Question:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >HI! >I was getting so overwhelmed trying to follow all the divorce issues, including >being a single parent etc. that I started a new message. > I think that anytime a person is involved in a shattered relationship it >hurts and has a permanent effect on all involved, but that doesn’t mean you >can’t overcome it and grow anyway. I am 40 and my parents divorced because my >dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t working and was becoming violent. Was that the >right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply hurt by it? YOU BET. >Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU BET. But do you know what? OH >WELL. That’s life.( People born with handicaps have no choice either. They >just have to learn how to deal with their lives as best as they can. I am an >adult w/a different set of things to work through and overcome.) I have made >many choices throughout my life based on my childhood, things I wouldn’t do in >a marriage, things I would do in a marriage, all based on what I saw growing >up.(I would call that a permanent effect, wouldn’t you?) Even down to things I >looked for in a mate.I determined the things I would or wouldn’t do in raising >children, many of which I followed through with when I began to raise kids. I >have been married 17 years, and going strong. My parent’s divorce was only the >culmanation (sp?) of a not so good marriage, even before the drinking. So >while I think my mother made the best choice she could, I also get frustrated >at people getting bogged down with the issue of "do you stay in an abusive >marriage (actually most of them are either physically or verbally abusive if >you are talking divorce anyway, right?) for the sake of the kids. Once the >divorce is final, it’s done, and you can only focus on being an adult, a >provider for your family, a parent committed to raising your children as best >as you can. And if you see areas you fall short, start there. I have some, most >of us do. I see in my kids mirrors of what I did right, what I did wrong, >combined with who they are just in and of themselves. I agonize over the junk >they picked up from me and just dig in and try harder. Well, I’ll close, cuz >no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H.
Hi, I read the long ones! and I appreiciate your good attitude and ability to put life in perspective – It is the lack of that ability that keeps people in angry, self dsetructive cycles. Trisha
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thanks, I have always felt this way, too. I have one point and it’s >slightly different….when growing up, I had several friends whose >parents divorced and I heard lots of complaints and whining from them. >I realize that divorce affects a child greatly, in most cases….but I >really got tired of constantly hearing about all of the problems these >friends felt they had. I was in a different situation….my mother got >cancer when I was 7 and after a long, painful, tormented 2.5 years, she >died. I was only 9 and had just gone through hell. >At this point in time, there were no community support groups for >children whose parent died, yet there were all sorts of groups, clubs, >activities for those who were experiencing a divorce. Sure, there >probably are more support systems now for a child like me, but the >focus of many concerned agencies still seems to be on the child of >divorce. >At times, I was bitter…..I admit it….who wouldn’t be? I wanted to >shout at my friends….."Hey, alright…..your family isn’t >together….it’s not perfect…..but at least you still have both of >your parents!!!" I had compassion and felt sympathy for them because >divorce isn’t what they wanted to happen, but in most cases, they had >two parents who loved them….and I only had one. I finally stopped >hanging out with children of divorce because it was too painful to >watch….how they played games, manipulated the arrangements to their >benefit….how they played one parent off the other in order to get >material things. It was really hard for me to watch. I learned to >cope with my situation when I wasn’t so resentful and I became a >healthy, confident, young person. >Now, as an adult, I still have compassion and have a better >understanding of what those children go through…..but it hurts once >in a while when I hear people complain about their parents. I have a 6 >year old daughter and I’d give anything if she could have known my >mom!! My daughter only has one grandparent…my dad, who is 78, has >had heart surgery and cancer. My husband’s dad died when he was 14 and >his mother died the week before our daughter was conceived. I guess I >wonder why some people can’t see how lucky they are and that if they >and their parents worked out some of these petty differences, they’d >all be happier. >I am not trying to dismiss real problems….there are usually many, >when dealing with a divorce situation….but I think that if you work >out some of the small issues it may make the larger issues clearer. My >point???? Divorce is a bump in the road of life….it can be as big as >you let it….but it is just one of many bumps and if you accept it, >work on it, and get over it….it won’t keep eating at you. >Sorry, if I rambled on….today is the 36th anniversary of my mom’s >death…I still miss her and hope all of you give your mom an extra >hug, today.
