
>> There is much in this statement that is actually very right-on. >But in my experience…there is also a lot that is not
Well, Geeze, Maureen- That’s why I cut out the parts that were off center and poorly thought out.
Response:
>Melissa…try alt.support.step parents….it seems as thought there might be >other issues here…it is only; the beginning for you….I am a step parent >also and it is like eating broken glass everyday …good luck
Yeow. That’s telling them. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi > My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three > years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is > ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. > After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for > his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially > stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. > When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do > almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my > husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents > to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, > it will take time and patience. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless. > Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
Response:
>Classic, whether in an original or a step-family. The father always has >to defend freedeom to the mother. Given only mothers in the world we >would all be slaves who aren’t even allowed to think.
Oh, get off it. As long as you are in gross generalization mode: given only fathers in the world, everyone’s concept of freedom would consist of taking your own pleasure at someone else’s expense. What freedom? The people who have routinely abridged my right to move freely in public are men, many of whom are a menace seemily for the sheer fun of it. And you all look alike, btw….. And men are plenty good at playing mind games of their own, designed to instill fear and loss of confidence. Enough already. Lynne * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Melissa; I feel for you, and I know what a hard situation you are in. I have three kids and one on the way, a ten (almost 11) yr old stepdaughter who lives with us fulltime, a six (almost seven!) yr old daughter from my previous marriage, and a 13 mo old boy. (ours) I post on here quite frequently about problems that I have at times with my kids, especially my SD, who has a whole lot of built up anger that she keeps inside herself for various reasons (long story, short version: mom abandoned her at age 4 to lead a life of prostitution and drugs in another city, didn’t talk to her for two years, and now wants back in her life) If there is anything that I consider myself to be very fortunate in though is that DH and I agree on our parenting styles and neither of us would ever contradict the other in front of the kids on discipline. We don’t always agree, and sometimes fights will break out over our disagreements, but it is SO important not to talk about it in front of the kids. I think the two of you, and maybe later on the kids also, should definitely get counselling. Don’t wait…the sooner this problem is handled the better. It is never easy raising someone else’s kids as your own. It’s a huge responsibility raising kids period, but IMO, SO much more complicated with stepkids. They are just dealing with so much stuff themselves with their parents splitting up, and throwing in this new woman who tells them what to do, and acts like their mother (!) can be traumatic for them. Plus sometimes bio-mom gets involved and tells them things behind your back, which confuses them even more. (this is something I have to deal with quite a lot) Your husband HAS to be more supportive if your family is going to stay together. This is one thing that I learned in counselling: In step families, atleast for the first year or two, the biological parent should always be the one to do the major disciplining, not the step parent. The odds are already stacked against you, and you don’t want to cause any further resentment if there is any. A good book that I have, which was also recommended to me, is "Loving each one Best" by Nancy Samalin. It deals with behavioural issues between siblings; rivalry, fighting, etc. You would probably get a lot out of it. Anyway, good luck and keep us posted as to how things are going. Charlene
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi > My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three > years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is > ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. > After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for > his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially > stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. > When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do > almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my > husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents > to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, > it will take time and patience. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless. > Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
Response:
Vist the alt.step-parent newsgroups. It’s AMAZING how many times these very issues are repeated. But, I feel frustrated and impatient. My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. YES! Make some friends on the step-parent newsgroup, and you will hear that again and again. Kids’ father so often fails to back up step mom. Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded them Ok, that’s the right thing to do. > my husband un-punished them and said it was ok.
