Pure Parents

Question:

> I feel for what you are going through.  But I think you need to take an > objective look at how you are interacting with your son and maybe make > some changes.  I am not saying you are a bad parent and I definitely > don’t think your child is a bad kid, just that you son needs a different > style of parenting, perhaps.  I personally don’t like being the parent > that Alison needs me to be, but the key is that she needs this from me. > It helps her learn how to deal with the world better.

This is so funny.  I would have replyed the same way. We all have different personalities.  And like people in the world….some personalities clash. If one method of punishment does not work, then try something else.   This could talk alot of time to find out the right one, but it would be worth it. I do not spank my children, well, I guess I should say very rarely do I.  I talk to them, and it takes alot out of me, but I have learned to listen and quit saying, because I said so!!!! Or, ‘I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!" which I was famous for in the past.   That was the way I was brought up….. You have to find a way that suits both of you.  All parents clash with their children at one time or another, but your children will love you for the time that you have given to them. I see all of you in me, and it is something that I am learning slowly and the hard way.  I am just glad that I am not the only one out there. I also do the reward system, and I give them a chance once a month for their input on rewards for certain things.  It gives them a chance to voice what they want, and gives us a chance to voice why we want them to do certain things.  Like a family Forum.  Do not get me wrong, the parents have the last say in the matter, but we want them to think for themselves, and learn to make decisions. Another thing that we do is have a fix it your self night at the house. It is their chance to show their independence. and my time for myself.   Of course there are rules to what they can eat.  It is a reward for all of us. Cheryl Mc – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Good luck.  Spirited children such as we have really cause us to grow in > many different ways. >         Karen

Response:

>  Has anything changed in his life (new sibling, lost pet, > divorce/separation)? > 18 mo new little sister. Mom works full time,  stays at home with me > and we’re very, very close. He said he does’nt like sharing me with anyone.

I personally think that this is key to his behavior.  My daughter (4.5 years) also likes to have all of our attention.  Whenever I play or talk to her brother (10 months), she says that we are nicer to him or we play with him more….which is definitely not true! We were having alot of problems with her at the beginning of this year….major, major anger tantrums which totally disrupted the whole daycare center (and it is pretty large; infants – kindergarten).  Some of the things we did:   1) changed her teachers.  Neither one was either affectionate enough (she is a very touchy-feely type of person and needs those physical strokings => hugs and such).  This required a psychological examination and recommendation, but since that was mainly with us as the parents, that wasn’t stressful to her.   2) I create a "Good Day" chart for her each week.  This is broken into Morning and Afternoon periods.  She gets to put a sticker on for each good period.  This in itself worked fine for a while.  Now, if she didn’t have a good week, she doesn’t get to do some of the special things she likes (like McDonalds or going to visit her cousin).  3) I got tougher on her.  I was somewhat lenient with her (might have a similar problem since your son likes the "lenient" teacher) and I stopped giving into her.  It’s really hard, since generally I was following the path of choosing my battles.  Unfortunately, with Alison, this doesn’t work.  If you give anytime, she’ll push you always, everytime.  So, if I say no, I mean no.  And I say no more often (for good reasons).  I don’t yell or scream; but I stay firm.  If we are out of the house, I let her scream, but I either pick her up and move her physically or I start to walk away (very slowly, always telling her that it is time to go and that she should stay with me).   I’ve been meaning to set up another chart and reward system for home stuff and haven’t gotten around to it.  That is the next step.  Also, she has to learn she doesn’t get all my attention and why.  I try hard to be fair with both of them, but sometimes one can’t be — especially with a baby.   We’ve been lucky, even though it has been a tough 5 months.  She is now a much more cooperative child.  She still loses it (just a week or so ago, she was so out of control with anger that she ended up not going to swimming — I didn’t think it was fair to have them deal with her like that.  She yelled and screamed for 2 hours before she calmed down. We didn’t do anything to calm her down — in fact, I had to put my foot down on one issue since she had thrown something that she shouldn’t have.) Maybe anger isn’t your child’s problem like her…but there was a time when I thought I had a "problem child", too.  She isn’t.  Most of the issues has to do with our parenting methods.  They weren’t the right ones for Alison.  We just can’t give an inch with her UNLESS she earns it.  Most of the time, she is a loving, considerate, wonderful little girl.  But she can be bossy, aggressive, angry, willful, spiteful, mean and manipulative.  Just like anyone.  It’s up to us to help her control and it’s not easy. I feel for what you are going through.  But I think you need to take an objective look at how you are interacting with your son and maybe make some changes.  I am not saying you are a bad parent and I definitely don’t think your child is a bad kid, just that you son needs a different style of parenting, perhaps.  I personally don’t like being the parent that Alison needs me to be, but the key is that she needs this from me. It helps her learn how to deal with the world better. Good luck.  Spirited children such as we have really cause us to grow in many different ways.         Karen

Response:

> > What is it that makes my five year old not participate in his kindergarten > class? I had a long talk with his teacher and she told he’s the only one > like this.  HELP?!?!?!

