Question:
IMHO, six weeks is sufficient punishment for what he did. I would give him the computer back, but tell him that the next time he pulls something like that it will be _____ weeks. (I would increase the time up to double, i.e, 12 weeks). Margaret
Response:
I talked with my husband about this. He’s a software engineer. He gave some good insights. Among the things mentioned- your son is 15. Parents are not raising kids, they’re raising adults. Your son is closing in on his adulthood, and should be thought of as an adult with "training wheels". That means that your job is to be giving him increased responsibility, including letting him experience both the good and bad results of his decisions. Specifically about the computer. Giving a kid a computer today is like giving him a car when you were a teen. Teens want to open the hood, see what’s under there, how it works, how it can be souped up. MOST of the stuff people want to do with computers is web dependent. A computer without a modem is like a car that you can only drive around the block. It’s still a car, it still works, but you just can’t use it for anything really useful. Hubby recommends that you give your son a computer that REALLY his. He can do what he wants with it, including screwing it up past fixing, if that’s what happens. That’s how people learn lessons about how things work. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Hi, this is the first time I’ve ever posted. Please excuse me if the length >of this message is rather long and if the message itself is rather >disorganized. >I am the father of a 15 year old teenage boy who attends a quality prep >school. We purchased a computer for him 5 years ago. During that time >period, he obviously did not take care of the tool. Three months ago, I used >the old computer and discovered that it was slow and inefficient due to his >lack of care. Anyhow, I decided to purchase him a new computer. I told him >that he was NOT to open the computer over and over again like he did to the >last computer. We pruchased him the new machine. I must add that this new >computer did not contain a modem… if my son wanted to use the Internet he >had to go to another living room machine to do this. He was only to use the >Internet between the hours of 8 and 10. My son used his new computer, without >any violations for about three weeks. Then, I left on a business trip leaving >him alone to my wife who is not computer literate. When I returned a week >later, I noticed that the computer cover was missing a few screws. I asked >my son whether or not he had opened his computer. He said he did, but that >it was due to a malfunction. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but told >him that if it happened again, I would confisticate the computer. Two weeks >later, I used my son’s computer and realized that he had been using the >Internet on the machine by looking at the Netscape History. I realized that >he had also been using it during the time I was gone on a business trip. To >recap, a one-week use through the week I was gone and two weeks later using >it on a weekend. My son claims that he was forced to use it this last weekend >(when he was caught) because he needed to download some educational software >for school. It was true that he did indeed ask me if I could use the >ocmputer between the hours of 8 and 10 and I said "no." He claims that he >had no choice but to open up the computer because he really needed the >program. Quickly, my son sent me a letter begging for forgiveness. I gave >him a firm "no" saying that he needed to learn that actions come with >consequences. For six weeks, my son has said nothing to me at all about the >computer. However, I still am not convinced he has learned a lesson. My wife >has asked me whether I woudl recosnider and I have told her "no." Two weeks >ago, my son and I got into an argument when I took him to the bookstore and >asked him to buy a book. He said that he didnt’ feel comfortable buying a >book with me because he didn’t like the feeling that he was buying one with >me "looking over his shoulder." I didn’t even follow him through the store, >but he claims this is a "figure of speech" (looking over the shoulder) >whatever that means. My son is a bright kid, he is at the top 10% of his >class and his classmates and teachers often rave about him. Perhaps I am >taking this too far. I know most kids don’t even have such rules imposed on >them. How much is enough? When should I give my son his computer back? >Thanks!
Response:
>Take a computer class, Elaine. Far from "MOST" things, there is only >a small percentage of activities that require a modem.
So, little mr.Knowitall…now you’re a computer guru? Unless, of – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->course, the only thing you know how to do is read newsgroups. In which >case, 100% of activities require a modem, and you might as well have >bought a WebTV. >– Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
Response:
<SNIP> >I am the father of a 15 year old teenage boy who attends a quality prep >school. We purchased a computer for him 5 years ago. During that time >period, he obviously did not take care of the tool. Three months ago, I used >the old computer and discovered that it was slow and inefficient due to his >lack of care.
