Question:
Bravo, Vicki.
:>You’re lucky it went away that quick! We don’t react when my son says :>it, but he still says it. He doesn’t say it to get a particular effect :>anymore, though. For him, it is only said out of anger, and without :>any prompting, he will usually apolgoze or change his attitude and come :>in a bit later (after he’s cooled off) and says "I’m sorry for everything :>I did before. It’s just that I was so mad." (This is a big change :>and growth for him. When he was two his anger was completely out of :>control and for a year it only got worse. But slowly, with our help :>and guidance as to proper ways of expressing his anger.) So when :>he’s saying "I hate you" or "You’re fat" and he wants to just lash :>out in anger, I tell him that I don’t like what he’s saying and he :>needs to find another way of letting me know how he feels. If he :>continues, I tell him he needs to find another place to be angry, since :>he isn’t respecting me, and he goes. Usually. :My 8 yo son’s therapist gave us a good idea for this yesterday. They :worked together to make an "Angry List". On the left side they listed :8 appropriate ways to express anger. On the right side they listed 8 :inappropriate ways to express anger. They talked together for about :hour so that he had plenty of input into making the list (and she :already knew from my discussion with her beforehand some of the :inappropriate ways he had used to express anger). Then she made 2 :copies of the list for us on bright colored paper, and we have posted 
ne in the kitchen, and one in his room. :Today was our first test. When he lost his cool and threw a pencil at :me, I took him to the list and told him to read it again. He did, then :went to his room to cool off.
Response:
>You’re lucky it went away that quick! We don’t react when my son says >it, but he still says it. He doesn’t say it to get a particular effect >anymore, though. For him, it is only said out of anger, and without >any prompting, he will usually apolgoze or change his attitude and come >in a bit later (after he’s cooled off) and says "I’m sorry for everything >I did before. It’s just that I was so mad." (This is a big change >and growth for him. When he was two his anger was completely out of >control and for a year it only got worse. But slowly, with our help >and guidance as to proper ways of expressing his anger.) So when >he’s saying "I hate you" or "You’re fat" and he wants to just lash >out in anger, I tell him that I don’t like what he’s saying and he >needs to find another way of letting me know how he feels. If he >continues, I tell him he needs to find another place to be angry, since >he isn’t respecting me, and he goes. Usually.
My 8 yo son’s therapist gave us a good idea for this yesterday. They worked together to make an "Angry List". On the left side they listed 8 appropriate ways to express anger. On the right side they listed 8 inappropriate ways to express anger. They talked together for about hour so that he had plenty of input into making the list (and she already knew from my discussion with her beforehand some of the inappropriate ways he had used to express anger). Then she made 2 copies of the list for us on bright colored paper, and we have posted one in the kitchen, and one in his room. Today was our first test. When he lost his cool and threw a pencil at me, I took him to the list and told him to read it again. He did, then went to his room to cool off.
Response:
:You’re lucky it went away that quick! We don’t react when my son says :it, but he still says it. He doesn’t say it to get a particular effect :anymore, though. For him, it is only said out of anger, and without :any prompting, he will usually apolgoze or change his attitude and come :in a bit later (after he’s cooled off) and says "I’m sorry for everything :I did before. It’s just that I was so mad." (This is a big change :and growth for him. When he was two his anger was completely out of :control and for a year it only got worse. But slowly, with our help :and guidance as to proper ways of expressing his anger.) So when :he’s saying "I hate you" or "You’re fat" and he wants to just lash ut in anger, I tell him that I don’t like what he’s saying and he :needs to find another way of letting me know how he feels. If he :continues, I tell him he needs to find another place to be angry, since :he isn’t respecting me, and he goes. Usually. :Lately, however, we’ve been struggling as he asserts his will. And :as much as I love him and want him to be assertive in his life, I :am getting a bit tired of the attitude he has and the behaviors. He’s :always been stubborn and no was often one of his favorite words. But :now we struggle with how to handle his lack of respect for our authority. :I generally offer him time to do what he needs to in his own way, :and will occasionally note that his room still looks like it needs :his attention. (or whatever chore it is that he hasn’t done). But :lately he responds with a "NO" that sounds more like teenage attitude :than middle childhood/pre-pre-adolescent attitude. He’s seven, if :I didn’t mention it before. He seems to want to make it a battle of :the wills, and I don’t want to play. The question is how to get :things done (or his attitude changed or whathave you) without :becoming a part of the battle. :Anyone have any ideas? I’m not looking for recommendations that :I spank him. That won’t help with the underlying issue: he needs :to learn how to express himself and be autonomous and independant, :yet still be a respectful part of our family. *sigh* I think it :is simply a matter of doing what we’ve been doing and being patient :as he struggles with learning. First, I need to say I very much admire your respect for your son, Kim. I think your concern for his autonomy and assertiveness is outstanding. As to his behavior, I would allow him freedom over his personal stuff, bedroom, food, etc. If he’s not doing well with larger tasks, start him off with smaller tasks, and let him get good at those, rewarding him for completion with "well done," and maybe a treat. Then gradually add more. For example, teach him how to make his bed. Don’t start with super perfection. Let it be sloppy. Have a dallop of ice cream (or some other treat) for him to enjoy after he’s done. When he’s done this for a couple of months, add something, like putting his dirty clothes in the hamper. Follow that with a reward, too. If he starts balking on tasks, back off and reduce the tasks. Give him more time get used to the lesser responsibility, until it gets to be a habit. Then add.
Response:
Talk about positive parenting! All the responses in the above thread were outstanding.
Response:
:> :> When my son was that age, he used to tell me the same thing. My reply, :> "I’m sorry you feel that way, son, but I still love you anyway." :> :> He doesn’t tell me that anymore. :It’s okay for a child to express their dissappointment over a decision, :but they must be taught to do so respectfully. As a father of five it :is MY responsibility to affirm my wife and assure that the children :treat their mother with respect. Disrespect is another behavior totally I agree. I think the best way to teach children respect is to treat them with respect, rather than hitting them, or calling them names, or degrading them, or doing anything to reduce their self-esteem.
Response:
I suggest that you use less words! Less explaination. Kids can’t "hear" after the first few words, and are frustrated. So, try making it nice, firm and bried! Shirley – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >: >: >I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that he >: >cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" or "You’re >: >mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my decision >: >to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: "Mom, >: >can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re about to >: >eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" >: >: >I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell him how >: >those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But he continues >: >to say these things when I do or say something that he doesn’t >: >agree with. >: >: Try responding to his feelings with language that you would find more >: appropriate. "I know you are angry because you can’t have that ice >: cream cone now. It would really taste good, wouldn’t it? And you are >: really mad at me because I won’t let you have it right now. But after >: you eat dinner, then I will fix you one, and I might even have one >: with you!" >: >: The more he learns to verbalize his feelings, the less he will need to >: rely on stock replies such as "I hate you" or "You are mean." >: >: When mine lose control, I get away for a few minutes (either by >: sending them out of the room or leaving the room myself), then I go to >: the child and suggest we try the conversation again, this time using >: more appropriate language to discuss the issue. >: >: When I was a kid and got angry, my Mom always said, very calmly, "I >: must be a MEAN mother, that I won’t let you …." Over time it became >: a very loving thing to say, because I knew that it meant that she was >: very concerned and caring in overseeing me. >Sounds really good, Vicki.
Response:
: When through the same thing with mine for a SHORT time. I simply : responded with a smile and said "I am sorry to hear that but I love you : anyway and you can still have the ice cream after supper". When you : take away it power their statement becomes a waste of their effort. He : only did that for about 2 weeks and when he realized that it had no : effect either way….he stopped. You’re lucky it went away that quick! We don’t react when my son says it, but he still says it. He doesn’t say it to get a particular effect anymore, though. For him, it is only said out of anger, and without any prompting, he will usually apolgoze or change his attitude and come in a bit later (after he’s cooled off) and says "I’m sorry for everything I did before. It’s just that I was so mad." (This is a big change and growth for him. When he was two his anger was completely out of control and for a year it only got worse. But slowly, with our help and guidance as to proper ways of expressing his anger.) So when he’s saying "I hate you" or "You’re fat" and he wants to just lash out in anger, I tell him that I don’t like what he’s saying and he needs to find another way of letting me know how he feels. If he continues, I tell him he needs to find another place to be angry, since he isn’t respecting me, and he goes. Usually. Lately, however, we’ve been struggling as he asserts his will. And as much as I love him and want him to be assertive in his life, I am getting a bit tired of the attitude he has and the behaviors. He’s always been stubborn and no was often one of his favorite words. But now we struggle with how to handle his lack of respect for our authority. I generally offer him time to do what he needs to in his own way, and will occasionally note that his room still looks like it needs his attention. (or whatever chore it is that he hasn’t done). But lately he responds with a "NO" that sounds more like teenage attitude than middle childhood/pre-pre-adolescent attitude. He’s seven, if I didn’t mention it before. He seems to want to make it a battle of the wills, and I don’t want to play. The question is how to get things done (or his attitude changed or whathave you) without becoming a part of the battle. Anyone have any ideas? I’m not looking for recommendations that I spank him. That won’t help with the underlying issue: he needs to learn how to express himself and be autonomous and independant, yet still be a respectful part of our family. *sigh* I think it is simply a matter of doing what we’ve been doing and being patient as he struggles with learning. Suggestions will be appreciated. Kim
Response:
Talk about positive parenting. All the above responses int this thread were outstanding.
