Question:
I am a grandmother living with my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. I am thrilled to say that we all get along very well for the most part. My grandson is 14 months old and my daughter is expecting another baby the end of October. The problem, under different circumstances, would not particularly be a problem……my grandson is very much attached to my daughter and she showers him with love and attention (as we all do), but is very light in the discipline area. I have to be honest and admit that we are all bad in disciplining him – mainly because we don’t know what appropriate discipline for his age. We used to kid around saying that this is Aaron’s house and he allows us to live here. It used to be funny, but at 14 months, it is no longer funny. Up until very recently, the baby seldom heard the word "no" and if he did, there was little or no reinforcement. In other words he pretty much does what he wants, and I think in his little 14 month old mind he knows he can get away with just about anything. The big problem now, in addition to reinforcing bad habits, is that it is going to be a nightmare around here when the new baby comes. My daughter works from 1:30 pm to 11:00 pm so the time she spends with him before she leaves for work is usually positive: playing and getting down on the floor with him. When she leaves for work, I used to watch him until I was physically unable, and now we have a young girl who watches him. I love my grandson with all my heart, but I feel that he must be disciplined. He certainly isn’t a bad boy….he’s just intensely curious and wants to touch and investigate everything, including the computer, TV and anything else, especially things with wires. I don’t want to stifle his curiosity, but I do want him to know that not everything is his. We are probably going to have enough problems when the new baby comes because of his intense attachment with my daughter. When she is home, nobody else exists and when she is not here I come in second. We all hate to push him away and feel that there must be another way. He has already learned to throw temper tantrums, but we are limiting these by totally ignoring him….and it seems to be working. Often, though, he will scream when he doesn’t get his own way. We have tried diversion or redirecting his attention but have had no luck with this because he remembers what he was doing before and as soon as he can get away he will go back to the taboo item. We have baby-proofed the house (actually he only has the run of the living room and dining room) as much as possible, but there are still things he can get into. I, for one, am very tired of him ruining my things. When I am here, of course, I stop him, but when I am not here others in the house don’t seem to bother. Being cute and adorable is not a license to run amok with no regard for rules. I don’t think 14 months is too young for have a few simple rules. "This is mine…not yours". My youngest is 30 years old, so I have been away from the baby game for a very long time, and he is so different than either of my girls was. I think it is so important to get him to understand the meaning of "no" and to be disciplined or he is going to be a very unhappy child when he is older. We don’t believe in spanking and, as I have said, diversion and redirecting do not seem to work. Does anyone have any other practical ideas? I would really appreciate any input. Before you buy.
Response:
For a 14 month old- this all sounds pretty normal to me. It sounds like you are all doing a good job. Maybe your expectations are a little high. At this stage all I think you can do is try to divert him away from whatever he is not supposed to do and childproof really well. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am a grandmother living with my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. > I am thrilled to say that we all get along very well for the most > part. My grandson is 14 months old and my daughter is expecting > another baby the end of October. The problem, under different > circumstances, would not particularly be a problem……my grandson is > very much attached to my daughter and she showers him with love and > attention (as we all do), but is very light in the discipline area. I > have to be honest and admit that we are all bad in disciplining him – > mainly because we don’t know what appropriate discipline for his age. > We used to kid around saying that this is Aaron’s house and he allows > us to live here. It used to be funny, but at 14 months, it is no > longer funny. Up until very recently, the baby seldom heard the > word "no" and if he did, there was little or no reinforcement. In > other words he pretty much does what he wants, and I think in his > little 14 month old mind he knows he can get away with just about > anything. The big problem now, in addition to reinforcing bad habits, > is that it is going to be a nightmare around here when the new baby > comes. My daughter works from 1:30 pm to 11:00 pm so the time she > spends with him before she