Pure Parents

Question:

My husband and I strongly disagree about hoe to get our 13 month-old to sleep on his own.  While I think, as painful as it is, he should cry himself to sleep, my huband strongly objects.  He read somewhere that allowing a baby to cry hysterically kills developing brain cells.  He is sure that he will become withdrawn and a sadden child.  On the other hand,  I think he will benefit by becoming independant, self-sufficient, and self-secure.  The problem is taking over our lives and growing.  It has gotten so bad that he will not even nap in his crib.  As soon as he is put down, he wakes up screaming!  He will only stay asleep on our bed, the living room couch, or in the car.  As a full-time college student, I know the parental "value" of a sleeping child.  This arrangement is not good for our sexlife [what's that?:)] or our marriage.  Everytime we try to discuss solutions we end up taking punches at each other’s parents.   His family had a "family bed" while mine did not.  Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanx, Three’s A Crowd

Response:

> My husband and I strongly disagree about hoe to get our 13 month-old to > sleep on his own.  While I think, as painful as it is, he should cry > himself to sleep, my huband strongly objects.  He read somewhere that

Hi Marla Has your baby slept with you all this time?  I think that’s wonderful!  Our baby sleeps in our bed as well, however we’ve not come to the point where either any of us want her to move. I agree that letting a baby "cry it out" is not good for the child….esp. crying himself to sleep.  I’ve not read what your husband has about killing brain cells, but i feel certain it doesn’t help his brain at all!  It sends a horribly negative message to your child; namely, that the ppl he relies on for everything do not consider his needs worthy of meeting.  That’s all he knows.  He does, however learn something from it,  that he is alone in a world where he needs your physical presence just to survive…let alone to be content.  That’s all his mind can comprehend at this stage of development, imo. > allowing a baby to cry hysterically kills developing brain cells.  He is > sure that he will become withdrawn and a sadden child.  On the other hand, >  I think he will benefit by becoming independant, self-sufficient, and

he will become independent when he is ready….when he feels confident enough in his foundation (you and your husband) he will fly.  I strongly disagree that children can be forced into independence….not confident independence and certainly not security.  The only thing that leaving a child to gain these things on his own accomplishes is letting him know that his needs don’t matter…and it just doesn’t follow that self-esteem and confidence can grow out of that message. > self-secure.  The problem is taking over our lives and growing.  It has > gotten so bad that he will not even nap in his crib.  As soon as he is > put down, he wakes up screaming!  He will only stay asleep on our bed,

he NEEDS to be close to you now.  Since he is a full-fledged member of your family, and the one who’s least able to meet his own needs now, wouldn’t it prudent to put his needs first until he develops out of them naturally? > the living room couch, or in the car.  As a full-time college student, I > know the parental "value" of a sleeping child.  This arrangement is not > good for our sexlife [what's that?:)] or our marriage.  Everytime we try

i value my child’s sleep time too.  But she goes to sleep when she’s ready and when she’s awake, she has my attention when she wants it.  (amazingly enough, she’s developed her own schedule this way…i can almost set myclock by it.  She wakes and sleeps according to her own natural rhythms and is quite consistent; naps late-morning, then at about 2pm, then at 5ish pm then at 7ish….then at about 10 she’s down for the night except for a feeding when i go to bed about midnight.) She has learned that, if she needs me, i’ll be there, so she sleeps better.  It’s worked out beautifully.  She trusts me and knows she’s important to me….she decides when she’s sleepy and she sleeps….i get all kinds of things done then. You may see this as me letting her run my life.  I see it as making both our lives easier and more fulfilling in the long run (fewer discipline problems, greater trust and openness between us, more confidence and greater self-esteem for Chloe, greater assurance for me that she’ll be ok in the world….that her needs have been met and she won’t seek to meet them some other way.) As far as your marriage is concerned….sex life specifically, there are MANY other and more interesting places to have sex besides in your bed at night.  Being creative with time and place may even spice it up for you guys a bit.   sometimes it’s difficult to work out a compromise…esp. when parents don’t agree about parenting!  But it’s not impossible.  For your son, i’d advise keeping him near you as much as you can and letting him sleep where he is comfortable…eventually, he’ll WANT to be away from you.  And for you and your husband, how about having a letter-writing period, where you each just write down your views (maybe in bullet form) then answer each other’s letter.  This way, you can both have time to thoughtfully word your piece and peacefully exchange it…and it doesn’t escalate into a real fight where nothing good is accomplished.  Try to answer each point you both have and see if a compromise can be drawn from that.  Maybe you both could make up a schedule wherein you have a scheduled time do your own thing while he plays with your son or makes arrangements for someone else to watch (and vice-versa for your husband).  These are just a few of my own suggestions. There are many more in The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears, RN (they have EIGHT kids! wow) Best wishes to you and your family Cathy

Response:

Hi – I just wanted to respond to the theory your husband has about the baby becoming withdrawn if he cries himself to sleep.   That has not been our experience.  It took our son 2-3 days of crying for 1-2hours, now he goes to sleep right away.  We did the same for naps and he naps easily.  He was happy and cheerful even after crying the night before, and when he started sleeping thru, so were we!  He’s 16 mos. old now and sleeps 11 hours at night and still takes 2 one hour naps.  He is a happy kid and smiles all the time.  Don’t let that fear keep you from letting him cry if that’s what you decide to do. Robin

Response:

You have my sympathy also.  We got thru it with our first son, however it is turning out to be much harder with our daughter who is 31/2.  We moved out of state when she was two and at the time felt she had trouble because of the move.  A year and a half later it is still going on.  We tried a junior bed and now she has a full size.  Although at times she slept in her bed, it is a hasle most nights and she ends up winning only because we are so tired.  Recently we just  put a blanket on the floor, but continue to struggle to keep her in her room.  I know I haven’t been much help. All I can say is try to break him of the habbit before he leaves the crib.  Most doctors I have talked to don’t feel there is anything wrong with crying.  Best of luck to you.  

Response:

anything wrong with crying.  Best of luck to you.   It is important for parents to understand that crying is a form of communication. In infants it is one of the most meaningful in their reactions to pain and to their view of the world outside. It is ignored at their peril as well as yours. Thus the first concern is to find out why, and then deal with it. It is often trial and error with first-born infants; but when the crying stops you may have found the reason for it. Usually it is one of: pain (including hunger) other physical discomfort (including noise/smoke/smell etc) need for attention and contact. — AlanC+                 "Don’t ever dream I wondered at your tears.