You poor thing. I know exactly what you mean, my mom died 2 years after my dad left of a horrible cancer. It’s awful isn’t it? I still miss her, and she’s been gone 25 years. I even understand your anger at your friends who complained about their situations w/divorced parents. But in a way I guess it’s all relative. My daughter complains when she has to drive my mini-van (SERIOUSLY) she wants a smaller cooler car. She doesn’t understand that I felt lucky when my first car had doors painted the same color as the rest of the car!! LOL . To her it’s a big deal. I will not buy her a new car (and all our neighbors have done just that for their 16 yr olds, TRUTH) She will have to borrow one of the family cars when she wants to go somewhere, and count herself lucky. —– See who else can ramble???? Take care, God bless, Laura
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Well, I’ll close, cuz no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. >Laura H. >Length doesn’t matter if you’re making your point, although I’ll admit I >NEVER >read them if the first screen full is all quoted stuff with no new ideas. >I like your point about getting on with it and being the best person you can >be. My parents divorced when I was 12. We all just went on doing the best >we >could. >Nobody plans to get divorced. Nobody would go through it if it wasn’t >essential to their well-being, so what’s the point of stewing over it? Move >ahead. >- Ron Low
Thanks, and well said Ron. I don’t think all the divorces were done out of best interest to the children, and many have been so selfish on both parties parts, that they get nasty and the kids really do get trampled on. I wasn’t a victim of this type of divorce. My dad just left when my mom told him to, and we didn’t hear from him but once or twice after that — for years. Now we have a good relationship (although now he has dementia caused by his alcoholism, not Alzheimers) but he was sober for years, and I got to know him. Sad life, tho’ and of course it affected me. i just didn’t let it stop me in my tracks.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Well, I’ll close, cuz no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. >Laura H. >Length doesn’t matter if you’re making your point, although I’ll admit >I NEVER >read them if the first screen full is all quoted stuff with no new >ideas. >I like your point about getting on with it and being the best person >you can >be. My parents divorced when I was 12. We all just went on doing the >best we >could. >Nobody plans to get divorced. Nobody would go through it if it wasn’t >essential to their well-being, so what’s the point of stewing over it? >Move >ahead.
Thanks, I have always felt this way, too. I have one point and it’s slightly different….when growing up, I had several friends whose parents divorced and I heard lots of complaints and whining from them. I realize that divorce affects a child greatly, in most cases….but I really got tired of constantly hearing about all of the problems these friends felt they had. I was in a different situation….my mother got cancer when I was 7 and after a long, painful, tormented 2.5 years, she died. I was only 9 and had just gone through hell. At this point in time, there were no community support groups for children whose parent died, yet there were all sorts of groups, clubs, activities for those who were experiencing a divorce. Sure, there probably are more support systems now for a child like me, but the focus of many concerned agencies still seems to be on the child of divorce. At times, I was bitter…..I admit it….who wouldn’t be? I wanted to shout at my friends….."Hey, alright…..your family isn’t together….it’s not perfect…..but at least you still have both of your parents!!!" I had compassion and felt sympathy for them because divorce isn’t what they wanted to happen, but in most cases, they had two parents who loved them….and I only had one. I finally stopped hanging out with children of divorce because it was too painful to watch….how they played games, manipulated the arrangements to their benefit….how they played one parent off the other in order to get material things. It was really hard for me to watch. I learned to cope with my situation when I wasn’t so resentful and I became a healthy, confident, young person. Now, as an adult, I still have compassion and have a better understanding of what those children go through…..but it hurts once in a while when I hear people complain about their parents. I have a 6 year old daughter and I’d give anything if she could have known my mom!! My daughter only has one grandparent…my dad, who is 78, has had heart surgery and cancer. My husband’s dad died when he was 14 and his mother died the week before our daughter was conceived. I guess I wonder why some people can’t see how lucky they are and that if they and their parents worked out some of these petty differences, they’d all be happier. I am not trying to dismiss real problems….there are usually many, when dealing with a divorce situation….but I think that if you work out some of the small issues it may make the larger issues clearer. My point???? Divorce is a bump in the road of life….it can be as big as you let it….but it is just one of many bumps and if you accept it, work on it, and get over it….it won’t keep eating at you. Sorry, if I rambled on….today is the 36th anniversary of my mom’s death…I still miss her and hope all of you give your mom an extra hug, today. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Ron Low
Response:
>Well, I’ll close, cuz no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. >Laura H.
