Pure Parents

Question:

> I’ve written before regarding my 2 year old who won’t stay in bed at nap > time or at night.  I have tried every suggestion I was given and, so > far, nothing is working.  The bedtime hour is turning into 1 1/2 hours > and sometimes 2 just to get her to stay in bed.

Ohhh, it’s so nice to meet someone who’s dealing with the same thing I am!! Nap time has switched to the couch. He brings out his pillow and blanket, I put on Disney or Nick Jr and set a timer. He has to stay on the couch for 1 hour. No, he doesn’t sleep but he’s semi-quiet. I’ll hear him singing along <G> If he doesn’t stay on the couch, he’s gated in his room. With other children, we’ve put the doorknob thingy on their side of the door, which keeps them in. I haven’t dealt with a 2 yr old in a day care situation, but /i do have 4 of my own, so I’ve dealt with a 2 yr old in a crowd, and on one-to-one. My 2 yr old is definately more agressive after spending time with his brothers. I think it’s an attention getting ploy, but that doesn’t make it any easier. You might want to concentrate on 1 behavior, and IMHO climbing the gate seems like a logical first step. Removal of a favorite toy, for a specific time, or a timeout for climbing the gate. She’ll get the idea. I can relate to typing with a child on your lap, cuz I am too! Thank goodness for the backspace key ChrisOD Mom-to-Mom http://www.cluein.com/cluein/public_summary.html?cid=R1556 A messageboard run by a Mom, for other Moms all about being Moms

Response:

Two year olds are asserting themselves in so many ways that for parents used to their toddlers who mostly were not defiant, it is hard to cope. No, you are NOT a horrible parent, just a stressed one. So, along with anything you do with the child, try to destress yourself as well.   Is there anyway that you can take yourself out of the struggle for at least some short period of time each day (maybe dad could put her to bed or if you are a single mom, some other relative or friend can relieve you of *mommy* duty for a little while if not each day than once or twice a week)? That said with a two year old, the important thing is to remain calm even when they are not calm.  Give them choices and positive things that they can do as often as you can. For example, you say she wants to play in the kitty litter.  Try to make that inaccessible and to get some other messy thing that she can play in.  Maybe you can clear an area in the kitchen that isn’t too hard to clean up and put some *clean sand* from the toy store in a small dishpan for her to play with. Since she likes to play with the phone, try getting an old phone she can carry around and play with.  When she is thirsty and asks for juice (and you don’t want her to have too much of this for nutritional reasons) offer water.  And if you have a refrigerator that makes ice cubes and has a spout to get water from, let her get it herself.  If not, use a small step stool that she can get at the sink so she can get her own drinks – dixie cups and a stepping stool will allow her to drink when she is thirsty without your help and while she may play in the water, so what? Try not to yell, in fact, you might try whispering.  This intriques two year olds and they listen better. Try to think of ways to make the days fun.  Since you are running a daycare, it may be that she is a bit jealous of the attention the other children are getting, so make sure that you spend fun time with her alone after they leave.  Let her help you with getting dinner if you can instead of trying to get her to play by herself at this time. Hope some of this is useful.  Good luck.  And it is a phase that will pass as she becomes better able to express herself in words. Dorothy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I’ve written before regarding my 2 year old who won’t stay in bed at nap >time or at night.  I have tried every suggestion I was given and, so >far, nothing is working.  The bedtime hour is turning into 1 1/2 hours >and sometimes 2 just to get her to stay in bed. >If it were just the sleeping issue, I would be able to deal with it. >However, my entire day is nothing but a struggle with her.  She has >"fits" over everything from not being able to have juice 24 hours a day >to not being able to stand in her booster chair during meals.  She jumps >up and down on my tables, she breaks anything she can (toys and books >mainly since anything dangerous is out of her reach) and she climbs our >gates to unplug my bedroom lamps, take the phone off the hook and play >in the kitty litter.  These are just a few of the things that she does >ALL DAY LONG!  I find that I do nothing but yell at her all day long and >then at night I berate myself for being such a horrible Mother.  I am >trying to convince myself this is just a phase and won’t last much >longer.  I also realize she is only 2 and doesn’t mean to cause trouble >she is just curious but while it is happening I don’t think like that. >I should mention that I run a daycare out of my place so I have 5 >children here all day so it makes my stress level that much worse. >I guess I am looking for coping ideas from parents who have been through >this and survived to help others. >I hope this makes sense as I am typing this with her on my lap and I’m >obviously not very good at doing 2 things at one time. >I would appreciate any comments you could offer.  Thank you! >Catherine

Response:

For night time, I babyproofed the bedroom, put a gate on the doorway and left them to it.  Yes, it takes them a while to go to bed, but they can’t hurt themselves and IMHO it’s *their* responsibility.  It sounds like your daughter might climb a gate, so you could also try a babyproof door handle cover on the inside of her door or even (if it doesn’t make you uneasy) a lock on the outside of the door … For day time, it’s kinda like a day care here every day .  What I have done is use a combination of locked doors (I have hook-and-eye closures at the top of every bathroom door, the utility room, the back door, my bedroom and I use those closet locks on all bifold doors).  Then *every* room to which they have access (except the kitchen, where they are never permitted alone) is SAFE and I don’t have to have eyes in the back of my head.  The dog food (read: kitty litter) is inaccessible, so are the lamps and the computer, etc. It sounds to me like (with so many kids around) you just *have* to invest in some more hardware to take away some of your stress (not to mention reducing the temptations and dangers for *all* your "inmates"). –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor  (10/21/96)

Response:

Been there done that!! I really sympathize! there is a book a really like- Parenting the Strong willed Child by Forehand and Long (I am always recommending it in this NG) and also Love and Anger the Parental dilemma by Nancy Samalin. You may also want to consider doing some excessive child proofing. At one point I unplugged all my table lamps all telephones save one. Put all these things plus house plants in the guest room and shut the door.  I even took the coffee table out of the den because she kept standing on it. Can you get some time to yourself? maybe that would help you not feel so stressed. I personally would not do the lying down thing to get them to go to sleep.  I know of some people who started this and wound up staying in there childs room for hours!!  Everytime they would try to get up from the bed the child would wake up. but whatever works for you. Good Luck!! J Before you buy.

Response:

>If it were just the sleeping issue, I would be able to deal with it. >However, my entire day is nothing but a struggle with her.  She has >"fits" over everything from not being able to have juice 24 hours a day >to not being able to stand in her booster chair during meals.  She jumps >up and down on my tables, she breaks anything she can (toys and books >mainly since anything dangerous is out of her reach) and she climbs our >gates to unplug my bedroom lamps, take the phone off the hook and play >in the kitty litter.  These are just a few of the things that she does >ALL DAY LONG!  I find that I do nothing but yell at her all day long and >then at night I berate myself for being such a horrible Mother.  I am >trying to convince myself this is just a phase and won’t last much >longer.  I also realize she is only 2 and doesn’t mean to cause trouble >she is just curious but while it is happening I don’t think like that.

Yeesh.. Your daughter sounds like Melissa when she was two..  I had to be consistent and even though she was "only two" I got it through to her that it is *MY* house and she was not allowed to destroy it.  Time in the corner worked too but it was the consistency part and taking the reigns that worked the best.  Unfortunately, she was under this impression that she ran the show and I perpetuated and encouraged it by not being firm enough and flying off the handle.  Remain calm and FIRM!  Do not let everyday become a struggle, I know it feels like its out of control, the only way to remedy it is by taking the control.   She could also be acting out since there are other kids there and she does not know how to voice her jealousy or discomfort in having the other kids there, that could be part of it.  When my daughter was two, there were a lot of factors that caused her to act like a crazy person, IE Husband was in Korea, we were living with my parents etc.  She was completely disoriented and unruly. This might be part of your daughters cause for disruption..   Good luck to you.. I know it feels like your losing your mind but it will pass…  Figure out what could be the cause of her unrulyness and eliminate it. -Laura — Wicked Witch of the Net — I may be going to hell in a bucket, but at least I’m enjoying the ride — Turning the big 25 on Thursday.. Quarter of a century.. sheesh.. where has the time gone?

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If it were just the sleeping issue, I would be able to deal with it. > However, my entire day is nothing but a struggle with her.  She has > "fits" over everything from not being able to have juice 24 hours a day > to not being able to stand in her booster chair during meals.  She jumps > up and down on my tables, she breaks anything she can (toys and books > mainly since anything dangerous is out of her reach) and she climbs our > gates to unplug my bedroom lamps, take the phone off the hook and play > in the kitty litter.  These are just a few of the things that she does > ALL DAY LONG!  I find that I do nothing but yell at her all day long and > then at night I berate myself for being such a horrible Mother.  I am > trying to convince myself this is just a phase and won’t last much > longer.  I also realize she is only 2 and doesn’t mean to cause trouble > she is just curious but while it is happening I don’t think like that. > I should mention that I run a daycare out of my place so I have 5 > children here all day so it makes my stress level that much worse.

Seems to me as if you are having a real rough time:( BTDT, and still doing it, so I know how it feels!!!! I must admit I haven’t followed the sleeping thread, because my feelings and approach to kids’ sleep is different than most: I simply do not believe in forcing them to sleep on their own. And we don’t really have a schedule, until they have to get up in the morning, which, in our case, is when they head off for school. Therefore, I have no idea what the suggestions have been!!! Here’s mine: Have you tried lying down with her at bedtime? That’s what I do, most nights, with both my kids, and it is the surest way to get them to sleep. With my 3.9 yo daughter, it means spending about 1/2 hour with her, until she fall asleep. However, with my 8 yo son, it usually means spending 5 minutes with him. He’s dead to world in no time at all:). This is a practice we started when our son was about you daughter’s age and we were having some of the same problems. I find that it takes a lot less energy on our part, is a lot more pleasant for all and is a time for a very special one-on-one with each child. I usually don’t DO anything, I just lie down with them, hold them, sometimes stroke them, and it eases them into sleep. As far as the problems you are having with her during the day, it sounds as if you are dealing with a VERY independant and willful 2 yo. That’s normal, but very stressful. One thing that comes to mind is that you need to focus on one or two problems at a time. That means that you have to choose which of her behaviors is the most inappropriate and dangerous, and to kind of ignore the others. The best way to do this is through rewards and behavior charts. Reward her when she behaves the way you want her to. The rewards do not need to be big (smileys work GREAT with my son), they just have to be significant enough to show her that you DO know when she is behaving in an appropriate and desired manner. As far as the other, less inconvenient behaviors, just ignore them. You can let her know that you don’t LIKE those behaviors, but don’t yell at her or punish her. Hopefully, by having a more positive relationship with her, you’ll reach the point where those inacceptable behaviors will reduce and even disappear, because she’ll WANT to please you. Good luck — Danielle, Maman to Marc-Andre – May 22, 1991 and Genevieve – Dec. 18, 1995 and recently weaned Writing from Canada Parent-L Birth secretary Visit my new web-page, view new pics of the kids, and, please, sign my guest-book!! http://members.tripod.com/~dchenier/home.html My ICQ # is 6463692 Canadian Special Education Chat Room – http://members.tripod.com/~dchenier/canspec.html &canspec ICQ # 33710657

Response:

I’ve written before regarding my 2 year old who won’t stay in bed at nap time or at night.  I have tried every suggestion I was given and, so far, nothing is working.  The bedtime hour is turning into 1 1/2 hours and sometimes 2 just to get her to stay in bed. If it were just the sleeping issue, I would be able to deal with it. However, my entire day is nothing but a struggle with her.  She has "fits" over everything from not being able to have juice 24 hours a day to not being able to stand in her booster chair during meals.  She jumps up and down on my tables, she breaks anything she can (toys and books mainly since anything dangerous is out of her reach) and she climbs our gates to unplug my bedroom lamps, take the phone off the hook and play in the kitty litter.  These are just a few of the things that she does ALL DAY LONG!  I find that I do nothing but yell at her all day long and then at night I berate myself for being such a horrible Mother.  I am trying to convince myself this is just a phase and won’t last much longer.  I also realize she is only 2 and doesn’t mean to cause trouble she is just curious but while it is happening I don’t think like that. I should mention that I run a daycare out of my place so I have 5 children here all day so it makes my stress level that much worse. I guess I am looking for coping ideas from parents who have been through this and survived to help others. I hope this makes sense as I am typing this with her on my lap and I’m obviously not very good at doing 2 things at one time. I would appreciate any comments you could offer.  Thank you! Catherine

Response: