Pure Parents

Question:

>do with your child/children and not so much comes out of a book. I’m just >intrested in if you thought you where well informed about the truth about >having a baby or was it all a huge shock

I’m rather new to alt.parenting.solutions but this thread has really caught my attention.  I was a first time mother somewhat later (32 years old) and I really went all out in the "preparation" of having a baby.  I read alot (same type of books already mentioned) and I also attended several weeks of classes given at the hospital.  These classes were incredibly valuable.  They went through all the stages of labor, care of a newborn, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, bathing, etc…..  I was amazed at how much good information I received from these meetings.  I’ve babysat, etc. like others have mentioned but I knew there had to be some down to earth, flat basic functions that I didn’t have to find out from my baby (and I do mean BASIC – they even went as far to describe the changes in the newborn’s bowel movements!  )  The information was presented in a very even handed way – no suggestions or hints of any alterior motives or hidden agendas.  Just basic information.  And I was really glad because there was an awful lot that no one can prepare you for  – I was just glad that I knew what to expect from some things!  I highly recommend anyone checking into it. Kerrie (ma to kory) Kerrie (ma to Kory) Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges.  Cats have the courage to live by them.  –  Jim Davis, American Cartoonist

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>I read a lot during the first few months but then >came to realize a couple of things: First, I found I knew >how to do things instinctively as long as I needed to >know how to do them. When I had a newborn, I knew >how to feed and dress and hold a newborn. I don’t >really have a feel for that any more. But I _do_ know >how to feed and dress and hold a 3-year-old. Because >that’s what I need to know how to do now. When he’s >six I probably will have forgotten his 3-year-old needs . . .

I was amazed by something that happened at the babysitters the other day. My daughter, Kory, is 3 years old now and the oldest at the sitters.  The other children are just now approaching talking/interaction age.  I was getting Kory and the other little boy kept wanting to put his hat on and was saying "mama – mama"   I was standing there trying to explain that his mama wasn’t there yet.  I finally gave up!  I told the babysitter that I had forgotten how to argue with a 1 year old!  And I really had!  Like Dbenya says, I will probably forget how to deal with 3 year olds when my daughter is six! Kerrie (ma to kory) Kerrie (ma to Kory) Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges.  Cats have the courage to live by them.  –  Jim Davis, American Cartoonist

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Where I’m from, Michigan, USA, I think most parents expecting their first child take a prenatal childbirth class offered by their local hospital or doctor.  The  class we took covered the basic "birth" experience and also discussed the necessary *lifestyle* adjustments that having a totally dependent little baby would require.  One "exercise" involved listening to a tape of a  screaming infant for 15 minutes, and writing down as many things that we could do to calm it. These ideas were then presented for discussion.  Another "exercise" was to chart around a 24-hour circle every time that YOU ate, snacked, drank, went to the bathroom, etc…  (I realized that every 2 hours wasn’t really *that* unreasonable of a timeframe for a baby to expect to be fed…) Basic infant care was covered in an extension class, offered at the hospital after the birth of the baby.  We opted not to take it.  The hospital also had videos on babycare that you could watch on the tv in your room (but since these days most people are in and out in 24 hours, I don’t think that watching tv is really the best way to learn these things!)   After the newborn stage, most people I know rely on family, magazines, or books for information on what to expect and how to deal with it… Overall, I can’t think of any parents I know who don’t depend primarily on their own instinct.  I think most people realize that for every book/expert that says to do "A", there is another book/expert that says to do "B"… Incidentally, I don’t think that trying to be as "book-learned" as possible concerning child and baby care necessarily means that we are uptight, or otherwise not at ease with our situation…  I think it just means that we want the *very best* possible for our children, and with child development research rapidly evolving, who really knows what this is anymore? Sally S.

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>I am writing this thread as I am intrested in trying to understand the lack >of knowledge there seems to be in the U.S.A. about what having a baby is >all about and how to get information on the subject.     [snip] >I’m just intrested in if you thought you where well informed about the truth >about having a baby or was it all a huge shock.

I am the oldest child in our family, and learned how to look after babies when I took care of my younger brothers & sisters.  Once I was thirteen, I earned extra money as a babysitter, and learned more while taking care of other people’s children.  I knew how much work it was to take care of babies and young children, and didn’t have children of my own until I was in my 30’s. Some of my friends thought that being a mother came "naturally" to me, but it was really the result of my early experience. My youngest sister grew up among people who were her age or older.  When she was a teenager, there were no babies or young children in our neighborhood for her to babysit.  She didn’t have the opportunity to be around babies until she was in nursing school, and had classes on taking care of infants and young patients. If she hadn’t had nurses training, she might not have been exposed to baby and child care until she had her own. Although we were raised by the same family (a British mother and American dad), my younger sister and I had vastly different experiences learning to take care of babies & children. If there is a difference between USAn parents and other countries, it may be because in recent years families here tend to be made up of one or two parents and a smaller number of children.  We don’t have the large extended families where children grow up around grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, where children are exposed to all age groups.  My husband and I live far from the towns where we grew up.  Our children only see their grandparents a few times a year, and they have little exposure to babies.  The only times they see babies are at church or daycare, and the babies are carefully segregated from the older children.  How will they learn to take care of babies?  Good question. Leigh.

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>do with your child/children and not so much comes out of a book. I’m just >intrested in if you thought you where well informed about the truth about >having a baby or was it all a huge shock.

I’m from the USA, and I will admit that I was pretty well uninformed about babies and what I was doing.  What made this bad was that I was a schoolteacher who had double majored in elementary and special education.  I had spent many years babysitting, as well as years teaching in the classroom.  One little baby blew everything I knew about kids out of the water!  The hospital told me some things, but they didn’t tell me enough.  My mother and mother-in-law gave me all kinds of conflicting advice.  I pretty much relied on parental instinct and What to Expect in the First Year, and my little girl is doing fine.  I’ve figured it out, but for the first few months, I was out of my league! Julie Barnson

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THE BABY BOOK by Dr. William Sears is an outstanding resource for new parents.  It covers kids from birth through age 2 and much of the information is a natural extension of our own instincts and common sense. I found many of his ideas and suggestions worked like a charm for my baby and me. ~RUTH

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On the one hand, there is common sense.  Dr. Spock sold the most books in history not so much because of his advice (which was fine) but because of his famous first sentence: "You know more than you think you know."  Yet many parents want to do better than what they grew up with, but don’t know how.  And, just like music, some people are born with perfect pitch, some are tone deaf, and everyone else has to practice their scales.  In the old days, we lived in multi-generational households, and got the wisdom from our parents and grandparents (and some babysitting, too).   Now, we rely on Penelope Leach, Faber & Mazlish, and others (like this group, a sort of high-tech quilting bee) so we don’t have to learn everything from our own experience. Nell Minow The Movie Mom http://pages.prodigy.com/VA/rcpj55a/moviemom.html

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>do with your child/children and not so much comes out of a book. I’m just >intrested in if you thought you where well informed about the truth about >having a baby or was it all a huge shock.

During my pregnancy I had a lot of concern about being able to take care of my child. Would I recognize when he was hungry, thirsty, sick, tired and so on. And then would I know what to do about it? I read a lot during the first few months but then came to realize a couple of things: First, I found I knew how to do things instinctively as long as I needed to know how to do them. When I had a newborn, I knew how to feed and dress and hold a newborn. I don’t really have a feel for that any more. But I _do_ know how to feed and dress and hold a 3-year-old. Because that’s what I need to know how to do now. When he’s six I probably will have forgotten his 3-year-old needs . . . Second, someone said to me: It’s just like getting to know anyone else you’ve never met before. Zane’s needs are sometimes a little more dramatic than those of people I met when they were a little older. But whenever he’s doing something crazy or new or bad or wonderful, I try to remember to react less and think more about what I know of this this person who happens now to be my child. It really helps.

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I naturally love to read, especially when I have no first hand knowledge about something, I think the best way to get informed is to read about it, so I read alot of books on different subject matters.  When I was pregnant, I read several books, What to Expect When You Are Expecting, The Miracle of Life and several others.  Sfter my son was born, I read What to Expect the First Year, What To Expect the Toddler Years and The Boy Book, Toddler Taming, to name a few.  But I also went on natural insticts.  I did not want to breast feed, so I didn’t.  I had a hime nurse come visit me a few days after my baby was born, and she gave me excellent advice, which I used.  But like another poster said, here in the US, we basically learn the way parents do anywhere else, we try and try and fail and suceed, with stick with what works and throw out what doesn’t. I am 22, I live in California, my son is now almost 3. Jenelle "May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead!!!"

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I am writing this thread as I am intrested in trying to understand the lack of knowledge there seems to be in the U.S.A. about what having a baby is all about and how to get information on the subject. I know this is not true of the whole nation but some of the threads written in this group stagger me. I know they do the whole business of pregnancy here in England differently then in U.S.A but the lack of basic knowledge by the U.S.A. threads is a bit worrying. There seems to be a lot more understanding that the perfect baby dosn’t exist and a lot less hang-up’s over here. The English seem to take parental instinct as the normal way to decide what to do with your child/children and not so much comes out of a book. I’m just intrested in if you thought you where well informed about the truth about having a baby or was it all a huge shock. People from all countries and cultures please reply as it would be nice to get a good mixture of thoughts.   —

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As a subscriber to this newsgroup, I think that I, like most parents, rely on my instincts for parenting, but I guess we all come across challenges with our children that we came across in our own childhood, or didn’t like the way our parents handled it when we did. I think the whold issue of parenting is going through a major change in the US;  fathers are now more involved for the most part than they were a generation ago. In addition, I think that our society as a whole is evolving toward a more gentle approach, versus the stricter, corporal punishment approach that was used in the past both by parents and in schools.  When the gov’t. outlawed corporal punishment in the schools (Sorry I’m not sure what year this happened, somewhere in the 1970’s I think), it raised our national awareness that there are other and BETTER ways to discipline. As a result many of us are struggling to find our way in unchartted waters;  I think it always helps to bounce ideas off of others who are in the some boat and then make a vigilant decision.  Using books and reading this newsgroup are good ways to educate ourselves so that we can be the best parents possible. –  Terri G.    Mommy to Alex, age 5, and Juliana, age 6 mos.

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