Length doesn’t matter if you’re making your point, although I’ll admit I NEVER read them if the first screen full is all quoted stuff with no new ideas. I like your point about getting on with it and being the best person you can be. My parents divorced when I was 12. We all just went on doing the best we could. Nobody plans to get divorced. Nobody would go through it if it wasn’t essential to their well-being, so what’s the point of stewing over it? Move ahead. – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity. non-commercial e-mail always welcome
Response:
I haven’t been keeping up with these divorce postings, so please forgive me if I am repeating, or if I am way off topic. My parents divorced when I was 2 (I’m 28 now). I was very lucky in that I don’t seem to have any real problems resulting from it. My husband calls me the most well-adjusted child of divorce. we have many friends that have gone through hell because of divorce, and as adults still are. Anyway, now that I am married I can see how messy divorce can become especially when kids are involved. We have been married almost 7 years, and some days boy I’d like to leave, but the kids add a complication. We are by no means unhappy, but when we have a bad day (or days) the fact that we have kids forces us to have to work it out. As I said I feel ok about their divorce, but it does make me really want to keep my marriage together. I very much missed my dad (he moved out of state when I was ). It may have been easier for me because I was so young, I don’t remember my parents ever together. I think that the main reason that I am ok with all of this is because my parents were decent to eachother throughout my life. I didn’t have to hear them fight, and I was never put into the middle. They put their differences aside, and raised me together even though they were apart. I did hear on occasion little comments, but never anything major. Once I was older they would let loose on the big stuff, but by then I knew my parents well enough to know that they each had faults. I can see why now why they divorced, they never should have married. He never re-married and she is working on the end of number 3. I guess my point is ( I’m so sorry but I do babble!) that as parents we need to always remember that they may no longer be our husband/wife but it will always be our childs parent. Sure my parents really hated eachother for a while, but I never knew it. I have so much more love, respect and understanding for them because they put me first, and their differences second. That is what being a good parent is. BTW, my parent s are now actually friends. When he comes to town we all get together, and that includes my step-father. When I was 13 my mom and I went out together to visit him. Just last year my mom called him for financial advise. Life is crazy isn’t it!! Andrea – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I was getting so overwhelmed trying to follow all the divorce issues, >including >> being a single parent etc. that I started a new message. >> I think that anytime a person is involved in a shattered relationship >it >> hurts and has a permanent effect on all involved, but that doesn’t mean you >> can’t overcome it and grow anyway. I am 40 and my parents divorced because >my >> dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t working and was becoming violent. Was that >the >> right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply hurt by it? YOU BET. >> Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU BET. But do you know what? >OH >> WELL. That’s life.( People born with handicaps have no choice either. They >> just have to learn how to deal with their lives as best as they can. I am >an >> adult w/a different set of things to work through and overcome.) I have >made >> many choices throughout my life based on my childhood, things I wouldn’t do >in >> a marriage, things I would do in a marriage, all based on what I saw >growing >> up.(I would call that a permanent effect, wouldn’t you?) Even down to >things I >> looked for in a mate.I determined the things I would or wouldn’t do in >raising >> children, many of which I followed through with when I began to raise kids. >I >> have been married 17 years, and going strong. My parent’s divorce was only >the >> culmanation (sp?) of a not so good marriage, even before the drinking. So >> while I think my mother made the best choice she could, I also get >frustrated >> at people getting bogged down with the issue of "do you stay in an abusive >> marriage (actually most of them are either physically or verbally abusive >if >> you are talking divorce anyway, right?) for the sake of the kids. Once the >> divorce is final, it’s done, and you can only focus on being an adult, a >> provider for your family, a parent committed to raising your children as >best >> as you can. And if you see areas you fall short, start there. I have some, >most >> of us do. I see in my kids mirrors of what I did right, what I did wrong, >> combined with who they are just in and of themselves. I agonize over the >junk >> they picked up from me and just dig in and try harder. Well, I’ll close, >cuz >> no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H. > Laura, > I can totally relate to your feelings (your YOU BETs). I am 23. My parents > have been married for almost 30 years. They have never gotten along, and > haven’t had anything that even vaguely resembled a marriage for as long as I > can remember. My dad is an alcoholic. He just went through detox last month. > When he got out, he moved out. I have been wishing they would separate for > several years now. But now that they have, it does not ease my mind. It does > not improve the situation. I have two little step-children whom I love dearly. > I see the effects of divorce on them every day. It is traumatic, but it does > not have to ruin your life, as you said. Thanks for sharing your story. > aks
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I was getting so overwhelmed trying to follow all the divorce issues, >including > being a single parent etc. that I started a new message. > I think that anytime a person is involved in a shattered relationship >it > hurts and has a permanent effect on all involved, but that doesn’t mean you > can’t overcome it and grow anyway. I am 40 and my parents divorced because >my > dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t working and was becoming violent. Was that >the > right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply hurt by it? YOU BET. > Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU BET. But do you know what? >OH > WELL. That’s life.( People born with handicaps have no choice either. They > just have to learn how to deal with their lives as best as they can. I am >an > adult w/a different set of things to work through and overcome.) I have >made > many choices throughout my life based on my childhood, things I wouldn’t do >in > a marriage, things I would do in a marriage, all based on what I saw >growing > up.(I would call that a permanent effect, wouldn’t you?) Even down to >things I > looked for in a mate.I determined the things I would or wouldn’t do in >raising > children, many of which I followed through with when I began to raise kids. >I > have been married 17 years, and going strong. My parent’s divorce was only >the > culmanation (sp?) of a not so good marriage, even before the drinking. So > while I think my mother made the best choice she could, I also get >frustrated > at people getting bogged down with the issue of "do you stay in an abusive > marriage (actually most of them are either physically or verbally abusive >if > you are talking divorce anyway, right?) for the sake of the kids. Once the > divorce is final, it’s done, and you can only focus on being an adult, a > provider for your family, a parent committed to raising your children as >best > as you can. And if you see areas you fall short, start there. I have some, >most > of us do. I see in my kids mirrors of what I did right, what I did wrong, > combined with who they are just in and of themselves. I agonize over the >junk > they picked up from me and just dig in and try harder. Well, I’ll close, >cuz > no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H.
