Question:
Good post.
:Hi. I hope I don’t offend you but it sounds as though your husband would :be hostile to a child. He says that he can raise your children as long as :they are not his children. THat sounds like he can leave whenever he :wants to because he is not "really" resposible for the children. I hope :you can resolve this problem with your husband and are eventually able to :have his child with his support. It is kinda hard being pregnant without :your significant other’s support (I had that experience). :Not to mention, Dad’s are very important to the well being of a child’s :development. :Gina :>Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do :>(soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children :>together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested :>insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with :>both of those options. :>Has anyone out there gone through this? I’d really love to believe I could :>change my husband’s mind, but the truth is I’m not too hopeful of that. I’ve :>been working on this for a while, and haven’t gotten anywhere (he has many :>reasons for his stance that are so intrinsic to who he is that "arguing" :>against them is entirely pointless). Any of you men who used to feel this way :>and then changed your own minds? What did it? Or if you didn’t change your :>mind, and you ended up going with insemination or adoption, did you end up :>being an enthusiastic/happy/involved parent? :>Failing that, has anyone gone through the process of adoption or insemination :>when there hasn’t been a medical/physical reason to? I’m concerned about the :>unknown factors of raising the children of strangers — everything from :>personality to medical history a big blank. With insemination I’d know half :>the equation, but still there’d be a lot of uncertainty — and I think it would :>just be weird to carry a stranger’s child within me. Could my husband ever :>really accept that child fully? This is leaving aside the emotional issues :>adopted children (and their families) eventually face. :>I mean no offense or disrespect to those who have chosen either of these paths :>– I really hope these questions don’t spark any flames. I’m just at my wits’ :>end in trying to find a solution to our dilemma. Any & all suggestions much :>appreciated. :>– Liz
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do > (soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children > together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested > insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with > both of those options. > Has anyone out there gone through this? I’d really love to believe I could > change my husband’s mind, but the truth is I’m not too hopeful of that. I’ve > been working on this for a while, and haven’t gotten anywhere (he has many > reasons for his stance that are so intrinsic to who he is that "arguing" > against them is entirely pointless). Any of you men who used to feel this way > and then changed your own minds? What did it? Or if you didn’t change your > mind, and you ended up going with insemination or adoption, did you end up > being an enthusiastic/happy/involved parent? > Failing that, has anyone gone through the process of adoption or insemination > when there hasn’t been a medical/physical reason to? I’m concerned about the > unknown factors of raising the children of strangers — everything from > personality to medical history a big blank. With insemination I’d know half > the equation, but still there’d be a lot of uncertainty — and I think it would > just be weird to carry a stranger’s child within me. Could my husband ever > really accept that child fully? This is leaving aside the emotional issues > adopted children (and their families) eventually face. > I mean no offense or disrespect to those who have chosen either of these paths > — I really hope these questions don’t spark any flames. I’m just at my wits’ > end in trying to find a solution to our dilemma. Any & all suggestions much > appreciated. > — Liz
Im wondering why he’s ok with raising a child but not his own. What is he afraid of? Does he feel deficiant in some way and is afraid to pass whatever on to a child? Maybe this is something he needs to get out in the open and talk about. Counseling sounds like a good option to start with. Patty
Response:
<Insemination – depending on where you live can cost $300.00 to $500.00 <per month. Doesn’t include the doctor visits what – $60.00 each. Two <visits a month at ovulation time. When I was inseminated the sperm was $100.00 from the California Cryobank and I didn’t have to see my doctor 2 times a month only when I went in to be inseminated and I got pregnant the first time. PnL Gayl
Response:
Hi. I hope I don’t offend you but it sounds as though your husband would be hostile to a child. He says that he can raise your children as long as they are not his children. THat sounds like he can leave whenever he wants to because he is not "really" resposible for the children. I hope you can resolve this problem with your husband and are eventually able to have his child with his support. It is kinda hard being pregnant without your significant other’s support (I had that experience). Not to mention, Dad’s are very important to the well being of a child’s development. Gina – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do >(soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children >together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested >insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with >both of those options. >Has anyone out there gone through this? I’d really love to believe I could >change my husband’s mind, but the truth is I’m not too hopeful of that. I’ve >been working on this for a while, and haven’t gotten anywhere (he has many >reasons for his stance that are so intrinsic to who he is that "arguing" >against them is entirely pointless). Any of you men who used to feel this way >and then changed your own minds? What did it? Or if you didn’t change your >mind, and you ended up going with insemination or adoption, did you end up >being an enthusiastic/happy/involved parent? >Failing that, has anyone gone through the process of adoption or insemination >when there hasn’t been a medical/physical reason to? I’m concerned about the >unknown factors of raising the children of strangers — everything from >personality to medical history a big blank. With insemination I’d know half >the equation, but still there’d be a lot of uncertainty — and I think it would >just be weird to carry a stranger’s child within me. Could my husband ever >really accept that child fully? This is leaving aside the emotional issues >adopted children (and their families) eventually face. >I mean no offense or disrespect to those who have chosen either of these paths >– I really hope these questions don’t spark any flames. I’m just at my wits’ >end in trying to find a solution to our dilemma. Any & all suggestions much >appreciated. >– Liz
Response:
Hi there, The posts on this thread have been very interesting. I have my own possible theory based on something I know about another member of my family: Is it possible that this man is infertile and doesn’t want her to know about it? It might explain his bizarre explanation. My ex-brother (long story) found out he was infertile when he was 18. When he was 27, he got married but never told his fiancee about the fertility problem. Now, he’s almost 30, and I’m pretty sure he still hasn’t told her. Myra
Response:
>Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do
(soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with both of those options. I’ve never heard of anything like this before and maybe you should elaborate a little on his reasons. I can understand men not wanting to have children but I’ve never come across one preferring to raise someone else’s.
Response:
Has it occured to you that your husbands stance against parenting a biological child is bizarre beyond words? If he were my husband i would be demanding he get therapy. If he refused i would leave him. Again, his feelings are extremely bizzare!!
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > > Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I > really do > > (soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children > > together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested > > insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble > with > > both of those options. > I’m hardly an expert in these matters, but my immediate reaction is to > strongly urge you and your husband to seek professional counseling. There > is a very serious conflict in your marriage that will have to be resolved > in one way or another, and my belief is that this is best done with the > assistance of a skilled counselor. > From the tone of your post, I’m assuming that you have not tried this > route. Please forgive the following advice if you have. First, to be > successful, both you and your husband will have to accept that a > professional counselor can really help you (they can.) Second, you will > have to find the right counselor for both of you. This is a matter of > finding someone who is both highly qualified *and* feels right to both of > you. This may entail interviewing several counselors before you find the > right one. But you will. > Counselors come in a number of varieties, including psychiatrists, > psychologists, and social workers. Generally, persons with degrees of this > sort and a number of years of experience can be very good (I would lean > towards 5-10 years or more.) There are persons with other advanced degrees > who practice counseling, but I would be somewhat cautious in evaluating > them. While counseling can be expensive, many insurance companies will > cover it. But even if you have to pay for it yourself, do it — "it’s your > money or your life." > I can give you my own opinion about what you have said, but please bear in > mind that I am not a professional counselor and this is simply one person’s > opinion. > First, I believe it is a terrible mistake to have children or adopt them > unless both parents are very committed to it (in fact, I would hope that > all prospective parents would be downright enthusiastic.) One new father > recently told me on the net that he wasn’t too keen on the idea of having > children, but he and his wife went ahead and he is having the time of his > life. This sounds great (kind of like the old soap-opera line, "You can > learn to love me!"), but I suspect that this is not the typical outcome. In > any event, a child’s future is not something to gamble with. Parenthood is > very challenging as it is, without one parent being reluctant about it. If > he doesn’t want to have children, don’t do it! Believe me, where you have a > parent who does not want the child, you will end up with an unhappy child > who will become an unhappy adult. This is a much more tragic outcome than > not having children at all. > Your husband’s rejection of the notion of having his own children may seem > odd, but it makes some sense to me. At the risk of practicing amateur > psychology here, I would be willing to bet that your husband had some > significant problems in his own childhood, and may be reluctant to be > involved with children for fear that they will remind him of those > experiences. Further, his reluctant preference for adoption may indicate > that he does not want to create another person like himself for fear of an > even more exact repetition of his childhood. > I say these things because, due to a very lousy childhood, I did not want > to have children either. Only after many years of self examination (with a > great deal of help) was I able to resolve this issue. Now, at the age of > 42, I have a wonderful 4 1/2 month old baby girl who I love more than I can > express in words. I have noted, however, that experiencing her childhood > inevitably connects me with and reminds me of my own. This is sad at times, > but it is also wonderful. It is joyous to see someone who is so much a part > of me experiencing the childhood I never had. > Please, get the two of you into counseling as soon as you can. > Dick Green
My own husband ( age 43 ) still hold back just a little emotionally with our daughter (just 3). He tells me that himself, I am not misunderstanding it. I think it is like not wanting your own biological child, that holding back emotionally is a way of insulating your emotion
Response:
My husband had a vasactomy many years ago, before we ever got married I told him I wanted kids so we decided I would be artifically inseminated. When you call a Cryo bank they send you a packet that heas basic information about the donors, hair & eye color, height & weight, race, skin color, blood type. You choose a few donors and you get a short profile which has information about there personality, major in college, and why they are willing to donate. Then you can get a long profile which has the family health history I believe it goes back to the grandparents, it also has the relatives eye & hair color, height & weight, if they have kids. I’m sure there is more information as well. I went through the California Cryobank, If you send in a picture of your husband the will help to choose a donor that resembles him or even the both of you it is your choice. The donors are tested for a variety of different diseases and tested again at different intervals until all tests are complete the sperm is kept frozen. Thanks to the donor, I have a beautiful baby boy, Kristofer 7-6-95. If you have any questions feel free to E-mail me PnL
Response:
> Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do > (soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children > together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested > insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with > both of those options.
