Pure Parents

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I am a mother of two sons, three and twenty-one months. I have been having >problems with my in-laws for all of the three years my husband and I have >been married. I say problems but it really has been more than that. My >in-laws have actually thrown temper tantrums and stormed out of my house >because I instituted a time-out for my son who was getting too rowdy. Mostly >they have just been doing small things like treating me like a child and >ignoring all rules I make for my children. >My husband has been playing go-between for as long as he could, but now I >have put my foot down and have not allowed them to see the boys for almost >two months. ( We live in the same town). My mother-in-law has always been >very domineering. She always had controll over her two sons and her husband. >My son really feels like it is his responsibility to make his mother happy >and wants this to be reconciled. I myself have been hurt too many times > and never been apologized to) to forgive anymore. >My question is regarding my children. They have my parents who are very >loving and active grandparents whom they see often, so would it be so awful >if they grew up with only one set? I have given my husband the option of >seeing the in-laws on his own with the children ( I do not trust what they >would say to the boys about me alone), but he will not saying that nothing >will be allowed to get between us. What should I do? >Wanting to be a saint….? >Amy

Amy, You have my sympathy.  I have a difficult relationship with my MIL, too, and after 18-1/2 years, I still haven’t found a complete answer.   Stick to your guns about discipline in your own house.  Your children will know what to expect from you.  Rules can be different at your IL’s and the kids will adapt.  I wouldn’t cut them off from their paternal grandparents completely because they deserve to know both sides of their family.  And I wouldn’t even go so far as to monitor their time with your IL’s, unless you think they would be in physical danger.   My kids are 14, 11, 7, and 4.  The 14-y.o. is now old enough to begin to see some of the discrepancies in what his grandparents SAY versus how they ACT.  He was convinced for several years that I hated his grandparents and that it was all my fault.  This last summer he began to see for himself what I have seen.  And it helps that his dad/my husband openly supports me and the way we are raising our family and isn’t shy about letting his parents know where he stands. I came from a background where it was considered very rude to contradict your elders and where going along to get along was considered a value.  I wish now I had stood up to my MIL more forcibly earlier in our relationship (long before we had kids) because it certainly wouldn’t have made much of a difference.  In fact, I confronted her in an outright contradiction this summer and she had to back down–in front of my children.  My MIL is also very controlling, but my DH has never let her take over his life.  The fact that she did not "choose" me and he married me anyway has always galled her.  He always takes "my" side in an argument with her, mostly because "my" values are also "his."  Make sure that your husband completely supports how you are raising your (plural form) children, so when his mother attacks YOU, she is also attacking HIM.   Best piece of advice I got from my father (who also had a domineering mother):  make sure you live at least one mile from your nearest relative! Best of wishes, Denise

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am a mother of two sons, three and twenty-one months. I have been having > problems with my in-laws for all of the three years my husband and I have > been married. I say problems but it really has been more than that. My > in-laws have actually thrown temper tantrums and stormed out of my house > because I instituted a time-out for my son who was getting too rowdy. Mostly > they have just been doing small things like treating me like a child and > ignoring all rules I make for my children. > My husband has been playing go-between for as long as he could, but now I > have put my foot down and have not allowed them to see the boys for almost > two months. ( We live in the same town). My mother-in-law has always been > very domineering. She always had controll over her two sons and her husband. > My son really feels like it is his responsibility to make his mother happy > and wants this to be reconciled. I myself have been hurt too many times >  and never been apologized to) to forgive anymore. > My question is regarding my children. They have my parents who are very > loving and active grandparents whom they see often, so would it be so awful > if they grew up with only one set? I have given my husband the option of > seeing the in-laws on his own with the children ( I do not trust what they > would say to the boys about me alone), but he will not saying that nothing > will be allowed to get between us. What should I do? > Wanting to be a saint….? > Amy

You know, I can’t understand why parents, after their children get married, seem to forget how some qualities their children posess use to drive them crazy….. And instead of being happy that their children found someone willing to put up with these qualities…. Have this unnerving habit, especially mothers of boys, to think no one is good enough for their child….. I also don’t understand why some parents are so convinced that they were such great parents….that they have the right to tell their children how to raise their grandchildren. Instead of realizing that if they were truly as great as they think they were at parenting….there would be no need for their imput, now would there? Just an observation on my part. Helen

Response:

Warning: few snips.  My : in-laws have actually thrown temper tantrums and stormed out of my house : because I instituted a time-out for my son who was getting too rowdy. Mostly : they have just been doing small things like treating me like a child and : ignoring all rules I make for my children. : My husband has been playing go-between for as long as he could, but now I : have put my foot down and have not allowed them to see the boys for almost : two months. . : My son really feels like it is his responsibility to make his mother happy : and wants this to be reconciled. Do you mean that your son is upset that *you* are unhappy, or did you make a mistake, & it’s your husband who wants "his mother" to be happy? If the first, then you can merely explain that just as he has to follow your rules, so do his grandparents, as you know what is best for his safety, health & general welfare. You might want to let your in-laws know this as well! If it’s the latter, then perhaps your husband could think of the best way to clue his parents in. I myself have been hurt too many times :  and never been apologized to) to forgive anymore. : My question is regarding my children. They have my parents who are very : loving and active grandparents whom they see often, so would it be so awful : if they grew up with only one set? I have given my husband the option of : seeing the in-laws on his own with the children ( I do not trust what they : would say to the boys about me alone), but he will not saying that nothing : will be allowed to get between us. What should I do? : Wanting to be a saint….? If your story is true, then you were one, & are now being human. I would not allow anyone to interfere w/my & my husband’s rules for our daughter – & this certainly includes the grandparents. If they can’t conform – or even behave as adults themselves! – your child (indeed, your whole family) is better off w/out them. Susan Cohen — "Those who study history are doomed to watch others repeat it."

Response:

I could not agree more.  Your husband married you and should stick by you.  I would not allow him to take the kids over there without YOU and he MUST speak to them. If your inlaws continue to act like children, institute a "time out" for them too!!!  Cut them OFF until they get a clue. We have not spoken with our inlaws for 8 years.  I just recently cut my brother and sis in law off for their verbal abuse and told my mom if she keeps trying to engineer a reconcilation = she’s next.  I am sorry to sound so nasty but family or not – ABUSE IS ABUSE. And believe me, I lived in a house full of family abusing family and it sends a very strong message to your children. After your husband grows a spine and talks to them things will improve.  It will be hard at first but trust me = trying to maintain an unhealthy relationship due to misplaced "family" feelings ain’t worth it for you or your children. Barbara —

Response:

I am a mother of two sons, three and twenty-one months. I have been having problems with my in-laws for all of the three years my husband and I have been married. I say problems but it really has been more than that. My in-laws have actually thrown temper tantrums and stormed out of my house because I instituted a time-out for my son who was getting too rowdy. Mostly they have just been doing small things like treating me like a child and ignoring all rules I make for my children. My husband has been playing go-between for as long as he could, but now I have put my foot down and have not allowed them to see the boys for almost two months. ( We live in the same town). My mother-in-law has always been very domineering. She always had controll over her two sons and her husband. My son really feels like it is his responsibility to make his mother happy and wants this to be reconciled. I myself have been hurt too many times  and never been apologized to) to forgive anymore. My question is regarding my children. They have my parents who are very loving and active grandparents whom they see often, so would it be so awful if they grew up with only one set? I have given my husband the option of seeing the in-laws on his own with the children ( I do not trust what they would say to the boys about me alone), but he will not saying that nothing will be allowed to get between us. What should I do? Wanting to be a saint….? Amy

Response:

Your problem is not your in-laws – it is your husband.  He needs to get a spine and stick up for you to his mother.  He is not a little boy anymore and his mommy doesn’t make the rules in your house.  He needs to be the one to explain to his parents that the reason for the estrangement is because they have no respect for you in your own house.  (I know about problem in-laws and yes, with mine part of the problem was my husband too). I would not allow your husband to take the boys to see granny without you. To me that sends a message that the problem is with you – therefore if you are removed from the situation the problem is solved.  But it is not.  As you’ve described it the mother refuses to acknowledge you in your home as the woman of that household.  She is the boys grandmother NOT THEIR MOTHER.  Your husband needs to be the one to speak to his parents about this not you.  I would have him go over to mom and dads ALONE.  Sit down with them and explain that while you both love them and want them in the kids lives you and he are the parents and your decisions must be respected concerning the raising of the boys.  He then needs to go on to say that they are welcome in your home as long as they can be polite and respectful of you – he can tell his mommy that he still loves her but he is now a grown man (?) and you are his wife and that the boys and you are his number 1 priority (?).  Take care. — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am a mother of two sons, three and twenty-one months. I have been having > problems with my in-laws for all of the three years my husband and I have > been married. I say problems but it really has been more than that. My > in-laws have actually thrown temper tantrums and stormed out of my house > because I instituted a time-out for my son who was getting too rowdy. Mostly > they have just been doing small things like treating me like a child and > ignoring all rules I make for my children. > My husband has been playing go-between for as long as he could, but now I > have put my foot down and have not allowed them to see the boys for almost > two months. ( We live in the same town). My mother-in-law has always been > very domineering. She always had controll over her two sons and her husband. > My son really feels like it is his responsibility to make his mother happy > and wants this to be reconciled. I myself have been hurt too many times >  and never been apologized to) to forgive anymore. > My question is regarding my children. They have my parents who are very > loving and active grandparents whom they see often, so would it be so awful > if they grew up with only one set? I have given my husband the option of > seeing the in-laws on his own with the children ( I do not trust what they > would say to the boys about me alone), but he will not saying that nothing > will be allowed to get between us. What should I do? > Wanting to be a saint….? > Amy

Response: