Question:
<big snip> > respect my daughter’s feelings at not wanting to play with Anna anymore. Would > you agree with me? Would you handle this differently or how have you handled > it in your own child’s life? I had thought about discouraging the entire > friendship triangle, but didn’t see the point when Lily and Katy get along so > well. > Thanks so much, > Susan
Hi Susan, I completely agree with you that Katy should be able to pick who her friends are, especially since she seems to be making good choices right now. I’d encourage my daughter to continue to be "nice" to Anna when they see each other at school or during other social events, but certainly not encourage her feel obligated to invite her over, especially if Anna isn’t nice to Katy. Some friendship triangles work out beautifully (My 14 y.o. daughter has several "triangles" that work out great), but some don’t, and she has learned through experience how to handle them. Like Sedona, I would suggest that this is a good learning experience for Katy, and while it breaks your heart, Katy is learning what a real friend is. Social life problems only get worse as the girls age (for some reason, boys don’t seem to have as many problems, at least in my kids’, and their friends’ experience) :) Anyway… about the play date… is it possible for you to either make an excuse to pick the girls up from school ("I have to run errands near school anyway"), or else make up some excuse so you could go and pick Lily up at her home a little bit after the bus drops them off… rather than have Anna be aware that Lily is coming to your home? That might help prevent some of the bad feelings/anger on Anna’s part. Isn’t parenting a lot tougher than you dreamed? I don’t remember MY parents being so concerned about my social life when I was young. :/ Good luck and keep us updated! Shelly
Response:
To avoid all this why doesn’t Lily go home to her own house and then go to your house? That way Anna doesn’t have to know. By having Lily get off at the same bus stop is like rubbing it in Anna’s fce. You know how Anna is going to react so why not just avoid the whole situation? If Anna finds out the next day and gets mad well, she is going to have to learn that she can’t control everyone and everything. Your daughter is going to run into someone like that all through school. I would not force my daughter to play with someone that she didn’t like. But I would also explain to my daughter how Anna will feel being excluded and to have Lily over without bragging about it in school or showing off in other ways that would rub it in Anna’s face. I would not discourage your daughter and Lily from playing together since they like each other. But having Lily get off at your daughter’s stop is a little inconsiderate of Anna. I would make other arrangements. Mary E.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi all. A couple of weeks ago I asked you a question about whether I was being > overprotective or not regarding my just turned 7 yo daughter playing at her > friend’s house where there is very minimal supervision and where my daughter’s > friend has been mean to her many times. I can’t thank you enough for your > supportive responses. If you can bear with me, I have another question for you > to piggyback my earlier question. First I should say that enough has happened > in the last couple of weeks between my daughter and Anna that my daughter is no > longer interested in playing with her. There is another girl named Lily who > lives in our neighborhood and is in my daughter’s class. My daughter (Katy) and > Lily are good friends and have wonderful times together. Lily and Anna play > alot together as well and rarely invite my daughter to play with them (which we > don’t really care about since Anna usually ends up fighting with Katy and > Lily). My daughter has invited Lily to come over next week to play (note that > they might play once or twice a month and that is it) and usually, Lily will > get off at my daughter’s bus stop and come home with her. Anna gets off at the > same stop and in the past, every time Lily gets off at the stop to walk home > with my daughter, Anna has called my daughter to play, knowing that Lily is > here. I have suggested to my daughter that she allow Anna to come over to play > also, but she was reduced to tears and frustration saying that Lily and Anna > don’t include her many times and she just doesn’t want to play with Anna > anymore. > Now this looks very easy here…my daughter doesn’t want to play with Anna so I > should say that Katy has plans that day and can’t play, but will play with her > another day. However, Anna is very manipulative and demanding and the last time > Lily came here to play, and Anna wasn’t invited, Anna got angry at Lily and my > daughter and yelled at both of them. A horrendous fight ensued and all three > girls ended up crying. I was thinking the best thing to do is to tell Anna (if > she even calls here) that