Pure Parents

Question:

>I always remove her from the situation (after making her apologize).

Apologies don’t help, they’re a lie at this age.  Kids aren’t sorry, they’re selfish.  Help her see what has happened to the victim by comforting the victim.  Ignore the aggressor for a spell rather than make a fuss over her, and the luster of mean-ness will fade.   – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity.  Brevity is the height of clarity.  

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I have a sweet, and tiny 22 month old daughter whose name is Aleece. She >weighs in at all of about 20 lbs and has the most angelic face. The trouble is >that she is also a bully. Whenever she gets around other children (her age or older) >she will >invariable hit one or more of them. Sometimes, she does this if they are >trying >to take a toy she is playing with, sometimes she does it if she wants one >of >their toys, and sometimes she will just walk up to a child and hit him/her >for >no apparent reason. She has also been known to bite/pinch and scratch. >I don’t believe in any kind of physical punishment (at this age), and my >wife >and I always remove her from the situation (after making her apologize). I >even >sit her down and try to explain to her that hitting/biting is bad and mean. >Is this normal behaviour? None of the other children in our play group seem >to do this (at least not as often). Today she even hit her best friend (who >Aleece always begs to see). My wife said that she seemed to feel really bad >about it, but I’m sure that’s not going to stop her from doing it again. >Any advice?

My second child was a terror for this – it can be so publicly embarrassing.  I guess it’s important to remember that lots of children experiment with methods to get what they want and it is not always a reflection of the parents.  Other factors always come into the equation such as peers, television etc. The tactic I used with my daughter was to lavish attention on the child she had hit.  This took the focus off my child and she did not get attention for it.   The time and effort it must take to make your 22mth old apologise may just be giving her the attention she is after and so reinforces the method of getting that attention.   Once you have done this then remove her from the situation, this keeps other kids safe. I used to try and reinforce positive rather than focus on negative behaviour.  ie say things like "be gentle" rather than "don’t hit".  I have done this since  I listened to a wonderful and funny presenter on parenting who stated that when you say things like "don’t hit" all they hear is "hit" and they forget the "don’t" as soon as you say it.  He gave us an example by telling us all "don’t think of a pink elephant" of course everyone ended up thinking of a pink elephant.  The idea is to plant in the childs mind the behaviour you want rather than what you don’t want. Another thought is; I would doubt she would really understand the meaning of apologising just yet and if forced to she mayl end up doing it without really feeling it.  I have found the best way to teach children to apologise is by example, ie whenever I bump into my son then I immediately say sorry.  I have never forced him to apologise and now at nearly 3yrs he does it himself with no effort from me. That also goes for other manners such as thankyou, please etc Hope this helps. Pam – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Paul >Father of Aleece 22 months >Soon to be father of Tristan (in Jan)

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I have a sweet, and tiny 22 month old daughter whose name is Aleece. She >weighs >in at all of about 20 lbs and has the most angelic face. The trouble is >that she is >also a bully. Whenever she gets around other children (her age or older) >she will >invariable hit one or more of them. Sometimes, she does this if they are >trying >to take a toy she is playing with, sometimes she does it if she wants one >of >their toys, and sometimes she will just walk up to a child and hit him/her >for >no apparent reason. She has also been known to bite/pinch and scratch. >I don’t believe in any kind of physical punishment (at this age), and my >wife >and I always remove her from the situation (after making her apologize). I >even >sit her down and try to explain to her that hitting/biting is bad and mean. >Is this normal behaviour? None of the other children in our play group seem >to do this (at least not as often). Today she even hit her best friend (who >Aleece always begs to see). My wife said that she seemed to feel really bad >about it, but I’m sure that’s not going to stop her from doing it again. >Any advice? >Paul >Father of Aleece 22 months >Soon to be father of Tristan (in Jan)

My feeling is that this is just a phase she’s going through…my son did something similar for a while and I have seen quite a few toddlers exhibiting this kind of behaviour.  It sounds like your doing all the right things.  For what its worth, my advice would be just to carry on with what your doing until it passes. In the meantime I sympathise with you…I hated the looks of disgust I got from other parents…its very embarrassing but as long as those around you see you taking firm action and not just ignoring this behaviour the majority will understand.     This is an anti-spammail posting. Those sending junk mail please deleted. To send a personal reply please substitute caroline Caroline Woolmer  Basingstoke,Hampshire, UK                  

Response:

I have a sweet, and tiny 22 month old daughter whose name is Aleece. She weighs in at all of about 20 lbs and has the most angelic face. The trouble is that she is also a bully. Whenever she gets around other children (her age or older) she will invariable hit one or more of them. Sometimes, she does this if they are trying to take a toy she is playing with, sometimes she does it if she wants one of their toys, and sometimes she will just walk up to a child and hit him/her for no apparent reason. She has also been known to bite/pinch and scratch. I don’t believe in any kind of physical punishment (at this age), and my wife and I always remove her from the situation (after making her apologize). I even sit her down and try to explain to her that hitting/biting is bad and mean. Is this normal behaviour? None of the other children in our play group seem to do this (at least not as often). Today she even hit her best friend (who Aleece always begs to see). My wife said that she seemed to feel really bad about it, but I’m sure that’s not going to stop her from doing it again. Any advice? Paul Father of Aleece 22 months Soon to be father of Tristan (in Jan)

Response:

: : The tactic I used with my daughter was to lavish attention on the : child she had hit.  This took the focus off my child and she did not : get attention for it.   This is brilliant! I hope I remember to use it, should the need arise. : The time and effort it must take to make your 22mth old apologise may : just be giving her the attention she is after and so reinforces the : method of getting that attention.   Am I wrong in thinking that 22 mos. is a tad young for something as complex as an apology? Or maybe I’m stating it wrong: I think children are still a little too self-centered at that time period – but it’s something they grow out of. So I agree that wrangling an apology would be a waste of time – & may even exascerbate the problem by building resentment at being forced to apologize. : : Once you have done this then remove her from the situation, this keeps : other kids safe. I used to try and reinforce positive rather than : focus on negative behaviour.  ie say things like "be gentle" rather : than "don’t hit".  I have done this since  I listened to a wonderful : and funny presenter on parenting who stated that when you say things : like "don’t hit" all they hear is "hit" and they forget the "don’t" as : soon as you say it.  He gave us an example by telling us all "don’t : think of a pink elephant" of course everyone ended up thinking of a : pink elephant.  The idea is to plant in the childs mind the behaviour : you want rather than what you don’t want. Also brilliant. : Another thought is; I would doubt she would really understand the : meaning of apologising just yet and if forced to she mayl end up doing : it without really feeling it. Gee, I should have read further before making my comment above :} But I was too enthusiastic about your post!   I have found the best way to teach : children to apologise is by example, ie whenever I bump into my son : then I immediately say sorry.  I have never forced him to apologise : and now at nearly 3yrs he does it himself with no effort from me. : That also goes for other manners such as thankyou, please etc : : Hope this helps. I’m writing it down! Susan Cohen Mom to Anne Elizabeth "Wonder Baby" Rumain, 1/23/97 — "Those who study history are doomed to watch others repeat it."

Response:

My son did this at about the same age.  He eventually grew out of it.  But it’s kind of refreshing to hear about a little girl doing it.  When my boy hit or shoved another boy, the parent would usually be understanding, saying "Mine did that too – it’s just a stage".  But when he would hit or shove a girl, I got looks that could kill from the parent. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a sweet, and tiny 22 month old daughter whose name is Aleece. She > weighs > in at all of about 20 lbs and has the most angelic face. The trouble is > that she is > also a bully. Whenever she gets around other children (her age or older) > she will > invariable hit one or more of them…

Response:

Paul, It sounds as if Aleece has "stress". I know, it sounds ridiculous, but they say even newborns are subject to stress. This is a shot in the dark, but has she started hitting around when your wife announced her pregnancy? Aleece may not even fully understand the concept of "Soon you’ll have a baby brother." At her age, she is very self-centered (sorry, it’s true!) and may be thinking, "But I"M their baby… what on earth do they need another one for?" If it’s not the baby, look for other stressors that could be causing her anger. Have you moved recently, or has someone left or returned to work? Good Luck w/ Aleece and congrats on Tristan (both GREAT names, BTW)  Oh, one more thing, I’d feel just a teensy weensy bit proud that Aleece can hold her own! At least you know she won’t be bullied in school!         Hugs,         Jamie- mom to Lexi 5-95 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a sweet, and tiny 22 month old daughter whose name is Aleece. She > weighs > in at all of about 20 lbs and has the most angelic face. The trouble is > that she is > also a bully. Whenever she gets around other children (her age or older) > she will > invariable hit one or more of them. Sometimes, she does this if they are > trying > to take a toy she is playing with, sometimes she does it if she wants one > of > their toys, and sometimes she will just walk up to a child and hit him/her > for > no apparent reason. She has also been known to bite/pinch and scratch. > I don’t believe in any kind of physical punishment (at this age), and my > wife > and I always remove her from the situation (after making her apologize). I > even > sit her down and try to explain to her that hitting/biting is bad and mean. > Is this normal behaviour? None of the other children in our play group seem > to do this (at least not as often). Today she even hit her best friend (who > Aleece always begs to see). My wife said that she seemed to feel really bad > about it, but I’m sure that’s not going to stop her from doing it again. > Any advice? > Paul > Father of Aleece 22 months > Soon to be father of Tristan (in Jan)

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