Are you sure of that? Compared to todays computers one of that age would seem slow and inneficient trying to run the newer programs. Our old computer (7years old) would never had made it as long as it did without frequent openings and upgrades. At least not running the newer programs on it. Anyhow, I decided to purchase him a new computer. I told him >that he was NOT to open the computer over and over again like he did to the >last computer. We pruchased him the new machine. I must add that this new >computer did not contain a modem… if my son wanted to use the Internet he >had to go to another living room machine to do this. He was only to use the >Internet between the hours of 8 and 10. My son used his new computer, without >any violations for about three weeks.
Does this mean he did not open the computer, or where there other rules? Then, I left on a business trip leaving >him alone to my wife who is not computer literate. When I returned a week >later, I noticed that the computer cover was missing a few screws. I asked >my son whether or not he had opened his computer. He said he did, but that >it was due to a malfunction.
I guess this is when the computer got a modem eh? I gave him the benefit of the doubt but told >him that if it happened again, I would confisticate the computer. Two weeks >later, I used my son’s computer and realized that he had been using the >Internet on the machine by looking at the Netscape History. I realized that >he had also been using it during the time I was gone on a business trip. To >recap, a one-week use through the week I was gone and two weeks later using >it on a weekend. My son claims that he was forced to use it this last weekend >(when he was caught) because he needed to download some educational software >for school. It was true that he did indeed ask me if I could use the >ocmputer between the hours of 8 and 10 and I said "no." He claims that he >had no choice but to open up the computer because he really needed the >program.
Curious, the kid asked you to go on the internet for school purposes during his allowed time and you said no? Then your surprised he went behind your back. Not that it is a good thing he did, but you hold some culpability here to. Quickly, my son sent me a letter begging for forgiveness. I gave >him a firm "no" saying that he needed to learn that actions come with >consequences. For six weeks, my son has said nothing to me at all about the >computer. However, I still am not convinced he has learned a lesson. My wife >has asked me whether I woudl recosnider and I have told her "no." Two weeks >ago, my son and I got into an argument when I took him to the bookstore and >asked him to buy a book. He said that he didnt’ feel comfortable buying a >book with me because he didn’t like the feeling that he was buying one with >me "looking over his shoulder." I didn’t even follow him through the store, >but he claims this is a "figure of speech" (looking over the shoulder) >whatever that means.
I am not surprised at this. My son is a bright kid, he is at the top 10% of his >class and his classmates and teachers often rave about him. Perhaps I am >taking this too far.
Weather I agree with what you did in the first place is irrelevant. You told him you would take it away if such and such happened. It did, you did, now move on. You should not be punishing him forever over it. You made your point with your son I am sure, maybe to well in fact. This kid is 15, unless he has given you good reason to think you need to be so controling you will just end up alienating the boy. I could be totally wrong, there could be much info not included in the post that would counter this next statement. It seems you are trying to have way to much control over your son. Thus causing him to lash out by disobeying simple rules you have in place. At this age shouldn’t you be letting him stretch his wings, in preparation of adulthood? I know most kids don’t even have such rules imposed on >them. How much is enough? When should I give my son his computer back?
About 2 weeks ago.
Response:
> <obviously computer-illiterate and overly controlling crap snipped> > whatever that means. My son is a bright kid, he is at the top 10% of his > class and his classmates and teachers often rave about him. Perhaps I am > taking this too far. I know most kids don’t even have such rules imposed on > them. How much is enough? When should I give my son his computer back?
Give the boy back his computer, and apologize for your madness. What are your reservations about the Internet? It’s a great place to be, especially at that age. Your son obviously is intelligent, enough so that he is able to make decisions about what he views online. It seems like you have no reason for such controlling behaviour. Though, I question your son’s ability to hide modem usage. Had it been me at fifteen, you would have never found netscape, and I would have used an external modem. — Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
Response:
> Specifically about the computer. Giving a kid a computer today is like > giving him a car when you were a teen. Teens want to open the hood, see > what’s under there, how it works, how it can be souped up.