Katy has plans that day but would she like to play > another day (we did have Anna come over to play with Katy last week and my > daughter didn’t enjoy the time very much which is why she is pretty much > finished with the relationship). If any of you can remember being on the > receiving end of such a triangle, you will remember how much it hurt. I sure do > because I went through it, also. I want to do what is fair and right and don’t > want to hurt anyone’s feelings (or at a minimum if I have to) but also want to > respect my daughter’s feelings at not wanting to play with Anna anymore. Would > you agree with me? Would you handle this differently or how have you handled > it in your own child’s life? I had thought about discouraging the entire > friendship triangle, but didn’t see the point when Lily and Katy get along so > well. > Thanks so much, > Susan
Response:
I tried to snip, but couldn’t tell when to stop! Let me summarize: Your 7 yo daughter Katy lives in the same neighborhood as Anna. Katy has a friend named Lily. Anna is also friends with Lily. Anna feels left out when she knows Lily and Katy are playing. You said a bunch of other stuff about Katy no longer wanting to be friends with Anna and it sounds like you’re trying to get ideas how to facilitate shutting out Anna. Did I get it right? Okay, here’s my advice. Katy and Anna are going to be some version of class-mates, neighbors or possibly even ill-matched friends for MANY, MANY years. They may end up in adjoining rooms in the rest home. Do NOT write off a seven year old as history! Girls’ friendships seem to thrive on drama. With my daughter there are endless conversations about who is a friend and who is a bitter enemy – and the names are interchangeable over time. I recall being annoyed with my mother for holding grudges against people I had long since forgiven. In other words, do not take it seriously when Katy says she no longer wants to be friends with a same-sex same-age neighborhood child. Let the girls work it out. If Anna calls for Katy let Katy take the phone. You’re out of it, sweetie, for ever after. Wendy, whose oldest just turned 11
Response:
Well, again, you all have set me straight. You are right, it is time to give up the torch to my seven year old and let her carry the responsibility of her friendships on her own. She is at a good age where she can learn valuable lessons from her peers.Thankfully, I feel she has a good head on her shoulders so she should be able to make decent decisions. I know it will greatly take the pressure off of me. I will make arrangements for Lily to come over after getting off the bus at her own house (great idea) next week. And I will finally not think about it anymore. Thanks again, Susan
Response:
Hi all. A couple of weeks ago I asked you a question about whether I was being overprotective or not regarding my just turned 7 yo daughter playing at her friend’s house where there is very minimal supervision and where my daughter’s friend has been mean to her many times. I can’t thank you enough for your supportive responses. If you can bear with me, I have another question for you to piggyback my earlier question. First I should say that enough has happened in the last couple of weeks between my daughter and Anna that my daughter is no longer interested in playing with her. There is another girl named Lily who lives in our neighborhood and is in my daughter’s class. My daughter (Katy) and Lily are good friends and have wonderful times together. Lily and Anna play alot together as well and rarely invite my daughter to play with them (which we don’t really care about since Anna usually ends up fighting with Katy and Lily). My daughter has invited Lily to come over next week to play (note that they might play once or twice a month and that is it) and usually, Lily will get off at my daughter’s bus stop and come home with her. Anna gets off at the same stop and in the past, every time Lily gets off at the stop to walk home with my daughter, Anna has called my daughter to play, knowing that Lily is here. I have suggested to my daughter that she allow Anna to come over to play also, but she was reduced to tears and frustration saying that Lily and Anna don’t include her many times and she just doesn’t want to play with Anna anymore. Now this looks very easy here…my daughter doesn’t want to play with Anna so I should say that Katy has plans that day and can’t play, but will play with her another day. However, Anna is very manipulative and demanding and the last time Lily came here to play, and Anna wasn’t invited, Anna got angry at Lily and my daughter and yelled at both of them. A horrendous fight ensued and all three girls ended up crying. I was thinking the best thing to do is to tell Anna (if she even calls here) that Katy has plans that day but would she like to play another day (we did have Anna come over to play with Katy last week and my daughter didn’t enjoy the time very much which is why she is pretty much finished with the relationship). If any of you can remember being on the receiving end of such a triangle, you will remember how much it hurt. I sure do because I went through it, also. I want to do what is fair and right and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (or at a minimum if I have to) but also want to respect my daughter’s feelings at not wanting to play with Anna anymore. Would you agree with me? Would you handle this differently or how have you handled it in your own child’s life? I had thought about discouraging the entire friendship triangle, but didn’t see the point when Lily and Katy get along so well. Thanks so much, Susan