Laura, I can totally relate to your feelings (your YOU BETs). I am 23. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They have never gotten along, and haven’t had anything that even vaguely resembled a marriage for as long as I can remember. My dad is an alcoholic. He just went through detox last month. When he got out, he moved out. I have been wishing they would separate for several years now. But now that they have, it does not ease my mind. It does not improve the situation. I have two little step-children whom I love dearly. I see the effects of divorce on them every day. It is traumatic, but it does not have to ruin your life, as you said. Thanks for sharing your story. aks
Response:
Laura, I read the whole thing, and you make a lot of sense to me. We all live through our trials, and each of those trials shapes who we are. But at the same time, it’s only once we realize that we are responsible for our fates that we can move forward as adults. Most people have that epiphany as young adults if they’re lucky. Others spend their whole lives not understanding it, and not getting very far. If you can’t see your own culpability in your life, you’ll never be able to change those things that are wrong! I was abused as a child, and blamed that on my problems for a long time. When I finally realized that the anger wouldn’t go away until I allowed it to, I began to succeed in ways I never imagined I would. Now I’ve been in a successful marraige for 15 years, and couldn’t be more fulfilled. I have been trying to teach my daughter that one lesson – *take responsibility for you own actions* – as she matures because I know it will help her to grow emotionally. The nice thing about the dialogue in these groups is being able to learn. Not just about parenting techniques, but by seeing ourselves reflected in how others respond to us. It has taught me something about myself many times, and helped me to grow. That’s why I stick around. :O) Laurie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > HI! > I was getting so overwhelmed trying to follow all the divorce issues, including > being a single parent etc. that I started a new message. > I think that anytime a person is involved in a shattered relationship it > hurts and has a permanent effect on all involved, but that doesn’t mean you > can’t overcome it and grow anyway. I am 40 and my parents divorced because my > dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t working and was becoming violent. Was that the > right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply hurt by it? YOU BET. > Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU BET. But do you know what? OH > WELL. That’s life.( People born with handicaps have no choice either. They > just have to learn how to deal with their lives as best as they can. I am an > adult w/a different set of things to work through and overcome.) I have made > many choices throughout my life based on my childhood, things I wouldn’t do in > a marriage, things I would do in a marriage, all based on what I saw growing > up.(I would call that a permanent effect, wouldn’t you?) Even down to things I > looked for in a mate.I determined the things I would or wouldn’t do in raising > children, many of which I followed through with when I began to raise kids. I > have been married 17 years, and going strong. My parent’s divorce was only the > culmanation (sp?) of a not so good marriage, even before the drinking. So > while I think my mother made the best choice she could, I also get frustrated > at people getting bogged down with the issue of "do you stay in an abusive > marriage (actually most of them are either physically or verbally abusive if > you are talking divorce anyway, right?) for the sake of the kids. Once the > divorce is final, it’s done, and you can only focus on being an adult, a > provider for your family, a parent committed to raising your children as best > as you can. And if you see areas you fall short, start there. I have some, most > of us do. I see in my kids mirrors of what I did right, what I did wrong, > combined with who they are just in and of themselves. I agonize over the junk > they picked up from me and just dig in and try harder. Well, I’ll close, cuz > no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >HI! >I was getting so overwhelmed trying to follow all the divorce issues, including >being a single parent etc. that I started a new message. > I think that anytime a person is involved in a shattered relationship it >hurts and has a permanent effect on all involved, but that doesn’t mean you >can’t overcome it and grow anyway. I am 40 and my parents divorced because my >dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t working and was becoming violent. Was that the >right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply hurt by it? YOU BET. >Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU BET. But do you know what? OH >WELL. That’s life.( People born with handicaps have no choice either. They >just have to learn how to deal with their lives as best as they can. I am an >adult w/a different set of things to work through and overcome.) I have made >many choices throughout my life based on my childhood, things I wouldn’t do in >a marriage, things I would do in a marriage, all based on what I saw growing >up.