Duh, he opened up the computer in order to add an internal modem. > MOST of the stuff people want to do with computers is web dependent. A > computer without a modem is like a car that you can only drive around the > block. It’s still a car, it still works, but you just can’t use it for > anything really useful.
Take a computer class, Elaine. Far from "MOST" things, there is only a small percentage of activities that require a modem. Unless, of course, the only thing you know how to do is read newsgroups. In which case, 100% of activities require a modem, and you might as well have bought a WebTV. — Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
Response:
> So, little mr.Knowitall…now you’re a computer guru?
I know nearly nothing about computers, but I have a working knowledge of Pascal and C++, I can design and implement HTML, and I can diagnose and troubleshoot almost any common hardware issue. I worked with computers long before the Internet became popular, with modems and without. So no, I’m not a guru. I really don’t know much at all, but I’d bet I know about three hundred times more than you. And you didn’t even address the fact you were completely wrong in your post. Oh well. — Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
Response:
> For sure. Steve and I puzzled over his claim of slow and inefficient due to > "lack of care"??? We had no idea what he meant. Also, it seems that it was > the dad, not the kid who wanted a new computer.
If you knew anything at all about these machines, you would know that without regular attention and maintenence, a heavily used computer will become inreasingly "slow and inefficient" (ie, crash a great deal), until the point where you either need major software restructuring or a new machine. — Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
Response:
Hi, this is the first time I’ve ever posted. Please excuse me if the length of this message is rather long and if the message itself is rather disorganized. I am the father of a 15 year old teenage boy who attends a quality prep school. We purchased a computer for him 5 years ago. During that time period, he obviously did not take care of the tool. Three months ago, I used the old computer and discovered that it was slow and inefficient due to his lack of care. Anyhow, I decided to purchase him a new computer. I told him that he was NOT to open the computer over and over again like he did to the last computer. We pruchased him the new machine. I must add that this new computer did not contain a modem… if my son wanted to use the Internet he had to go to another living room machine to do this. He was only to use the Internet between the hours of 8 and 10. My son used his new computer, without any violations for about three weeks. Then, I left on a business trip leaving him alone to my wife who is not computer literate. When I returned a week later, I noticed that the computer cover was missing a few screws. I asked my son whether or not he had opened his computer. He said he did, but that it was due to a malfunction. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but told him that if it happened again, I would confisticate the computer. Two weeks later, I used my son’s computer and realized that he had been using the Internet on the machine by looking at the Netscape History. I realized that he had also been using it during the time I was gone on a business trip. To recap, a one-week use through the week I was gone and two weeks later using it on a weekend. My son claims that he was forced to use it this last weekend (when he was caught) because he needed to download some educational software for school. It was true that he did indeed ask me if I could use the ocmputer between the hours of 8 and 10 and I said "no." He claims that he had no choice but to open up the computer because he really needed the program. Quickly, my son sent me a letter begging for forgiveness. I gave him a firm "no" saying that he needed to learn that actions come with consequences. For six weeks, my son has said nothing to me at all about the computer. However, I still am not convinced he has learned a lesson. My wife has asked me whether I woudl recosnider and I have told her "no." Two weeks ago, my son and I got into an argument when I took him to the bookstore and asked him to buy a book. He said that he didnt’ feel comfortable buying a book with me because he didn’t like the feeling that he was buying one with me "looking over his shoulder." I didn’t even follow him through the store, but he claims this is a "figure of speech" (looking over the shoulder) whatever that means. My son is a bright kid, he is at the top 10% of his class and his classmates and teachers often rave about him. Perhaps I am taking this too far. I know most kids don’t even have such rules imposed on them. How much is enough? When should I give my son his computer back? Thanks!
