Pure Parents

Question:

i would let him keep his room the way he wants.  Let him know that if he makes messes in other parts of the house he needs to help clean them up. Another idea is to offer to help him clean it.  Maybe the idea is too overwhelming and he does not know where to start.  Instead of "clean up your room" Say "would you put the dirty clothes in the hamper and put all the legos away" I saw on one of my lists where one kid picks up all the "living" another picks up the "extinct" and she (the mom) picks up inanimate.  this makes it more of a game instead of a *chore*

Response:

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Response:

Hi, Linda,   I replied to the original poster, but I’ll write again about what I do, as my older son, now 12, is similar to your daughter.  With both my boys, I let them know that if I ask them to pick up their things and they don’t do it, then Mommy picks up and those things disappear.   One thing that may help – are you there providing moral support and giving Kelly suggestions as to how to organize the job?  I read somewhere that kids under nine or so cannot really manage many jobs completely on their own, even jobs that seem fairly straightforward and simple to us.  It helps if a grownup is there to give the child ideas on where to put things, or how to get started.  I have suggested to my older son (like Kelly, he keeps his room an absolute rat-heap) that he pick up all the clothes and put them in the hamper or drawers or closet (wherever suitable) first.  That clears alot of floor space immediately so the job doesn’t seem so formidable to him.  Once that is done, I suggest he pick up all the books and put them on the shelf. Then pick up all the paper and toss that in his wastebasket.  And so on. It seems to help my son even now, at 12, to have the job broken down into all those little steps.     Rewards and punishments like grounding never worked for him either.  I try not to make a big deal about his room every day as long as he picks up the rest of the house, but when it gets so cluttered in there that I have to hack my way in with a machete to change his sheets, we then insist on his cleaning up before the computer or TV go on.  (With him that usually works.)   Our house rule is that no food goes outside the kitchen, so at least there is nothing rotting up there in his pigsty.   I don’t know what advice to offer about Kelly’s physical carrying on when you go in with the big bag.  Would she react the same way if the toys disappear when she is away at school?  My son’s temper tantrums have put a hole in his wall, broken his window and our car windshield.  The only thing we could think of to do was to require him to pay for the damage, which came from his savings, and he lost his allowance for a long, long time.     Ultimately, it is your home and you have the right to insist that it be kept clean.  When my son answers, "But it’s MY room!"  I remind him that, like his schoolbooks, it is NOT his property – it is provided for his use and he is obligated to keep it in decent condition.  If he doesn’t pick up, then I will, and the articles will disappear.  At 12, he wants his privacy and doesn’t want to give his mother any reason to be snooping around in his room, so sometimes that motivates him to clean up before I come in there. Guess that wouldn’t  work with Kelly at her age, but keep it in mind if she still gives you trouble in a couple more years!   – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am having the same problem with my Kelly, except that she is *eight* > years old.  It’s been going on seemingly forever.  Nothing works. > Rewards don’t motivate her and punishments don’t motivate her.  She > doesn’t care that her friends can’t visit.  She doesn’t care that she > wasn’t allowed outside on such a beautiful day today.  She doesn’t care > that I have a big surprise gift waiting for her when her room is clean. > It’s bad enough that I can’t even walk in her room for all the layers of > garbage, but then she has no space, so the junk spills over into the > rest of the house, which is pretty small.  When I get frustrated enough > to go in with a big bag to take things away, she starts screaming > hysterically and pulling on me and hitting me.  Today she even ripped my > shirt.  Then she promises, "I will, I will," but her promises no longer > mean anything.  Then I get more frustrated because she’s not telling the > truth.  Except for this problem, she’s basically a good, obedient little > girl, but this is tearing us up.  I find it hard enough to be > breadwinner, cook, bottlewasher, teacher, and mom–I’m not willing to be > maid, too.  It’s not good for me, and it teaches her all the wrong > things.  But I don’t know what to do. > — > Linda > I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few.