Well, it’s NOT ok. It’s nothing like ok. Tell your husband to go into immediate counselling with you, and that he HAS to be supportive of your decisions. If he won’t do it, get out now. This made me furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is meaningless. Well sorry this posting took so long You’re "SORRY YOU TOOK SO LONG"????? are you kidding. This is the single most important issue of your life to date, and you’re apologizing to a bunch of strangers for taking up too time. Sadly, this sort of lack of self confidence is also TOO common for step moms. Step mom often ends up with the family tromping all over her. , but I needed to get some steam out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. Thanks
Response:
It’s obvious what happened to this man’s last wife. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi > My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three > years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is > ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. > After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for > his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially > stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. > When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do > almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my > husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents > to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, > it will take time and patience. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. >you are in a totally impossible situation without his engagement — the >two of you need to get some family counseling about how to set some >reasonable boundaries for the kids — without this, you will be a >punching bag for a few years and probably end up divorced by the time >these kids are teens. You cannot possibly raise these kids properly as a >stepmom with dad not in support of your efforts. It will drive you nuts >and you won’t be effective. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times >any parent or stepparent who uses the phrase ‘I’ve told them over and >over’ has already lost it here. You have to follow through. Period. Kids >cannot be managed by jawboning them — and in your situation your husband >has to be willing to support this. These kids are not too old yet to turn >this around, but in a year of two the older will be. Please get some help >– alone first if you have to — >to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless. >WOW — any chance you could get outta dodge and leave him with the kids >for a month or so? Seriously this marriage is doomed if you can’t get >this idiot >engaged in thinking about how to work together as a family and to provide >a consistent environment for the kids. Good luck. > Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
Response:
> the two of you need to get some family counseling about how to set some > reasonable boundaries for the kids
I just hate it when people think the answer for every single thing that goes on in someone’s life is counseling. Please!!! AJPDLA
Response:
> Elaine, you can’t make a judgement about this woman’s character by one > sentence that she posted in a newsgroup!
Sure she can!!!! Didn’t you know that Elaine was omniscient? She’s everywhere – she’s all knowing. Nothing gets by her. AJPDLA
Response:
> Vist the alt.step-parent newsgroups. It’s AMAZING how many times these very > issues are repeated. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. > YES! Make some friends on the step-parent newsgroup, and you will hear that > again and again. Kids’ father so often fails to back up step mom.
This happens a lot in original families too, here’s why: Mothers are girls, who are often raised with legalistic overbearing strictures on their behavior to control them. They have a naive shame-based rule-based attitude about life and they nervously try to enforce this false civility onto the males in their lives, and because of this they often get their little asses divorced when grown-ups won’t abide their scolding, hall-monitor prigishness, antisexuality, anti-assertiveness, opposition to rough play, and their emotional power games. Many women in this culture freak out far too often for their own good, and the younger the more they tend to be this way, with men always cynically avoiding them and leading secret lives elsewhere they have no idea about. Only women who have learned about real life are worth marrying, the rest of them will be like maids in their own homes, because someone will "hire" them to take care of his kids, and in the car alone with the kids the father will tell the kids to ignore her stupidity and just keep their real life a secret from her, because she will never understand anything real. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other?
Yes, at a certain age they do. It is normal for kids, and boys specifically. Women don’t like it, but there you go. > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them > Ok, that’s the right thing to do. > my husband un-punished them and said it was ok.
Classic, whether in an original or a step-family. The father always has to defend freedeom to the mother. Given only mothers in the world we would all be slaves who aren’t even allowed to think. > Well, it’s NOT ok. It’s nothing like ok. Tell your husband to go into > immediate counselling with you, and that he HAS to be supportive of your > decisions. If he won’t do it, get out now.
Horseshit, she won’t find other human beings any different. Perhaps she should adapt instead. > This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless.
Oh it is, as well as ignorant. > Well sorry this posting took so long > You’re "SORRY YOU TOOK SO LONG"????? are you kidding. This is the single > most important issue of your life to date, and you’re apologizing to a bunch > of strangers for taking up too time. > Sadly, this sort of lack of self confidence is also TOO common for step > moms. Step mom often ends up with the family tromping all over her. > , but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
If she didn’t try to step on people she wouldn’t get stomped on. People who claim their family is trying to stomp on them are usually the ones trying to do the stomping while wondering why people would scream at them and hate them for it. Steve
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi > My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three > years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is > ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. > After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for > his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially > stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. > When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do > almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my > husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents > to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, > it will take time and patience. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. > you are in a totally impossible situation without his engagement — the > two of you need to get some family counseling about how to set some > reasonable boundaries for the kids — without this, you will be a > punching bag for a few years and probably end up divorced by the time > these kids are teens.