Response:
>I can’t believe that out of all of the responses to this post so far that only >one other person feels the way I do (at least to a point). >My question is that if he messed up the first one like you said by taking it >apart, then WHY would you get him a new computer?
Oh, I agree that the question is REALLY weird. First of all, it’s so weird that the man doesn’t want his son tinkering with computers to figure out how they work. They sell classes for that for god’s sake. The father is obviously a complete computer illiterate, and he wants his son to be one too. The son’s version of "defiance" is to learn computer architecture. Geeze. gooo defiance. Make him learn that he has – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->to take care of his belongings or he has to face the consequences. In this >case, a slow computer or maybe down the road – NO computer. I think this >would speak to him louder than anything else. >If he messes something up and Dad goes out and buys a newer and better >computer what would be his motivation to NOT do the same thing again when he >wants another new one? Give him a reason to take care of the things you give >him. What will you do when he is 16? Will you give him a car? If he wrecks >it or starts messing with the engine and it doesn’t work, will you go and >replace it or tell him he has to deal with it himself? This is basically the >same thing, just not quite as expensive (but not CHEAP either). > >I think your doing a good job. If your really concerned about him taking > >the computer apart and misusing it. May I suggest having him pay for it. > >Maybe he will learn the value of material things. If he uses the internet > >not in the right times. Lock it while your away. He still has his regular > >computer to do homework > >Stacey > I’ll second that. > I would have not bought the second computer for him after the treatment of > the first one. Most of the teenagers I talked to about this think that he is > being > disrespectful and that he should feel lucky > that he has parents who can/will buy him > things such as a computer.Oh yeah !!! > Beware when he asks for a car(for fear he would take that apart too!!) > good luck > peace > dia
Response:
> I am the father of a 15 year old teenage boy who attends a quality prep > school. We purchased a computer for him 5 years ago. During that time > period, he obviously did not take care of the tool. Three months ago, I used > the old computer and discovered that it was slow and inefficient due to his > lack of care. Anyhow, I decided to purchase him a new computer. I told him > that he was NOT to open the computer over and over again like he did to the > last computer.
Snipped for brevity. I’m gonna say this from the bottom of my heart in the way that will attempt to be kind while shielding my current opinion of you. The comp was 5 YEARS old, My comp is only 1 YEAR old and it is already out-of-date! It wasn’t slow and innefficient due to his lack of care, it was slow and ineffiecent due to TIME. You sound like my mother, she thinks that she actually KNOWS something about computers. "Geee Dave, you’re gonna break the computer if you do that." "Really, how?" "Well it’s going to burn out." "Ma, computers don’t work like that." "Well, yes they do, shut it off." You see, she knows nothing about computers, thinks she knows something about them, and proceedes to tell someone like me who grew up with a comp how to use it. This does not work, from what you said, you’ve made it clear that your knowledge of computers is minimal, so unless you somehow managed to find a P100 which didn’t exist back then the computer would be slow by now due to time if nothing else. So to finally make my point and end with a thesis statement, you dished out a punishment when there was no crime. —
Response:
I think you need to realize that your son at 15 is rapidly approaching adulthood. He needs to start feeling he has some control in some areas of his life whether it is the computer or his social life, or something else. In about 3 years he will be out of the house and you won’t have any control over a lot of what he does. Isn’t it better to let him practice using his own judgement before he gets out on his own. Let his actions have consequences – if he messes with the computer and breaks it, then he has to earn the money to fix it. Kids need to practice making judgements just like they need to practice driving, playing football, budgeting, being polite, etc. Your household sounds long on rules and short on compassion. Try a little more flexibility if you want him to keep talking to you and keep you informed as to what is going on his life. Having a teen isn’t easy (I’ve been there) but you have to hang in there. Don’t take his "looking over the shoulder" comments so personally. All he is saying is that he feels he needs more space. You’ve made your point with the computer for the past 6 weeks. I don’t see how you feel you are losing face by giving him another chance.
Response:
I can’t believe that out of all of the responses to this post so far that only one other person feels the way I do (at least to a point). My question is that if he messed up the first one like you said by taking it apart, then WHY would you get him a new computer? Make him learn that he has to take care of his belongings or he has to face the consequences. In this case, a slow computer or maybe down the road – NO computer. I think this would speak to him louder than anything else. If he messes something up and Dad goes out and buys a newer and better computer what would be his motivation to NOT do the same thing again when he wants another new one? Give him a reason to take care of the things you give him. What will you do when he is 16? Will you give him a car? If he wrecks it or starts messing with the engine and it doesn’t work, will you go and replace it or tell him he has to deal with it himself? This is basically the same thing, just not quite as expensive (but not CHEAP either). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I think your doing a good job. If your really concerned about him taking >the computer apart and misusing it. May I suggest having him pay for it. >Maybe he will learn the value of material things. If he uses the internet >not in the right times. Lock it while your away. He still has his regular >computer to do homework >Stacey > I’ll second that. > I would have not bought the second computer for him after the treatment of > the first one. Most of the teenagers I talked to about this think that he is > being > disrespectful and that he should feel lucky > that he has parents who can/will buy him > things such as a computer.Oh yeah !!! > Beware when he asks for a car(for fear he would take that apart too!!) > good luck > peace > dia
Response:
<SNIP> . My son claims that he was forced to use it this last – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->weekend > >(when he was caught) because he needed to download some educational >software > >for school. It was true that he did indeed ask me if I could use the > >ocmputer between the hours of 8 and 10 and I said "no." He claims that he > >had no choice but to open up the computer because he really needed the > >program. > Curious, the kid asked you to go on the internet for school purposes during >his > allowed time and you said no? Then your surprised he went behind your >back. > Not that it is a good thing he did, but you hold some culpability here to. >I admit that this may have been a key reason for his going behind my back. >However, if I bend down and admit that I was wrong, might he start to get a >false impression that HE is the one in charge now?
I didn’t mean for you to admit anything to your son. Nor did I wish to imply he shouldn’t be punished for his misbehavior. What I did mean is to take into consideration your culpability, along with his when you choose his punishment. <SNIP> >His bookstore behavior has given me the impression that he has learned >absolutely nothing. He was arugmentative at the bookstore and the phrase >"looking over the shoulder" angered me deeply. I didn’t tell him what book >to buy, I didn’t tell him how expensive it could be. He blatantly lies when >he uses such phrases and then gives me gibberish on how it is "figurative >language"
At his age I am guessing the boy is angry, feeling he has no control at all over his life. Kids his age feel this way sometimes even when imagined. I would bet in his eyes he feels lashing out at you is one thing he can control. Sure, he will probably get punished if he goes to far. But in the mean time it is a game he controls. See how hurtful and mean he can be without getting called on it. Him saying something about you looking over his shoulder is figurative. Your boy is trying to tell you how he feels. In his eyes you didn’t just say he could get a book. To him the dictator granted him a book. The only way to fight the oppressive ruler was to decline it. No matter your parenting style there are times when a teenager will see home life in a whoa is me manner. <SNIP> >My big problem with giving it back now is that my son (who is very >manipulative and a master in verbal trickery) will get the wrong idea and go >"Ha! Look at how weak they are!" and then will go and do the same thing >again. I would like to set up a "test" situation in which I could see if he >has really learned a lesson without him learning. Any suggestions? Again, >my big fear is that he has learned nothing about honesty, integrity, and >responsibility from this situation.
Ah, he is at the manipulative age. My now 15 yr. old son went through this at 11. I think I prefer dealing with it younger than so close to adulthood. Had you told him previously the computer would be confiscated for good? Or did you just say it would be confiscated? If the later then you did just what you said you would. I am not sure what kind of test you are looking for. To tell if he opened the computer up? Could you explain this aspect better? >My father used to say: "To be cruel is to be kind, to be kind is to be >cruel"… Do you think this quote applies here?
In a serious situation the quote is rather appropriate. Like drugs, alcohol, the law, and anything that could cause bodily harm to anyone. But as far as tweaking a computer, nope.
Response:
> Genuine enquiry as I know very little about computers except how to install > & drive software. I would hate my 6 month old PC to become ’slow and > inefficient’. What sort of ‘regular attention & maintenance’ should I give > it?
Ideally, you should purchase all your software (as opposed to piracy), back up all your data files (anything you create) to floppy disk, and format your hard drive once a year (then re-install all your software). What you really ought to do is keep constantly running programs to a minimum (findfast from MS Office comes to mind), and always choose a "custom install" for anything you install. That means you have to learn enough about your machine to know which pieces of the software you want and which you don’t. My procedure for buying a new machine: First, connect it up and make sure everything works. Then take inventory and make sure you have the "emergency disk" (ie, a factory install on a CD-ROM). Then use your "Make Original Disks" utilityto have all of your drivers and software on CD-ROM. Once you’ve got all your software present and accounted for (including your Win9x), access the internet and download updated drivers for all of your hardware. Then format your hard drive, install a fresh Win9x (and all your brand new drivers), and begin installing the software that came with your machine until you have everything you thing you’re going to use. — Brian Ream Kalamazoo, Michigan
Response:
>I think your doing a good job. If your really concerned about him taking >the computer apart and misusing it. May I suggest having him pay for it. >Maybe he will learn the value of material things. If he uses the internet >not in the right times. Lock it while your away. He still has his regular >computer to do homework >Stacey
I’ll second that. I would have not bought the second computer for him after the treatment of the first one. Most of the teenagers I talked to about this think that he is being disrespectful and that he should feel lucky that he has parents who can/will buy him things such as a computer.Oh yeah !!! Beware when he asks for a car(for fear he would take that apart too!!) good luck peace dia
Response:
I think your doing a good job. If your really concerned about him taking the computer apart and misusing it. May I suggest having him pay for it. Maybe he will learn the value of material things. If he uses the internet not in the right times. Lock it while your away. He still has his regular computer to do homework Stacey
Response:
>However, if I bend down and admit that I was wrong, might he start to get a >false impression that HE is the one in charge now?
You admit it to this newsgroup but you won’t admit it to your son? Surely he deserves a bit more respect and honesty from you than that. You seem to see this as a power issue between you and him and determined not to lose face or control. It seems to me that in the process what you have lost is his respect and trust because you haven’t demonstrated these things to him. When (or before) you do give him back his computer, try sitting down together to talk the issues through, express your concerns and also really listen to his point of view. Perhaps together you could work out some reasonable guidelines about him using the computer rather than you laying down rules which to his mind seem unfair and intrusive. I know when I was 15 and my parents tried to lay down the law about anything those were the very things I went off and did behind their back. >my big fear is that he has learned nothing about honesty, integrity, and >responsibility from this situation.
Perhaps not yet. But if his father models some of those qualities in how he deals with the situation from now on he might. K
Response:
>without regular attention and maintenence, a heavily used computer will >become inreasingly "slow and inefficient" (ie, crash a great deal), >until the point where you either need major software restructuring or a >new machine.