Response:
> Path:
rocksanne!parc!nntp-hub.barrnet.net!nntp-hub2.barrnet.net!news.PBI.net!samb a.ra hul.net!rahul.net!a2i!hustle.rahul.net!rahul.net!a2i!news.clark.net!world1. bawa ve.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!nntp.earthlink.net!usenet > Newsgroups: alt.parenting.solutions > Organization: Earthlink Network, Inc. > Lines: 4 > NNTP-Posting-Host: pool015.max9.detroit.mi.dynip.alter.net > X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.0.82 > Talk about positive parenting! All the responses in the above thread > were outstanding.
And yet another *I* did not send Don’t worry I will figure out who you are and how you are doing this….. -Jeanne
Response:
> When my son was that age, he used to tell me the same thing. My reply, > "I’m sorry you feel that way, son, but I still love you anyway." > He doesn’t tell me that anymore.
I think that one important point that many parents miss is that HATE is not the opposite of love. Think about this – SELFISHNESS is the opposite of love, as selfLESSness is the manifestation of love. Hate is the opposite of LIKE. And, if we think about it, there are times when we really don’t like our kids – if only for the duration of their tantrum. It’s okay for a child to express their dissappointment over a decision, but they must be taught to do so respectfully. As a father of five it is MY responsibility to affirm my wife and assure that the children treat their mother with respect. Disrespect is another behavior totally separate from their disappointment. For example, if a policeman writes you a ticket for speeding, it’s okay to express disappointment. However, if you show disrespect to the officer by waving goodbye with only one finger, you may find yourself in hot water over a totally different issue than the ticket. The 7 C’s Joe & Marilyn Austin, Brandon, Catherine, Denae, & Emily
Response:
Excellent Dbenya. : I think kids feel first and think later. I try : to remember that when Zane (3+) is telling : me not only that he hates me but what the : consequences of that are going to be. (‘The : police are going to come and shoot you!) : : I’m bigger than he is and I have control of : the chocolate milk, his bedtime and the : remote. All he has is his words. : : Whenever my neighbor’s son (6+) blurts : out that he hates her she has a wonderful : way of acknowledging his feelings (‘I’m sure : you do feel like you hate me right now.’) : and moves on (‘But you’re still not watching : another 48 hours of television.’) I try to : follow her example. :
Response:
Outstanding, Deb. : When my son was that age, he used to tell me the same thing. My reply, : "I’m sorry you feel that way, son, but I still love you anyway."
Response:
: When my son was that age, he used to tell me the same thing. My reply, :"I’m sorry you feel that way, son, but I still love you anyway." : : He doesn’t tell me that anymore. Excellent, Deb.
Response:
Jody writes: >I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that >he >cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" >or "You’re >mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my >decision >to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: >"Mom, >can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re >about to >eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" >I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell >him how >those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But >he continues >to say these things when I do or say something that he >doesn’t >agree with.
When my daughter was 5 thru 7 she would tell me on occasion that she hated me and that I was a horrible mother and that she wanted to go live with her best friend’s mom….all because she couldn’t get her way. It was painful to hear but I would calmly respond with "You’re very angry with me now but I know you don’t *really* hate me…..you’re angry because you want an ice cream cone and I said no. It’s okay to be angry with mom….everyone gets angry…but the answer is still no." She gradually outgrew the need to "hate" me. We’re very close now and she’s open with her feelings because she knows they’ll be accepted. Unfortunately now that she’s rapidly approaching her teens I’m afraid she may find the need to "hate" me again! (But maybe not.) Debra
Response:
>I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that he >cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" or "You’re >mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my decision >to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: "Mom, >can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re about to >eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" >I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell him how >those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But he continues >to say these things when I do or say something that he doesn’t >agree with.
Try to get used to it – my teenagers are still using the same tactics. My response then (and now) is "Well, I’m sorry about that, but you still have to …." I do more explaining now and do it earlier, because my teens are (somewhat) more open to it (depending on their hormonal level at the time!), but with my 4 yo, it is usually best to wait until later to really explain why we do or don’t do certain things and why mommy’s feelings are hurt by what she says. (I do offer the explanation at the time, but it *never* has any effect on what she wants and at the time, she could care less if my feelings are hurt!) It also helps in my house to say "yes" as much as we can – as in "Can I have ice cream?" "Yes, *after* supper". Good luck! Nancy (mom of 3)
Response:
JO>I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that he JO>cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" or "You’re JO>mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my decision JO>to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: "Mom, JO>can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re about to JO>eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" JO>I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell him how JO>those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But he continues JO>to say these things when I do or say something that he doesn’t JO>agree with. When through the same thing with mine for a SHORT time. I simply responded with a smile and said "I am sorry to hear that but I love you anyway and you can still have the ice cream after supper". When you take away it power their statement becomes a waste of their effort. He only did that for about 2 weeks and when he realized that it had no effect either way….he stopped. -Terri — Trouble’s Moon BBS (303) 833-3735 or (303) 665-9398 Where an Adult can Be a kid! Home of Personalized Childrens Books!
