Pure Parents

Question:

> The Ferber method worked great with my three sons and very quickly too. > It did not work with my daughter — we only tried it for 2 nights > because it was obviously making her very unhappy.  So we changed what we > were doing and instead of me putting her to bed (rocking her to sleep, > singing to her), my husband started doing it.  For him, she goes to > sleep after the singing/rocking time is over with no problem.  For me, > she never goes to sleep — I have no idea why, maybe she knows I have a > harder time being firm with her.  My husband just tells her it is time > to go to sleep now, and she lies right down and goes to sleep.  And he’s > very gentle and loving with her — never a harsh tone to his voice or > anything like that.

How old is your daughter? Susan

Response:

I highly reccomend reading the book "Solve your child’s sleep problems" by Richard Ferber.  We delt with night terrors when our son was only a few months old (and sometines we still do).  This book was a lifesaver…and now that he is older I may reread it for more info on older children.   Read it, it’s a great book for someone in your situation good luck michele

Response:

We found, when we tried it with my then 8mo, that going in to see him did fuel his crying, so we never used to stay for very long. We followed the method to the letter as it lets the baby know you are available but that you are very boring. If on just one of the visits you pick her up and nurse her, then you might as well have not tried at all. She will learn that if she persists then you will give in (yes, I do believe that babies are more switched on to this than we give them credit for  ) It IS hard, you DO feel like the worst mother in the world, but when you wake up one morning (took 4 nights for us) and realise that you haven’t had to get up for at least seven hours for the first time in years, you feel on top of the world! I had a baby that HAD to be nursed to sleep every time he woke – every 1-2 hours. I now have a very happy and well rested baby (and Mom) that sleeps ‘like a proverbial baby’  :-) Jayne – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I have a question regarding the Ferber method. We tried it a week or so ago >with my 7 month old. However, we found that whenever we went in to comfort her, >she just got more upset. It really riled her up. So, I felt like I either had >to leave her totally alone, or pick her up. Am I doing something wrong? She >just seemed madder at me when I came in to her room without picking her up. A >few times she resettled herself without a visit from us, and a few times I >ended up nursing her because she was escalating her crying after we tried to >comfort her. >I would like to try this again, as it did work with my older son, but I am not >sure how to approach it. >Megan J. >Freelance Book Editor and Mom to Daniel (2 3/4) and Michaela (6 mos)

Response:

The Ferber method worked great with my three sons and very quickly too. It did not work with my daughter — we only tried it for 2 nights because it was obviously making her very unhappy.  So we changed what we were doing and instead of me putting her to bed (rocking her to sleep, singing to her), my husband started doing it.  For him, she goes to sleep after the singing/rocking time is over with no problem.  For me, she never goes to sleep — I have no idea why, maybe she knows I have a harder time being firm with her.  My husband just tells her it is time to go to sleep now, and she lies right down and goes to sleep.  And he’s very gentle and loving with her — never a harsh tone to his voice or anything like that. Aileen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I have a question regarding the Ferber method. We tried it a week or > so ago > with my 7 month old. However, we found that whenever we went in to > comfort her, > she just got more upset. It really riled her up. So, I felt like I > either had > to leave her totally alone, or pick her up. Am I doing something > wrong? She > just seemed madder at me when I came in to her room without picking > her up.  A > few times she resettled herself without a visit from us, and a few > times I > ended up nursing her because she was escalating her crying after we > tried to > comfort her. > I would like to try this again, as it did work with my older son, but > I am not > sure how to approach it. > Megan J. > Freelance Book Editor and Mom to Daniel (2 3/4) and Michaela (6 mos)

Response:

You are not doing anything "wrong" if you feel you are following Ferber to the letter. Some children do respond that way. Ours really did. For another perspective, get the "Nighttime Parenting" book by Dr. William Sears. What we learned was there are some kids who do need more help sleeping at night and Sears helps you cope as well as alleviate any guilt you might be feeling about not using the Ferber method. Of course, try again if you feel you can be successful, but there are other ways to get your child to sleep if it doesn’t work. Elena, mom to Dana (27 mos.) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I have a question regarding the Ferber method. We tried it a week or so ago >with my 7 month old. However, we found that whenever we went in to comfort her, >she just got more upset. It really riled her up. So, I felt like I either had >to leave her totally alone, or pick her up. Am I doing something wrong? She >just seemed madder at me when I came in to her room without picking her up.  A >few times she resettled herself without a visit from us, and a few times I >ended up nursing her because she was escalating her crying after we tried to >comfort her. >I would like to try this again, as it did work with my older son, but I am not >sure how to approach it. >Megan J. >Freelance Book Editor and Mom to Daniel (2 3/4) and Michaela (6 mos)

Response:

Oh Lord, there must be a special place in heaven for the parent of a toddler!  Believe it or not, yesterday I took my 2 yo to the doctor because he was screaming.  Yup…screaming. I posted a while ago about night terrors.  We’ve solved those but now… is it dayterrors?  It’s not really a tantrum, he wakes up from his nap just screaming. Not crying, screaming. Yesterday after I had offered juice, snacks, a walk outside, a hug, a toy, a game, a dry diaper, and then put him in the car and went for a drive, I ended up at  the doc’s. He’d been screaming for an hour and a half by then, was choking on his own saliva, was hoarse, and still inconsolable (of course he finally stopped just as we walked into the clinic!*LOL*).  Doc says "just a tantrum, sorry mom but he’s just a tough kid.  It’ll pass"  HA!  Is this really normal?  Will it really pass?  And BTW, what the heck is Ferber Method… 2 years of sleepless nights and we’re exhausted beyond belief!

