Pure Parents

Question:

Kimberly, Every parent has their own view on pacifiers to one degree ot the other.   My Emily loved her binky, and when she was 6 months old, I started leaving it in her crib, and she could have it there only.  She didn’t mind at all.  I NEVER imagined I’d have a walking child who still used a binky. I kept saying I’d take it at the next milestone "when she’s 18 mos"  But then we were moving from AK to SD, and that would be too stressful  …" when she’s 2" but then she had a brand new baby brother, and that would be too hard on her … It seemed there was ALWAYS something going on.   Sometime before her birthday, She and I decided together that when she turned 4 she would give it up.  So on her 4th birthday, we went to Kmart, and picked out a nice box for it and she made a card that said "dear Grammy, please take care of my binky.  I love it.  I’m 4 years old now and don’t need it anymore. Love Emily"  Then we went to the PO and mailed it to Alaska.  I was bawling as Emily proudly told the postmaster "i’m  4 years old and I’m a big girl now! … Mommy, what’s wrong?"  *sigh* It wasn’t until that night when I was tucking her into bed that she asked about it.  "What is that man going to do with my binky?"  And I explained to her that he was going to put it on an airplane and it would get to Grammy’s house in a few days.  I truly expected a few sleepless nights that I would have to lay with her and comfort her.   But what happened threw me for a loop.  My sweet, happy little angel became a weepy child who refused to fall asleep at naps, and passed out from exhaustion at night, usually while screaming. When she DID sleep at night, she wasn’t resting well.  It was just so sad.  She became angry at me over the loss of her binky.   After 6 months of THAT, I gave her back her binky only for nap time, since she was able to sleep at night, but she really needed her naps still, and wasn’t getting them, because she couldn’t fall asleep.  We made a deal that she could use one for naptime only.  Imediately her behaviour became bearable, but she has never really been the same.  Now she is 6, and doesn’t take naps anymore, but if she did, I’m sure she would be asking for a binky.   In hindsight, I should have let her keep it as long as she needed to.  As long as she isn’t carrying it around all day, (mine wasn’t either) … Taking Emily’s was SO traumatic for her.  I wish I never had. Krystal If evolution really works, then why do mothers have only two arms?       Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.

Response:

I just got around to reading the thread Andrea initiated with her comment on binkys – I guess people have strong feelings where their childrens’ comfort items are concerned.  I don’t understand the hostile and argumentative tone from some people, though.  Isn’t there a newsgroup for arguers?  Anyway, I used to agree with Andrea completely; now I have a 35 month old who turns to her "binkaboos" at the first sign of stress, and CANNOT sleep without them. (she even has to have two-one to hold and one t suck)  I used to think that I would never let my child go beyond 18 months with a pacifier, and when my daughter was that age she used them only for sleeping, and easily made it through the day without them.  So, I thought a gradual decline of binky use would be a piece of cake.  Boy, was I wrong.  The closer she got to age two the more dependent she came, and it only intensified throughout the terrible-twos.  After her baby sister arrived – forget it.  Our rule has always been that binkys are for laying down with, but she doesn’t mind laying down 5, 6, 7 times a day – anytime something goes wrong.  She is handling the stress of a new baby, so part of me thinks who am I to take away her means of comforting herself.   And just lately she’s started asking me for hugs throughout the day, and doesn’t want to stop hugging.   Here’s my point/question:  I’m worried that she doesn’t know how to handle stress any other way, and I don’t know how to teach her.  My husband and I have talked about getting her to give them up soon after she’s three, but honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine how.  It would break my heart to do it suddenly and hear her cry at night.  I’m a softee, and I’m interested in gentle ways of getting children to give up pacifiers.  I like the idea of trading for something special, but wouldn’t want to taint birthday or x-mas with a bad experience.  Has anyone else out there had success in getting three-year-olds to give up the beloved binky?

Response:

