Pure Parents

Question:

> I work outside the home full-time. My daughter > is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently > got married and I’m wondering how involved > significant others are typically in child care. >snip > No flames about my working please. I was a > single mother and working was a neccessity. > Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s > not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my > salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, > food and transportation…

Who would flame someone because they work to support their children? As a father, I share responsibility of daycare (either pickup or drop off).My wife and I use a simple alternating system of sharing duties. I wake up with baby on Saturday, Cathy wakes up on Sunday. Whoever doesn’t feed Veronica dinner is the one to give her a bath. Almost all baby duties are broken down in this method. I still do most of the cooking and dishes, but Cathy does most of the housecleaning. Cathy and I work hard at being fair to each other. I beleive that is the key to our system. — Alacrity Fitzhugh There in the silence, we search for the balance Between this fear we feel, and the love that has graced our lives. –Cowboy Junkies(Michael Timmins)

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I work outside the home full-time. My daughter >is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently >got married and I’m wondering how involved >significant others are typically in child care. >It seems that often the mother is the one >expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, >clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, >does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? >Do you take turns taking off work when one or >more of the kids are sick? >We’re just now getting into a routine with >school and after-school care so I’m curious >as to how other people have handled this! >I’m looking for general comments about how >different families have handled responsiblities >and divisions of chores. >No flames about my working please. I was a >single mother and working was a neccessity. >Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s >not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my >salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, >food and transportation…

None of that for us. I think the chores should be shared as much as possible, and worked out dependent on the work situations. Actually, even if the wife stays home, I think the husband should do some of the chores. When my husband was married to his ex, he did everything even tho he’s in the marine corps and his ex didn’t work As soon as he set foot in th house it was time for her to rest and she didn’t do squat – including dinner. She was healthy, nothing wrong with her. He had to take care of the kids completely on the weekends. The relationship was kind of skiewed. (I have verification from others that this was true.) Anyway, being the kind of guy he is, there isn’t any problem of sharing. He just takes on chores such as laundry, making dinner, cleaning. However, I know that I’m exeptionally lucky that way. I think your husband should do as much stuff as he can if he wants it to develop into a real family, which I would think he would want. I would hope there would *never* be a feeling of "this is your child." You need to figure out what things are better for each to do.  Who takes off work should be dependent on who can take off easier without impacting their employment. Your daughter is young and should bond with your husband pretty easily. I’m sure y’all will do fine. It’s good that you’re thinking about these things, otherwise, depending on how your husband is, you could wind up with you automatially doing all the chores. Lynn

Response:

> > I’m wondering how involved significant others are typically in child care. > Let’s define things; when you say S.O., do you mean a non-spousal live-in?

Nope I mean a live-in spouse — but I hesitated to say husband at the risk of being sexist…

Response:

>It seems that often the mother is the one >expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, >clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, >does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? >Do you take turns taking off work when one or >more of the kids are sick?

My boyfriend (SO) and I arent married but we live together with my son (who’s father died when he was an infant).  He is VERY involved in my son’s care, even tho I am a stay at home mom, if my son is sick, he will be home to come along on doctor visits, he takes off for school field trips, helps with shopping and laundry and likes being the one to take my son to school and pick him up.  I know from friends, that this is NOT the norm and I realize I am very blessed that he is so involved. My son is very blessed as well Stef

Response:

I would do drop off, not having to be at work til later, and my SO would pick up, getting off of work earlier. As far as the child being sick, we split the days. My SO would work in the morning and I would work in the afternoon. It worked well for everyone involved. Good luck, Alexis – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I work outside the home full-time. My daughter > is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently > got married and I’m wondering how involved > significant others are typically in child care. > It seems that often the mother is the one > expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, > clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, > does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? > Do you take turns taking off work when one or > more of the kids are sick? > We’re just now getting into a routine with > school and after-school care so I’m curious > as to how other people have handled this! > I’m looking for general comments about how > different families have handled responsiblities > and divisions of chores. > No flames about my working please. I was a > single mother and working was a neccessity. > Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s > not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my > salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, > food and transportation…

Response:

In my home it depends on the  time. The summers I am off, so I do the bulk of the childcare. However, in the winter my husband does alot of the picking up and dropping off and he carries the cellular phone in case of a sick child. He comees home and looks after said child. I cannot be reached in my classes and bringing a phone is very embarassing during a lecture <g>. As for household chores it is pretty even depending on who is the busiest. Of course I am a little bit of a neat freak so I usually go behind him and fix things. My SO is self-employed – luckily- and has no set hours. Our situation works great because we each get one on one time with each of the children. I also have a stepdaughter 12 who has been with us since she was four who gets the needed attention just from her Dad. The other children are still quite young and enjoy spending time with Mom and Dad alone also. No flames for working here! Kim Mom to Angela 3 , Chad 2 and stepmom to the best helper Nicole 12. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I work outside the home full-time. My daughter > is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently > got married and I’m wondering how involved > significant others are typically in child care. > It seems that often the mother is the one > expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, > clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, > does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? > Do you take turns taking off work when one or > more of the kids are sick? > We’re just now getting into a routine with > school and after-school care so I’m curious > as to how other people have handled this! > I’m looking for general comments about how > different families have handled responsiblities > and divisions of chores. > No flames about my working please. I was a > single mother and working was a neccessity. > Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s > not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my > salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, > food and transportation…

