Pure Parents

Question:

Sounds like Matracide to me.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Sounds like you need 1600 between you and the mother in law. > I have a motto… > "never marry a man with a living mother" > Sounds like daily antecedents to major episiodal lifestyle. > Elaine

Response:

Mums Mabley, a commedianne, had this routine, which I will change slightly to fit the suituation with my mother-in-law…. "You should always say something good about the dead. She’s dead, GOOD!"  The story about having a hissy fit over changing a TV channel and threatening to have a stroke is SOOOOO familiar. Since Wonder Wench is becomming just like her old lady, I’m glad she divorced me. ’nuff said.    Ralph

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > My mother-in Law, when we went to visit last month, had an absolute > hissy fit because I turned on the t.v and changed the channel (because > she had it pre-set to her favorite channel and I turned it to a > differernt channel) and then sent us away to a hotel room.  Then she > wouldn’t see us for the whole week-end because of it. I spent the rest > of the week-end with my father-in-law telling us how she almost had a > nervous breakdown (get this) for TWELVE HOURS!!!! over the TV > CHANNEL!!!!  He said he was so worried that she would have a stroke. > (she is 73) He used her age as an excuse for her behavior, but > according to my husband she has always been psycho.  They live about a > half mile from western state mental hospital, and as far as I am > concerned, she ought to run on down and get a haldol-D shot or > something.  You’d think with dysfunctional parents I could have at > least got some decent in-laws. > Michelle

Response:

Hi Ralph, ROFL!!! > The story about having a hissy fit over changing a TV channel and > threatening to have a stroke is SOOOOO familiar. Since Wonder Wench is > becomming just like her old lady, I’m glad she divorced me. ’nuff said.

I have been fortunate. My inlaws are caring and accpeting people. Unfortunately my SO has broken off relations with them becuse of his "childhood" but he failed to tell them why. He tells me to "MYOB"…they do come to see Christopher. I hope he will be able to resove their differences…I mean his differences. He is the oldest of 7 children. Life is too short <sigh>. Reach beyond your grasp!

Response:

>ha ha…<i learned my lessons ti the last living one> >she once told me,,,never ever travel on an air plane without a small >snack incase the plane goes down…you have something to eat. >I laughed so hard in her face.  And what was I to do if I couldn’t’ get >my mangled arm into my purse, if of course the other survivors didn’t’ >kill me for my kippered beef. >Elaine

Brings to mind my ex father-in-law.  Ex and I were travelling with plans to do some "this ought to be fun" deep water snorkeling.  Night before the morning of our big adventure (mind you, we were already in the other country), ex f-in-l calls to share with us the fact that "biff and muffy–dear friends of theirs, naturally–lost a daughter-in-law on her honeymoon with biff & muffs son, in EXACTLY the same location.  Something about a tide and the jagged cliff facings and sharks and rip tide. It was funny even then and I was very young–not easily lead, however. Something (me not being easy to lead) that caused some "friction" during the course of our many years together (with f-in-l, not husband) ha! but what a great memory.  julie

Response:

>Michelle: >you had better watch that T.V. station next time. >It was all in Japanese Elaine, so I wouldn’t understand any of it…John’s mom is Japanese…and it is a satellite dish, which is why she had such a hissy fit–she thought we would NEVER get it back to the right channel!! (John’s dad just got the remote and put it right back!!)  She said "I don’t come to your house and touch YOUR stuff!!" (she’s right, in 10 years she has visited us twice!! and she threatened not to come to our wedding because the date we picked was inconvenient for her…it was 3 days after she came back from a trip from Japan and she figured she would still be tired from her trip and said she would not come if we didn’t change the date–we told her too bad…we had alot of trouble coming up with a date that was suitable for everyone as is and so we said fine don’t come then.  she graced us with her mighty presence anyway but my father-in-law spent the whole reception bragging to my family about all the ways he abused my husband as a child…..what a screwed up

family) Michelle – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Whoa hoa…. >Elaine

Response:

But I just feel so angry,  and I can’t get rid of it.  I have told her how I feel and she continues to pass the buck…"it’s not my fault…it was GARY’s fault (my step-father)"  like she couldn’t have left him instead of putting up with it for 11 years.  she waited till she dumped me off on my dad to leave him for a 21 year old.  And it makes me wonder if this whole past year when I have started cutting and compulsive drug overdosing on barbituates and narcotics and stimulants and any other self-harming behavior I can think of was just all this anger coming out and my way of saying "mom look how screwed up I am and it’s your fault!" I am just conjecturing, but I never did any of those things before I started with the psych drugs and therapy and stuff so it would make sense that digging up all these painful issues might cause me to do that.  I don’t know. COGge Michelle

Response:

Whoa there! There’s an awful lot of you mother haters out there. What about the mother-in-law? I live with mine and, get this, God speaks directly to her and the "truth" is being given by HER. No one knows anything till she’s edified on it, so all people who "believe" as she does only started "Believing" after "hearing" her. I mean she’s nasty about it! The best part is this family doesn’t observe any "special days" so I never have to cook a turkey, buy a gift, send a card or pretend it’s a happy day!!!!! (Believe me, it really does help if you aren’t being hit w/ all those triggers around Christmas time!) But I can’t stand her, the manipulative bitch. I’m the one who gets blamed for EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THIS HOUSE. She asked me the otherday if something she did bothered me and when I said yes, she lost it. She really shouldn’t ask me to behave when I’m hypo—-If she didn’t want to know she shouldn’t have asked me. Where was I headed with this? Oh yes… I love my mom but it took many years and 1500 miles between us to get here. Good luck to y’all. caroly~vonne

Response:

Sounds like you need 1600 between you and the mother in law. I have a motto… "never marry a man with a living mother" Sounds like daily antecedents to major episiodal lifestyle. Elaine

Response:

Michelle: you had better watch that T.V. station next time. Whoa hoa…. Elaine

Response:

ha ha…<i learned my lessons ti the last living one> she once told me,,,never ever travel on an air plane without a small snack incase the plane goes down…you have something to eat. I laughed so hard in her face.  And what was I to do if I couldn’t’ get my mangled arm into my purse, if of course the other survivors didn’t’ kill me for my kippered beef. Elaine – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Sounds like Matracide to me. > Sounds like you need 1600 between you and the mother in law. > I have a motto… > "never marry a man with a living mother" > Sounds like daily antecedents to major episiodal lifestyle. > Elaine

Response:

My mother-in Law, when we went to visit last month, had an absolute hissy fit because I turned on the t.v and changed the channel (because she had it pre-set to her favorite channel and I turned it to a differernt channel) and then sent us away to a hotel room.  Then she wouldn’t see us for the whole week-end because of it. I spent the rest of the week-end with my father-in-law telling us how she almost had a nervous breakdown (get this) for TWELVE HOURS!!!! over the TV CHANNEL!!!!  He said he was so worried that she would have a stroke. (she is 73) He used her age as an excuse for her behavior, but according to my husband she has always been psycho.  They live about a half mile from western state mental hospital, and as far as I am concerned, she ought to run on down and get a haldol-D shot or something.  You’d think with dysfunctional parents I could have at least got some decent in-laws. Michelle

Response:

Michelle, my mother was not a drunk, nor does she moved me around 13 schools nor do screw around my father, BUT I wont send her a card NOR phone her on Mother’s Day. i talked about it to my sister.  We are both aged 47 and 46.  I try to make her understand why i had decided to remain incommunicando with our mother, but she never do understand.  So what ?  I do know that my mother make me feel sick, even if i dont know why it is so. Why dont you just forget it, that mother’s day ?  Maybe she will phone you : Hey You Forget Me.  So you’ll tell her : Sorry Mom, i was totally drunk !  If you prefer you may even tell her : Sorry Mom, i hate you.  And DO NOT DISCUSS with her.  That is the point.  Do not discuss with her ! pie COGge wrote : – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Only just over a week left till the dreaded mother’s day till I am > expected to pay homage to the woman who gave me life….and what a > miserable existance it is….thanks to her.  Every year I hate going > through all the cards trying to find one that doesn’t say "oh mother > you’ve always been there for me" or "oh mother, you have been a > paragon of virtue" "mother I want to be just like you"   Hallmark > needs to start a collection of "thanks for staying in the bar till 2 > am when I was 6 and leaving me w/o a babysitter alone mom" or how > about "thanks for moving me around to 13 schools in 7 years mom" or > how about "thanks for screwing around on Dad mom" and instead of > pretty flowers on the front they could have beer cans on them.  Then > it wouldn’t be so hard for me to find an appropriate Mother’s Day > card. > COGge > Michelle >

Response:

Hi guys.  I felt this way for 20 yrs and now i see the truth about her.  My mom is a martyr to my 5 other sibs and I but she totally codep-ed on my dad for everything so i dispised her for weakness even though thats normal for that gen. but she also had a tough childhood and wanted to marry my alcoholic/cop dad and the combo just traumatized all the children and the BP gentics did alot of damge too. Bottom line   I witnessed and suffered such trauma from their union thru neglect + emot mental torture that i will never be happy with my personality.  I am in grief counseling for it and i have let them off the hook. Fuck what happened im still here and a strong bear for it. And ill eventually let it go in time completely.  Its working now so hang in their and do the therapy or stop complaining. The ball is in your adult self parenting court. Being angry and sad is normal just find a way to get rid of it. I have a surogate mom kinda and she has given me so much to reflect on and acceptance of what happened.  I feel lucky.  Good luck to all of you in this diff. task. and dont send anything now if you dont want to. I just tell her youll send gratitude as you learn them in your time. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Only just over a week left till the dreaded mother’s day till I am >expected to pay homage to the woman who gave me life….and what a >miserable existance it is….thanks to her.  Every year I hate going >through all the cards trying to find one that doesn’t say "oh mother >you’ve always been there for me" or "oh mother, you have been a >paragon of virtue" "mother I want to be just like you"   Hallmark >needs to start a collection of "thanks for staying in the bar till 2 >am when I was 6 and leaving me w/o a babysitter alone mom" or how >about "thanks for moving me around to 13 schools in 7 years mom" or >how about "thanks for screwing around on Dad mom" and instead of >pretty flowers on the front they could have beer cans on them.  Then >it wouldn’t be so hard for me to find an appropriate Mother’s Day >card. >COGge >Michelle >:-(

Response:

AH, a kindred spirit!!  :-)  my pdoc says I am histrionic (as in histrionic personality disorder) which is characterized by major attempts at attention-seeking…and often suicidal behavior or drug overdoses for attention…well I often thought that I was depressed from bipolar and my pdoc said I was being histrionic…and it is so confusiong…but personality disorders are not genetic….they are something you get because your parents screwed you up (a basic grandiose generalization i know but hey, I am on a roll so let me be entitled!) I denied that I was "attentions seeking" because other family members have accused me of that from the time I was a child , only it was always followed by "just like your mother" and if someone said I was white "just like your mother" I would likely claim to be a member of the apache nation just to be NOT LIKE HER in any way!!!! COGge Michelle – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hey Michelle, >    I know what you are feeling. Every year around Mothers Day and her birthday >I am always caught in a tough spot. I feel like I am expected to get her a >mushy card but can never find one I can give that says everything I  feel about >her. We have similar backgrounds. I was also left home when she was at the bar. >I had a lifetime of pain by the age of 13. Now here I am 30 and "all screwed >up"! >C.

Response:

ah but then I get the guilt trip, she is a master at those games. she pouts at that and plays those games. COGge Michelle – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Michelle my bell Sorry couldn’t help that one. >I have a similar situation with my father. My doc’s  advice to >me is too distance myself from him emotionally. We get >caught up in this "wanting to please our parents" trap. >She wasn’t there for you when you were young; she dosen’t >deserve your effort in looking for the right card. >remove the **** for email replies >www.robertpo.com

Response:

I know how you feel, but I do have my moments of mellowing. My mother had a somewhat hellish life.  Some of it good, but the bad was really bad.  She’s still in a lot of denial, still gets drunk every night.  And she treated me like shit during my manic episode, when I was suffering to say the least.  And she sacrificed her relationship with me to alcohol. I stick to mother’s day cards that are humorous.  Nothing mushy, not ever.  That’s how I solve that dilemma. Also, I’ve tried to make peace with myself as far as she’s concerned.  I also deal with her honestly.  When something is not okay, or her behavior is unacceptable I tell her what I think.  When I’ve tried to confront her about past incidents, she literally does not remember. Probably because she shuts it out. Don’t know what to tell you.  Alcoholism is serious and obviously alcohol was controlling her life.  I try to look at my mother as a messed up person and don’t expect much from her so I’m not disappointed. Lately she has been more supportive and I remember to give her credit for that.  I find that giving her credit for the little things she does for me helps.  And I remember that what happened in my childhood was not my fault. It also helps to remember that alcoholism gets passed on in families. If she came from that background there is a pretty good chance that she would be too.  It doesn’t excuse–at all– what she did, but sometimes trying to understand helps.  It does me, anyway. I remind myself that in her own, warped way my mother loves me.  Maybe in spite of it all, your mom loves you too.  She just had a problem loving herself, and unfortunately you bore the brunt of it. You don’t have to forgive her–I haven’t forgiven mine.  But as time goes on I am slowly making peace with the situation–and it helps. Kate

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