Response:

Two year olds are a handful.  My now 2 1/2 year old is starting to finally get out of that tantrum throwing stage.  Just in time, too, as it was driving me absolutely crazy.  I should say, however, an hour and a half tantrum sounds a bit extreme.  There may have been something else going on with him.  For example, my son was late in getting his back molars (around 2 years old) and he would scream for no apparent reason.  Turns out it was just teething. Anyway, you will no doubt spark another debate about the Ferber method.  Let me just say it worked for me when my son was 8 months old.  It took less than a week, using this method, to get my son to sleep through the night.  I do not see any residual emotional scarring (as some people in this debate will attest to), only many, many sleepfilled nights. The two’s will pass soon enough.  I hear it gets way easier, hang in there. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Oh Lord, there must be a special place in heaven for the parent of a > toddler!  Believe it or not, yesterday I took my 2 yo to the doctor because > he was screaming.  Yup…screaming. I posted a while ago about night > terrors.  We’ve solved those but now… is it dayterrors?  It’s not really a > tantrum, he wakes up from his nap just screaming. Not crying, screaming. > Yesterday after I had offered juice, snacks, a walk outside, a hug, a toy, a > game, a dry diaper, and then put him in the car and went for a drive, I > ended up at  the doc’s. He’d been screaming for an hour and a half by then, > was choking on his own saliva, was hoarse, and still inconsolable (of course > he finally stopped just as we walked into the clinic!*LOL*).  Doc says "just > a tantrum, sorry mom but he’s just a tough kid.  It’ll pass"  HA!  Is this > really normal?  Will it really pass?  And BTW, what the heck is Ferber > Method… 2 years of sleepless nights and we’re exhausted beyond belief!

Response:

At least you’ve ruled out the possible medical causes… When he wakes up, is he fussing for a while before you actually hear him and get him out of his crib or bed? If he’s escalated from being annoyed to mildly upset to raving, it’s difficult to stop, but if you hear him fussing, respond and head him off at the pass – before it escalates. I find that my daughter wakes up best to milk and a cookie. Perhaps a nice after-nap treat will distract him. Try distracting him with very soft music – so that he has to be quiet to hear it (a sesame street tape at a low volume is good for this). Tell him that Big Bird (or whatever your choice is) is singing a song – ask him if he can hear it etc etc. I find that a soft whispery voice at the beginning of a tantrum is a good distractor. They quiet down so that they can hear you then get distracted and forget that they were screaming in the first place. Depending on how verbal your child is, I would explain (after the tantrum is over) to him how concerned you are when he’s upset and how you’d like to help him but he needs to tell you what the problem is before you can do anything. Be firm and ask him to use his words. Once you’ve eliminated the need for food, drink and a clean diaper and he’s *still* screaming, the best thing that you could probably do is leave the room. Ignore his tantrum. Explain calmly that you’ve given him food, drink and a clean diaper. If there’s something wrong, you’d like to help him but he needs to use his words to help you help him. If he is unable to get it together, explain that you will have to leave the room until he stops screaming – then leave. Ferberization is something like that, getting your baby to sleep by him/herself at night. If your baby wakes in the night, you go to his bed, be comforting, pat him on the back and tell him everything’s okay but nighttime is for sleeping. You tell him that you’re going back to bed. You leave the room for five minutes. After five minutes you go back in and do the same thing and again and again gradually increasing the time that you’re out of the room. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it worked for us in 4 days. I was so relieved to be able to sleep through the night again – I can’t even express it in words. Good luck! -Alexis p.s. Yes, it will really pass, he probably won’t be a 16yo who screams for 1.5hrs at the top of his lungs. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Oh Lord, there must be a special place in heaven for the parent of a > toddler!  Believe it or not, yesterday I took my 2 yo to the doctor because > he was screaming.  Yup…screaming. I posted a while ago about night > terrors.  We’ve solved those but now… is it dayterrors?  It’s not really a > tantrum, he wakes up from his nap just screaming. Not crying, screaming. > Yesterday after I had offered juice, snacks, a walk outside, a hug, a toy, a > game, a dry diaper, and then put him in the car and went for a drive, I > ended up at  the doc’s. He’d been screaming for an hour and a half by then, > was choking on his own saliva, was hoarse, and still inconsolable (of course > he finally stopped just as we walked into the clinic!*LOL*).  Doc says "just > a tantrum, sorry mom but he’s just a tough kid.  It’ll pass"  HA!  Is this > really normal?  Will it really pass?  And BTW, what the heck is Ferber > Method… 2 years of sleepless nights and we’re exhausted beyond belief!

Response:

I have a question regarding the Ferber method. We tried it a week or so ago with my 7 month old. However, we found that whenever we went in to comfort her, she just got more upset. It really riled her up. So, I felt like I either had to leave her totally alone, or pick her up. Am I doing something wrong? She just seemed madder at me when I came in to her room without picking her up.  A few times she resettled herself without a visit from us, and a few times I ended up nursing her because she was escalating her crying after we tried to comfort her. I would like to try this again, as it did work with my older son, but I am not sure how to approach it. Megan J. Freelance Book Editor and Mom to Daniel (2 3/4) and Michaela (6 mos)

Response: