Question:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > Actually, if I knew someone who *never* questioned authority, I would > > > suspect that they had no mind. > > Again, I never said I " *never* questioned authority." > > I said "I never disrespected my elders." > Questioning someone’s authority is extreme disrespect. >I’ll have to vote against you there, Brian. My kids are encouragedto >"Question" MY authority. For example: I set a curfew, they >feel it is too early. I have no problem discussing my decision with >them. Sometimes I am being a little harsh. If they have a good >argument, I’ll compromise, and sometimes just plain give in.
Sounds great. My parents always gave me room to argue and it worked great. At some point (I was about sixteen then) I argued that a curfew did have any need: it’s my life, so I’d better get a responsibility of my own. So they let go and the first two weeks I came home at extremely late hours. That didn’t make me feel great on Sunday and Monday however and since I wanted to graduate and sport and stuff I soimply set my own limits. But the freedom is great: you take care of yourself and if once in a while it is great somewhere, you can stay until 6:00am and have fun. >On the other hand, if they just say "man – that SUCKS", >and break curfew, then they have disrespected me, along with >house rules. Sometimes we have rules which we will NOT >bend. By being open to discussion, we are able to explain >these rules in a civil manner.
The only catch in this is that the parents’ arguments and those of your kids sometimes bump: they say: I can take care of myself and the parents think: no, you can’t, but don’t say that because it shows lack of trust. However parents simply don’t trust their children, be it more because of "the world out there" then because of the kids. So you will sometimes still force something on them, because it makes you feel safer about them. It’s hard to explain, but I think it can be done. (I have no kids yet) It was just like: as soon as my mother stopped asking me to do the dishes, I voluntarily came to do them. — Ivo aka Orcrist Through Pain I Grow <Redecorating .sig list>
Response:
Question authority = disrespect? I DON’T THINK SO! You can very respectfully question authority. I question authority in one way or another every day of my life, yet I do not disrespect those deserving of respect. However you can be sure I WILL disrespect those who make it very blatant that they deserve no respect in any area. Just my 2 cents, don’t agree? TO BAD! LET THE SPARKS FLY! — ~Immortal-Dawn-Rose~ "You can question me, my motives, my methods, but not the TRUTH!" "Those who think they know it all only fool themselves." "Be careful what you wish for, You may get more then what you want." "Don’t pass me by, Take the time to look inside and see the person I call me." "Am I mistaken or is the world full of insanity and unintelligent life?" <_SNIP_> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > > > Sorry to tell you this but I think it’s called "being a teenager" > > > > > happens to most normal families. > > > > Define "normal"? > > > > Am I "abnormal" because I never disrespected my elders..even to > > > > this day? > > > Ha!!! Seek clinical therapy immediately. > > > Help is available at alt.parenting.spanking!!!! :>) > > Actually, if I knew someone who *never* questioned authority, I would > > suspect that they had no mind. > Again, I never said I " *never* questioned authority." > I said "I never disrespected my elders." > Questioning someone’s authority is extreme disrespect.
<_SNIP_>
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > > > Sorry to tell you this but I think it’s called "being a teenager" > > > > > happens to most normal families. > > > > Define "normal"? > > > > Am I "abnormal" because I never disrespected my elders..even to > > > > this day? > > > Ha!!! Seek clinical therapy immediately. > > > Help is available at alt.parenting.spanking!!!! :>) > > Actually, if I knew someone who *never* questioned authority, I would > > suspect that they had no mind. > Again, I never said I " *never* questioned authority." > I said "I never disrespected my elders." > Questioning someone’s authority is extreme disrespect. > — Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
I’ll have to vote against you there, Brian. My kids are encouragedto "Question" MY authority. For example: I set a curfew, they feel it is too early. I have no problem discussing my decision with them. Sometimes I am being a little harsh. If they have a good argument, I’ll compromise, and sometimes just plain give in. On the other hand, if they just say "man – that SUCKS", and break curfew, then they have disrespected me, along with house rules. Sometimes we have rules which we will NOT bend. By being open to discussion, we are able to explain these rules in a civil manner.
Response:
> Laura G., > I’m really surprised at some of the responses you have received. I have a > twelve year old that is acting somewhat the same as your 14 year old. He > curses, but not AT me, and I would smack his face(and have)if he did.
Good for you! For I feel that is NOT "Child abuse" if you do so. My Mother used to use Ivory Soap ("to wash our mouths out!") when we were heard to utter "filthy talk". After I learned to like the taste of soap, she switched to Tabasco sauce. <g> (Then I found a fondness for true Mexican and Seshwan foods!) Anyway.. > If you > are letting him get away with that…shame on you!
That’s what I said. > It is in his best interest > that you DEMAND his respect in some aspect, and this one is where I draw the > line! Everything else you have described is the same. Especially his progress > in school.
Here, I have a slight problem with what you just said. It’s going to be hard to "DEMAND" something like "respect’ when he never had it. I suggest she SHOW how, by GIVING mutual respect..as that is indeed a lesson that needs to learned…and taught on both sides. This is where humility can come into play. (heh heh) > Our problem is that my husband has been working out of town for over two > years. He needs an older male to identify with. He does well in the classes > that have male teachers. This boy I mentioned earlier is the oldest and > biggest boy in his grade. He is also the most feared boy in his grade, which > scares me! – Any REASONABLE suggestions on how to get him to see what is > happening are welcome.
Then I would have a talk with your Husband, to make sure that he MAKES the time to spend with HIS SON so that he doesn’t get the male influence he so desperately desires and needs from other men, other Fathers, and other people YOUR CHILD is finding on the street corners of life. Am I wrong? > As for sneaking around to have him tested for drugs, I think it would only > teach him that it’s O.K. to sneak and connive if you think it is. And I’m > sure it would do a lot of damage to whatever trust he has in you. The same > goes for blackmailing him with a video tape. How could he ever come and talk > to you about anything again if you did that???
Not at all. As a parent, it is YOUR obligation to educate your offspring and teach them about, and verify the evils of stupidity. Do NOT leave that up to any school system. That is NOT their job. If you suspect your child is on a drug of any kind, DO SOMETHING about it! Don’t just sit there with your teeth in your mouth! If you love your children, you WILL do anything to protect them…and I mean ANYTHING. Full body cavity searches, whatever! All the while, have calm, meaningful "discussions" with them. If you love them… gee.. let them know why? What a concept! > If you suspect drugs, take a look at his behavior. Has it been a sudden > drastic change, or a slow trend.
This is true. There are MANY places and people that you can turn to, to find out the best ways to learn about this. Any decent school counselor will help OR, the information is found on that Computer you are sitting in front of. Ironically, your child might tell you how to use it! > The more you have them around you, the better you will be able to tell what > kind of kids they are.
That is _very_ true! Share with your kids, your life…make it all interesting and fun, as best as you can. (Let’s get those fathers (and the mothers) that work out of town alot working also!). Spend the time they/You are obligated to do, get involved, instead of pooching the secretary! MAKE HIM(or you) take your child to an NFL game or the Barbie doll convention…I don’t care what.. Just do SOMETHING! Without anything, "they" become nothing…. blank little droids that wander the streets, begging and paying for bad/ANY information and influance, that there sucking and empty minds crave to have stuffed into that cranium they call a mind. That is what kids are! HOOVERS! They are MACHINES that suck up the dust called KNOWLDEGE. Parents are the dust bag! Let then suckle from you! (Just make sure you teach them how to spit out the hair balls from under the couch!)
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > Sorry to tell you this but I think it’s called "being a teenager" > > > happens to most normal families. > > Define "normal"? > > Am I "abnormal" because I never disrespected my elders..even to > > this day? > Ha!!! Seek clinical therapy immediately. > Help is available at alt.parenting.spanking!!!! :>) > Actually, if I knew someone who *never* questioned authority, I would > suspect that they had no mind.
Again, I never said I " *never* questioned authority." I said "I never disrespected my elders." "Comprehension problems, do we have? " –Yoda–
Response:
> > Sorry to tell you this but I think it’s called "being a teenager" > happens to most normal families. > Define "normal"? > Am I "abnormal" because I never disrespected my elders..even to > this day?
Ha!!! Seek clinical therapy immediately. Help is available at alt.parenting.spanking!!!! :>)
Response:
Laura G., I’m really surprised at some of the responses you have received. I have a twelve year old that is acting somewhat the same as your 14 year old. He curses, but not AT me, and I would smack his face(and have)if he did. If you are letting him get away with that…shame on you! It is in his best interest that you DEMAND his respect in some aspect, and this one is where I draw the line! Everything else you have described is the same. Especially his progress in school. I would NOT DARE to do some of the things suggested to you, to my son! If your son doesn’t want to go to a family function, why not try having him invite one of his new friends. Many times I’ve done that, and we have all had more fun. I have only one child and it makes things go a lot smoother, they are trying to become independent at this age and having someone their own age to be with makes them feel more included in the activity, and still be independent of the family. I know when I take a group of his friends out without another adult, I feel out of place, why would I expect him to feel any different? As far as drugs, I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. There are many other reasons that could be causing the drop in progress. Namely, the change in hormones (My son is maturing much faster than a lot of kids his age). Most "experts" will tell you that male hormones can drastically effect a boy’s attention span and his ability to concentrate. If his grades are falling in all of his classes, I’d suspect that over drugs. If they are falling in only a few, it may be that he is bored with the class, or as in my case, he identifies with one or two kids that create constant disturbances in those particular classes. I have just come from my son’s school, where I sat in on his Math class for the second time, and I intend to continue until his grades improve in math. By doing this for just two days now I have discovered that not only is his teacher extremely boring, but the boy he sits next to is a constant disturbance. This same boy is in his science class, where his grades are also dropping. Seems like a pretty big coincidence to me. I pointed this out to him this morning over breakfast, and he agreed that it might be the other boy’s distractions that are a lot of his problems in school. Now I need to find a way to undermine his impression of that boy, and hope his grades will improve as a result. He knows that I am serious when I tell him I will be going to class with him as long as I have to in order to get his grades up. And believe me he does NOT want that! Our problem is that my husband has been working out of town for over two years. He needs an older male to identify with. He does well in the classes that have male teachers. This boy I mentioned earlier is the oldest and biggest boy in his grade. He is also the most feared boy in his grade, which scares me! – Any REASONABLE suggestions on how to get him to see what is happening are welcome. As for sneaking around to have him tested for drugs, I think it would only teach him that it’s O.K. to sneak and connive if you think it is. And I’m sure it would do a lot of damage to whatever trust he has in you. The same goes for blackmailing him with a video tape. How could he ever come and talk to you about anything again if you did that??? If you suspect drugs, take a look at his behavior. Has it been a sudden drastic change, or a slow trend. If he has started taking drugs it would most likely be a sudden change. And check out his friends, not the one’s he hangs in the halls with at school trying to be "Joe cool", but the ones he wants to go out with. Those are his real friends. The more you have them around you, the better you will be able to tell what kind of kids they are. Family Night can be as simple as having over a bunch of his friends for pizza and a movie (one they want to see). And just letting them hang out. They don’t have to talk to you for you to hear what they are saying. Don’t stay under foot(unless you really want to see the movie too, and when its over go to another part of the house). You can pop in and out "to get a soda for yourself, or collect the empty cans and pizza boxes". Just being in the same house is enough though, you’re bound to overhear some of what is said. But if he never wants to have anyone over, then you may have a problem. Could be drugs. I’m not sure what I will do if mine gets into drugs…I don’t suspect that he has, but for now I have told him, if he wants to try it, come to me first. I’ll make sure he gets something pure and not laced with something deadly or more addicting that it has to be. I may be a fool, but I think it took the added desire of "getting away with something" out of it. And he knows I’m serious, cause when he asked what wine was like I let him try it, the same with beer. I don’t condone it, but I’d rather he do it at home with me. At least I know he is safe. He has only had half a glass of wine and two beers in his whole life, but he can tell his friends when they want him to try it that he already has and doesn’t like what it does to him. (Thank God he didn’t like it) With drugs, I guess I’ll do the same and hope for the same results. Any reasonable comments are welcome…but don’t try to tell me to blackmail or kidnap my son. I want to set a good example for him, not a bad one!
Response:
>My 14 year old son is out of control! He swears at me now, refuses >to do any of his household chores, and his schoolwork is beginning to >slide. He also doesn’t want to do anything with the family, such as >family outings, church, trips to relatives, meals, etc. We make him attend >these things, and it causes more of a rift. I think it has to do with >the new friends he’s hanging around with, whom I don’t like one bit. Any >advice?
If you had a good relationship with your child before this occured, find some time when you and he can sit down and catch up. If he won’t talk with you don’t get upset. At least he will know you are there for him. After you are done talking with him be sure he knows that this and that are expected from him no matter what. Each infraction will lose privledges, like his freedom to hang out. Be consistent and take no crap. Respectful behavior towards his mom, and dad is not a choice, but is required. Just like his household responsibilities, it is a responsibility not a choice. Life isn’t always what we want it to be, and respect for others is required at times (like your boss in the future), might as well get used to the reality now. You want to be mouthy and disrespectful, well now you can rest your rump in the house without companionship ie no phone or company. As for hanging out with the family, try and remember he is at that age to try and begin separating from you more. Give him some choices, ex.. This week the family is doing this, that, and that. Now wich one or two do you not want to be involved in. This way he has a choice, has more time to do things that interest him, and yet still has an opportunity to connect with the family at his most tolerated events. Friends are always a touchy subject. If you feel he has learned well over the years he will dump them soon enough and wonder, What was I thinking. If not, you coming down on them will only endure them to him even more. More on this in a moment. Has his appetite changed any? How about his speech, or body odor, or facial expressions. If you truly think he may have gotten into drugs and he won’t talk to you about it then by all means head for a physical to rule out drug, or alcohol use, after you talk with him. If you do find he is using some type of drug now you eliminate the new group of friends, by any means possible. The kid will have to rebuild your trust and faith in him, one brick at a time. So even if he feels you are treating him like a prisoner, (isn’t that what happens to adults who are caught?), he earned it now didn’t he. Good luck in the trying teen years. noonetwo…mother of 15 yr. old boy (it went by way to quick ;) sigh)
Response:
Shoot him, if that doesn’t work, send him to Moscow —
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