Response:

> I have a never ending battle with my 4 1/2 year old over clean up time > and now my 2 1/2 year old is starting to refuse clean up, and yet I > will have to no doubt go through it all over again when Zac is old > enough to know what he is doing.

I am having the same problem with my Kelly, except that she is *eight* years old.  It’s been going on seemingly forever.  Nothing works. Rewards don’t motivate her and punishments don’t motivate her.  She doesn’t care that her friends can’t visit.  She doesn’t care that she wasn’t allowed outside on such a beautiful day today.  She doesn’t care that I have a big surprise gift waiting for her when her room is clean. It’s bad enough that I can’t even walk in her room for all the layers of garbage, but then she has no space, so the junk spills over into the rest of the house, which is pretty small.  When I get frustrated enough to go in with a big bag to take things away, she starts screaming hysterically and pulling on me and hitting me.  Today she even ripped my shirt.  Then she promises, "I will, I will," but her promises no longer mean anything.  Then I get more frustrated because she’s not telling the truth.  Except for this problem, she’s basically a good, obedient little girl, but this is tearing us up.  I find it hard enough to be breadwinner, cook, bottlewasher, teacher, and mom–I’m not willing to be maid, too.  It’s not good for me, and it teaches her all the wrong things.  But I don’t know what to do. — Linda I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few.

Response:

My philosophy has become "life is short, relax and enjoy."  Granted, I’ve never been a terrific housekeeper, but I let my 2-yr-old get as many books and toys out as he wants, as long as he’s playing with them.  Then I spend 15 minutes or so after bedtime putting things away so that I wake up to a clean house.  I only have the one child, and I’m sure it snowballs with two, but right now, I just kinda let our entire house be a child-safe zone – there’s lots of time for a perfectly clean house after they’re gone.  :) Marla

Response:

>Of course, if the toys aren’t put away, well then they are telling me they >aren’t ready to have them out yet. I let them know in a matter-of-fact way >that this is the case. >A big key is that I have an infinite number of reactions to pick from in >this situation. I choose not to get angry (I AM frustrated) because that is >not what I want to convey. (Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Maybe, >from a 5 year old’s perspective, the task of picking up ALL THOSE toys is >daunting. We’ve often had to go to the 2 toy rule. If you want to play with >a 3rd, put 1 away, otherwise it doesn’t take long for ALL the toys to come >out (which DOES take a long time to put away). Think what you can do to >make it easier/better for him.)

My husband’s theory too is only two toys at a time but how do you tell a 2 1/2 year old that, especially when him and his 4 1/2 year old sister are having a "Tea Party" you definately need more than two items for that game.  Also they help the 11 mth. old play with his shape sorters and stacking cups while they are playing their own games.  Most toys are made of more than two parts all a part of learning and development. I have a never ending battle with my 4 1/2 year old over clean up time and now my 2 1/2 year old is starting to refuse clean up, and yet I will have to no doubt go through it all over again when Zac is old enough to know what he is doing. Helen.

Response:

>My husband’s theory too is only two toys at a time but how do you tell >a 2 1/2 year old that, especially when him and his 4 1/2 year old >sister are having a "Tea Party" you definately need more than two >items for that game.  Also they help the 11 mth. old play with his >shape sorters and stacking cups while they are playing their own >games.  Most toys are made of more than two parts all a part of >learning and development.

Hi Helen, We have a variation on your rule, each child has 1 thing out at a time, but the cutlery & crockery etc. count as one toy, the duplo is one toy, etc.  There are days when everything ends up out, but most of the time it works (when I have the patience to enforce it!) — Bernice

Response:

Rewards teach children to get something, and to only do "chores" because they’re getting something.   Children need a sense of belonging, and when chores are presented as "something we all do because we all live here and we coudn’t make this household work without EVERYONE", children feel needed and important.  For lack of compliance in picking up toys, I suggest the logical consequence:  toys are taken away if you are not responsible enough to pick them up. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > My question, though, is what do you do when your child (5 > years old) would rather sit in his room all day and the next etc. than pick > up his toys? > At age 5 rewards work real well. I end up buying stuff for my kids anyway. > why not make them earn it? Do a small chart full of little boxes. Give them > checks for chores completed and tell them when they finish the chart you’ll > buy them something. I know some people don’t like rewards. But I think they > can be useful in teaching your child to work and earn privileges etc. PLUS, > it cuts down on your anger and yelling and punishing which gets nowhere. > The charts work great for my 7 year old and we’ve used them for a year now. > she fills them up in a week or two and sometimes asks to do add’l chores to > earn more checks. I don’t have to buy her anything expensive just something > simple or perhaps do something special together with just her. > Hope this helps! > M&D

Response:

Gary & Layle: Rewards teach children to get something, and to only do "chores" because they’re getting something. I knew people would object to the rewards but actually don’t we ALL do chores because we’re getting something? When I clean my house my reward is I can find things and be more efficient.  My daughter has realized this too. As she cleans up she sometimes finds a toy she has been looking for. Besides, I’ve tried taking away the toys and it hasn’t worked. She’s like the parent who complained their child didn’t mind to stay in their room. Plain and simple it just didn’t work for her. As I’ve said, I end up buying things for her and taking her on occassions out to get happy meals with little toys. She just feels good about having earned it. Eventually one earns things in life through hard work. It could be status, education or money but we all work to get rewards. It’s not such a terrible thing. Besides, they love it and there’s less screaming and punishing. M&D

Response:

I’m making the assumption that the toys are not in his room, but a littered elsewhere in the house. Give him the choice: "You may pick them up, or I will pick them. However, if _I_ pick them up, I’m putting them into a grocery bag, and they’ll sit in the garage." Now, depending on your motivations, the child will get them back. Some parents say kids must do chores to ‘earn’ them back. I let mine know that tomorrow they will get another chance to show me that, yes indeed they do know how to put things away. So I let them pick out an item to play with. If it’s put away at bed time, they’ll get another opportunity to have more. (The next day, I will help retrieve several toys, and put them away _with_ them. They are ‘in charge’ though, and tell me where the toys go. I am not their handmaiden.) Of course, if the toys aren’t put away, well then they are telling me they aren’t ready to have them out yet. I let them know in a matter-of-fact way that this is the case. A big key is that I have an infinite number of reactions to pick from in this situation. I choose not to get angry (I AM frustrated) because that is not what I want to convey. (Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Maybe, from a 5 year old’s perspective, the task of picking up ALL THOSE toys is daunting. We’ve often had to go to the 2 toy rule. If you want to play with a 3rd, put 1 away, otherwise it doesn’t take long for ALL the toys to come out (which DOES take a long time to put away). Think what you can do to make it easier/better for him.) Thanks for your time, Glen

Response:

My question, though, is what do you do when your child (5 years old) would rather sit in his room all day and the next etc. than pick up his toys? At age 5 rewards work real well. I end up buying stuff for my kids anyway. why not make them earn it? Do a small chart full of little boxes. Give them checks for chores completed and tell them when they finish the chart you’ll buy them something. I know some people don’t like rewards. But I think they can be useful in teaching your child to work and earn privileges etc. PLUS, it cuts down on your anger and yelling and punishing which gets nowhere. The charts work great for my 7 year old and we’ve used them for a year now. she fills them up in a week or two and sometimes asks to do add’l chores to earn more checks. I don’t have to buy her anything expensive just something simple or perhaps do something special together with just her. Hope this helps! M&D

Response:

We also insist that work be done before play.  When our now 6 year old chooses to stay in her room because she hasn’t picked up, she misses meals, games, friends who come over, etc.  She is very stubborn and has tested us on this.  We say that we don’t care how long it takes to pick up or get dressed or whatever, she just can’t leave her room until its done.  Some Saturdays she does stay in there all morning, rather than getting dressed. Occasionally, she has missed lunch.  This is called reality discipline–she has made the choice to miss everything else that is going on.  We also think that she enjoys the relaxed time of playing in her pajamas all morning without us nagging at her.  If that’s what she wants to do, thats her choice.  Getting back to the original question, in reality discipline, there’s very little anger and yelling on the parents’ part–just quietly explaining the facts. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> .   >   Another thing which works when they balk at doing these little chores, > including getting in their pajamas and brushing teeth, is to insist that > the jobs get done before story-time or game-with-mommy time or computer > time – whatever play they want, their jobs must be done first.   They have > the choice of doing the job and then having funtime, or not doing the job > and having no funtime.  Usually they make the ‘right’ choice (and make > their Mommy a happy woman!).   > …  I am beginning to differentiate irritation from > anger and trying to respond to my kids in a quieter way than shouting. I > agree whole-heartedly with the notion of offering choices and try to do > that > whenever I can.  My question, though, is what do you do when your child > (5 > years old) would rather sit in his room all day and the next etc. than > pick > up his toys?

Response:

>I learned that this thing of keeping cool and offering the child options >works brilliantly.  Almost every situation . . . ."

Right on! A good friend once told me, all you do is offer a choice. Say to them, "I don’t care which one you choose" (example: you can either put away your toys and we can go outside and play OR you can cry and whine about it and go in your room until you’re ready to pick them up, then no outdoor play. Either way, you pick up your toys.)  If they pick the first choice, I’ll say, "good choice! I knew you’d make a wise decision! Let’s clean up and go outside and play) Choices work well, and show no emotion either way.

Response:

>Amen…My daughter and I get into that cycle at times and it is not about >her…I have to check in with me and no one else.  Thanks for posting that >Linda.

This is SO true!  When I feel like I am angry at my children all the time and my main communication with them is correction, it is invariably because of something going on in *my* life.  Being aware of this really helps and gives me a chance to stop the cycle. Mary

Response:

I’m new to this group and was just reading this thread, which is very timely for me and my situation.  I am beginning to differentiate irritation from anger and trying to respond to my kids in a quieter way than shouting.  I agree whole-heartedly with the notion of offering choices and try to do that whenever I can.  My question, though, is what do you do when your child (5 years old) would rather sit in his room all day and the next etc. than pick up his toys?

Response:

>I’m new to this group and was just reading this thread, which is very timely >for me and my situation.  I am beginning to differentiate irritation from >anger and trying to respond to my kids in a quieter way than shouting.  I >agree whole-heartedly with the notion of offering choices and try to do that >whenever I can.  My question, though, is what do you do when your child (5 >years old) would rather sit in his room all day and the next etc. than pick >up his toys?

Love and logic would say take the toys away.  Sitting in his room is obviously not a logical consequence for your child (it may work with another).  If you have to pick up the toys he doesn’t get to play with them. Nyoka (mom to Trevor (b 8/8/95 and #2 due 10/12/98)

Response:

  I’ll suggest something that has worked with both of my boys.  I always have told them that if they don’t pick up their toys when asked, then Mommy will.  And when Mommy picks toys up, they disappear.  I started that when each was about four, old enough, I felt, to understand.  I also offered to help pick up, which made them much more agreeable to the task;  a job which seems straightforward and easy to us can be quite intimidating to a preschooler.   (As my older boy got to school-age I expected him to do the job himself.  My younger is 5 and just now becoming able to remember the task long enough to get it done, though he still sometimes gets carried away playing with the toys he is supposed to be putting away.)   I have found that my ‘threat’ works quite well, and only rarely have I actually had to take a toy, which usually only disappears for a short time.     Another thing which works when they balk at doing these little chores, including getting in their pajamas and brushing teeth, is to insist that the jobs get done before story-time or game-with-mommy time or computer time – whatever play they want, their jobs must be done first.   They have the choice of doing the job and then having funtime, or not doing the job and having no funtime.  Usually they make the ‘right’ choice (and make their Mommy a happy woman!).   …  I am beginning to differentiate irritation from – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> anger and trying to respond to my kids in a quieter way than shouting.  I > agree whole-heartedly with the notion of offering choices and try to do that > whenever I can.  My question, though, is what do you do when your child (5 > years old) would rather sit in his room all day and the next etc. than pick > up his toys?

Response:

>>It seemed that for a while all we did was yell at our 5 year old son.  Sit >down, be quiet, stop jumping blah blah.  I finally said that maybe we were >confusing irritating behavior with bad behavior.

When my 9 yr old was a toddler, I remember talking to a friend about some tough times I was experiencing with him.   This friend asked me only one question and offered only one piece of advice.  She asked me if I was angry at him alot. She said that if the answer to that question was "Yes", then the problem was something that *I* needed to correct and not a problem with my son, even though it was his misbehavior that was making me angry. She said that if I clear up the anger then I will probably break the vicious circle that my son and I were in.  He misbehaves, I get mad, he reactes to that anger and misbehaves more, I get mad again, he misbehaves again, etc, etc. Turns out that she was right. Linda C.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->When my 9 yr old was a toddler, I remember talking to a friend about some >tough >times I was experiencing with him.   This friend asked me only one question >and >offered only one piece of advice.  She asked me if I was angry at him alot. >She said that if the answer to that question was "Yes", then the problem was >something that *I* needed to correct and not a problem with my son, even >though >it was his misbehavior that was making me angry. She said that if I clear up >the anger then I will probably break the vicious circle that my son and I >were >in.  He misbehaves, I get mad, he reactes to that anger and misbehaves more, >I >get mad again, he misbehaves again, etc, etc. >Turns out that she was right. >Linda C.

Amen…My daughter and I get into that cycle at times and it is not about her…I have to check in with me and no one else.  Thanks for posting that Linda. Debra

Response:

>> We expect our kids to be little adults, when they should just be kids. >It seemed that for a while all we did was yell at our 5 year old son.  Sit >down, be quiet, stop jumping blah blah.  I finally said that maybe we were >confusing irritating behavior with bad behavior. Most of what he was doing >just got on our nerves, and he wasn’t always necessarily being naughty.  Of >course sometimes he was.   >Now when I feel myself getting a bit uptight I have to stop and think about >which one it is.  I think we sometimes expected him to be so perfect, that >we didn’t give him enough time to just be a 5 year old boy.  I am trying!

About everybody I know goes through this.  It takes a lot of courage for you to talk about it. roy

Response:

> We expect our kids to be little adults, when they should just be kids.

It seemed that for a while all we did was yell at our 5 year old son.  Sit down, be quiet, stop jumping blah blah.  I finally said that maybe we were confusing irritating behavior with bad behavior. Most of what he was doing just got on our nerves, and he wasn’t always necessarily being naughty.  Of course sometimes he was.   Now when I feel myself getting a bit uptight I have to stop and think about which one it is.  I think we sometimes expected him to be so perfect, that we didn’t give him enough time to just be a 5 year old boy.  I am trying! Andrea

Response:

Andrea posted….>It seemed that for a while all we did was yell at our 5 year old son.  Sit >down, be quiet, stop jumping blah blah.  I finally said that maybe we were >confusing irritating behavior with bad behavior. Most of what he was doing >just got on our nerves, and he wasn’t always necessarily being naughty.  Of >course sometimes he was.   >Now when I feel myself getting a bit uptight I have to stop and think about >which one it is.  I think we sometimes expected him to be so perfect, that >we didn’t give him enough time to just be a 5 year old boy.  I am trying!