Response:
When my son was that age, he used to tell me the same thing. My reply, "I’m sorry you feel that way, son, but I still love you anyway." He doesn’t tell me that anymore. — (Dazzy)Deb Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell is afraid I’ll take over!
Response:
>>I have a six year old boy. At times, >when I tell him that he cannot do >something, he will respond, "I hate >you, mom!" or "You’re mean!" I have >tried to calmly explain the reason for >my decision to no avail, he listens >then repeats the above. >Don’t feel so bad….my six and 1/2 >year old is the same, except I get not >I only "I hate you, Mom" but "I hate my >life" and "You and Daddy are the worst >parents in the world!".
I think kids feel first and think later. I try to remember that when Zane (3+) is telling me not only that he hates me but what the consequences of that are going to be. (‘The police are going to come and shoot you!) I’m bigger than he is and I have control of the chocolate milk, his bedtime and the remote. All he has is his words. Whenever my neighbor’s son (6+) blurts out that he hates her she has a wonderful way of acknowledging his feelings (‘I’m sure you do feel like you hate me right now.’) and moves on (‘But you’re still not watching another 48 hours of television.’) I try to follow her example.
Response:
: : >I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that he : >cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" or "You’re : >mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my decision : >to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: "Mom, : >can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re about to : >eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" : : >I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell him how : >those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But he continues : >to say these things when I do or say something that he doesn’t : >agree with. : : Try responding to his feelings with language that you would find more : appropriate. "I know you are angry because you can’t have that ice : cream cone now. It would really taste good, wouldn’t it? And you are : really mad at me because I won’t let you have it right now. But after : you eat dinner, then I will fix you one, and I might even have one : with you!" : : The more he learns to verbalize his feelings, the less he will need to : rely on stock replies such as "I hate you" or "You are mean." : : When mine lose control, I get away for a few minutes (either by : sending them out of the room or leaving the room myself), then I go to : the child and suggest we try the conversation again, this time using : more appropriate language to discuss the issue. : : When I was a kid and got angry, my Mom always said, very calmly, "I : must be a MEAN mother, that I won’t let you …." Over time it became : a very loving thing to say, because I knew that it meant that she was : very concerned and caring in overseeing me. Sounds really good, Vicki.
Response:
Don’t feel so bad….my six and 1/2 year old is the same, except I get not I only "I hate you, Mom" but "I hate my life" and "You and Daddy are the worst parents in the world!". I do the same as you, tell her it hurts my feelings. We moved last year and this year we are lucky enough to live on a street where several of the children in her class live all w/in a block. I have had a chance to discuss this more with other mothers of kids her age and they assure me they get the same comments, too. At least I know I’m not the only one! I definitely don’t think you should ignore it but don’t make a real huge issue out of it. We have begun telling her that if she isn’t nice to the others in the family then she will have to sit by herself in another room until she can treat others with respect…..every time it happens. I’ve also been trying to show her there are different ways to show she is frustrated – "I get so angry when you tell me I can’t have something" is a phrase I would accept, not "I hate you". It’s tough to be consistent – that’s my biggest downfall! Christine
Response:
>I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that he >cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" or "You’re >mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my decision >to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: "Mom, >can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re about to >eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" >I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell him how >those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But he continues >to say these things when I do or say something that he doesn’t >agree with.
Try responding to his feelings with language that you would find more appropriate. "I know you are angry because you can’t have that ice cream cone now. It would really taste good, wouldn’t it? And you are really mad at me because I won’t let you have it right now. But after you eat dinner, then I will fix you one, and I might even have one with you!" The more he learns to verbalize his feelings, the less he will need to rely on stock replies such as "I hate you" or "You are mean." When mine lose control, I get away for a few minutes (either by sending them out of the room or leaving the room myself), then I go to the child and suggest we try the conversation again, this time using more appropriate language to discuss the issue. When I was a kid and got angry, my Mom always said, very calmly, "I must be a MEAN mother, that I won’t let you …." Over time it became a very loving thing to say, because I knew that it meant that she was very concerned and caring in overseeing me.
Response:
I have a six year old boy. At times, when I tell him that he cannot do something, he will respond, "I hate you, mom!" or "You’re mean!" I have tried to calmly explain the reason for my decision to no avail, he listens then repeats the above. Example: "Mom, can I have an ice cream cone?" (before supper) "No, we’re about to eat supper. You can have one after supper." "You’re mean!" I have tried to ignore the comment. I have tried to tell him how those comments hurt my feelings and make me sad. But he continues to say these things when I do or say something that he doesn’t agree with.
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.