leaves for work is usually positive: playing > and getting down on the floor with him. When she leaves for work, I > used to watch him until I was physically unable, > and now we have a young girl who watches him. I love my grandson with > all my heart, but I feel that he must be disciplined. He certainly > isn’t a bad boy….he’s just intensely curious and wants to touch and > investigate everything, including the computer, TV and anything else, > especially things with wires. I don’t want to stifle his curiosity, > but I do want him to know that not everything is his. We are probably > going to have enough problems when the new baby comes because of his > intense attachment with my daughter. When she is home, nobody else > exists and when she is not here I come in second. We all hate to push > him away and feel that there must be another way. He has already > learned to throw temper tantrums, but we are limiting these by totally > ignoring him….and it seems to be working. Often, though, > he will scream when he doesn’t get his own way. We have tried > diversion or redirecting his attention but have had no luck with this > because he remembers what he was doing before and as soon as he can get > away he will go back to the taboo item. We have baby-proofed the house > (actually he only has the run of the living room and dining room) as > much as possible, but there are still things he can get into. I, for > one, am very tired of him ruining my things. When I am here, of > course, I stop him, but when I am not here others in the house don’t > seem to bother. Being cute and adorable is not a license to run amok > with no regard for rules. I don’t think 14 months is too young for > have a few simple rules. "This is mine…not yours". My youngest is > 30 years old, so I have been away from the baby game for a very long > time, and he is so different than either of my girls was. I think it > is so important to get him to understand the meaning of "no" and to be > disciplined or he is going to be a very unhappy child when he is > older. We don’t believe in spanking and, as I have said, diversion and > redirecting do not seem to work. Does anyone have any other practical > ideas? I would really appreciate any input. > Before you buy.
Before you buy.
Response:
> Maureen asked: >This isn’t a flame…just curious…I understand the concepts behind teaching >children how to share, but do you really think not sharing is ‘always’ wrong?
NO … I tell my children that everybody has special things that they do not have to share. When we are expecting company, I remind my kids to take any new or special toys to their rooms unless they intend to share them. Other kids are not going to be as careful with those special items, as those items are not as special to anybody else. HOWEVER, if they do not want to share it, it needs to be put away. My daughter has slept with a lambskin since she was 10 days old. It is her "security blanket" she calls it her "ni-night" (cause I’d put her on it in her bed, then say "Ni-night") … Other kids have been fascinated with it since it is very soft and fluffy. but I’m never going to ask Emily to share it. >Or was that just a generalized comment? I ask because sharing issues are big >around here..and while I see nothing wrong with being kind and sharing your >stuff…we’ve kind of settled into a thing where there are ‘family’ things >that >are to be shared..and are owned as a group…and then there are personal >belongings (and space) that while it is nice if shared…it most definately>is >not required nor is it looked down on as a ‘bad’ thing to not share if you>don’t >feel like it.
I think this teaches kids to respect other people’s belongings. >Guess I’m talking boundaries here. Anywho….just was>wondering.
Krystal "Life isn’t measured by how many breaths we take but by how many moments that take our breath away" Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.
Response:
>I didn’t catch the original poster of the below sentence. >However: Discipline through guidenace AT ANY AGE is always appropriate
Get a spell checker. It helped me a lot. It can help you too. Your message really loses a lot if you are not even certain about the SPELLING of guidance.
Response:
>>Of course we wouldn’t share toothbrushes or cups or things such as that. :) >Thanks. >AJPDLA >And *I* wouldn’t share my husband with the neighbor lady … but HEY, that’s >just me.
What’s her husband like? ;-) Kendra ~*~*~*~ Love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener.
Response:
>Of course we wouldn’t share toothbrushes or cups or things such as that. :) >Thanks. >AJPDLA
And *I* wouldn’t share my husband with the neighbor lady … but HEY, that’s just me. Krystal "Life isn’t measured by how many breaths we take but by how many moments that take our breath away" Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.
Response:
> > Discipline at 14 months is inappropiate!! There is NO approproate > "discipline" at that age! > The key words here FYI are Teaching and learing…. Discipline does NOT > have to be abusive….
Read between the lines here and look more carefully. This person is troubled and is near "doing something". > Most child development experts would say, and *I* say, that you’re quite > quite crazy, and that no child under two or three has a mean bone in his > body, let ALONE at 14 months!! He simply is not yet capable of thinking > on the level of "what he can get away with", nor is he even ABLE to > understand and good versus bad yet at all, and any reading into his > behavior this sort of motivation on his part would actually indicate > that you have an emotional problem that needs treatment!! > Children at that age may not "understand" good versus bad… But that does > NOT mean that they do not "test" their parents… And IMO, 14months it the > PERFECT age to start teaching a child right from wrong. And belive it or > not, depending on the childs developmental stage… some 14 month olds DO > know when they have done something wrong! Especially if it is something > they have been disciplined for in the past.
Nope. Read up. They will finally figure out what NO means from its use during this period, but they do not yet really "get it" at that age. > As persuasive as the impression that the child that age has a mind that > thinks like we do, this is not at all born out by research, and it is > merely projecting on people’s part when they think that. And it can lead > to extreme error in parenting! > I dont think the original poster ever once said she thought the child thinks > like an adult….
She felt all the resentment that she would if a person had been conspiring against her. I think you need to read between the lines here. > > The big problem now, in addition to reinforcing bad habits, > > is that it is going to be a nightmare around here when the new baby > > comes. My daughter works from 1:30 pm to 11:00 pm so the time she > > spends with him before she leaves for work is usually positive: playing > > and getting down on the floor with him. When she leaves for work, I > > used to watch him until I was physically unable, > > and now we have a young girl who watches him. I love my grandson with > > all my heart, but I feel that he must be disciplined. > You are making excuses and seeking approval for abuse. Watch out! > What the heck are you talking about???? "Seeking approval for abuse?????
She is asking, begging for a "permission" to be given here for her to "do something". If you can’t see this you’re blind. > > He certainly > > isn’t a bad boy….he’s just intensely curious and wants to touch and > > investigate everything, including the computer, TV and anything else, > > especially things with wires. I don’t want to stifle his curiosity, > > but I do want him to know that not everything is his. > He cannot possibly understand that concept yet!! > He may not understand the concept yet, but what a perfect time to start > teaching him….
With the word no, and prevention, sure, but this is too obvious to even mention unless she’s a dufus. > > We are probably > > going to have enough problems when the new baby comes because of his > > intense attachment with my daughter. When she is home, nobody else > > exists and when she is not here I come in second. > YOU COME IN SECOND??? You sound like some resentful sibling or > something!! You’re supposed to be an adult!!! Where YOU come in should > NOT be YOUR WORRY at this point!! > What is your problem??? I dont think she sounds like a "resentful sibling" > at all!!! Maybe she should have stated "When mom is not around I am NUMBER > 1…" thus being second….
One usually thinks of the child as feling themselves to be as the only "person" to themselves during this period. But the grandmother is WAAAY down the list of people one would imagine should be getting worried about a 14 month-old stealing THEIR attention from her daughter! >I, for one, am very tired of him ruining my things. > He doesn’t understand "ruining". You’re projecting motives on him when > it’s the other adults you’re having trouble with if they aren’t tending > to him to keep him out of your possessions!! Don’t blame him, talk to > the other adults whom you’re resentful toward!! Stop craving getting > back at them by using HIM as a proxy revenge target!! > He may not understand "ruining" but he is surely able to understand the > words… " No, don’t touch…" or "This is glass, this will break…" > and the more he hears "don’t touch" He will soon understand what he is > allowed to touch and what he isn’t allowed to touch….
Of course, but she doesn’t really expect us to believe she doesn’t say that already when she’s watching the child, do you? Read between the lines people! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You’re living arrangements seem to be your problem, so you need to deal > with that. > You sound quite resentful of this tiny child and you act like the kind > of abused adult-child who is really desirous of hitting somebody, > preferably this tiny child who doesn’t understand such things yet at > all! You really want to slap, smack or hit someone really bad don’t you? > Well, you had better not, or you will be passing your cruel experiences > with child abuse you experienced right onto him. People like you, who > experience this resentment of another tiny person being allowed to be > "willful", for which you were probably beaten for severely, have to > learn when you should step away from a child and go someplace else and > recover your good sense before you do something you will be hated for. > You’re actually re-experiencing the resentment of your own abuse and you > should stifle yourself and get help for it. > Steve… in a language I know you will understand… WTF are you talking > about??? I think you are reading way too much into the original post… I > cannot see how her question could possible get turned into this…. I think > you are re-living something from your own past and maybe you need to be the > one to get help….
I guess you have insufficient experience deciphering these "code words" from people who are having trouble containing themselves and doing something "naughty" with their hands to the baby. I’ve seen it in parenting groups and in the ER. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> To the grandmother…. > Since there are so many adults in the house with the parents, grandmother > and the sitter… I would have all the adults sit down and discuss this > situation. Come up with a game plan that everyone understands and is in > agreement with. Then work together. Every adult must use the same > disciplinary technique. Discuss what things are off limits… ie. the > computer, tv, breakables, plants… whatever. Tell him no and try to > redirect his attention to something he can play with. If say after 3 times > of telling him no and redirecting him he still goes back to the same item… > put him in his crib for 5 minutes. (Tell him why you are putting him there > and then tell him again when you take him out after the time limit.) He > will probably scream the enitre time he is in there but he will get over it, > and he will learn what things he can and cannot touch. The main thing is > everyone HAS to discipline him the EXACT same way for all of this to work. > Otherwise he will learn real fast what he can get away with when he is > around the different adults…. > As far as the new baby, this will be hard on him and he probably will act > out his anger and frustrations for a while. Does the dad do special things > with your grandson? (We have daddy daughter times) If not this would be a > good time to start. And after the baby is born it would be a good idea for > the sitter to watch the baby for maybe an hour so your grandson can still > have one on one time with mommy…. > This will help ease the anxiety of feeling second to the baby…. > Hope this helps… > Natalie
This is a household without any truly active Dad or the Gma wouldn’t be so stressed, so I am puzzled why you would even say this. I can see you haven’t been really paying attention very well. You’re clearly quite inexperienced at gasping the crux of these sorts of questions. Steve
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > This isn’t a flame…just curious…I understand the concepts behind teaching > children how to share, but do you really think not sharing is ‘always’ wrong? > Or was that just a generalized comment? I ask because sharing issues are big > around here..and while I see nothing wrong with being kind and sharing your > stuff…we’ve kind of settled into a thing where there are ‘family’ things that > are to be shared..and are owned as a group…and then there are personal > belongings (and space) that while it is nice if shared…it most definately is > not required nor is it looked down on as a ‘bad’ thing to not share if you don’t > feel like it. Guess I’m talking boundaries here. Anywho….just was
wondering. No, cool. Great point. And your inference was correct, it was a generalized comment. Totally. There is a time for sharing and there is a time for not sharing, where items are someone’s personal items and are not to BE shared. It’s just that with this movie Noah’s gotten it into his head that everything is "mine." And we’re just dealing with the fact of now teaching him that things are NOT all his. Boundaries is the exact word to use, what we are trying to teach him. Of course we wouldn’t share toothbrushes or cups or things such as that. :) Thanks. AJPDLA
Response:
I agree with you very much. I took from the first post that they have another caregiver in the picture. So, that is four people trying to disipline this child. But, I think that grandma needs to talk with the daughter also to decide what this child can do and can not do. They all need to agree. The more consistency the child gets, the better off he is. Sue B.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Well, I do not know the EXACT situation they have over at that house; but > here’s my take (belief) on that. > If you live with someone and are expected, in the least, to watch over or in > any way care for a child of someonne (be it your daughter’s child or your > girlfriend’s child or wife’s child of another man – or whatever the > situation is), there MUST be SOME latitude given to that secondary caregiver > in terms of being able to discipline that child should something go awry. > I hear all too often stories of people saying "please watch my child" and > then if something happens where the child is disciplined by the secondary > caregiver and then the mother comes back with "DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME CHILD > WHAT TO DO" - I mean, what’s up with that? If you don’t want me to > discipline your child or tell them no when something is going to harm them > or otherwise cause them to do something or to learn something that isn’t > proper – and this could be anything: biting, hitting, putting your fingers > into an electrical outlet, then you shouldn’t be asking me to watch them. > Period. > My advice to grandma is to buy your daughter some > books on disipline and keep the door to your room closed and put a > childproof door thingy on it, so he can not get in their. Your daughter is > going to have a rough time when baby #2 comes and wants all of the > attention. > I would second that advice with one caveat: The grandmother in this case > needs to sit down with her daughter and mete out the responsibilities > vis-a-vis the care given to HER child. And she needs to do it NOW. She may > be JUST the grandmother; but if she’s in any way a caregiver – and no one’s > looking for ULTIMATE power – concessions need to be made. > AJPDLA
Response:
I always avoided using the word "mine" when talking to my kids If they got something that they shouldn’t have, I’d say … "These are Mommy’s scissors, let’s put them away" … Or "this isn’t for you" if you are consistent, they will eventually figure it out. My husband comes home and wonders why I have a pile of stuff on top of the entertainment center every day! – It’s cause it’s the only place the kids can’t reach! Krystal "Life isn’t measured by how many breaths we take but by how many moments that take our breath away" Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.
Response:
> I always avoided using the word "mine" when talking to my kids If they got > something that they shouldn’t have, I’d say … "These are Mommy’s scissors, > let’s put them away" … Or "this isn’t for you" if you are consistent, they > will eventually figure it out. > My husband comes home and wonders why I have a pile of stuff on top of the > entertainment center every day! – It’s cause it’s the only place the kids > can’t reach! > Krystal
LOL. Same here. Our entertainment center, by the end of the day, is ouled high with the day’s "offenders." Speaking of "mine, mine mine," our son (who loves Elmo – hence the new fangled nickname) was watching daily "The Adventures of Elmo In Grouchland." Unfortunately, now he (Noah) has a new nickname himself: Baby Hucksley. Anyone who’s seen this movie knows what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, at 2, Noah does not yet grasp the idea that "mine, mine, mine" and the idea of not sharing is wrong So we’re off of that aspect of "mElmo" at this time. AJPDLA
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I always avoided using the word "mine" when talking to my kids If they > got > something that they shouldn’t have, I’d say … "These are Mommy’s > scissors, > let’s put them away" … Or "this isn’t for you" if you are consistent, > they > will eventually figure it out. > My husband comes home and wonders why I have a pile of stuff on top of the > entertainment center every day! – It’s cause it’s the only place the > kids > can’t reach! > Krystal > LOL. Same here. Our entertainment center, by the end of the day, is ouled > high with the day’s "offenders." > Speaking of "mine, mine mine," our son (who loves Elmo – hence the new > fangled nickname) was watching daily "The Adventures of Elmo In Grouchland." > Unfortunately, now he (Noah) has a new nickname himself: Baby Hucksley. > Anyone who’s seen this movie knows what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, > at 2, Noah does not yet grasp the idea that "mine, mine, mine" and the idea > of not sharing is wrong > So we’re off of that aspect of "mElmo" at this time.
This isn’t a flame…just curious…I understand the concepts behind teaching children how to share, but do you really think not sharing is ‘always’ wrong? Or was that just a generalized comment? I ask because sharing issues are big around here..and while I see nothing wrong with being kind and sharing your stuff…we’ve kind of settled into a thing where there are ‘family’ things that are to be shared..and are owned as a group…and then there are personal belongings (and space) that while it is nice if shared…it most definately is not required nor is it looked down on as a ‘bad’ thing to not share if you don’t feel like it. Guess I’m talking boundaries here. Anywho….just was wondering. — Maureen Single Mom to Sarah 13, Michael 11, Matthew 7, Rebecca 5 and Adam 3 — Every morning I get miles of smiles — Full time student/Small Business owner http://www.pacificbytes.com/SS/
Response:
I didn’t catch the original poster of the below sentence. However: Discipline through guidenace AT ANY AGE is always appropriate – NECESSARY, if you will. AJPDLA – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Discipline at 14 months is inappropiate!! There is NO approproate > "discipline" at that age!