Congratulations for being aware of unrealistic expectations.  We often treat our children as babies yet expect them to act like adults.  A bit of a paradox indeed.  Often at the route of inappropriate expectations (one must check a developmental chart to obtain accurate information regarding your child’s specific age) are parental issues.  Often there is unmanaged anger on the part of the grown up.  Often there is the perpetuation of abuse…abuse can be as simple as constantly being angry at your child.  Issues that were not resolved from your familyof origin, usually pop up when you have children.  I would recommend (for the original poster…I did not follow this thread) contacting a counselor or attending some kind of anger management…stress management workshop. I just gave a presentation on just the subject and most of the parents who attended admitted to plenty of anger.  It’s not a crime…but denying it certainly can have some devastating effects on the family…particularly the children.  It’s never too late to improve yourself…all you need is the desire. Debra

Response:

I think this is a problem with a lot of parents.  They just expect too much. Case in point.  Two years ago (do you get the feeling this sticks in my mind?) I was at the mall with my son (then less than a year old), my friend and her son (then 3).  We were going to the car kinda in a hurry because she had to get home before her daughter.  Her son was walking on his own and taking giant steps.  She kept yelling at him to "walk right".  My take on this is – he’s three, he’s walking, be happy, he could be sitting and throwing a fit (which he was still prone to do at that age).  My son has already done the giant step thing, I’m just glad he’s walking in the general direction I want to go, who cares how he gets there. We expect our kids to be little adults, when they should just be kids. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I just went through the same thing.  My husband and I took a real long look >at ourselves and found that our expectations were too high.  This caused us >to become impatient and frustrated.  We decided to make our expectations >more reasonable and to give our kids choices even when we tell them to do >something (i.e., "If you don’t do xxxxxx then I will take you by the hand >and we will do xxxxx together.  Which will it be?). >When our expectations became more realistic, the tension decreased and the >kids responded almost immediately to the more "relaxed" atmosphere.  Good >luck! > How do you break the cycle?

Nyoka (mom to Trevor (b 8/8/95 and #2 due 10/12/98)

Response:

I just went through the same thing.  My husband and I took a real long look at ourselves and found that our expectations were too high.  This caused us to become impatient and frustrated.  We decided to make our expectations more reasonable and to give our kids choices even when we tell them to do something (i.e., "If you don’t do xxxxxx then I will take you by the hand and we will do xxxxx together.  Which will it be?). When our expectations became more realistic, the tension decreased and the kids responded almost immediately to the more "relaxed" atmosphere.  Good luck! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> How do you break the cycle?

Response:

When my children were little, I used to "sing" my responses to them, especially when I knew they were just in a bad mood and wanting to "share" it with me. "Pick up your clothes, pick up your toys" sounds so different to the classic Beethoven’s 5th. And the old "because, because, because, because, because….." from the Wizard of Oz always worked well for me.  Get creative, make things up. It won’t help get things done, but it sure puts a puzzling look on their faces to hear their mother "sing" out her commands and responses. As far as being angry, I think that’s pretty normal as long as you get over it.  Just think, if we could choose our children the same way we choose our friends, how many of us would stay parents?  Well, put the shoe on the other foot. The kids didn’t get to choose any more than we did. But, each day has a new beginning and it’s up to you to decide how that day begins.  Remember, the father is the head of the home and the mother is the heart of the home.

Response:

I love your idea of singing out ‘instructions’ !!!  That is one I’ve never heard of.  Creative parenting is great, both kids and parents benefit.  All to easy falling into the trap of how our own parents handled things.  Sometimes we forget we’ve got a choice. —  "The great thing is this world is not so much where   we are, but in what direction we are moving."                                    Oliver Wendell Holmes    – — – — – — – — – — – — – — – — Rastar Corp.  -http://www.rastarinc.com/phonecop         PHONECOP Home/Office phone controller

Response:

When a child pushes you day after day, week after week you start to wonder if maybe they had a bad couple of days and it’s your attitude that carries it on.  So… How do you break the cycle? First you have to acknowledge that we influence others as much as they influence us. Then you need to see how you learnt to respond to such pushing ealier in you own life. In short, you need to be able to step in the other’s shoes, through your anger. What would the opposite of anger be? And more importantly what are the component parts of your anger: A for always? N for negative? G ? etc