Response:

>I work outside the home full-time. My daughter >is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently >got married and I’m wondering how involved >significant others are typically in child care. >It seems that often the mother is the one >expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, >clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, >does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? >Do you take turns taking off work when one or >more of the kids are sick?

Actually in my situation, my husband has a tremendous amount of sick leave built up that he can use for family members being sick.  He usually takes off to take care of his two stepchildren.  He also dropped off his stepdaughter in the afternoon, and I picked her up in the morning.   As far as their extra curricular activities (sports, etc.) it usually works out that my husband and I are half/half on shuttling the kids around to various activities.  My husband and my kids get along great for the most part.   >We’re just now getting into a routine with >school and after-school care so I’m curious >as to how other people have handled this! >I’m looking for general comments about how >different families have handled responsiblities >and divisions of chores. >No flames about my working please. I was a >single mother and working was a neccessity. >Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s >not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my >salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, >food and transportation…

No flames to you about being a working mother.  I am a working mom too. Good luck, Dianne

Response:

I work outside the home full-time. My daughter is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently got married and I’m wondering how involved significant others are typically in child care. It seems that often the mother is the one expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? Do you take turns taking off work when one or more of the kids are sick? We’re just now getting into a routine with school and after-school care so I’m curious as to how other people have handled this! I’m looking for general comments about how different families have handled responsiblities and divisions of chores. No flames about my working please. I was a single mother and working was a neccessity. Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, food and transportation…

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I work outside the home full-time. My daughter > is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently > got married and I’m wondering how involved > significant others are typically in child care. > It seems that often the mother is the one > expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, > clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, > does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? > Do you take turns taking off work when one or > more of the kids are sick? > We’re just now getting into a routine with > school and after-school care so I’m curious > as to how other people have handled this! > I’m looking for general comments about how > different families have handled responsiblities > and divisions of chores. > No flames about my working please. I was a > single mother and working was a neccessity. > Also, my salary is 75% of our income so it’s > not that we’re living for the *luxuries* my > salary brings. I’m paying for shelter, > food and transportation…

I’m a step-mother to a 12 year old and my husband is CP.  I work 3 miles from our home and 4 miles from SS’s school.  I’ve worked here nearly 27 years <yikes!> and have a fair amount of flexility and lots of vacation time amassed.  For the last 4 years, my husband has worked temp jobs 15-20 miles from home.  So, we basically go with my taking time off during the work day since every hour he’s gone from work is an hour less pay every week.  SS’s mom lives 75 miles from us, so her input on these issues is not an option.  When SS was little, my husband was generally the bath person.  In an attempt to get him to bond more with me (he was 4 when he came to live with us) we took turns reading to him every evening. It worked pretty well.  Good luck to all of you!

Response:

>I would do drop off, not having to be at work til later, and my SO would >pick up, getting off of work earlier. As far as the child being sick, we >split the days. My SO would work in the morning and I would work in the >afternoon. It worked well for everyone involved.

(in response to:)   > I work outside the home full-time. My daughter > is 5 1/2 and entering kindergarten. I recently > got married and I’m wondering how involved > significant others are typically in child care. > It seems that often the mother is the one > expected to drop off, pick up, wash, feed, > clothe and ferry. Depending on work situations, > does your SO pick up or drop off or do you swap? > Do you take turns taking off work when one or > more of the kids are sick?

<snip>   in our house, it’s whoever has the most job flexibility.  when i was working at a strict 9 – 5 job, b had flexibility wrt hours and could be at home in the afternoon between 3 and 5 with kids, (either going in early in the am, or going back after 5pm).  now i do afternoons, being back in school and working part time, and thus have the more flexible schedule…   since neither of us are morning people (a *gross* understatement) we have taken turns in the morning, too.  we do take turns when one of the kids is sick, although now that they are older we can leave them alone (with check- in phone calls) for a while so i don’t have to miss class.   > I’m looking for general comments about how > different families have handled responsiblities > and divisions of chores.

well, what works in one family may not in another.  in our house, we have said that b is an equal parent.  i probably pick up a little more of the duties, but most of the time it works out well and feels pretty fair.  we did have problems when b had an important deadline, i had exams, and we had two seriously sick kids — but that would have been trouble no matter what we were doing.  (i withdrew from most classes that semester.)   > No flames about my working please.

you won’t get any here.   peg

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