Question:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >My MIL is disabled from a stroke 2 years ago. She has been fine with my >daughter until she became more active a few months ago. But now that >Melissa is walking she still wants to hold her all the time, which >Melissa (10 mos) will have nothing to do with. I understand that she wants >to be involved with her when we visit (once a week) but she does not >understand that it is just making Melissa angry and fussy. I try to be >tactful and suggest other things but all to no avail. >The thing is that she is getting her mobility back but she is still has >quite poor balance and is not really steady when she is holding Melissa, >especially now that Melissa has started fighting back. >How can I be tactful and tell her Melissa does not want to be held or >should I even try to be tactful and just tell her to stop? >I have asked my husband to try and tell her but he has a tendency to beat >around the bush about it. I don’t feel that she is a danger to Melissa but >it really makes Melissa *angry* when we are there and it doesn’t make me >too happy either … I dread going over there and find all sorts of >reasons to *not* go.
Just say something along the lines of "oh, she won’t let ANYONE hold her now that she wants to walk…she’s much happier if she’s on her own" then put her on the ground. If your MIL insists on holding her, repeat that she’s much happier when she’s not being held, then comment on how well she’s standing on her own, etc. Try to change the subject, but keep it light. If you say that she’s getting upset because your MIL is holding her it’ll make your MIL feel bad, and I’m sure she just wants to be involved, as you say. If she goes to pick her up even after you say these kinds of things you’ll have to be more direct, I guess, but as long as you don’t make it a personal thing it should be okay even if your MIL is a little disgruntled at first. ("Let’s let her stay on the ground and see how she does on her own" or "Once they start walking there’s just no HOLDING them back!) Kara B.
Response:
> Just say something along the lines of "oh, she won’t let ANYONE hold > her now that she wants to walk…she’s much happier if she’s on her > own" then put her on the ground.
One other suggestion is to let her hold your daughter when she’s sleeping (if she’s a heavy sleeper, or when she’s just waking up and a little more placid. She can get the holding time in that way maybe. Wendy W.
Response:
Hi, Julie! Does your mother-in-law have a physical therapist working with her in her stroke recovery? Perhaps that therapist can be enlisted to help teach your mother-in-law some techniques for being close with her granddaughter and allow the granddaughter her freedom of movement too. But don’t stop the visits. Grandmothers, even if they are disabled by strokes, can offer a lot to their grandchildren, such as love, family continuity and an additional role model. If your mother-in-law is able to do it, try playing on the floor with the baby: Spread a quilt on the floor with some toys and allow the baby to play there and you and your mother-in-law and your husband can get down on the baby’s level. Don’t beat around the bush, but nicely but directly tell mother-in-law the obvious. The only real case you have is the child’s and your mother-in-law’s personal safety: If MIL should fall while holding the baby both could be hurt. The baby’s increasing struggles will soon become obvious to your MIL too and eventually she might learn to allow the baby to be herself. Hope it works out for you, but whatever you do be firm, direct _but respectful and loving_ in your approach to all this. MILs/grandmothers have a special place in a child’s life and the MIL/grandmother won’t be around forever. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Newsgroups: misc.kids, alt.parenting.solutions > My MIL is disabled from a stroke 2 years ago. She has been fine with my > daughter until she became more active a few months ago. But now that > Melissa is walking she still wants to hold her all the time, which > Melissa (10 mos) will have nothing to do with. I understand that she wants > to be involved with her when we visit (once a week) but she does not > understand that it is just making Melissa angry and fussy. I try to be > tactful and suggest other things but all to no avail. > The thing is that she is getting her mobility back but she is still has > quite poor balance and is not really steady when she is holding Melissa, > especially now that Melissa has started fighting back. > How can I be tactful and tell her Melissa does not want to be held or > should I even try to be tactful and just tell her to stop? > I have asked my husband to try and tell her but he has a tendency to beat > around the bush about it. I don’t feel that she is a danger to Melissa but > it really makes Melissa *angry* when we are there and it doesn’t make me > too happy either … I dread going over there and find all sorts of > reasons to *not* go. > Any and all help is appreciated! Thanks in advance!!! > julie > "Be true to yourself "All hail the lucky ones > and you will never fall." I refer to those in love." > -Beastie Boys -Pearl Jam > "We all grow better in sunshine and love." -Kathy Davis
–Carol Koster ()~() FidoNet Disney Echo Moderator FDC Walk-Around Minnie Mouse (_) FidoNet E-mail to Rich Koster 1994 FDC Rookie of the Year at 1:3828/1.3 Minnie on EntertainMuck & FDCMuck "….Scourge of Whispering Canyon…" –Graham Allan, Dis’ ‘n’ Dat, October 1994, Volume 2 Number 10, Page 6 "A Life in the Day of rec.arts.disney"
Response:
My MIL is disabled from a stroke 2 years ago. She has been fine with my daughter until she became more active a few months ago. But now that Melissa is walking she still wants to hold her all the time, which Melissa (10 mos) will have nothing to do with. I understand that she wants to be involved with her when we visit (once a week) but she does not understand that it is just making Melissa angry and fussy. I try to be tactful and suggest other things but all to no avail. The thing is that she is getting her mobility back but she is still has quite poor balance and is not really steady when she is holding Melissa, especially now that Melissa has started fighting back. How can I be tactful and tell her Melissa does not want to be held or should I even try to be tactful and just tell her to stop? I have asked my husband to try and tell her but he has a tendency to beat around the bush about it. I don’t feel that she is a danger to Melissa but it really makes Melissa *angry* when we are there and it doesn’t make me too happy either … I dread going over there and find all sorts of reasons to *not* go. Any and all help is appreciated! Thanks in advance!!! julie "Be true to yourself "All hail the lucky ones and you will never fall." I refer to those in love." -Beastie Boys -Pearl Jam "We all grow better in sunshine and love." -Kathy Davis
Response:
Julie, This is a touchy issue! A few thoughts: Once kids get more mobile, they don’t like to be held so this could be a problem even if you MIL didn’t have the stroke. If you are worried about safety at all, you should suggest that your MIL be seated while holding Melissa. I don’t know if this is the case with your MIL but some people that have strokes can also have a problem with judgement and impulsivity. Sometimes they tend to be impulsive and do things without thinking them through (especially those who have had a stroke which affected the left side of their body). I used to work in a rehabilitation center and saw this quite often. This may or may not explain why your MIL insisits on holding Melissa even when it is obvious that she does not want to be held. I don’t think you need to make a big deal about this with you MIL. I assume you don’t want to hurt her feelings. When Melissa starts crying and wiggling when your MIL holds her, try saying nothing (for as long as you can). I would hope that your MIL would get the message loud and clear from Melissa without you having to say a word. If Melissa is anything like my girls, she will definitely find a way to get down from your MIL’s lap!! I know you said you suggest other things but maybe you need to bring a bag of toys, books, crayons etc with you. Say to your MIL, .. "Melissa really likes to read books. Would you read her a book?" or whatever Melissa likes. Or how about all singing songs or telling nursery rhymes. Or how about just a walk around inside the building. I don’t think this will be much of an issue for long .. as you mentioned, Melissa is not too interested in being held now anyway. It will only continue in that direction. But it would be nice if there were some things that the MIL and Melissa could look forward to doing together. Try to keep it positive! I think it is great that you do go to see her once a week! -Kathy Mom to Melissa (4.5) and Julia (2) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->My MIL is disabled from a stroke 2 years ago. She has been fine with my >daughter until she became more active a few months ago. But now that >Melissa is walking she still wants to hold her all the time, which >Melissa (10 mos) will have nothing to do with. I understand that she wants >to be involved with her when we visit (once a week) but she does not >understand that it is just making Melissa angry and fussy. I try to be >tactful and suggest other things but all to no avail. >The thing is that she is getting her mobility back but she is still has >quite poor balance and is not really steady when she is holding Melissa, >especially now that Melissa has started fighting back. >How can I be tactful and tell her Melissa does not want to be held or >should I even try to be tactful and just tell her to stop? >I have asked my husband to try and tell her but he has a tendency to beat >around the bush about it. I don’t feel that she is a danger to Melissa but >it really makes Melissa *angry* when we are there and it doesn’t make me >too happy either … I dread going over there and find all sorts of >reasons to *not* go. >Any and all help is appreciated! Thanks in advance!!! >julie > "Be true to yourself "All hail the lucky ones > and you will never fall." I refer to those in love." > -Beastie Boys -Pearl Jam > "We all grow better in sunshine and love." -Kathy Davis
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