Hi Kimberly, You have just described two of my three children. Alexandra has to have two much of the time, and Nicholas would lay down 20 times a day if I would let him. He is down to just at bed time, and then I pull it as soon as he’s asleep. You asked about other options… I read what *I* thought was a great article in one of the parenting magazines. (Parents, I think). It was about the Paci fairy, or maybe Binky, whatever your daughter calls it. They told their son (3 I believe) that it was time for the ‘fairy’ to come and take his paci, but she would leave a gift in return. They even let him offer ’suggestions’. It works the same as the tooth fairy, they leave it under the pillow, and the ‘fairy’ leaves the gift. Well, their story was pretty funny in that the ‘fairy’ forgot to come the first night, and the son ended up negotiating for several gifts. LOL But, the bottom line is, it worked. I don’t recall if it was part of the same story, but I have also heard of telling them that the ‘fairy’ needs it for a new baby about to be born. As for her giving it up now, I believe you have answered your own question. If she would be that upset, then now isn’t the right time for complete removal. When my son started "napping" 10 times a day is when I made him cut back to only at night. However, he wasn’t dealing with a new arrival. We all have comfort items, whether we realize it or not. For some of us it’s caffeine, or chocolate, or a hot bath, or whatever. I personally would do bodily harm to the guy who got between me and my Haagan Daz! Heaven knows none of them will use if forever, and the bottom line? It’s between you, DH, and DD, nobody else. I wish you success if you try to get her off it, and if not, that’s great too! I will check Parents.com and see if the article is there. If it is, I’ll send it to you. GOOD LUCK! Beth BTW, MY kids were never going to have them either – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I just got around to reading the thread Andrea initiated with her comment on > binkys – I guess people have strong feelings where their childrens’ comfort > items are concerned.  I don’t understand the hostile and argumentative tone > from some people, though.  Isn’t there a newsgroup for arguers?  Anyway, I > used to agree with Andrea completely; now I have a 35 month old who turns to > her "binkaboos" at the first sign of stress, and CANNOT sleep without them. > (she even has to have two-one to hold and one t suck)  I used to think that > I would never let my child go beyond 18 months with a pacifier, and when my > daughter was that age she used them only for sleeping, and easily made it > through the day without them.  So, I thought a gradual decline of binky use > would be a piece of cake.  Boy, was I wrong.  The closer she got to age two > the more dependent she came, and it only intensified throughout the > terrible-twos.  After her baby sister arrived – forget it.  Our rule has > always been that binkys are for laying down with, but she doesn’t mind > laying down 5, 6, 7 times a day – anytime something goes wrong.  She is > handling the stress of a new baby, so part of me thinks who am I to take > away her means of comforting herself.   And just lately she’s started asking > me for hugs throughout the day, and doesn’t want to stop hugging.   Here’s > my point/question:  I’m worried that she doesn’t know how to handle stress > any other way, and I don’t know how to teach her.  My husband and I have > talked about getting her to give them up soon after she’s three, but > honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine how.  It would break my heart to do > it suddenly and hear her cry at night.  I’m a softee, and I’m interested in > gentle ways of getting children to give up pacifiers.  I like the idea of > trading for something special, but wouldn’t want to taint birthday or x-mas > with a bad experience.  Has anyone else out there had success in getting > three-year-olds to give up the beloved binky?

Response:

She will give it up when she is emotionally ready. As children get older they will learn better or different coping mechanisms. You can help by teaching her one way by example. How do you cope with your stress? Is there a way to break that down to what your daughter can use. And why add more stress to her life by telling her she must give it up. Good luck. Tricia and baby Sarah – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I just got around to reading the thread Andrea initiated with her comment on > binkys – I guess people have strong feelings where their childrens’ comfort > items are concerned.  I don’t understand the hostile and argumentative tone > from some people, though.  Isn’t there a newsgroup for arguers?  Anyway, I > used to agree with Andrea completely; now I have a 35 month old who turns to > her "binkaboos" at the first sign of stress, and CANNOT sleep without them. > (she even has to have two-one to hold and one t suck)  I used to think that > I would never let my child go beyond 18 months with a pacifier, and when my > daughter was that age she used them only for sleeping, and easily made it > through the day without them.  So, I thought a gradual decline of binky use > would be a piece of cake.  Boy, was I wrong.  The closer she got to age two > the more dependent she came, and it only intensified throughout the > terrible-twos.  After her baby sister arrived – forget it.  Our rule has > always been that binkys are for laying down with, but she doesn’t mind > laying down 5, 6, 7 times a day – anytime something goes wrong.  She is > handling the stress of a new baby, so part of me thinks who am I to take > away her means of comforting herself.   And just lately she’s started asking > me for hugs throughout the day, and doesn’t want to stop hugging.   Here’s > my point/question:  I’m worried that she doesn’t know how to handle stress > any other way, and I don’t know how to teach her.  My husband and I have > talked about getting her to give them up soon after she’s three, but > honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine how.  It would break my heart to do > it suddenly and hear her cry at night.  I’m a softee, and I’m interested in > gentle ways of getting children to give up pacifiers.  I like the idea of > trading for something special, but wouldn’t want to taint birthday or x-mas > with a bad experience.  Has anyone else out there had success in getting > three-year-olds to give up the beloved binky?