If you even last that long. Yep. I’d say you’d be better off getting in there and acting like an out-of-control six year old yourself than you would trying to get them under control. That is until you get your hubby to see the light. > You cannot possibly raise these kids properly as a > stepmom with dad not in support of your efforts. It will drive you nuts > and you won’t be effective. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times > any parent or stepparent who uses the phrase ‘I’ve told them over and > over’ has already lost it here.
But this is irrelevant until you get hubby under control… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You have to follow through. Period. Kids > cannot be managed by jawboning them — and in your situation your husband > has to be willing to support this. These kids are not too old yet to turn > this around, but in a year of two the older will be. Please get some help > — alone first if you have to — > to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless. > WOW — any chance you could get outta dodge and leave him with the kids > for a month or so? Seriously this marriage is doomed if you can’t get > this idiot > engaged in thinking about how to work together as a family and to provide > a consistent environment for the kids. Good luck. > Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
Have you seen "Overboard"? It is always possible that, rather than trying to "win over the kids" you can "win the kids over". Not by telling them anything, but by "temperance, tolerance and patient persistance". You must possess something they want, then, in order for them to have it, they must abide by your wishes. But you also have to decide how much you’re willing to go through before you whack your husband up beside the head with a 2×4 and demand a certain amount of cooperation. 
Saying "good luck" doesn’t seem to be enough, but… good luck. Jeff
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi > My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three > years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is > ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. > After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for > his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially > stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. > When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do > almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my > husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents > to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, > it will take time and patience. > But, I feel frustrated and impatient. > My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much.
you are in a totally impossible situation without his engagement — the two of you need to get some family counseling about how to set some reasonable boundaries for the kids — without this, you will be a punching bag for a few years and probably end up divorced by the time these kids are teens. You cannot possibly raise these kids properly as a stepmom with dad not in support of your efforts. It will drive you nuts and you won’t be effective. > Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older > child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over > and over many times
any parent or stepparent who uses the phrase ‘I’ve told them over and over’ has already lost it here. You have to follow through. Period. Kids cannot be managed by jawboning them — and in your situation your husband has to be willing to support this. These kids are not too old yet to turn this around, but in a year of two the older will be. Please get some help — alone first if you have to — to try to settle things differently. I know they are > just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? > After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded > them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me > furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their > behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is > meaningless.
WOW — any chance you could get outta dodge and leave him with the kids for a month or so? Seriously this marriage is doomed if you can’t get this idiot engaged in thinking about how to work together as a family and to provide a consistent environment for the kids. Good luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam > out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. > Thanks
Response:
Hi My name is Melissa. I am 23 years old and I’ve been married for three years. My husband is 31. He has 3 children. The youngest (17 months) is ours; the other two (ages 6 and are from a previous relationship. After about a year into our marriage my husband fought for custody for his children from his "ex" and won. Their mother was not financially stable enough to care for these children. This I understand. When these children lived with their mother, she allowed them to do almost anything they pleased! So know that they are living with my husband and I, they want the same treatment. I was raised by my parents to have rules, goals, and responsibility. I know with these children, it will take time and patience. But, I feel frustrated and impatient. My husband is no help to me, because he spoils these children too much. Just the other day, the 6 year old was kicking and slapping the older child. This ordeal made me very irritated because i’ve told them over and over many times to try to settle things differently. I know they are just kids, but do they have to act so violently toward each other? After I stepped in and put both children in "time out" and grounded them, my husband un-punished them and said it was ok. This made me furious. I felt that by my husband doing this just excuses their behavior. And also gives them the message that what I say is meaningless. Well sorry this posting took so long, but I needed to get some steam out. If anyone has any advice to share with me please do so. Thanks
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