Response:
Susan: I know it plays on the heart strings to have your daughter go through emotional turmoil as a result of her social life, but I really think the time has come for you to back off and let it work it out for herself. Triangle friendships rarely work. I went through it myself and so has my son. One of the three people normally end up with hurt feelings, thats just the way it goes. Hurt feelings pass and new friends show up. If I got involved everytime my son had a social life crisis, then I would have no time for anything else. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better and these smaller issues gives your daughter a great opportunity to set her own boundaries and find out the kind of friends she does and doesn’t want to have. If she doesn’t want to play with Anna, that’s her choice. If Anna and Lily end up excluding your daughter, that is their choice and you can’t *make* them change. If you daughter has run into a control freak, odds are that Lily will figure it out eventually as well. Aren’t there other girls in your neighborhood and school that she can makes friends with? I would encourage your daughter not to limit her options. Sedona Mommy to Tori (2) and Kai (10)
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi all. A couple of weeks ago I asked you a question about whether I was being > overprotective or not regarding my just turned 7 yo daughter playing at her > friend’s house where there is very minimal supervision and where my daughter’s > friend has been mean to her many times. I can’t thank you enough for your > supportive responses. If you can bear with me, I have another question for you > to piggyback my earlier question. First I should say that enough has happened > in the last couple of weeks between my daughter and Anna that my daughter is no > longer interested in playing with her. There is another girl named Lily who > lives in our neighborhood and is in my daughter’s class. My daughter (Katy) and > Lily are good friends and have wonderful times together. Lily and Anna play > alot together as well and rarely invite my daughter to play with them (which we > don’t really care about since Anna usually ends up fighting with Katy and > Lily). My daughter has invited Lily to come over next week to play (note that > they might play once or twice a month and that is it) and usually, Lily will > get off at my daughter’s bus stop and come home with her. Anna gets off at the > same stop and in the past, every time Lily gets off at the stop to walk home > with my daughter, Anna has called my daughter to play, knowing that Lily is > here. I have suggested to my daughter that she allow Anna to come over to play > also, but she was reduced to tears and frustration saying that Lily and Anna > don’t include her many times and she just doesn’t want to play with Anna > anymore. > Now this looks very easy here…my daughter doesn’t want to play with Anna so I > should say that Katy has plans that day and can’t play, but will play with her > another day. However, Anna is very manipulative and demanding and the last time > Lily came here to play, and Anna wasn’t invited, Anna got angry at Lily and my > daughter and yelled at both of them. A horrendous fight ensued and all three > girls ended up crying. I was thinking the best thing to do is to tell Anna (if > she even calls here) that Katy has plans that day but would she like to play > another day (we did have Anna come over to play with Katy last week and my > daughter didn’t enjoy the time very much which is why she is pretty much > finished with the relationship). If any of you can remember being on the > receiving end of such a triangle, you will remember how much it hurt. I sure do > because I went through it, also. I want to do what is fair and right and don’t > want to hurt anyone’s feelings (or at a minimum if I have to) but also want to > respect my daughter’s feelings at not wanting to play with Anna anymore. Would > you agree with me? Would you handle this differently or how have you handled > it in your own child’s life? I had thought about discouraging the entire > friendship triangle, but didn’t see the point when Lily and Katy get along so > well. > Thanks so much, > Susan
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.