Pure Parents

Question:

How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was done.

Response:

 Stop what you are doing. Take the child’s face in your hands, and make eye contact. Speak once you’re certain you have eye contact. If you have a request, ask ONE time. If the child does not comply, once again, stop what you are doing and physically make the child obey your wishes. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I >constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was >done.

Response:

If this works then go for a hearing test with an ENT. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Stop what you are doing. Take the child’s face in your hands, and make eye >contact. Speak once you’re certain you have eye contact. If you have a >request, ask ONE time. If the child does not comply, once again, stop what >you are doing and physically make the child obey your wishes. >How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I >constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was >done.

Response:

>How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I

constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was done. Star. It is difficult to give any really specific advice with so little information (age of your kids, what kinds of things you are trying to have them do, other issues, etc.), but I have worked with children and adolescents (and parents) for twenty years, and often times what I have found is that parents unwittingly "teach" their children that they don’t have to respond unless a request is made very loudly, usually several times… (example – how often does the parent say, "I am not going to tell you again…" about 5 times…).  If your children are at an age where this might make sense, it might help to sit them down and develop some new "ground rules", ones in which your needs are that you only have to ask once, will use a normal tone of voice, and that you will lay out consequences (BOTH positive and negative) when your children do cooperate or fail to do so. The requests you make must be specific (action or behavior, time limit, etc.). However, it is also VERY important that the kids also have their say… let them add some reasonable items to the mix of the groundrules. Having them help in the development of the rules/plan is a very important step. Then, once the rules are set and written down perhaps, you might even have all parties sign them, much like a contract. And then, it is crucially important that you stick to your guns. If you ask the children to clean up their room before watching television, there is no way you should deviate (or tell them again) from that request. Hope this helps, Steven Dykstra, MS, CH, CCC/SLP Trek Associates PO Box 110, Palmer, MA 01069 Tel/Fax: 413 283 6645 Subscribe to our FREE emailed New England Hypnosis Newsletter! URL: http://pages.prodigy.com/checknsee/trek.html

Response:

>How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I >constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was >done.

It all depends on how old your kids are…We believe in "reality discipline" sometimes called "natural consequences".  A great example of this–one evening I was at work and my husband cooked supper for himself and our 2 kids.  They were outside playing.  When it was time to eat, he went out and told them it was time to come in for supper.  He made eye contact and they said "OK", so he knew they heard him.  Well, after about 5 minutes and they hadn’t come in.  Rather than tell them again,  he sat down and ate supper all by himself!  Then he cleared the food all away.  They went without supper.  Sometimes a shock like this will teach that we should only have to say something once.  Missing supper is a natural consequence for not coming when called.  They may be hungry for one evening, but children (and adults!) sometimes need to be uncomfortable before they learn.  Sure beats telling them 5 times to come inside.

Response:

First stop screaming, kids adapt wonderfully to include negative consequence.  I remember when I heard just my first name called, no big deal; my first and second name I got ready to respond and paid enough attention to half know what was expected;  but when my mother called (hollered) my first, middle, and last name she got my full undivided attention.  I knew that although the second stage was a precursor to the final, there was still plenty of time left. We taught our kids to always give a verbal acknowledgment to a request or command. "Yes Mommy" or "Yes Daddy" suffice in our house, a partner of mine actually uses "Yes Sir / Ma’am".  Our little one was even doing it prior to speaking, it went something like "ut d’dy"  :) This eliminates the doubt, and makes failure to comply a conscious choice that they can’t wriggle out of. ( not that kids would ever try to do so )  We will then "refocus" them once, if they initially complied.  But if they out and out blow it off, or walk off again the consequences start without fail. The "without fail" is the most crucial part. Good Luck and God Bless …. — Bruce T. Wilson Christian / AANR Frame-Up Photography  San Antonio, TX http://frameup.home.texas.net (2 Tim 1:7 KJV)  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I > constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was > done.

Response:

I know what you mean. BUt the first thing you have to do is sit down and realise that the louder you yell today the louder and louder you will have to yell next week. Go back to basics. . . . start to talk really really quietly. You will be amazed how a quiet voice generates way more attention.  Of course I know it’s not easy, but what’s the alternative ? ALso don;t even start a sentance until you know you have attention.  get them to ‘look’ at you when you talk.  And only talk when they ‘look’. Keep stopping if they look away.  And if it is not working then start assuming you have been heard when you say it once and proceed with what you plan to do.  When they complain, you say " I said it once, and that’s all I am going to say from now on". But it’s not going to work in a day or two. Ziggy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I > constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was > done.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I know what you mean. BUt the first thing you have to do is sit down and > realise that the louder you yell today the louder and louder you will > have to yell next week. > Go back to basics. . . . start to talk really really quietly. You will > be amazed how a quiet voice generates way more attention.  Of course I > know it’s not easy, but what’s the alternative ? > ALso don;t even start a sentance until you know you have attention.  get > them to ‘look’ at you when you talk.  And only talk when they ‘look’. > Keep stopping if they look away.  And if it is not working then start > assuming you have been heard when you say it once and proceed with what > you plan to do.  When they complain, you say " I said it once, and > that’s all I am going to say from now on". > But it’s not going to work in a day or two. > Ziggy > How do I get my kids attention without yelling and screaming at them?  I > constantly find my self having to yell until what I wanted them to do was > done.

Great advice above — and let me stress the part about not working in a day or two.  The secret to effective parenting is patience — you follow through 10 times 100 times if necessary until the point it made.  Most disciplinary problems occur when parents change their response every couple of days because ‘that didn’t work.’  If you say it once and follow through each time — it will work in the long run.  Yelling begets more yelling and kids who are thoroughly ‘parent deaf’ and defiant.

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