Brian, Genuine enquiry as I know very little about computers except how to install & drive software. I would hate my 6 month old PC to become ’slow and inefficient’. What sort of ‘regular attention & maintenance’ should I give it? K
Response:
As a webtv user, I found you comment "interesting". I feel I must defend us "webtvers". Webtv can actually be beneficial. I was looking for an economical way to have e-mail and some internet access. For a mere $99, I have both. I do much more than read/post to newsgroups with my webtv. I use it to send/receive e-mail and to log into various websites. It is very unusual for me to come across a website that I cannot access from webtv (although it does happen). Using my webtv, I have found and conferred with a medical specialist in Australia about a medical condition (my mother’s not mine), I have read newspapers and magazine articles, I have ordered gifts, and of course, I have found websites about almost any subject imaginable. I might add that viewing certain websites can be enhanced when using webtv. Imagine the pictures from the Louvre website on a big 35 inch tv screen. Recently my daughter was studying volcanoes in school. She found several intersting websites. The pictures were quite impressive on the bigger screen (much better than on a small pc screen). Also, at the moment, I can’t imagine having the time to do more on the internet than I already do. I envision that someday our needs will change and we will purchase a new computer, but in the mean time, webtv is a very useful tool at a very reasonable cost. ~Jan (who gets the impression that webtv is seen as the trailer park of the internet)
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ><SNIP> >I am the father of a 15 year old teenage boy who attends a quality prep >school. We purchased a computer for him 5 years ago. During that time >period, he obviously did not take care of the tool. Three months ago, I used >the old computer and discovered that it was slow and inefficient due to his >lack of care. >Are you sure of that? Compared to todays computers one of that age would seem >slow and inneficient trying to run the newer programs.
For sure. Steve and I puzzled over his claim of slow and inefficient due to "lack of care"??? We had no idea what he meant. Also, it seems that it was the dad, not the kid who wanted a new computer. Our old computer – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->(7years old) would never had made it as long as it did without frequent >openings and upgrades. At least not running the newer programs on it. >Anyhow, I decided to purchase him a new computer. I told him >that he was NOT to open the computer over and over again like he did to the >last computer. We pruchased him the new machine. I must add that this >new >computer did not contain a modem… if my son wanted to use the Internet he >had to go to another living room machine to do this. He was only to use the >Internet between the hours of 8 and 10. My son used his new computer, without >any violations for about three weeks. >Does this mean he did not open the computer, or where there other rules? > Then, I left on a business trip leaving >him alone to my wife who is not computer literate. When I returned a week >later, I noticed that the computer cover was missing a few screws. I asked >my son whether or not he had opened his computer. He said he did, but that >it was due to a malfunction. >I guess this is when the computer got a modem eh? > I gave him the benefit of the doubt but told >him that if it happened again, I would confisticate the computer. Two weeks >later, I used my son’s computer and realized that he had been using the >Internet on the machine by looking at the Netscape History. I realized that >he had also been using it during the time I was gone on a business trip. To >recap, a one-week use through the week I was gone and two weeks later using >it on a weekend. My son claims that he was forced to use it this last weekend >(when he was caught) because he needed to download some educational software >for school. It was true that he did indeed ask me if I could use the >ocmputer between the hours of 8 and 10 and I said "no." He claims that he >had no choice but to open up the computer because he really needed the >program. >Curious, the kid asked you to go on the internet for school purposes during his >allowed time and you said no? Then your surprised he went behind your back. >Not that it is a good thing he did, but you hold some culpability here to. >Quickly, my son sent me a letter begging for forgiveness. I gave >him a firm "no" saying that he needed to learn that actions come with >consequences. For six weeks, my son has said nothing to me at all about the >computer. However, I still am not convinced he has learned a lesson. My wife >has asked me whether I woudl recosnider and I have told her "no." Two weeks >ago, my son and I got into an argument when I took him to the bookstore and >asked him to buy a book. He said that he didnt’ feel comfortable buying a >book with me because he didn’t like the feeling that he was buying one with >me "looking over his shoulder." I didn’t even follow him through the store, >but he claims this is a "figure of speech" (looking over the shoulder) >whatever that means. >I am not surprised at this. > My son is a bright kid, he is at the top 10% of his >class and his classmates and teachers often rave about him. Perhaps I am >taking this too far. >Weather I agree with what you did in the first place is irrelevant. You told >him you would take it away if such and such happened. It did, you did, now >move on. You should not be punishing him forever over it. You made your point >with your son I am sure, maybe to well in fact. This kid is 15, unless he has >given you good reason to think you need to be so controling you will just end >up alienating the boy. I could be totally wrong, there could be much info not >included in the post that would counter this next statement. It seems you are >trying to have way to much control over your son. Thus causing him to lash out >by disobeying simple rules you have in place. At this age shouldn’t you be >letting him stretch his wings, in preparation of adulthood? >I know most kids don’t even have such rules imposed on >them. How much is enough? When should I give my son his computer back? >About 2 weeks ago.