I’m hardly an expert in these matters, but my immediate reaction is to strongly urge you and your husband to seek professional counseling. There is a very serious conflict in your marriage that will have to be resolved in one way or another, and my belief is that this is best done with the assistance of a skilled counselor. From the tone of your post, I’m assuming that you have not tried this route. Please forgive the following advice if you have. First, to be successful, both you and your husband will have to accept that a professional counselor can really help you (they can.) Second, you will have to find the right counselor for both of you. This is a matter of finding someone who is both highly qualified *and* feels right to both of you. This may entail interviewing several counselors before you find the right one. But you will. Counselors come in a number of varieties, including psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers. Generally, persons with degrees of this sort and a number of years of experience can be very good (I would lean towards 5-10 years or more.) There are persons with other advanced degrees who practice counseling, but I would be somewhat cautious in evaluating them. While counseling can be expensive, many insurance companies will cover it. But even if you have to pay for it yourself, do it — "it’s your money or your life." I can give you my own opinion about what you have said, but please bear in mind that I am not a professional counselor and this is simply one person’s opinion. First, I believe it is a terrible mistake to have children or adopt them unless both parents are very committed to it (in fact, I would hope that all prospective parents would be downright enthusiastic.) One new father recently told me on the net that he wasn’t too keen on the idea of having children, but he and his wife went ahead and he is having the time of his life. This sounds great (kind of like the old soap-opera line, "You can learn to love me!"), but I suspect that this is not the typical outcome. In any event, a child’s future is not something to gamble with. Parenthood is very challenging as it is, without one parent being reluctant about it. If he doesn’t want to have children, don’t do it! Believe me, where you have a parent who does not want the child, you will end up with an unhappy child who will become an unhappy adult. This is a much more tragic outcome than not having children at all. Your husband’s rejection of the notion of having his own children may seem odd, but it makes some sense to me. At the risk of practicing amateur psychology here, I would be willing to bet that your husband had some significant problems in his own childhood, and may be reluctant to be involved with children for fear that they will remind him of those experiences. Further, his reluctant preference for adoption may indicate that he does not want to create another person like himself for fear of an even more exact repetition of his childhood. I say these things because, due to a very lousy childhood, I did not want to have children either. Only after many years of self examination (with a great deal of help) was I able to resolve this issue. Now, at the age of 42, I have a wonderful 4 1/2 month old baby girl who I love more than I can express in words. I have noted, however, that experiencing her childhood inevitably connects me with and reminds me of my own. This is sad at times, but it is also wonderful. It is joyous to see someone who is so much a part of me experiencing the childhood I never had. Please, get the two of you into counseling as soon as you can. Dick Green
Response:
Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do (soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with both of those options. Has anyone out there gone through this? I’d really love to believe I could change my husband’s mind, but the truth is I’m not too hopeful of that. I’ve been working on this for a while, and haven’t gotten anywhere (he has many reasons for his stance that are so intrinsic to who he is that "arguing" against them is entirely pointless). Any of you men who used to feel this way and then changed your own minds? What did it? Or if you didn’t change your mind, and you ended up going with insemination or adoption, did you end up being an enthusiastic/happy/involved parent? Failing that, has anyone gone through the process of adoption or insemination when there hasn’t been a medical/physical reason to? I’m concerned about the unknown factors of raising the children of strangers — everything from personality to medical history a big blank. With insemination I’d know half the equation, but still there’d be a lot of uncertainty — and I think it would just be weird to carry a stranger’s child within me. Could my husband ever really accept that child fully? This is leaving aside the emotional issues adopted children (and their families) eventually face. I mean no offense or disrespect to those who have chosen either of these paths — I really hope these questions don’t spark any flames. I’m just at my wits’ end in trying to find a solution to our dilemma. Any & all suggestions much appreciated. — Liz
Response:
>Okay, in a nutshell: my husband doesn’t want to have children and I really do >(soon, please; I’m 32) — he says he can cope with our raising children >together, but he doesn’t want it to be his own child. He’s suggested >insemination or adoption as compromises, but I’m having a lot of trouble with >both of those options. >I mean no offense or disrespect to those who have chosen either of these paths >– I really hope these questions don’t spark any flames. I’m just at my wits’ >end in trying to find a solution to our dilemma. Any & all suggestions much >appreciated. >– Liz
At first, I thought I had just seen someone exactly like me! But I was wrong…my husband doesn’t want to have kids…period. I think thats kind of weird that yours wants them, just not his own. I would suggest taking him up on his offer of insemination, because at least you’ll get a baby out of it. I don’t know if I ever will.
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