You know, five year olds have pretty well developed personalities.  It is really difficult for some children who are very introverted or very shy to relate in group situations.  It is a long and painful process for these children to learn to have confidence in group situations.  Could it be that your son is painfully shy?  There are a lot of things you can do to help him become more well-adjusted in group-peer situations. But you might not want to label him a "problem" child yet.  Some kids have a little more difficulty in certain kinds of situations than others. Cyndi

Response:

I’ll reply to each of your questions: > More information would help. Is this a new thing, or has he never > participated in his k class? If he doesn’t participate, what does he do > while there? (He has to do something.)

He participates in what interests him and he enjoys and is reluctant to try new things. i.e. They brought in a music teacher for one class and he would’nt participate in learning a new song, but he wanted to play the instruments…beat to his own drum perhaps.  Do you like the teacher? Yes, he has two.  Does he > like the teacher?

He likes the older, more lenient one.  What has the teacher done to draw him into class > activities?

Move him to the front, this had a positive reaction.  Has anything changed in his life (new sibling, lost pet, > divorce/separation)?

18 mo new little sister. Mom works full time,  stays at home with me and we’re very, very close. He said he does’nt like sharing me with anyone. Does your son participate in playgroups outside of > the kindergarden?

Not playgroups specifically, but I’ve had him enrolled in several things. Floor hockey, cooking, swimming etc. He always displays similar characteristics such as not listening, and aggressive behaviour with the other children. Does he have a classmate with whom he plays outside of > class?

Yes, but they don’t last long because of his aggressive nature. > Do you talk to him about his day, and dig for details?

Always, and I try to be as subtle as possible. … had his doctor check his eyesight, hearing, and general > physical well-being?

Yes. > I’m sure that there’s a reason behind his reluctance to join the class, > and I don’t believe it’s because he’s "bad."

I never refer to him as bad…I just try to guide him onto the right path. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Asher

Response:

> What is it that makes my five year old not participate in his kindergarten > class? I had a long talk with his teacher and she told he’s the only one > like this.  HELP?!?!?!

More information would help. Is this a new thing, or has he never participated in his k class? If he doesn’t participate, what does he do while there? (He has to do something.) Do you like the teacher? Does he like the teacher? What has the teacher done to draw him into class activities? Has anything changed in his life (new sibling, lost pet, divorce/separation)? Does your son participate in playgroups outside of the kindergarden? Does he have a classmate with whom he plays outside of class? Do you talk to him about his day, and dig for details? (I’ve found that a quiet conversation immediately after school can be an eye-opener. Remember, though, that you want him to continue opening up to you — if you show strong emotion, or become threatening because he’s told you about mistreatment from either teacher or classmates, don’t be taken aback if he stops telling you things…. This is a good opportunity to build a base of trust and understanding so he can count on you to be on his side…. You know your child — if he tells you something you question, check it out quietly with the teacher. If he’s having problems being picked on, ask if he’s told the teacher, or if he’s told the other child(ren) how it makes him feel. Ask him if there are other children in the class that he particularly likes, and suggest ways to open up to them.) Have you had his doctor check his eyesight, hearing, and general physical well-being? I’m sure that there’s a reason behind his reluctance to join the class, and I don’t believe it’s because he’s "bad." Be your son’s advocate and search for the reason. "B"

Response:

What is it that makes my five year old not participate in his kindergarten class? I had a long talk with his teacher and she told he’s the only one like this.  HELP?!?!?!

Response:

>What is it that makes my five year old not participate in his kindergarten >class? I had a long talk with his teacher and she told he’s the only one >like this.  HELP?!?!?!

Not to scare you, but have you considered that he might suffer from depression?  (and not to suggest that you are a bad parent, either.  I think depression is a biological condition)

Response:

It also depends on how long he has been in class. Have you ask him about it. Go to the hores mouth as one would say. Did he go to pre school? Maybe he doesn’t feel comfterable with the teacher or the other kids. Kids are learning to be socialable at this age. Not all children are as outgoing as others. I have 2 boys and they are almost night and day in their attitudes. If there seems to be a problem you and your child might need to see a counseler. I also have web pages with information on a parenting program that I am a volunteer for. My web pages are free to visit. Location http://members.aol.com/soachman I also have cpr and first aid information. I also have a link to the Dad’s den some good information can also be found there. Glenn Glenn the Soachman

Response:

>What is it that makes my five year old not participate in his kindergarten >class? I had a long talk with his teacher and she told he’s the only one >like this.  HELP?!?!?!

I wonder why you think he *must* he be a ‘problem’ child?  Couldn’t it be that he is just very independent minded….?   This may cause you problems now, but it will stand him in good stead when he’s older (much more likely to say ‘no’ to drugs etc.).  Such independent children are few and far between, so it may not be surprising to find he’s the only one in his class. It may be worth consulting your GP or a child clinic to get an expert diagnosis.  If there is a problem, you’ll find out what the problem is.  If there isn’t a problem, you’ll give yourself some peace of mind. Steve Myers http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk Note: my ‘from’ address is mis-set to reduce ’spam’ emails. However, if ‘reply’ing, the correct address should appear. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

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