Response:
> >computer did not contain a modem… if my son wanted to use the Internet he >had to go to another living room machine to do this. He was only to use the >Internet between the hours of 8 and 10. My son used his new computer, without >any violations for about three weeks. > Does this mean he did not open the computer, or where there other rules?
He did not open his computer. > Then, I left on a business trip leaving >him alone to my wife who is not computer literate. When I returned a week >later, I noticed that the computer cover was missing a few screws. I asked >my son whether or not he had opened his computer. He said he did, but that >it was due to a malfunction. > I guess this is when the computer got a modem eh?
Correct. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I gave him the benefit of the doubt but told >him that if it happened again, I would confisticate the computer. Two weeks >later, I used my son’s computer and realized that he had been using the >Internet on the machine by looking at the Netscape History. I realized that >he had also been using it during the time I was gone on a business trip. To >recap, a one-week use through the week I was gone and two weeks later using >it on a weekend. My son claims that he was forced to use it this last weekend >(when he was caught) because he needed to download some educational software >for school. It was true that he did indeed ask me if I could use the >ocmputer between the hours of 8 and 10 and I said "no." He claims that he >had no choice but to open up the computer because he really needed the >program. > Curious, the kid asked you to go on the internet for school purposes during his > allowed time and you said no? Then your surprised he went behind your back. > Not that it is a good thing he did, but you hold some culpability here to.
I admit that this may have been a key reason for his going behind my back. However, if I bend down and admit that I was wrong, might he start to get a false impression that HE is the one in charge now? > Quickly, my son sent me a letter begging for forgiveness. I gave >him a firm "no" saying that he needed to learn that actions come with >consequences. For six weeks, my son has said nothing to me at all about the >computer. However, I still am not convinced he has learned a lesson. My wife >has asked me whether I woudl recosnider and I have told her "no." Two weeks >ago, my son and I got into an argument when I took him to the bookstore and >asked him to buy a book. He said that he didnt’ feel comfortable buying a >book with me because he didn’t like the feeling that he was buying one with >me "looking over his shoulder." I didn’t even follow him through the store, >but he claims this is a "figure of speech" (looking over the shoulder) >whatever that means. > I am not surprised at this.
His bookstore behavior has given me the impression that he has learned absolutely nothing. He was arugmentative at the bookstore and the phrase "looking over the shoulder" angered me deeply. I didn’t tell him what book to buy, I didn’t tell him how expensive it could be. He blatantly lies when he uses such phrases and then gives me gibberish on how it is "figurative language" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Weather I agree with what you did in the first place is irrelevant. You told > him you would take it away if such and such happened. It did, you did, now > move on. You should not be punishing him forever over it. You made your point > with your son I am sure, maybe to well in fact. This kid is 15, unless he has > given you good reason to think you need to be so controling you will just end > up alienating the boy. I could be totally wrong, there could be much info not > included in the post that would counter this next statement. It seems you are > trying to have way to much control over your son. Thus causing him to lash out > by disobeying simple rules you have in place. At this age shouldn’t you be > letting him stretch his wings, in preparation of adulthood? > I know most kids don’t even have such rules imposed on >them. How much is enough? When should I give my son his computer back? > About 2 weeks ago.
My big problem with giving it back now is that my son (who is very manipulative and a master in verbal trickery) will get the wrong idea and go "Ha! Look at how weak they are!" and then will go and do the same thing again. I would like to set up a "test" situation in which I could see if he has really learned a lesson without him learning. Any suggestions? Again, my big fear is that he has learned nothing about honesty, integrity, and responsibility from this situation. My father used to say: "To be cruel is to be kind, to be kind is to be cruel"… Do you think this quote applies here?
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