(I would call that a permanent effect, wouldn’t you?) Even down to things I >looked for in a mate.I determined the things I would or wouldn’t do in raising >children, many of which I followed through with when I began to raise kids. I >have been married 17 years, and going strong. My parent’s divorce was only the >culmanation (sp?) of a not so good marriage, even before the drinking. So >while I think my mother made the best choice she could, I also get frustrated >at people getting bogged down with the issue of "do you stay in an abusive >marriage (actually most of them are either physically or verbally abusive if >you are talking divorce anyway, right?) for the sake of the kids. Once the >divorce is final, it’s done, and you can only focus on being an adult, a >provider for your family, a parent committed to raising your children as best >as you can. And if you see areas you fall short, start there. I have some, most >of us do. I see in my kids mirrors of what I did right, what I did wrong, >combined with who they are just in and of themselves. I agonize over the junk >they picked up from me and just dig in and try harder. Well, I’ll close, cuz >no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H.
You are right, of course. We all just have to do the best we can with what we have. I think the people that have the hardest time trying to overcome life’s obstacles, are those who feel worthless. I read once that our biggest need, is our need to belong. We all have different ways of belonging to our family. Some kids choose to fit in by being athletes, some are scholars. Some choose to be the obedient kids, others are the more rebellious ones. Almost all other needs and behaviors are impacted by how well be fit in. So in the discussion of the many decisions that we make that have permanent effects on children, I think we should focus on doing everything we can to make the kids feel important, and to like themselves. Sometimes that’s easier by doing everything possible to make the marriage work – and other times it’s better to separate the kid from a war zone. Regards, ken
Response:
HI! I was getting so overwhelmed trying to follow all the divorce issues, including being a single parent etc. that I started a new message. I think that anytime a person is involved in a shattered relationship it hurts and has a permanent effect on all involved, but that doesn’t mean you can’t overcome it and grow anyway. I am 40 and my parents divorced because my dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t working and was becoming violent. Was that the right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply hurt by it? YOU BET. Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU BET. But do you know what? OH WELL. That’s life.( People born with handicaps have no choice either. They just have to learn how to deal with their lives as best as they can. I am an adult w/a different set of things to work through and overcome.) I have made many choices throughout my life based on my childhood, things I wouldn’t do in a marriage, things I would do in a marriage, all based on what I saw growing up.(I would call that a permanent effect, wouldn’t you?) Even down to things I looked for in a mate.I determined the things I would or wouldn’t do in raising children, many of which I followed through with when I began to raise kids. I have been married 17 years, and going strong. My parent’s divorce was only the culmanation (sp?) of a not so good marriage, even before the drinking. So while I think my mother made the best choice she could, I also get frustrated at people getting bogged down with the issue of "do you stay in an abusive marriage (actually most of them are either physically or verbally abusive if you are talking divorce anyway, right?) for the sake of the kids. Once the divorce is final, it’s done, and you can only focus on being an adult, a provider for your family, a parent committed to raising your children as best as you can. And if you see areas you fall short, start there. I have some, most of us do. I see in my kids mirrors of what I did right, what I did wrong, combined with who they are just in and of themselves. I agonize over the junk they picked up from me and just dig in and try harder. Well, I’ll close, cuz no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H.
Response:
> Well, I’ll close, cuz > no one reads the long ones anyway, lol. Laura H.
I read it Laura, and it all made sense to me. My parents had/have a great marriage (50 years this past September). My second marriage should be over in 2 weeks. > Was that the right choice for my mom to make? YOU BET. Was I deeply > hurt by it? YOU BET. Has it permanently made a mark on who I am?, YOU > BET.
But do you know what? OH WELL. That’s life.( People born with > handicaps have no choice either. They just have to learn how to deal > with their lives as best as they can.
I can relate to all the YOU BET’s. You are so right. Maggie
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