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When a child pushes you day after day, week after week you start to wonder if maybe they had a bad couple of days and it’s your attitude that carries it on.  So… How do you break the cycle? Grandma says: First, understand that the child wants what he wants and that’s all that he wants – at the moment. Second, understand that you are annoyed because you want what you want and that’s all that you want – at the moment.   Third, figure out what you want your child to learn about how to deal with people who make him angry, and deal with him the same way. Fourth, keep in mind that pushing on parents is a 2-year-old’s JOB.  They are testing their own limits, their strengths, and weaknesses.  They are also testing your limits, your strengths, and your weaknesses.  TESTING is a 2-year-old’s middle name!  If you stop to think about it, you’ll be very grateful that this testing happens at the age of two.  Think of how life would be if he were going through exactly this same stage at the age of twelve! Fifth, try keeping a sense of humor about it all.  How the child will blush when he’s 22 and you tell him anecdotes about his 2-year-old escapades! Like trying to make his own breakfast one morning and carefully pouring the cereal and milk, getting a spoon – and somehow forgetting all about the bowl it’s all supposed to go in, and coming to you, crying, because his cereal fell all over the table, chair, and floor.   Or like trying to be helpful and cleaning the bathroom for you – and using an entire can of cleaner on the toilet seat.  Stuff like that isn’t very funny when you have to clean it up, but it is hilarious twenty years later! Sixth, keep in mind that at least one of your objectives is to raise your child to be an adult you can like as well as love – and no matter how you end up dealing with your anger and his testing,  as long as you remember that you are creating memories of your relationship with him, you’ll probably do okay.  You’ll have to be willing to be "hated" at times in order to be a good parent, and it is far more important that your child respect you than that he love you (although there are very few kids who respect their parents who don’t love them).   Go visit my website for answers to some of the tough questions kids can ask! And finally, keep in mind that this advice, like all advice, is worth just about what you pay for it! Blessings, Grandma Visit Grandma’s Answer Pages at   http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/6501

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> wonder if maybe they had a bad couple of days and it’s your attitude > that carries it on.  So… > How do you break the cycle?

I count to 10 (sometimes 100), look at my children one at a time, and wonder how I could ever be happy without them.

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>I count to 10 (sometimes 100), look at my children one at a time, >and wonder how I could ever be happy without them.

Thanks for the tip and I know you’re right.  I made that post when I was very upset and probably shouldn’t have.   I have a seven year old that has been testing my patience at every opportunity (bringing the word stubborness to new extents of meaning and sometimes it just really gets to me.  (Although I try not to let him know that.) It’s not really anger that I’m feeling at all – although I do get angry at the moment sometimes.  It’s more like frustration.   See if this makes sense… he tests and tests and tests.  I respond to it the best way I know how but he doesn’t stop testing.  So then I try to get tougher with him but that only makes for more opportunities for arguments.  Then I think… OK, maybe it’s me and things are so bad because I’m being *too* tough on him so I ease up but nothing changes then either!   I have two other children.  My oldest, he’s 10, has ADD and I never had this many problems!   Ugh.

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When a child pushes you day after day, week after week you start to wonder if maybe they had a bad couple of days and it’s your attitude that carries it on.  So… How do you break the cycle?

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>When a child pushes you day after day, week after week you start to >wonder if maybe they had a bad couple of days and it’s your attitude >that carries it on.  So… >How do you break the cycle?

Find an appropriate avenue for your feelings to be expressed.  A couple of ideas for this include: – find a friend who is a good listener, tell them you want them *just* to listen, set aside an hour, and then tell them what is making you angry…  If it is helpful, do it again (perhaps as often as every week or so) – put a cushion in a chair, pretend the cushion is whoever you are angry with, and vent your feelings towards the cushion…. Steve Myers http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk Note: my ‘from’ address is mis-set to reduce ’spam’ emails. However, if ‘reply’ing, the correct address should appear. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

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