Question:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people >into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to >his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when >he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent >on whether he will get "caught" or not. >Then you should seek professional advice, not the opinion of a >teacher. Check out your nearest psychologist. Most school boards >have one. …Seriously.
You may want to read the book, "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Greg Keck. Many children with attachment disorder lie all the time…sometimes called "crazy lying’. Not all psychologist know about attachment disorder….a problem that many adoptivd childrenhave…especially if they have been raised in an orphanage or in the foster care system. The book is great and can explain alot to you. Good luck!
Response:
My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent on whether he will get "caught" or not. Grandma says: One day, when there is no current lie between you, talk to him about trust – about how people distrust and grow to dislike liars because words are the only thing we have available to tell us what other people are like inside their skins. If he is telling a "Save your ass" kind of lie, telling you whatever he thinks you need to hear to keep himself out of trouble, let him know that now there are two consequences – first, a consequence commensurate with his original infraction of the rules, and second, a consequence for lying. Have him write an essay on telling lies – specifically, what he thinks of people who lie to him and what he thinks people think of him when he tells lies. If he is telling a "Tattle tale" kind of lie, designed to get another child in trouble, he is doing so because he’s afraid you will like the other child more than you will like him, or that adults in general will like the other child more than they like him. Again, have him write an essay on what he would feel if someone said the same thing about him that he is saying about the other child. However, if he is telling a "I can make this story more interesting" kind of lie, you can help most by turning the lie into a story – and praising his vivid imagination. Need an example? Sppose that while you were both outside working in the yard, a passerby’s cocker spaniel dog started barking at you. Later, when your foster son is relating this incident to another member of the family, and says the dog was a six foot tall doberman pincer with four inch fangs and would have jumped the fence if he, the foster son, hadn’t scared it away by throwing a rock at it, laugh and point out the marvel of your foster son’s great imagination. Pat him on the back, or hug him, and invite him to tell another story. All of this will let him know that you know he is lying, that he isn’t fooling anyone, but that it is OKAY for him to play that kind of game *without* making a lie out of it. If this is his typical kind of lie, set aside time for him to "tell you a story" every evening – he’s telling these lies in order to get and hold your attention. Good luck! Remember – advice is generally worth about what you pay for it! Grandma Do NOT send me junk mail!
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->>My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most > people >>into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to > relate to >>his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel > when >>he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is > dependent >>on whether he will get "caught" or not. >Then you should seek professional advice, not the opinion of a >teacher. Check out your nearest psychologist. Most school boards >have one. …Seriously. > You may want to read the book, "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Greg Keck. > Many children with attachment disorder lie all the time…sometimes > called "crazy lying’. Not all psychologist know about attachment > disorder….a problem that many adoptivd childrenhave…especially if > they have been raised in an orphanage or in the foster care system. > The book is great and can explain alot to you. Good luck!
Some other good books on Reactive Attachment Disorder are: 1. Don’t Touch My Heart 2. High Risk Children Without A Conscience 3. Give Them Roots, Then Let Them Fly The Attachment Center at Evergreen now has a website. I forget the URL for it but I have a link to it from my website. You can get to my site using http://www.adopting.org/htc.html. The link to the Attachment Center is near the bottom of the homepage. Lois
[ MOMSIG < 1K ]
Lois E Paul, Executive Director Voice (209) 478-5585 Help The Children FAX (209) 478-5586 1350 W Robinhood Dr Ste2 TDD/TTY (209) 478-5685 HTTP://www.adopting.org/htc.html Mother to Helene (27), Erica (26), Thiago (17), Andy (10) Grandmother to Joshua (6), Jessica (5), and Anthony (Born 12/96) - All Children Are Gifted…. They Just Open Their Presents At Different Times-
Response:
>My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people >into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to >his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when >he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent >on whether he will get "caught" or not.
Then you should seek professional advice, not the opinion of a teacher. Check out your nearest psychologist. Most school boards have one. …Seriously.
Response:
If he is having problems connecting to his own feelings, you might try playing the game, "Silly Expressions" it is available from Discovery Toys (they have a 1-800 # if you don’t have a consultant, their web site is just consultant information), or you can create youe own version from magazine clippings and photographs. In this game, children (and adults) model an "expression" that usually relates to an emotion (some are just silly) and then the other players identify which expression he is making. The child (and adult) use a hand mirror to be sure that their expression is just the way they want it to look. This kind of non-threatening game can open a window to talk about feelings without the child feeling like he’s in another therapy session or getting another lecture. I think the lying will subside as he feels more comfortable and is able to trust his surroundings (very difficult for a displaced child). It sounds as if his telling people what they want to hear is an attempt to make others like him/accept him (he doesn’t understand that lying causes the opposite). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people > into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to > his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when > he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent > on whether he will get "caught" or not.
Response:
>My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people >into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to >his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when >he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent >on whether he will get "caught" or not.
Lie to him and then let him down. Cold but effective.
Response:
>My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people >into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate >to his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when >he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent >on whether he will get "caught" or not. >>>
I do not know what your son lies about – are they stories that are made for sympathy, lies of protection, lies about other people, or events that have happened (not) to him? Something I do know. Children lie for many reasons, for attention, to feel important, because they like to ‘tell stories’, because they want to protect themselves, to escape from reality or their life. (I am sure there are more reasons than there are children in the world). I did not read your original post, I do not know if you quoted his age. If he is old enough to understand, sit him down and tell him the difference between a ’story’ – told for enjoyment, and a lie – something that is not true (misinformaiton) that can hurt him or other people. When he tells stories – as long as he tells the people it is a ‘made up story’, he is not lieing, and it is OK. When he lies, it is not OK and there will be consequences to the lying. Not only is a little bit of himself made not OK when he lies – he begins to not feel good about himself, but an actual punishment for the action, and he must go back to the person whom he told the lie to and about and applogise. As a Nanny and preschool teacher for the past 14 years, and a cronic ’story teller’ as a child, I know this method works. BEST OF LUCK! God Bless ThriftyMom
Response:
My foster son is a CHRONIC liar, or should I say, he "cons" most people into believing what he thinks they want to hear. His inability to relate to his own feelings makes it hard for him to understand how others feel when he cons or lies. He explains that his decision to lie or not is dependent on whether he will get "caught" or not. Answer by Dr. Jane Nelsen http://www.positivediscipline.com Have you read my answer regarding lying on our homepage: www.empoweringpeople.com? Even though that answer deals with a 3-year-old, the principles are the same for children of any age. Generally speaking, I know that foster children are often coming from the mistaken goal of revenge. (Mistaken Goals are described in detail in all of our books.) Children choose this goal (at a subconscious level) when they feel hurt. Foster children feel hurt about being abandoned by their families–and they usually take it out on anyone who comes into their lives. They also develop defensive behaviors to protect themselves from being hurt any more. Lying is a defensive behavior. Punishment in any form (physical or verbal) only increases their defensive and revengeful behavior. What your foster son needs is "perception modification," not "behavior modification." Perception modification comes from encouragement. (All of our books teach encouragement skills.) Children are always making decisions about what they need to DO in life to THRIVE or to SURVIVE. Positive Discipline books teach parents how to use methods that invite children to make decisions about thriving (becoming capable, self-reliant, learning problem-solving skills, respect for self and others, etc.) instead of decisions about surviving (usually called misbehavior.) I suggest you learn how to "get into his world" to understand his perceptions, and that you learn positive parenting skills so you know how to help him change his behavior (and perceptions) in a safe environment. My best to you — and to your foster son, Jane Nelsen http://www.empoweringpeople.com
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