Response:

I’ve been reading over the last few posts and thought I’d throw in my opinion. I took the binky away at 7 months. Devon would throw a fit if it fell out of his mouth. I looked at it as not a comfort thing, but a habit.  I was telling my mom about his *fits* and she told me I was exagerating. Well, we went shopping one day and saw for herself. He had to have it in his mouth 24-7. He would wake up the minute it fell out of his mouth. I’m a SAHM and he’s the only child, so it’s not like he’s getting shoved aside.  He’s 10 months old.  He has a lovey that he sleeps with, so that’s kinda taken the place of the binky. Don’t get on a guilt trip about wether or not your baby has a binky. My SIL would make snide coments about Dev and the binky. Saying things like, "I wonder why he needs it so bad? He’s too young to feel that unsecure. He should feel secure around you, shouldn’t he?" And then she would give me a little smirk. One of the main reasons I took the binky away at such an early age is, I saw friends of mine trying to take their 2 and 3 year old kids off the binky. Every single one of them told me the sooner the better.  I’ve read anything I could get my hands on about parenting and come to this conclusion…no matter what I do, I’m doing something wrong! Missie Mom to Devon Raine

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’ve been reading over the last few posts and thought I’d throw in my opinion. > I took the binky away at 7 months. Devon would throw a fit if it fell out of > his mouth. I looked at it as not a comfort thing, but a habit.  I was telling > my mom about his *fits* and she told me I was exagerating. Well, we went > shopping one day and saw for herself. > He had to have it in his mouth 24-7. He would wake up the minute it fell out of > his mouth. > I’m a SAHM and he’s the only child, so it’s not like he’s getting shoved aside. >  He’s 10 months old.  He has a lovey that he sleeps with, so that’s kinda taken > the place of the binky. > Don’t get on a guilt trip about wether or not your baby has a binky. My SIL > would make snide coments about Dev and the binky. Saying things like, "I wonder > why he needs it so bad? He’s too young to feel that unsecure. He should feel > secure around you, shouldn’t he?" And then she would give me a little smirk. > One of the main reasons I took the binky away at such an early age is, I saw > friends of mine trying to take their 2 and 3 year old kids off the binky. Every > single one of them told me the sooner the better.

We took the approach of choosing our battles, mainly because our son has special needs and it was simply counter-productive to try and battle every single thing that was upsetting, annoying, etc. etc. One of the battles we chose NOT to have is the pacifier battle. Therefore, our son had his until he was 3.7 yo and agreed to give it to Santa for a special gift. Of course, by then he was showing signs of not needing it as much and HE was very agreeable to this approach. We discussed it for several months and HE never wavered in his decision, even though he was a bit apprehensive. Our daughter is now 3.9 yo and has 3 or 4 pacifiers, stashed all over the house. She is NOT showing signs of readiness and is NOT agreeing to exchanging it for a special gift, unless it means giving up only one and keeping the others. However, her friend, who just turned 4 last week-end, mentionned and questionned the pacifiers a few times and Genevieve is now "starting" to show signs of wavering: she often mentions going to sleep without it. I think that, like self-weaning, when the child is ready the child will give it up, even if it takes a little encouragement. >  I’ve read anything I could get my hands on about parenting and come to this > conclusion…no matter what I do, I’m doing something wrong!

Wow, you’ve come to that conclusion very early in parent-hood!!! However, unfortunately, I have to agree with you:(. — Danielle, Maman to Marc-Andre – May 22, 1991 and Genevieve – Dec. 18, 1995 and recently weaned Writing from Canada Parent-L Birth secretary Visit my new web-page, view new pics of the kids, and, please, sign my guest-book!! http://members.tripod.com/~dchenier/home.html My ICQ # is 6463692 Canadian Special Education Chat Room – http://members.tripod.com/~dchenier/canspec.html &canspec ICQ # 33710657

Response:

binky away at such an early age is, I saw > friends of mine trying to take their 2 and 3 year old kids off the binky. Every > single one of them told me the sooner the better.

When it was too late, someone told me that once they can say the word (binky, paci, fafa, whatever), you have had it.  I wish I had realized that sooner — Hanna weaned herself of it at 5 months (her first cold) but my boys will be three next month and although I’m not inclined to take it away (they only have it for nap and bed) I *wish* they would give it up. So that would be my advice to anyone with non-verbal kids.  Just be rid of it asap. >  I’ve read anything I could get my hands on about parenting and come to this > conclusion…no matter what I do, I’m doing something wrong!

Yup. –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

Response:

Personally, I never gave my son pacifier….he never really seemed to need it…I guess I was just lucky…he never sucked his thumb either. Just thought I’d share. -RN

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > binky away at such an early age is, I saw > friends of mine trying to take their 2 and 3 year old kids off the binky. > Every > single one of them told me the sooner the better. > When it was too late, someone told me that once they can say the word > (binky, paci, fafa, whatever), you have had it.  I wish I had realized that > sooner — Hanna weaned herself of it at 5 months (her first cold) but my > boys will be three next month and although I’m not inclined to take it away > (they only have it for nap and bed) I *wish* they would give it up. > So that would be my advice to anyone with non-verbal kids.  Just be rid of > it asap. >  I’ve read anything I could get my hands on about parenting and come to > this > conclusion…no matter what I do, I’m doing something wrong! > Yup. > –Janet > Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

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