Response:
>and now we have a young girl who watches him. I love my grandson with >all my heart, but I feel that he must be disciplined. He certainly >isn’t a bad boy….he’s just intensely curious and wants to touch and >investigate everything, including the computer, TV and anything else, >especially things with wires. I don’t want to stifle his curiosity, >but I do want him to know that not everything is his.
What do you plan on doing? Sitting him down and giving him a lecture? He’s a baby, and a mobile baby needs to be watched so he can explore a lot yet not hurt himself. You have already admitted that no one, including you, is actually paying much attention. Why are you surprised when he gets into things? Often, though, We have tried >diversion or redirecting his attention but have had no luck with this >because he remembers what he was doing before and as soon as he can get >away he will go back to the taboo item.
Then obviously you have not redirected him with any degree of persistence. Is this just, "why don’t you go into the other room?" or do you go pick him up and find something else to do? Children of this age have very short attention spans; you should be able to move him toward something else. In addition, he does need to explore under supervision so he can learn. We have baby-proofed the house >(actually he only has the run of the living room and dining room) as >much as possible, but there are still things he can get into. I, for >one, am very tired of him ruining my things. When I am here, of >course, I stop him, but when I am not here others in the house don’t >seem to bother.
And you sound as though you think it’s your grandson’s fault — not the fault of people who should be watching him. Are any of you paying attention? Or are you just sitting on the couch yelling and then saying, "he has no discipline!" He’s supposed to be busy; that’s what little ones do, and yes, it’s tiring, but that’s the way it is. Being cute and adorable is not a license to run amok >with no regard for rules. I don’t think 14 months is too young for >have a few simple rules. "This is mine…not yours".
And do you think he will respond to this little talk, nodding his head? He’s a baby. Someone get up off their butt and be with him. Take him for a walk, splash in the tub, play with the spoons and pots in the kitchen, sing songs, make silly faces, jump up and down, but be with him. And have a talk with the other people in the house about caring for property. Lynne * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
> She is only grandma you know. She does not have the ultimate power over this > child. Her daughter does and the daughter is the one that is spoiling the > child. Grandma just lives there and while grandma could be stern on the > things that she owns, she is not going to be able to disipline if the > daughter and SIL don’t.
Well, I do not know the EXACT situation they have over at that house; but here’s my take (belief) on that. If you live with someone and are expected, in the least, to watch over or in any way care for a child of someonne (be it your daughter’s child or your girlfriend’s child or wife’s child of another man – or whatever the situation is), there MUST be SOME latitude given to that secondary caregiver in terms of being able to discipline that child should something go awry. I hear all too often stories of people saying "please watch my child" and then if something happens where the child is disciplined by the secondary caregiver and then the mother comes back with "DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME CHILD WHAT TO DO" - I mean, what’s up with that? If you don’t want me to discipline your child or tell them no when something is going to harm them or otherwise cause them to do something or to learn something that isn’t proper – and this could be anything: biting, hitting, putting your fingers into an electrical outlet, then you shouldn’t be asking me to watch them. Period. > My advice to grandma is to buy your daughter some > books on disipline and keep the door to your room closed and put a > childproof door thingy on it, so he can not get in their. Your daughter is > going to have a rough time when baby #2 comes and wants all of the > attention.
I would second that advice with one caveat: The grandmother in this case needs to sit down with her daughter and mete out the responsibilities vis-a-vis the care given to HER child. And she needs to do it NOW. She may be JUST the grandmother; but if she’s in any way a caregiver – and no one’s looking for ULTIMATE power – concessions need to be made. AJPDLA
Response:
Steve is right about this. Babies need safe places to play. The family needs to section off a play area where the baby can have fun, and stay out of trouble. End of problem. This is the family’s problem- not the baby’s. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Discipline at 14 months is inappropiate!! There is NO approproate > "discipline" at that age! >Main Entry: 1dis
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.