Question:
>: I’d tell the younger one to beat the living *&^#^ out of the older >: one and I bet his problem will be solved pronto! > Actually, there is a certain validity to training your kid to be able to >stick up for themselves, and fight if necessary. > HOWEVER- no one should ever have to depend on fighting to feel respected >and safe in their own home. Fighting within families is always bad news. >It’s in the home that we learn to be secure, and to have somewhere safe >and loving to return when life throws us curves.
We’re Italian. We believe in fighting.
Response:
>: I’d tell the younger one to beat the living *&^#^ out of the older >: one and I bet his problem will be solved pronto! > Actually, there is a certain validity to training your kid to be able to >stick up for themselves, and fight if necessary. > HOWEVER- no one should ever have to depend on fighting to feel respected >and safe in their own home. Fighting within families is always bad news. >It’s in the home that we learn to be secure, and to have somewhere safe >and loving to return when life throws us curves. > Abuse in the home, from anyone, sets the stage for lifelong unhappiness >for both victim and abuser.
Good book for parenting Don’t Shoot the Dog: The New Art of Teaching and Training by Karen Pryor
Response:
: I’d tell the younger one to beat the living *&^#^ out of the older : one and I bet his problem will be solved pronto! Actually, there is a certain validity to training your kid to be able to stick up for themselves, and fight if necessary. HOWEVER- no one should ever have to depend on fighting to feel respected and safe in their own home. Fighting within families is always bad news. It’s in the home that we learn to be secure, and to have somewhere safe and loving to return when life throws us curves. Abuse in the home, from anyone, sets the stage for lifelong unhappiness for both victim and abuser.
Response:
I’d tell the younger one to beat the living *&^#^ out of the older one and I bet his problem will be solved pronto!
Response:
I’d have a talk with David. You’re right, I wouldn’t make seeing him contingent on him treating his brother better. I WOULD say something to this effect- "Dave, do you understand why we spend time together? It’s my hope that I can be a good influence on you, and help you to grow up a good, responsible man. Your brother has a weight problem. Your brother also loves you very much, and looks up to you. You are hurting his feelings when you mock him, especially in front of the other kids. This is not acceptable. It needs to end." As his mentor and role model, what you say to him has a lot of influence. Make him understand that if he overcomes his urges to abuse his brother, it would be very meaningful to you, and you will have more respect for him. It is also a challenge to learn compassion and patience for others. Many kids start out with little compassion for others. It is a sign of maturation when they can overcome impluses to be petty and cruel. Do try to have this sort of chat with your young friend. It would be very gratifying if you are able to achieve some improvement with this issue.
: I have been a mentor to a 13yo boy for 1-1/2 years now. : Our relationship is excellent, especially considering that : to start out this kid had been very reticent in general. : We share many interests in common and have great times : together. He is more expressive about his feelings, : both negative and positive. He has been doing better : in school and with friends. There is one problem, though, : which is not directly related to our times together but which : troubles me. : This 13yo boy (I’ll call him David) has a terrible habit of : tormenting his 9yo brother about how much weight the younger : brother has gained. The younger boy (I’ll call him Paul) is : definitely on the hefty side. David never misses a chance to : talk about how fat he is, often taunting him in front of his : friends. Furthermore, David has started to make an issue of his : brother’s weight on the school bus in front of other kids. : The only things I can offer up as possible factors are that the : boys have to share a bedroom and that Paul, the younger one, tends : to copy David when David finds new interests, like this year : when yo-yo’s arrived on the scene. David gets frustrated when : Paul suddenly turns up with an identical toy or hobby. I also : know that David would love to have his own room, but there aren’t : enough bedrooms in their house for this to be possible. : My sense is that if David had his own room it would help : him to feel more independent and less angry. : There is definitely a lot of anger there, including toward the mom : who does not always act responsibly. The mother has a drinking : problem and self-esteem issues with the men she dates and as : a result her kids have witnessed things I don’t want to describe. : Guilt over her divorce makes her hesitant to really discipline : the kids when they act up — she rarely follows through with : threats to ground them, not allow friends to sleep over, etc. : (This is another reason David probably feels he can get away : with being mean to his brother… even when his mom threatens him, : she doesn’t really follow through. It has occurred to me that : maybe he teases Paul in order to provoke his mom.) : Given my limited role in David’s life, I’m not sure what I : should do about the issue with his brother. I do not believe it : would be appropriate for me to make our time or activities together : contingent upon his treating his brother better. I think that would : send the wrong message. He is also not one to be very forthcoming : when anyone tries to have an official kind of "talk" with him : about a subject. He is much better when an issue comes up : spontaneously, or when HE initiates the conversation. He appears : to value my opinions on things and this is where I think the : key might lie. I need to find a way to let him know that I : would be "proud" of him if he treated his brother better, but : without saying it in such a corny way. : His mom and I have tried to say he’ll regret it some day if he continues : to be mean to his brother, but he doesn’t give a hoot about : that. And I admit that if I were his age I’d be just as skeptical. : Any suggestions are much appreciated. By doing nothing : I fear that I am giving unspoken consent. : Thanks, : Joe
Response:
I have been a mentor to a 13yo boy for 1-1/2 years now. Our relationship is excellent, especially considering that to start out this kid had been very reticent in general. We share many interests in common and have great times together. He is more expressive about his feelings, both negative and positive. He has been doing better in school and with friends. There is one problem, though, which is not directly related to our times together but which troubles me. This 13yo boy (I’ll call him David) has a terrible habit of tormenting his 9yo brother about how much weight the younger brother has gained. The younger boy (I’ll call him Paul) is definitely on the hefty side. David never misses a chance to talk about how fat he is, often taunting him in front of his friends. Furthermore, David has started to make an issue of his brother’s weight on the school bus in front of other kids. The only things I can offer up as possible factors are that the boys have to share a bedroom and that Paul, the younger one, tends to copy David when David finds new interests, like this year when yo-yo’s arrived on the scene. David gets frustrated when Paul suddenly turns up with an identical toy or hobby. I also know that David would love to have his own room, but there aren’t enough bedrooms in their house for this to be possible. My sense is that if David had his own room it would help him to feel more independent and less angry. There is definitely a lot of anger there, including toward the mom who does not always act responsibly. The mother has a drinking problem and self-esteem issues with the men she dates and as a result her kids have witnessed things I don’t want to describe. Guilt over her divorce makes her hesitant to really discipline the kids when they act up — she rarely follows through with threats to ground them, not allow friends to sleep over, etc. (This is another reason David probably feels he can get away with being mean to his brother… even when his mom threatens him, she doesn’t really follow through. It has occurred to me that maybe he teases Paul in order to provoke his mom.) Given my limited role in David’s life, I’m not sure what I should do about the issue with his brother. I do not believe it would be appropriate for me to make our time or activities together contingent upon his treating his brother better. I think that would send the wrong message. He is also not one to be very forthcoming when anyone tries to have an official kind of "talk" with him about a subject. He is much better when an issue comes up spontaneously, or when HE initiates the conversation. He appears to value my opinions on things and this is where I think the key might lie. I need to find a way to let him know that I would be "proud" of him if he treated his brother better, but without saying it in such a corny way. His mom and I have tried to say he’ll regret it some day if he continues to be mean to his brother, but he doesn’t give a hoot about that. And I admit that if I were his age I’d be just as skeptical. Any suggestions are much appreciated. By doing nothing I fear that I am giving unspoken consent. Thanks, Joe
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