Question:
: his boundaries lately. For example: he wants to ride his bike in the : street because the neighbor kids do. He’s 7 years old and our street is : BUSY! Cars fly by here! The other kids have no business on the street : either but the mom doesn’t seem to care…she doesn’t even know where her : kids are 1/2 the time. I don’t think its too much to ask of him to ride : on the sidewalk! After punishing him in every way I mentioned : above…WHAT NOW? Do I let him ride in the street and just hope that he Take away his bike. This is a natural consequence, if he can’t follow the bike rules he can’r ride his bike. Take it away for a day the first time and increase the time slowly. tell him this is what you’ll do and discuss the rules with him so he knows what the consequnses are. This follows over to a lot of other things. If he doesn’t put his dirty clothes in the laundry, you can’t wash them, The important thing to remember that these are not punishments, but consequences. I personally reccomend a book called childen the challenge. It really explans this stuff well. Your attitude is important. You’re not punishing the kid, you’re simply letting him suffer the consequnses of his actions. (it took twice for Mike to NOT forget his lunch, if he didn’t take it with him to the bus I didn’t being it, he got hungry at lunch time (I called his teacher as told him what was happening so the school didn’t provide a lunch for him) and I don’t habe to rmind him any more) Cruel? I don’t think so, cruler to always protect your kids from the consequnces of their actions. I’ve gotta admit sometimes spanking does seem like the best way out especially when the natural consequenses are hard for me to follow through with. I hope that makes sense, Parenting is such fun! it’s neverthe same way twice in a row. I’ve just got pre-schoolers figured out, and now I don’t have any any more! Any way hope this helps! I have a nine year old a just eight year old and a five year old. Hoipe to talk agin later! — Heather Our Fantasies are the steping stones to our realities.
Response:
=>In this specific case (which my kids tried) I took away the bike for the rest =>of the day. So I had 2 kids riding bikes in the RIGHT place, and 1 with no =>bike. Haven’t had a problem since. Does it get any better – a logical consequence of misbehaviour that absolutely had the desired effect. And *no hitting*. Why is this so hard for some people to grasp, Chris? => =>How do we teach them respect for you, others, manners etc? Find something that =>they CARE about and is related to the offending act. I use the phrase "If you =>think this is a game" and "I’m NOT playing" and they have learned to do what =>they’re told, come when called, verbally respond (ie coming! I hear you! Ok =>Mom!) Don’t give up. Act the way you want them to act, say PLEASE when talking =>to them, say Thank you, excuse yourself if you burp. Boy, this goes to the root of it all, Chris. Respect. Not fear, but *respect* of a child for her/his parents. Too often the 2 ideas of fear and respect become interchangable, when in fact they are 2 very different things. And I agree wholeheartedly with practicing methods you want your kids to practice, ie. manners, kindness, generosity, respect for others.
Response:
>My kids over all are well behaved kids…they don’t > talk back to me, they have good manners etc. but my son is really testing > his boundaries lately. For example: he wants to ride his bike in the > street because the neighbor kids do. He’s 7 years old and our street is > BUSY! Cars fly by here! The other kids have no business on the street > either but the mom doesn’t seem to care…she doesn’t even know where her > kids are 1/2 the time. I don’t think its too much to ask of him to ride > on the sidewalk! After punishing him in every way I mentioned > above…WHAT NOW? Do I let him ride in the street and just hope that he > doesn’t get hit? No way! How do you teach kids respect for me and > others, manners, good morals and all and not spank them when nothing else > works? I’m not being sarcastic…I really want to know. I was spanked as > a child to and I was never close to my parents either. I really miss that > too! I want better than that for my 3 kids.
In this specific case (which my kids tried) I took away the bike for the rest of the day. So I had 2 kids riding bikes in the RIGHT place, and 1 with no bike. Haven’t had a problem since. How do we teach them respect for you, others, manners etc? Find something that they CARE about and is related to the offending act. I use the phrase "If you think this is a game" and "I’m NOT playing" and they have learned to do what they’re told, come when called, verbally respond (ie coming! I hear you! Ok Mom!) Don’t give up. Act the way you want them to act, say PLEASE when talking to them, say Thank you, excuse yourself if you burp. Chris
Response:
> I was spanked as a child to and I was never close to my parents either. > I really miss that too! >…(I was spanked too and feel the same way about it as you)
I was whipped by my mother as a child, rather soundly and frequently enough. However, I have always felt very close to her, and continue to do so today. I am not discounting the feelings of the two mentioned above, and also by some others previously, and assume that their feelings are just as they say they are. However, it is difficult for me to understand. Can any of you who have these feelings offer any insight into how or why you developed these ‘distant’ feelings over this? Were you influenced by the views or words of others? Were there other factors in the relationship which might have affected you? I’m not assuming anything, but would just like some insight. Thanks, Dennis (Pop to Jason, Rachael, Sarah, Heather, Melissa/Liana, Hannah, & Devin in Heaven)
Response:
> I too spank my kids if they need it. It has to be something pretty bad to > get a spanking though. I Hate it!! I want so much to disipline my kids > without spanking but nothing else seems to work on my 7 year old son.
If you feel so badly about spanking your children, perhaps the first thing to do is to stop doing it. Then ask yourself why? Why do you fel bad about spanking, and why does it not seem to work? You may not have the complete answers now, but this self-examination exercise may shed some light. To > the people out there that have well behaved kids and do not spank…how do > you do it? I’ve tried "time out" I’ve tried sending him to his room up > to 2 hrs.
Ask yourself if this is age-appropriate. What sort of message might you be sending to your child when you leasve him alone in the room for that long a period? ( he just goes to sleep), I’ve tried making him stand in the > middle of his room for a long time, I’ve tried taking tv away etc. but its > just not working!
Here’s where you have to ask some hard questions. What behavior do you expect from your children in order to qulaify as "working" as opposed to "not working". Do you expect immediate, unquestioning compliance? Are your standards a little too high (age-inappropriate)? My kids over all are well behaved kids…they don’t > talk back to me, they have good manners etc. but my son is really testing > his boundaries lately. For example: he wants to ride his bike in the > street because the neighbor kids do. He’s 7 years old and our street is > BUSY! Cars fly by here! The other kids have no business on the street > either but the mom doesn’t seem to care…she doesn’t even know where her > kids are 1/2 the time. I don’t think its too much to ask of him to ride > on the sidewalk! After punishing him in every way I mentioned > above…WHAT NOW? Do I let him ride in the street and just hope that he > doesn’t get hit? No way!
When children put themselves in dangerous situation, you know instinctively that you have to act. The question is what to do. Does he understand why he should not be riding? Maybe he does, but it is still soooo tempting to ride with the other kids. Perhaps you can think of ways where he can spend time with the other kids without being on the road. What if the behavior is also in part, direct defiance? Do you think removing the bike for some prescribed period may work after you have explained to him the consequences? How do you teach kids respect for me and > others, manners, good morals and all and not spank them when nothing else > works? I’m not being sarcastic…I really want to know.
Respect is something that has to be earned. It is not a given. Manners is probably best taught with some combination of instruction and modeling. But the undelying principles behind manners are really those of consideration and sensitivity for others. It may also have to do with some measure of respect for others. Teaching morals is probably the most difficult. The parents have to know clearly the principles underlying right and wrong before they can impart them. Religion is closely tied to this as well, and in fact, in most cases, form the basis for morality. So, teach your religion to your child. Understand why you believe whatever you believe and teach that to your child. I was spanked as > a child to and I was never close to my parents either. I really miss that > too! I want better than that for my 3 kids.
Parents tend to discipline the way they themselves have been disciplined, because that may be the only way they know how. Reading some books on parenting might help (but of course, there are some that are just not worth the paper they’re printed on). The trick is to spend alot of time thinking about creative alternative ways of directly your child’s behavior. As much as is reasonable, make use of natural consequences. One really has to spend days and nights thinking about how to adjust to each of your children’s unique personality and situations. To some extent, it is a trial and error process, but within certain broad guidelines. Many parents find it helpful to put themselves in the child’s shoes and imagine what it is like to go through the entire day as that child. I don’t have the answers for you, but I hope this is helpful. 
Response:
<snip> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> For example: he wants to ride his bike in the >street because the neighbor kids do. He’s 7 years old and our street is >BUSY! Cars fly by here! The other kids have no business on the street >either but the mom doesn’t seem to care…she doesn’t even know where her >kids are 1/2 the time. I don’t think its too much to ask of him to ride >on the sidewalk! After punishing him in every way I mentioned >above…WHAT NOW? Do I let him ride in the street and just hope that he >doesn’t get hit? No way! How do you teach kids respect for me and >others, manners, good morals and all and not spank them when nothing else >works? I’m not being sarcastic…I really want to know. I was spanked as >a child to and I was never close to my parents either. I really miss that >too! I want better than that for my 3 kids.
Try natural consequences. Tell him that if he rides in the street, he will get his bike taken away for a day. Then when/if he does. Take it away. Lengthen the time if it happens again. Time out for a seven year old should only be 7 minutes long. 2+ hours is _way_ too long. He’s forgotten what he’s there for. Of course, maybe he just needed a nap that day . Hope this helps. Nyoka (I was spanked too and feel the same way about it as you)
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I too spank my kids if they need it. It has to be something pretty bad to > get a spanking though. I Hate it!! I want so much to disipline my kids > without spanking but nothing else seems to work on my 7 year old son. To > the people out there that have well behaved kids and do not spank…how do > you do it? I’ve tried "time out" I’ve tried sending him to his room up > to 2 hrs.( he just goes to sleep), I’ve tried making him stand in the > middle of his room for a long time, I’ve tried taking tv away etc. but its > just not working! My kids over all are well behaved kids…they don’t > talk back to me, they have good manners etc. but my son is really testing > his boundaries lately. For example: he wants to ride his bike in the > street because the neighbor kids do. He’s 7 years old and our street is > BUSY! Cars fly by here! The other kids have no business on the street > either but the mom doesn’t seem to care…she doesn’t even know where her > kids are 1/2 the time. I don’t think its too much to ask of him to ride > on the sidewalk! After punishing him in every way I mentioned > above…WHAT NOW? Do I let him ride in the street and just hope that he > doesn’t get hit? No way! How do you teach kids respect for me and > others, manners, good morals and all and not spank them when nothing else > works? I’m not being sarcastic…I really want to know. I was spanked as > a child to and I was never close to my parents either. I really miss that > too! I want better than that for my 3 kids.
First let me say that nothing I’m about to write is intended as a criticism of you in any way. I don’t doubt your intelligence or your love for your children, nor your competence as a mother. Children are more different that snowflakes. What works with one, even in the same family, may not work with another. Being close to our parents, or our children, is not related to spanking or refraining from spanking. It is related to one thing you mentioned, boundaries, and another which I call nurture. From my experience, only 1 on 5 families experience significant nurture. I say
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.